All comics by geocurly33

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by geocurly33
11-12-04
Don't you want me to be HAPPY? Why don't you want me to be HAPPY?? Why does everyone hate me for wanting to be HAPPY!?!? I just wan't to be happy - is that so WRONG??!?
What the **** is she talking about . . . ?
Did you tell your kids that I got divorced? Do they want me to be HAPPY? Do they know I'm a METHODIST NOW?!?! Do they know that Methodists are HAPPY?? DO THEY?!?!
Uh . . . wha . . . ?
I like to CAMP! IT MAKES ME HAPPY!! In the WOODS!! HAPPY!! HAPPY!!
Hello, mother.

 

by geocurly33
11-12-04
It is very, very, very, very, VERY IMPORTANT that I tell you something! About my DIVORCE! Important things!
Really, I'd rather not . . . it's none of my . . .
Hideous, terrible things that were done to me! Awful, terrible things! To ME! We need to talk about these things! So that you KNOW WHAT MADE ME UNHAPPY!!!!
Look, while I feel for your unfortunate situation, uh, I'd don't think . . .
You will be SHOCKED AND AMAZED!!! Prepare yourself - nasty, bad things he did - TO ME!! That way you'll KNOW! That way, you'll UNDERSTAND! That way . . .
Two states away may not be enough . . .

 

by geocurly33
11-15-04
How my (First) Step-Father Handled the Same Information
Did your mother tell you that she and I are getting a divorce?
Yeah, she mentioned it.
Well, just try and be supportive of her, if you can.
Yeah, sure.
So, how about those Lions? Drafted pretty well this year, eh?
Yeah, well, they always seem to, but this Williams guy . . .

 

by geocurly33
11-15-04
Sometime when I come to see you we should go for a walk.
Ok - that sounds nice . . . wait - why?
Because you need to know about the DISEASES! Hideous, horrible, SEXUAL diseases! That he gave me ON PURPOSE! We will walk - and talk! And you WILL KNOW!!!
That's not . . . that's . . . uh . . .
So when can I come over?
Well, uh, work's very busy. I'll be taking depositions every Saturday and Sunday. All day. Every day. Until, uh, next April. Big case. Very busy.

 

by geocurly33
11-17-04
What my Mother told me about sex when I was young.
When the day comes that you are about to have sex, DON'T! You will LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR BODY!! You will not be able to stop yourself! RESIST!!!
This is SCIENTIFIC FACT! When men are in that situation THERE IS NO GOING BACK! You cannot risk something VERY BAD happening!
Uh . . . ok.
How I used this information:
How about a hummer and roll in the sack?
Sure. Can we wait an hour or so?

 

by geocurly33
11-18-04
One good thing my mother did for/to me . . .
You need to move out TOMORROW! It pains me to do this, but it is FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! OFF YOU GO! GOOD LUCK!
But I'm moving out in month anyway. You might recall that I'm going to college?
YOUR OWN GOOD! You need to be responsible! This will teach you to BE RESPONSIBLE!!! This is PROGRESS!!!
Who the fuck will take me in for only a month before I can get into my place at Collegeville?
. . . was to step things up with the girlfriend who would become my wife.
We haven't been dating all that long, but if it's only for a few weeks, ok.
Thanks. How about a hummer and a roll in the sack?

 

by geocurly33
11-22-04
Before we got married:
I'm concerned about you meeting my parents.
Why is that?
Well, I'm a little embarrassed of my dad. He's a bit of a racist and a sexist; he's an undereducated Bible-thumper, and he once beat a cat to death.
Believe me when I say he sounds like a refreshing change of pace.
Then she got to know my mother.
Would you mind if we spent the holidays with my folks?
They're already expecting us - I set it up back in July.

 

by geocurly33
11-23-04
The people want to know - is your Mother really that bad?
Yes. Nothing in this strip has been made up. I've got a lifetime of this stuff to throw out there.
But these "conversations" didn't really go that way, did they?
Yes - they are all real as well. I have edited for space a bit, but that is all.
So why in the hell are you allowing your Mother to come over for Thanksgiving?
She promised to leave her flying monkeys at home and come by car instead of broom.

 

by geocurly33
11-29-04
So the question is, what does he see in her?
My new husband and I LOVE TO CANOE!! We are want to buy a house on a river and CANOE, CANOE, CANOE!!!
You haven't been within spitting distance of a canoe for 30 years . . .
And we going to IRELAND!! Because we're WORLD TRAVELLERS!! All over the globe - HOORAY!!!
I know you went to Panama once 5 years ago, and Canada once before that . . .
At last I have someone who shares my interests!! And we'll be HAPPY! HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!!
Congratulations.

 

by geocurly33
11-30-04
So what's the deal with the first husband, my father?
He cheated on me! A friend of his, WHO WANTED ME, BY THE WAY, introduced him to a hussy! BECAUSE HE WANTED ME!! The friend, I mean.
I see.
There was a kernel of truth. He did cheat.
And HE HATES CHILDREN! Your father! Don't take it personally, he hates all children. YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE ONE!!
Damn . . .
But he's been married to the "other woman" for 30 years. And come to find out, he loves kids.
Hey son! When can we come over and babysit those grandkids? We haven't seen them in a week!
Any time you'd like.

