All comics by fleabitten

 

by fleabitten
10-16-05
So I got this squirrel net to capture you
and when I get you you will live in the 24 HOUR YAK PARTY and life will be wonderful
That's cool. Just don't give me rabis

 

by fleabitten
10-16-05
I'm just SO IN LOVE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF! How do I express to my girlfriend all the love I have for her?
You should probably treat her like dirt and ignore her when she needs you
Good thinking! I should get on that now

 

by fleabitten
10-16-05
And God makes the homosexuals burn in hell for ever and ever
No kidding, kid. The bisexuals, too

 

by fleabitten
10-16-05
Is anyone out there?

 

W
by fleabitten
10-17-05
You know, George W Bush, you're just bitter cause you can't be a lesbian
Yeah, I know

 

by fleabitten
10-17-05
Jerry Springer show, year 2024
On today's show our guest is a former old white man
who underwent a sex change
to be a LESBIAN
Please welcome to our show today...
FORMER PRESIDENT, GEORGINA W BUSH
I'm soooo fabulous

 

by fleabitten
10-17-05
Hey girlfrend, I really think I might combust from sexual frustration
Yeah right, Cappy
NO REALLY!
I fucking told you so
OH WOW I've always wanted to date a pile of ashes!

 

by fleabitten
10-18-05
Is it rude to ask someone if they've ever had a cumshot to the face?
PS, I feel like we should go for a drive
MY ASSCRACK NEEDS TO BE DISPLAYED AT ALL TIMES
Jesus told me to save myself for marriage
Thanks, Jesus
YOU GO GIRL!! ! !

 

by fleabitten
10-18-05
Nore is completely enthralled by facebook
facebookfacebook facebookfaceboook facebooooook
Hey girlfriend, watch me pick bellybutton lint with my sword!
...Girlfriend?
facebookfacebook facebookfacebooook
Maybe I should get facebook to ensure you don't forget my existence

 

by fleabitten
10-18-05
Nore is still completely enthralled with facebook
facebookfacebook facebookfacebook facebooook
facebookfacebook facebookfacebook FACEBOOK CLUB?!
I Love Hot Lesbian Sex Club!
You'd rather START an I Love Hot Lesbian Sex Club than have hot lesbian sex?

 

by fleabitten
10-19-05
True or False: I can die from sleep deprivation
The Cap, you slept 12 hours today
They might have to reclassify me as a sloth, do you think I could be a sloth? Do you think I could undergo a species change operation?
The Cap, they let in stinky boys to our school, but I doubt they'll let in sloths
Specists!
Untrue, The Cap, you know Lisa Marsh Ryerson turns into a rabid, flesh-eating werewolf every night and on Sundays and I'm pretty sure they're cool with that

 

Ma'am, do you know you were going 90 in a 55MPH zone? And you're carrying an unauthorized weapon. and we have you on camera challenging a toll booth worker to a duel
How can I change this conversation to talk about how I'm a lesbian?
by fleabitten, 10-21-05

 

Main 217A (The Rainbow Room)
So The Cap...time to clean our room yet?
by fleabitten, 10-23-05

 

by fleabitten
10-26-05
Quad meeting
Today's quad meeting is in order to discuss a quad giraffe.
A quad giraffe seems to be the best fury fish as they are easier than *PUSSSIEZZZ* to keep track of, and they're not as mean as yaks
Yeah, and the rainbow room dwellers won't be tempted to eat giraffes as they might be tempted to eat...
Hey, excuse me, we can't have a quad meeting without Laura J McClusky!
JESUS, Where is Laura J McClusky?
Bitch please. I am NOT Laura J McClusky's keeper. I am outta here beeyotch.. Peace the fuck out mothafuckaz

 

by fleabitten
11-09-05
I just underwent the first ever self-performed heart transplant
What are you up to?
I'm thinking really hard about how it won't take much for me to drive this nail into my skull

 

by fleabitten
11-10-05
So Caitlin Pratt...it looks like we're stuck on this island pretty much forever, or until a rescue plane comes for us
Soooo what do you wanna do in the meantime?
Think about uncles? Play gospel choir?
Wanna mutually masturbate?
Yeah I'll meet you behind that tree in 5 minutes...do you think coconut milk can substitute for lube?

