All comics by benums

Profile

 

by benums
5-15-03
Hi I'm Dave Bolan, I want to sell you a car so I can make some cash to live for another day
Hello Dave Bolan, I'm the Willa. I'm a God among men and can choose many forms, this paperclip will do nicely
Hi I'm The Pick, are you asking for an ass beating? I say that all the time, its because I had sex with my cat, Mr. Scrotum
Hi Pick....I'm jesus, and I'm dead. My hands hurt
God, I'm fucking bored, want to go get a sandwich? I'll pay
Only if it's cofee and a sandwich.

 

by benums
5-15-03
Hey Ez, how's it going
I'm fine, but for some reason I'm french
That's great, does that mean you're going to commit suicide?
Yes, in fact I'm going to get some fishsticks right now
And then Ezra, the dirty frenchmen went to go get fishsticks, unbewnost to The Willa, getting fishsticks = death
Sweet, I'll wait by the oven
bang!

 

by benums
5-16-03
Elephant is talking to squirrel
I have no anus! Check it out!
That's incredible! I can't believe it!
I seriously need to take a dump, I think I'm going to vommit shit on your face!
How about no, Memphis? Why the hell do I have an erection?
I am the anal peacock
That's great, check out my scythe. I will cut you in the mouth

 

by benums
5-16-03
Hey Willa, what's up? It's come to my attention that you might be asking for an ass beating
Well it's hot....hahahhaah! I'm fire, touch me and you'll be warm!
So how's the being "homosexual" thing going. Are you asking for an ass beating?
Argh I have smoldered and now I'm dead. Ouch
Well good luck being dead, I'm going to have oral sex with Dave Bolan. I think he's asking for an ass beating
Alright let me know how that turns out. Write me a letter....asshole

 

by benums
5-16-03
I've been thinking about starting a cult, what do you think?
Alright I'm in.
I didnt' even tell you what the cult was for
Doesn't matter, I'm in no matter what
It's a cult based on hatred for fat people. You're probably going to be the first victim...since you're the biggest person I've ever seen
Sounds like fun, I'll make it easy and jump on a burning cross.

 

by benums
5-16-03
Fucking Bobcat Goldwait was bothering me about your broken elbow today
Asshole buddy, my broken asshole. What did he say?
Said you were worried about his kid...or something, I just kept staring at his floating head, that shit creeps me out.
Oh yeah is he out of intensive care? I didn't get to talk to Billy once they removed him from my anus
Oh yeah hes fi....Did you just say they removed him from your anus?
Yeah when I was getting the mail I wasn't wearing any pants or underwear, I landed right on him, and he just kinda fell right inside of me.

 

by benums
5-16-03
Sooo...the Pick tell you about the whole Billy Nachos thing?
Huh? I'm sorry I was jerking off. You caught me off guard. Pick does have an asshole the size of a manhole though. That's why the call him Bobby "Manhole" Jones
First thing, you can't jerk off you don't have any hands. Hell you don't even have any genitals.
Wha? I'm sorry I was pleasuring myself orally. I didn't catch that last part
I'm going to go to the grocery store to pick up a gun to kill myself with.
Hey while you're there, do you think you could pick me up some nacho cheese and some ky? I've got some stuff I want to shove in my ass

 

by benums
5-16-03
Get out of my sight/office, get out of my sight/office, get out of my sight/office right no..
What the hell are you doing? I made that song. I own you! I mean the song
Listen up bucko...ZzzZZZzzzz
I had no idea Ron Foster was a narcoleptic...man that's comedy!
ZZzzzz....what the Georgia brown! I'm not a narcoleptic, I was up late last night practicing my trombone and writing pink slips.
What a terrible strip. What the fuck is wrong with me?

