All comics by colleenpants

Profile

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
...why am I the one with nails through my hands, again?

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
You came to the wrooong fucking solar system, dickfodder
...uh oh

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
So I says to Judas, I says, "You should've at -least- bargained it up to 31..."
Testing, testing...is this thing on?

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Funny seeing you here, Frank.
Err, yeah, this is kind of awkward... management said they spoke with you. Your contract isn't being renewed.
So that's it then, I guess I'll see you later.
Well...that's the thing...

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Okay...who hid the remote?

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
I once knew this guy who was the Christiest Christ you ever did seeeeee
He was like...crucified and shit but he did it all for meeeeee
God, indeed, -is- merciful.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Excuse me, aren't you a bit lost?
If I say "yes", will you still rape me with your Rape-Attachment?
I cannot tell a lie...

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
I'll stop when you stop, l0z3r
Dream on, n00b

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
You -do- realize that whichever one of us dies first becomes a Christian icon, right?
Of course I do, f3wl, why else would I be trying to chew through my own neck?
I thought perhaps you were as tired of hearing your voice as I was.
You are such a bitch.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Thomas, what is this bill for "Stefan's Massage Parlour"?
I couldn't tell you, Peter, I've never even heard of the place.
...But they included a picture of you butt-fucking Stefan.
I know of -a- "Stefan", but I have never heard of this "massage parlour"...
...But they included a picture of you being buttfucked by the "Stefan's Massage Parlour" sign...
Oh yes, -that- "Stefan's Massage Parlour".

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
This is the best comedy show I've ever seen.
It hasn't even started yet, you fuck.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
I've had enough, Jon, I'm leaving town for a while.
You can't just...leave, chicken, you're on the menu for tonight.
Then I suppose I picked a perfect time to take a little vacation.
...
Yes, I do realize you're about to release the hounds on me.
Good, then I won't feel so badly in doing it, and try not to let them mangle your flesh up too badly.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
"Oh girls, just wanna have fu-un..."
"...oh girls just-a wanna have fun..."
"...ohhh, that's all they really waaa-aaant..."
That's it, Christ. I've told you about singing Cindy Lauper within Jerusalem's city limits.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
What the fuck do you want me to do, melt faster?

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Looks like Julio got stagefright and cut out early...
"Cut out", what the hell, I chained him to my desk to prevent this very thing...
It seems as though he...circumvented that by removing his arm with the sharp end of a staple...
God damnit, Carmicheal, fetch me the mop.
Hah hah, looks like someone spilled their tomato juice backstage.
That's a ridiculously large amount of blood, you fuck.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Well...this just sucks...my mom always told me I'd end up beached and alone.
Now this is just ridiculous...
Hey, baby, what's a porpoise like you doing in a place like this?...

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Honey, it's just a gag, I'm really not sucking myself off... I was just...trying to... Damnit you caught me.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
*ring ring ring*
*ring ring ring*
God, I've had such a hectic fucking week...I think I'll just let the machine get it.
*ring ring ring*

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Hello there, Bob the Butcher, is there anything I can help you with in your Chicken-Slaughtering Factory of Blood, Pain and Gore (tm)?
Ummm...
Take one fucking step and I'll blast you with my pepper spray.

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Baxter tires of taking the Metro on Earth, and has a personal conference with his supervisor...
Don't get me wrong, God, I like doing kewl things for mortals and all...
Oh great, here we go...
Who, being quite omnipotent, has forseen this very question...
...but when am I going to get my wings?
I've been over this with the staff at least 30 times this week...we're a bit over budget for the time being. Try and practice a bit of patience.
...and bluffs, knowing of Baxter's severe reactions to extreme temperatures.
Oh okay, well, if you say so...
Look, Baxter, if you don't like the benefits, you can always try putting in an application downstairs...

