All comics by chickenpinata

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by chickenpinata
1-29-02
Gorbna recalls the first lesson of greeting a new species: wave tongue wildly; attempt to lick.
I will give this creature the universal sign of welcome from my planet Schnitzvolnocek
Goddam, you have bad breath!
Gorbna continues his sign of welcome to the chagrin of Snowy.
He speaks in a language unknown to me. Perhaps I must talk into the strange proboscis that extends erectly from his head and attempt tongue contact.
Ack! . . . Can't. . . breathe. . . not. . . sure. . . I'll. . . make . . . it.
Schnitzvolnocek successfully makes contact with Species Cold & Wet.
NmicknMoCK! Be'Lun-nak!
Damned ferners--don't know anything about dental hygeine.

 

by chickenpinata
1-29-02
In Hell, Snowy visits his friend Rod
Hey, Snowy, I'm surprised to see you down here!
Yeah well, I thought Eau de Sulphur would be a vast improvement over the stench of this tongue-licky multi-eyed guy I just met.
I've seen him around. He even licked my horn. Hey, man, I'm not into that.
Those ferner types--they have no sense of personal boundaries.
That's why Hell's full of them.
Yeah--Hell and France.

 

by chickenpinata
1-29-02
49 million channels--and nothing to watch.
Oh, man, I hate the news. I really am in Hell.
We interrupt this program to bring you startling news! Apparently, a foul-breathed fiend is on the loose . . .
Not that guy!
Do not approach! He is considered Eyed and Dangerous. His breath has been known to turn iron into slag in .024 seconds!
So much for Smellyvision. . .
I can smell his putrid breath from here.
He's squeezing the oxygen from my lungs! Run, run for your lives!

 

by chickenpinata
1-29-02
Gorba continues his mission to make new friends
Aha! Here is yet another opportunity to demonstrate my Schnitzvolnocek welcome and advance the knowledge of our people!!
You don't scare me.
Be'nuuk-ma! Achi-lo-m'yn, ugar-la?
That is some rancid breath you have, dude. Don't they have toothbrushes on your planet? . . . Uh-oh, I'm feeling slaggy.
After .024 seconds of foul-breathed miscommunication. . .
That did not go as well as I expected.

 

by chickenpinata
1-29-02
In a recent strip, Gorbna, a Level-4 Bottom Dwelling Schnitzvolnocekian was misidentified as "Gorba," a parasitic polyocular Ephemeron. We regret any confusion this may have caused you.
Why can't I make any friends?
Maybe it has something to do with your breath, Gorbna.
What's wrong with my breath?
Not a thing--if you want people to know you've consumed garlic-flavored space debris, that is.

 

by chickenpinata
1-30-02
Rod plots to do away with poor Gorbna.
You summoned me, boss?
Yes. I need you to take someone out.
Who?
A garbage-breathing, tongue-flailing Schnitzvolnocekian named Gorbna. You'll know him when you smell him.
You don't like me much, do you?
You're a minion, what do you expect?

 

by chickenpinata
1-30-02
Meanwhile, back at Gorbna's. . .
You hoo, Gorbna!
It's not fair. I can't help my simple chronic halitosis. How can I complete my mission to welcome new species to Schnitzvolnocek if they continue to gasp for breath and reject me?
Are you still brooding about the robot you turned to slag?
Uh. . . no. . . not really. . . I was just wondering where I could find a toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, and Listerine.
That's easy, Gorbna--ShnitzMart. They have everything.
Do you think they sell teeth there too?

 

by chickenpinata
1-31-02
With his orders in hand, Kip the Killer Burro sets out to destroy Gorbna.
Hi Snowy, what's shaking?
Not a lot. And you?
Oh, the usual. Rod hired me to knock off some poor old shlep.
Really? Anyone I know?
This alien with stinky breath named Gorbna. You heard of him?

 

by chickenpinata
2-05-02
We've secretly replaced Kip's usual caller with a New and Improved one . . .
Rrrr-inggg! Ringgg!
Maybe if I just ignore the phone, it will go away.
Rrring-Rrrring!
Tra la, tra la, you can't make me answer you.
Poof! The phone was really Rod in disguise!
Next time, Kip, answer the phone.
I hate your dumb loyalty tests.

 

by chickenpinata
2-05-02
Having failed to answer the phone when his Master rang, Kip finds himself in a perpetual state of combustion.
Hi, Gunther. How do you like my new look?
Do I know you?
It's me--Kip.
Kip? As in Kip, the Killer Burro? You failed another phone test given by our Incarnate Ruler of Great Evil, Destruction, and Spam,didn't you?
How was I supposed to know it was Rod? Why else do demons have telepathy, if not to communicate with their minions directly?
I have no pithy response to that, other than to think, "Kip, you're a great big dumbass."

 

by chickenpinata
11-12-04
When we last left Snowy and Rod, they were
Hey, Rod. Long time no see.
No kidding? Doing what?
Oh, same ol' same ol'--mayhem, paranoia, apocalypse. The usual.

 

by chickenpinata
11-13-04
When we last left Snowy and Rod nearly three years ago...
Hey, Rod. Long time, no see.
I've been in Africa doing some volunteer work.
No kidding? What kind?
Oh, same ol' same ol'--mayhem, paranoia, apocalypse. The usual.
Well, now that you're back, what's your agenda?
Oh, same ol' same ol'--mayhem, paranoia, apocalypse. The usual.

 

by chickenpinata
11-13-04
After 3 years of futilely searching to make friends, Gorbna decides that he will communicate via the Internet......Day 1
Greetings, friends! I am Gorbna from Schnitzvolnocek. My mission is to make first contact with creatures from your planet. I have found you strange and difficult. You do not seem to like me.
Type. Type. Type.
.......Day 2
You gasp for breath, or flee from me, or turn into slag. This is not a good way to start solid relationships.
Type. Type. Type.
.......Day 46
You never call, you never write, you never let me lick you, my Mommy never loved me, and someone ate my dog.....
Dude, this blog sucks.

 

by chickenpinata
11-13-04
Hey, Boss. What's new?
Who are you??
It's me, Kip. The Killer Burro.
Kip....Kip.... Nah, don't remember you. And you don't look like much of a burro.
See? And you thought the devil was unreasonable.
Yeah, that's the problem. I'll give you my soul if you change me back.
Souls I got. Let's talk about anal probes and warming jelly....

 

by chickenpinata
11-14-04
When we last left our foul-breathed hero, he was discovering the joys of blogging.
Yesterday I made first contact with a human female who did not run from me in fright. Nor was she disturbed by my panoply of eyes.
Type. Type. Type.
She said I had eyes like a syphilitic Argus....
Type. Type. Type.
....whose breath was like the rose of thanatos that blooms on cowpies. Wasn't that sweet?
Dude, you're an idiot.

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