 

by benums
5-16-03
Manpower 4, it's come to my attention that your employment at Mediacom is no longer needed. AKA you are fired.
Errr....Fosterino you fired me a long time ago, now I'm a super big cool rockstar! Rock n Roll!!!
Oh yeah I manage Tier 1 in F-L-O-R-I-D-A. So ha. It's obvious that I'm the victor of this grudgematch
Whatever Cat, I'm too cool to be digging your bad vibes homebacon. I'm out. Peace-chill bitchslut
I can't believe I can't fire George anymore. I'm so sad, it's like I fired myself...and he called me bitchslut...he's so cool. sigh
Well it's like my dad always told me, if all else fails, fight a grizzly bear naked. It's sure to kill you!

 

by benums
5-16-03
I need to find somebody devious to do my dirty work for me, because of my pretty hands. I don't want to get them dirty. My hands are pretty
Hey Ron, what's up? You wanna go get slammed with me and Jesus? I'm sliping in date rape to his drink. You know how funny he is on that shit!
Not today Willa, hey you've killed alot of people right? Say if I wanted to kill Manpo..I mean a guy. What would you recommend
Hell everybody knows the easiest way is to just blow up a hospital with your laser eyes and hope it lands on him.
Hmmm....what if I don't have laser eyes?
Then you're fucked

 

by benums
5-16-03
I'm assuming Foster asked you to help him kill McGavin..so what did he ask you?
I basically mapped out the whole thing, told him how to blow up a hospital with his laser eyes so it would fall on McGavin. But, apparently he doesn't have laser eyes. What an asshole.
What kind of asshole doesn't have laser ey...waitaminute I don't have laser eyes. In fact you don't have laser eyes...
I swear to God if you tell anybody that I really don't have laser eyes I'm going to murder you until you die.
Alright jeez, fine FUCK!. You want to go get smashed?
Let me go get a pair of pants and we'll be ready to roll.

 

by benums
5-19-03
Hey Willa, what's up?
Not much Jim. Just picked up a new pair of laser eyes from Bill's House of Laser Eyes
You seriously need to give up this whole laser eyes thing. Nobody believes you, I mean you're a talking paper clip...that floats...and you have no genitals
I have genitals...
Hmmm.....I don't see them anywhere...
Stop staring at my balls...fag.

 

by benums
5-20-03
Ezra, I just don't understand why everybody doesn't think I have genitals. Any possible way you could explain it to me?
Moo and stuff
That's great, but that doesn't answer my question..
CHICKEN AND TACOS!!
Why do I even bother talking to you?
MOOOOO TACOS PIZZA!!

 

by benums
5-20-03
So anyway, I bought a synth off of ebay today. I had to sell 8 guitars, a pair of pants, and the fridge though.
Pfft...you think that's money wasted? Check this out. I bought an Xbox at 9:13 this morning. I traded it in for a ps2 at 11:04. I ate at Mcdonalds, then I traded the ps2 for a gamecube at 12:13.
Wow that's impressive. So how many consoles have you owned?
14 ps2's, 21 gamecubes, and 7 xboxes.
Later...
Boy am I hungry...what...why are my sandwiches on the floor?...Where's the fridge...That son of a bitch sold the fridge for a new..
Oh man you gotta check out this new synth I got. It makes robot sounds!

 

by benums
5-20-03
I can't believe you sold the fridge for a synth. How are we supposed to keep beverages cold?
It makes sounds like beep, brip, be doop
Err..Pick are you even listening to me?
BEEP BEEP DANGER DANGER BEEP BOP DEEEE
Alright, you just keep making those robot sounds, I'm going to tell the landlord our fridge was stolen by a group of retired vietnam war heros
BEEEEP....I don't think this new synth is working out for me. I wonder how much I could get if I put it on ebay...hmmm...

 

by benums
5-20-03
Sweet I can get 10 bucks if I sell this synth off ebay. Granted I still spent 400 dollars and lost the fridge. But I'm coming out on top
ACCESSING MOOSE PORN 24%
YOU KNOW PICK, YOU COULD SAVE YOUR MONEY INSTEAD OF BUYING STUFF THEN JUST RESELLING IT
What are you talking about Bobby PC? You mean I don't have to sell stuff to buy stuff?
NO YOU DON......MOOSE PORN 100% COMPLETE
Yeah Bobby PC I guess you'r.... hey my moose porn is done..Radical!