 

by fleabitten
11-15-05
Dude, Samson is so drunk he's hitting on that tree
HeYYy there, sexy... Are there any presents under there for me to unwrap? **hiccupp**
I know jujitsu

 

by fleabitten
11-16-05
All we need is superior technology and subversive legislation
...and we will erase you from history

 

by fleabitten
11-16-05
All we need is superior technology, subversive legislation, and an apathetic populace
And you will be erased from history

 

by fleabitten
11-16-05
So I overheard The Boss talking...He said one of us is gonna get laid off
They're not gonna touch me...I'm gay and disabled. I could sue for discrimination
Dude... you're an alcoholic and a junkie that gives head for drug money
That's what I said. A disabled homo

 

by fleabitten
11-16-05
Maybe if we just sit around and think
we can achieve Nirvana
No, thinking just
makes you combust

 

by fleabitten
11-16-05
"And Little Red Riding Hood said to the wolf,
'My, what big teeth you have grandma...'
'The better to...'"
Grandma, I fail to believe that any child in their right mind would mistake any wolf in ANY disguise--no matter how good the disguise-- for their grandmother
SILENCE child, before I consume you. I'm not done with the story

 

by fleabitten
11-16-05
So now that the oven's preheated we're going to coat Chester with this sauce and put him in for 45-55 minutes
Lou...
...this isn't what I had in mind when you said you liked to eat pussy
Have you seen my wife's dried out old crusty vergina fer cryin out loud

 

by fleabitten
11-16-05
YESS I LOVE this episode
NEXT on When Uncles Attack Part 6 Uncle Botox contracts rabis and flings goat carcasses at the neighbors...
I AM GORGAZON, AND I HAVE COME TO EXTRACT YOUR SOUL THROUGH YOUR BOWELS
Hey Gorgazon, can you move over a little, you're blocking the TV
*Sigh* I remember the day when I could claim children's souls because they weren't already eaten away at by mainstream media.

 

by fleabitten
11-17-05
I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff.
What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff
I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them
That’s all I’d do all day.
I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

 

by fleabitten
11-21-05
You people don't have chimneys?
We also don't have a capitalist culture so integral to your celebration of "peace" and "joy."
Not to mention that wrapping paper is unsustainable, as are all the superfluous things within the wrapping paper that are most likely assembled by children in China
But none of this really happened.....

 

by fleabitten
11-21-05
Dude, did I ever tell you about the time I found a dismembered hand to jack off with?
No dude, that's awesome!
Yeah. Sometimes you just gotta get off

 

by fleabitten
11-21-05
Hey buddy...what you in here for
Soliciting sex
You?
Setting fire to a glue factory
Let's snuggle

 

by fleabitten
11-21-05
Where is the confessional?
This is an Episcopal church, we don't have confessionals
But there is a Catholic church down the street
I just..you know..ate meat on Friday
Yeah I hear ya, happens to the best of us

 

by fleabitten
11-22-05
HEY JEW!
OMG what
HEY JEW come over here and EAT ME
Noooooo I can't do it!!
Eat me, Please eat me!
Why can't we just believe in Satan instead of being haunted by our goddamn consciences in the form of giant bacon beings

 

by fleabitten
11-23-05
George W Bush: this man and his cat and I will obliterate your lowly planet in 10 seconds if you don't give me one reason why not to
America, the greatest nation on this planet, under the leadership of myself and the highest grossing multi-national corporations, wish to impose peace, freedom and democracy worldwide
Skip the countdown, we're blowing this shit up pronto

 

by fleabitten
11-25-05
Life is a stage
But this ain't no stage blood
I'll kill all you motherfuckers.

 

by fleabitten
11-25-05
I'm pretty sure I'm being followed by a dinosaur
Yep, I'm pretty sure that's a dinosaur behind me
It's really annoying to be drunk dialed by Russians.

 

by fleabitten
11-25-05
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ah
Ah
Ah
Ah
Stayin aliiii-iiiiiiive

 

by fleabitten
11-26-05
So, Diane, tell me about yourself
Well, I'm the head of a successful accounting firm in New York...I grew up on a farm in Idaho...I love classical music and playing the piano
And I'm exclusively sexually attracted to mythical creatures
Check please

 

by fleabitten
11-26-05
Dude put some pants on...You're gonna poke somebody's eye out with that thing
Actually
If you really loved me, you would let me fuck your eyeballs out of their sockets
That's gonna cost you a pair of testicles

 

by fleabitten
11-26-05
So, Cappy. Tell me about yourself.
Well...I live with a girl who keeps her asscrack visible perpetually, I like to swashbuckle, my middle name is not interesting at all, I publicly discovered that I can't juggle vibrators
And I'd really like to give you a hickey on your forehead
Hey, waiter..CHECK. PRONTO.