 

by colleenpants
7-29-02
Yes, just as I thought, half of your lights are out, and or disfunctional.
This shall result in the issuing of six seperate tickets, for six seperate violations, a ride down to the station in cuffs and a total of $600 in fines.
Oh, yes, and I will be taking you cross-state to meet my Aunt Pattie, she will be delighted to make your acquaintance.
...what the fuck...

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Hello there, who are you?
...this is weird.

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
A short time ago, only mere weeks, Peter Mc.Dougall was living in a beautiful home off the coast of California making day trips in his incredible houseboat...
And then he recieved a slip of paper from the United States government that would change his life, and the life of his family, for all time...
It was his passport, and they were going to vacation for the year in France.
Oh Christ...my head, I think it's broken...

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
[chicken-crossing-the-road reference]
*comical pause as a brief look is cast towards the reader*
HAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
Please, God, I canna take anymore chicken-road-crossing jokes with these characters...

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
What the fuck is up, Christ!
Dude...anyone ever tell you you're one shitter of a downer?

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
...Which is why, my child, the Lord shall always be with you in your heart, forever.
Okay, sounds bitchin'. He loves me, but why does he hate -you-?
As the only Son of Our Lord, the Father has but love for me, a love which he has bestowed upon all of His children on Earth.
...Dude...what the fuck, you're nailed to some plywood.
This is going to be a long night...

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Now, my child, do you comprehend the beauty and power of the love in which I make my sacrifice, and the effects it will have on mankind?
Hahaha, you have a boner. That's fucking awesome.
...

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Is it true that you store fish eggs in your eye holes?
Is it true that your penis is actually just a really flabby wart?
Touche'.

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Good news, sir, we found a great act to fill up this slot.
Fabulous, Carmicheal! Who is this showstopping wonder?
It's Teddums, sir, Teddums the janitor.
You fool, Teddums has been dead for 4 years.
Smells like they've got some cabbage cooking back there.
That's a rotting corpse, you fuck.

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Look, Mrs. Tibbles, Sears delivered my new puter.
Good morning, Big Red, please browse through my extensive helpfiles.
Mrs. Tibbles, how does it know--
I said browse, bitch, let's get your ass on the internet highway.

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Whoever let the dogs out also need to clean up their mess.

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Look, Mrs. Tibbles, we've got mail!
"titsgalore69@hotmail.com: Are you lonely tonight? Would you like to view some of my FREE sexy cams? Cum on over to my site, I'll be waiting..."
This is so lame, the first email I get is from my own mother.

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Oh goody, Mrs. Tibbles, someone's responded to my forum post!
"QTbabe420: d00d u r l0z3r get a liiife lol!!! -_-"
What is this strange language, puter?
That is "l337", Big Red.
...And you have now officially been pwnz0red.

 

by colleenpants
7-30-02
Hey Butch!
When I grow up...
...this is going to be good...
I want to be a grey, poorly shaded piece of "macabre" artwork that only slightly resembles something that Edward Gorey might unknowingly release from his ass!

 

by colleenpants
8-29-02
Sometimes, sightgags aren't all they're cracked up to be.

 

by colleenpants
8-29-02
real life is such great material.
Hello there, sir, is there anything I can help you with on this fine evening?
As a matter of fact, yes, do you happen to sell any canine nipple clamps or bondage gear?
I can't quite recall, if you give me a moment I can run and check on that for you.
That would be wonderful, thank you miss.
...Why did I not see this coming?...

 

by colleenpants
8-30-02
Hey, I'm going to the kitchen, want me to get you a drink?
Yes. I would like some of that red stuff.
You mean the Kool-Aid?
...in your dreams.
I'm frightened.
Where did I leave my brain-straw?

 

by colleenpants
8-31-02
You know, some people will never give up.
How true. We survived the effects of an earth-shattering asteroid, you'd think we could inhale some nicotine in peace.
Actually it was the Deccan Traps mantle plume volcanism which triggered greenhouse climatic warming with the help of Carbon Dioxide.
Alvin, will you please let this go, millions of years go by and you still can't just agree to disagree.

Showing page 1.