 

by benums
5-20-03
Hey Bobby PC, what's up?
YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP? NOT YOUR INTELLECT, EAT DIRT ASSHOLE
Man what's with all the hate?
OH IT MIGHT BE THE FACT THAT I HATE YOU....THAT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT...ASSHOLE
Bobby PC, why do you hate me so much?
WELL YOU CAN FLOAT I CAN'T...THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.....ASSHOLE

 

by benums
5-20-03
Oh you will never believe the call I just got off of. Get this, it took this guy 3 minutes to power cycle his modem and reboot. I mean what's up with that?
I don't get it, what makes that call so incredibly bad? That's the time it takes an average human to do said task..why is it so bad?
But I got the call...it was terrible. Did I mention he was in Illinois?
Ron, I am still failing to see what made that call so terrible than the other 30 calls you take a day.
I swear that there's a prompt that says "If you are a huge idiot, press 8" and then it goes right to my line.
And I swear there's a prompt that says "If you want to talk to the biggest bitch in the world press 8" and it goes right to you

 

by benums
5-20-03
So I walk into a bar and order a sea bre...
Hold on, you're a skeleton. I don't like where this joke is going..
What? What's wrong with me telling a joke?
You're a skeleton, by all means you shouldn't be able to do anything, you should just be dead.
And you're a flying paper clip. You should be holding papers together
No bitch you're wrong! I'm the Willa, I should be getting drunk and teabagging old ladies as I fly by. Which is what I'm going to do right now

 

by benums
5-20-03
You know what would be great? A battle to the death between you and Bobcat Goldwaith. What do you think?
Sounds like fun, sign me up. Whoa hold on, did you say a battle to the death?
No, I said, you, me and Bobcat Goldwaith should all go out for italian, then you two can fight to the death.
Oh my bad. So when do you want to go?
Let's go now. If Bobcat Goldwaith kills you before 8 o'clock I can catch the Golden Girls marathon on TBS.
Ah the Golden Girls. Classic ugly, old women comedy.

 

by benums
5-20-03
Willa, your doom is upon you! I will swallow your soul! Right after I eat this turkey sandwich!
Alright Bobcat Goldwaith we've been at this for 6 days. I blow up a building, you blow up a building, it's starting to get old.
Willa, I will kill you after this turkey sandwich.
Where did you get that turkey sandwich? I want one
Mcdougals Deli, on the corner of fifth an elm.
Sweet, hold that thought of death and destruction, I'll be right back

 

by benums
5-20-03
Ahhh fresh turkey sandwich, delicous turkey. Fuck Mcdougalls Deli is run by Buddy McDougall.
Hey Willa, oh Gothic is so good, blah blah blah blah yada yada yada blah blah yada yada.
That's great Buddy, any chance I could get a turkey sandiwch?
Yeah su.......uuuuhhhh uuuuhhhhhhh uhhhh
What the Jesus? He's making that weird noise again. Is he laughing or is he dying? I guess I'll never know.
Willa, I can't breathe.......uhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh.....*

 

by benums
5-20-03
Ah ha! Willa have you accepted your doom? Kneel before your master!
Right Bobcat Goldwaith, hey I'm going to take a raincheck on our "battle to the death" I'm tired and I want to feed baking soda to pidgeons.
NO I refuse to uhhhhhhh uhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhh
Again with that noise? What the hell? Fuck this noise, I'm out. Here I come pidgeons fear for your loins!
While choking Bobcat Goldwaith inadvertantly used his laser eyes backwards and reduced himself to a pile of smoldering ash. Thus concluding the worst battle/stoyline I have ever wrote
Ouch....I'm slain...*

 

by benums
5-20-03
So now that the whole battle with Bobcat Goldwaith is over, what are you going to do now?
Plastic surgery, my friend, plastic surgery
Not to be rude, but how exactly does a talking paper clip get plastic surgery?
I plan on getting ball implants
You didn't answer my question. How does a paper clip get plastic surgery?
Huge balls Pick....huge balls.