 

by fleabitten
11-27-05
Oooh a shooting star...I get to make a wish!
I wish....that the man of my dreams would appear and we'd be pre-wed so I could bone that bitch immediately
Oh hey, Jesus! I always knew my reverance of you was actually a sexual obsession!
Shut up ho and get on your knees. I like it dogggy style yeeeah bitch yeeeeeeeeah

 

by fleabitten
12-01-05
So I've created this great Menses Room for women to come to and relax while they are menstruating
There's an assortment of chocolates, heating pads, couches to relax on...
The only rule is that you're not allowed to come within 4 feet of me
So I'll be over here at least 4 feet away from all the rest of you huffing my menstruation. If any of your menstruation odor mingles with mine I'll have to up the personal space radius

 

by fleabitten
12-01-05
Hey, remember that time we went to Moonshine Falls, and then it started to rain?
Yeahh, that was really nice...And remember that time I asked you to be my girlfriend when we were laying on the bathroom floor?
Not really, wasn't I drunk?
Yeah well..Remember when we went nude hanggliding over Central Park&dropped water balloons full of Jello@unsuspecting pedestrians bellow& we got arrested for indecent exposure&spent the night in jail?
Um No?
Oh yeah, that must have been a different girlfriend. I bet she remembers when I asked her out

 

by fleabitten
12-01-05
So much for the hypermasculinization of violence

 

by fleabitten
12-06-05
Man was able to tame fire, and use it to his advantage
And what did man do with his fire?
Might as well 've burnt the whole place down, that's fer goddamn sure

 

by fleabitten
12-23-05
Let's think about what Richard Simmons is doing right now.
I'll blow you for a quarter
The tightness of your pants offend me. Although I am thankful you're not wearing spandex.
If we're thankful for nothing else, we ought to be thankful we're not Richard Simmons. Although..I can't actually think of anything wrong with being a B-list celebrity and a second rate male hooker
The cock, Cappy..The cock.

 

by fleabitten
12-23-05
We can't use language anymore....Language is part of the patriarchy. And you know how we feel about the patriarchy
We can use gestures and body language as a means of communication. And clicking noises!
Nore and Cappy gesticulate wildly at each other while making clicking noises..but eventually give up...
This isn't working, Cappy. I don't understand what you're trying to communicate
Well uh hey.. do you think sex is a means of communication?
HELL YEAH IT IS. LETS GO DO IT
Fuck fucking the patriarchy, man, when you could be making sweeeet sweet love

 

by fleabitten
1-20-06
Mel ak Tapha nu ngi toog ca ker ga. Ibout xaritu Tapha, new na.
Mel na nga def
Uhh ma ngi fii rekk
Yow degg nga wolof bu baax?
Degg naa tuuti rekk
Laayila! Tubaab bi degg na Wolof!
Alxumdalilay!

 

by fleabitten
1-20-06
*type type..type type* I'm wearing an eyepatch..
A week later...
Oooh...*type type type type type*
Three weeks later...
I'm wearing a blue sweater..I'm taking off the blue sweater..
I'm SO turned on right now...

 

by fleabitten
1-26-06
Ismaela ngiy jàngal. Kii na ñew?
*knock knock*
Koo kan la?
Kii Bill Cosby laa. Na nga def suma rakk?
Maa ngi fi rekk, Bill Cosby.
Laayilaa! Bill Cosby bi degg na Wolof!
Alhamdulilay!

 

by fleabitten
1-31-06
Yow, Sarah, yaayal suma cor
Déedéet, Bill Cosby, man bêgguma far
Sarah! Will you please accept Bill Cosby..please?
Déedéet.. baal ma Bill Cosby ak Ismaela, je préfère jaay naa
Suma cuks mu na ca Denmark...
Alhamdulilay!

 

by fleabitten
3-03-06
Why did the tubab cross Bourguiba?
To get to the bissap!
Hey tubab, put some fuckin clothes on, you're in a MOSLEM COUNTRY

 

by fleabitten
3-10-06
Yow lo bëgg nga?
BËGG NAA LEKK JAAY NAA. LEEGI
English time out
Dude...I meant what do you wanna buy from my stand
Oh...pamplemousse

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