 

by benums
5-21-03
So I was thinking about this horrible stomach pain thing checked out. What do you think?
I think you are a huge pussy. Horrible stomach pain...bah
Dude you're experiencing the same things, and you cry about it everyday
Let's get serious, why would I complain about my stomach, I don't even have a stomach, I'm a floating paper clip for God's sake
But you talk about having genitals. How could you have genitals if you don't have a stomach.
I've said it once I'll say it again...stop staring at my balls.

 

by benums
5-22-03
Hey Bitchslut next door...kill yourself and your kids yet?
No I should though. Blah blah banging kept me and my kids up blah blah blah I called the landlord blah blah blah
What are you talking about? You bang on the walls ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND YOUR TV IS SO LOUD. PS YOUR FAT KIDS ARE LOUD TOO. I haven't called the landlord yet.
Blah blah blah I really didn't call the landlord blah blah blah, just be quiet next time. PS can you watch my kids
You have to be the worst parent ever created.
I know I am. I'm going to go back to smoking alot, using all the washers and dryers, and watching TV ridiculously loud, so you can listen to EVERYTHING I'm watching

 

by benums
5-26-03
So anyway my girlfriend keeps making these not funny comics.
Hmmph. Tried beating her into submission with a 2 x 4?
Later....
Oh hey Loveybuns, how are you doing?
Well I just made another comic, it is mean, but I think it's hilarious..hardy har har..What are you doing with that 2 x 4...gaaah
And then....
So I hit with the 2 x 4, but she shoved 3 soddering irons up my ass. All in all, it was worth it
3 soddering irons? hah, I've had 12

 

by benums
5-28-03
Well, Willa, I think I might have fixed your face...
Oh that's great, lets remove the bandages
Alright, but you can't hit me with a 3 iron, if it's not what you want
You made me look like Bobcat Goldthwait....I had no choice but to break a 3 iron over your elbow. I'm taking these off
One question, how did I make you Dolphin?
Who knows...well it fits, you know, being dolphin, but you left out the huge balls....so go get me another golf club...it's time to go driving..

 

by benums
5-28-03
So you got arrested this weekend, huh?
Yeah some how the cops found out that I fuck fat kids. You didn't happen to "leak" information to the authorities did you?
No, I went into the police station told them, showed them pictures, and the video tapes.
What a relie...wait you told the cops?
Yeah, thought it would be funny.
Yeah it was hilarious when my ass was split open by my cell mate too....Asshole

 

by benums
5-28-03
After going in great detail about his weekend...
And the bitchslut thought it would be funny to turn me in....jeez what's the deal with that?
I DON'T KNOW PICK. WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS ILLEGAL. IM HALF TEMPTED TO TURN MYSELF IN, SINCE YOU HAVE DOWNLOADED OVER 90 GIG OF CHILD-PORN ON ME
What? Why Bobby PC, why would you turn me in?
BECAUSE ONE TIME YOU PUT YOUR PENIS IN MY 5.44 FLOPPY DRIVE...IT HURT...IT HASN'T STOPPED HURTING
This is ridiculous.....I've done that like 3 times
TRUE, BUT WHEN YOU DID IT, YOU KEPT IT IN THERE FOR 9 STRAIGHT HOURS EACH TIME. I THINK THAT JUSTIFIES TURNING YOU IN. PC MOLESTER..

 

by benums
5-28-03
So Doc..is there anything I can do to stop wanting fat kids?
Well........I am a plastic surgeon, but you could try dating somebody you're own age.
Can I pretend im 9?
Yeah sure....I don't care. You want ass implants?
Sweet, little Billy Nachos is going to flip out when he finds out we can date. Thanks Doc!
No problem, anything for a fellow fat kid enthusiast

 

by benums
5-28-03
Willa, do you have another number for Billy Nachos? Doc said I could date him, and I wanted to know if he wanted to go for a drive.
Well....I killed Billy Nachos along time ago...Remember?
After 3 hours of trying to remember.....
No. I don't remember, what happened.
Why I waited 3 hours for that, I don't know, but he was killed when the hospital he was in collapsed.
Oh yeah....I remember now. He fell inside my asshole that one day. How could I forget?
Honestly, How could you forget?

 

by benums
5-28-03
Ahhh that's alot better. I took off all that plastic surgery.
You know, you really can't take off plastic surgery. They bond and stich stuff and shit.
I guess that would explain all the blood.
Yeah I guess it does...Well it's great to have the old you back. Did you learn anything about your plastic surgery adventure?
Yeah if the doctor never fucked up and made me look like Bobcat Goldwaith I would have never figured out about my period.
I thought you were a guy? Meh. Oh well, lets get smashed and I'll bite your bloody vagina.

 

by benums
5-29-03
Hey PEL-O, what's up?
Nothing.....I'm not doing anything. I live in a basement.
Ever thought of getting out?
No. Not particularly.
Oh....alright?
I like to jerk off in my basement.

 

by benums
5-29-03
God that last comic of Ben's was fucking terrible. I'm totally convinced that last comic gave me prostate cancer.
Bloody hell...
Roger, you're not british...give it up.
Allo, mate, top o' the morning. I'm feeling capital, me and the missus. Put another shrimp on the barb-e.
Please pick a personality and stick with it.
Alright, I want to be you Mak....I love you.

 

by benums
5-29-03
So get this, that FAG Roger said he loved me, man what a queer...
So what did you say to him after he said that he loved you?
I told him I've waited forever to hear those words, so I held him close and groped his happy meal....but I'm not gay.
How can you not be gay? You admittedly groped another man's mighty meal.
Look, just because I only have sexual fantasies about other men, have no interest in women, and have never slept with a woman does not mean I'm gay!
So let me get this straight, you and Roger are crazy fags, and are going to run off to San Francisco and get married? Yep I've got it.

 

by benums
5-29-03
Roger, I've done alot of thinking. I want to get married and have a family.
Right....about that, I just told you those things so I could touch your toddler toy. No hard feelings eh?
Why?! Why God why?! I thought you loved me Roger!
Look, if you're not going to touch my Bacon egg and cheese biscuit, I'm outta here.
Roger wait....I love you...come back!!
No Mak....I can't do this...I never loved you...now go away! When I see your face I just think of your medium soft drink!

 

by benums
5-29-03
So you told Roger how you felt? Feeling faggish?
Yeah, but I'm not feeling faggish, I told you I'm not gay.
You were getting ready to marry another man..how could you not be gay?
I told you I'm not gay. Hot chicks turn me on!
Alright Faggy Mcfaggleskin.
So what are you doing at 8? You want to go catch a movie and some dinner?

 

by benums
5-29-03
At Blockbuster......
I just got out of a coma, and I've got 29 dollars in late fees? I was in a coma, so how the hell did I rent these movies?
Look Mr. Goldwaith, you came in here and rented 9 copies of Hot to Trot. You need to pay the late fees and return the movies
I don't have 29 dollars, those aren't my movies? Why would I watch hot to trot?! I always come in here and rent Bea Arthur on Ice.
Look Mr. Goldwaith, you came in here and rented 9 copies of Hot to Trot. You need to pay the late fees and return the movies
What does a man have to do to rent Bea Arthur on Ice?
Return 9 copies of hot to trot

 

by benums
5-29-03
Hey dad, I've come back in time to warn you. Do not fight The Willa, you will fall into a coma!!
But I just woke up from the coma. I think you might be a little late.
What day is it?
It's the 30th of May...
Back in the future....
Doc you sent me back in time to the wrong day. My dad was already in the coma. What happened
Whoops I did have the flux capacitor up my ass before I put it on the delorean...that might have had something to do with it...

 

by benums
5-29-03
YOU ARE NOW LOGGED IN THE WILLA, YOU HAVE 72741390274392804717 UNREAD MESSAGES
........How is that even possible, I just check it 6 minutes ago.
1 Minute ago.......
Oh man, you know what would be great? Signing the Willa up for a bunch of gay porn
I COMPUTE THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS. I'VE ALREADY STARTED. ESTIMATED TIME 5 MINUTES
The present
This is fucking dream come true..Look at all this gay porn.
YES LOOK AT ALL OF IT, YOU HOMO-FAG

 

by benums
5-29-03
Hold on a second, if he comes back and kills me before I made the time machine, how did he come back through time
So technically, wouldn't it create a parallel universe, obviously explained in Back to the Future 2?
So why am I still a pile of smoldering ash?
Because I make the comics, and I think it's funny. Ashey mcAsh

 

by benums
5-30-03
So I'm all ready to go down to champaigne with you
About that, you can't go. I need to go with my friends so I can get smashed and cheat on you.
OH...so you're going to cheat on me?
Yep, that's the plan.
Can I ask why?
It's because your fat and ugly, you can easily be replaced by some random guy.

 

by benums
5-30-03
Bodtkye says I'm fat....Do you think I am?
I'm sorry I missed the question, I was too busy staring at your many rolls. They're quite enchanting you know
So you think I'm fat? What do you think I should do?
I wouldn't mind smearing butter all over them, putting them in the oven for 8-9 minutes
God stop, I'm crying! You're hurting my feelings!
And some gravy....and mashed potatoes...with those perfect rolls...

 

by benums
6-02-03
Doot de dooo....dum dum dum
Dum de dum....anybody in the bathroom? No?...alright. Oh my God what are you doing?!
Can't a guy beat off in private?
You weren't just beating it, you were drinking a beer, smoking a cigarette, blowing mud, and jerking it.
Oh well.......looks like you caught me...
How do you do that? Seriously, I want to try it.

 

by benums
6-03-03
Can't wait for the Golden Girls marathon. What the?! Forproctologists whats up with your cable? Either I'm on the static channel, or it's out!
Call the cable company
Thanks for calling Assholevision this is Burt Reynolds, how can I help you?
Yeah this is the Willa, I'm calling for a friend of mine. The cable is all fuzzy, it looks like pushing a piece of paper through a walruses asshole
Ok what I need you to do is open your computer up. Urinate on the motherboard, and defecate on the video card
Alright, no problem. By the way I loved you in 3 men and a baby

 

by benums
6-05-03
So then AC Slater translated the cooks, and he said that they said they wanted a raise, or they would go on strike...Jeez what a day
Let me get this straight, the boss goes out of town for business, and he double books 2 parties? That sounds like an episode of Saved by the Bell
No, this actually happened. Ask Screech or Jessie, they were there, in fact we all were Jessie, Kelly, Screech, and AC Slater. Did I mention I was dating the bosses daughter?
Ok that is an episode of Saved by the Bell. Why are you pretending to be Zack Morris?
Zack who? I don't know what you're talking about, I grew up in Bayside. I went to Bayside high, I joined the Ringos. I used to get in so much trouble with Mr. Belding, the school principal.
Yeah...fuck Belding.

 

by benums
6-05-03
I'm glad those skanks are finally gone.
No they're still here, I helped them move in to our apartment yesterday.
Where are they staying again?
In our apartment. In the bathroom to be exact.
Oh that would explain the screaming when I was taking a shower this morning.
Jeez man, these are our roommates, show some respect asshole.

 

by benums
6-05-03
Look Kelly Kapowski, we need to talk. I'm not happy anymore, I'm moving out of Bayside.
Zach...why?! I love you!
Kelly Kapowski, I can't do this, I want to move to Chillicothe, Il. and I'm changing my name to "The Willa"
I let you fuck my ass in Belding's office! You said you would always love me!
The Willa says alot of things baby, he says alot
Wwwwaahhhhhhhh!!!!

 

by benums
6-05-03
So Zach, I came to wish you goodbye....
AC....we've had our hard times, and we've had our good times, and I'm totally convinced now more than ever, you eat other mens genitals
But, there's Jessie, and I won the boy's wrestling tournament! I'm not gay
First off, Jessie is a total lesbian, if you don't notice it, you don't have eyes. Boy's wrestling tournament? In a fag's world. God faggles mcfag
Preppie......
I swear to God if you call me that again AC, I will stick an elephant trunk up your ass. What does AC stand for anyway? Action Cock?

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