 

by geocurly33
12-06-04
So how do you deal with her . . .
Hi! So I got your email asking what you should do when you get here! And what you should do is call this service because they'll pick you up and . . .
Wait. First of all, I didn't ask you what I should do, I told you what I am doing.
. . . day-to-day?
But there's this service and you should make a reservation and I use that service and its SOOOO convenient and . . .
AND I just sat down to dinner. I am not free to speak with you right now.
Ignore her or educate her.
Oh.
This means that if you wish to speak with me you must call back at a time more convenient for me.

 

by geocurly33
12-09-04
I took a class!! They told me that no-one can make me UNHAPPY UNLESS I LET THEM!! WELL I WON'T LET YOU MAKE ME UNHAPPY ANY MORE!!!!
Yeah. You got me. My sole purpose on this earth, everying I do, is for one reason - to make you unhappy.
I KNEW IT!!!!

 

by geocurly33
1-03-05
My father's brother died last week! And his daughter - my cousin!!! Cancer!!!! CANCER!!! Which runs in our family!
What? Who? Wait - what?
So WHEN you call your Grandfather to say Happy New Year, you SHOULD also mention his brother dying!
Wait. While I appreciate your telling me about the deaths, I can handle when and if to call, and what to say. On my own. Thanks.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! The funeral(s) are in North Carolina! I'm going to Seattle!!!
No-one's ever going to believe that we have conversations like this. No-one. Happy freakin' New Year.

 

by geocurly33
1-06-05
So it was because we made our own arrangments for our wedding that your mother went over the top with your sister's first wedding?
Yup. You may recall that Mother had to ask me whether she was invited to ours.
I just got the email that your sister is remarrying - what's she doing this time?
Going to Vegas. But she won't say when and no-one is invited.
Doesn't that seem like a lot just to avoid your mother?
Well, they're also sending out dummy couples to Niagra Falls and Atlantic City. And I'm helping with the disguises.

 

by geocurly33
1-10-05
The parenting lesson I really learned from her:
Any moron with sperm can be father; but you'll only ever have one mother. And that is ME!!!
Ok.
Ignore her advice.
Of course, your step-dad is really your dad anyway, because he cares! He buys you SHOES! And THINGS!
Oh.
Instead, love them with an undivided heart, and teach them by example.
You know, I am very proud of the kind of parent you turned out to be.
You know what - so am I, under the circumstances.

 

by geocurly33
1-25-05
The only good reason to let her within 5 miles of me . . .
I'm back from Seattle! And we're looking at buying a house!! But we didn't cuz there's too much snow!!
She didn't mention my sister's engagement - she doesn't know I know . . . what is she up to?
And I want to come to see YOU!! Cuz your daughter's birthday is coming! And I will bring videotapes!!!
is to keep an eye on her.
So we'll come this Friday and stay in a hotel and see you and them, ok?
That sounds great!

 

by geocurly33
2-18-05
I quit my job! And bought a house! We are SOOOO happy! With my house!! And travel!!
Wait a minute - didn't you leave your last husband to pursue a career and find yourself? Because none of us would "let you" be more than a wife and mother?
Yes!
And now you've left that all behind to quit your job and become a housewife?
Goddamn right! Have you seen my NEW HOUSE ?!?!?! IT HAS A POND!!!

 

by geocurly33
3-17-05
Happy St. Patrick's Day! I am so proud of our Irish heritage!!
Irish? The only Irish you have in you is from the same side of your family that said the grandfather was the Lindbergh baby and that he'd be kidnapped by gypsies.
That's Irish!
. . .
Besides, my new husband said he'd take me to Ireland on a vacation! SO I'M IRISH!!! ERIN GO SOMETHING!!
And thus the snakes returned to that green shore.

 

by geocurly33
4-18-05
So I'm back from Ireland. I love Ireland! And guess what!?!? Everyone there thought I was Irish! Just like an Irish person!!
Going there wasn't enough - she had to assimilate them.
It was GREEN!! People were asking me for directions!! To places in Ireland!! Do you believe it!
No.
I can't wait until we go to China!! I love China!
She's picking off ancient cultures one by one . . .

 

by geocurly33
4-28-05
Her advice to my sister.
You need to have a baby!
And why is that?
Because of the CANCER!!! Cervical cancer!! I had it. YOU wil have it! You will lose your uterus! HAVE A BABY!!!!
Good God! What the hell?
Have you told your fiance' about my CANCER? ABOUT MY UTERUS?!?!
I think we'll wait until after the wedding before we spring that on him, thanks.

 

by geocurly33
6-04-05
This is one she brought up when I was in high school.
PUBIC HAIR! PUBIC HAIR!!! There's pubic hair in the soap! You people are DISGUSTING!
What are you talking about?
HAIRS. IN. THE. SOAP. IN. THE. BATHROOM!!!!!!! Pubic hairs!
Look - I for one have not been "abusing" the soap. Is it possible that these could be hairs from a person's head or something?
Are you calling me stupid? You think I don't know pubic hair? I KNOW pubic hair!! You have NO IDEA how much pubic hair I've seen in my day! Let me tell you . . .
Kill me now - or kill her now - but dear God let this conversation end RIGHT NOW. . .

 

by geocurly33
9-13-05
How my Mother freaks out a waitress.
Can I start you off with a drink before you order?
Yes, but prepare yourself! Prepare yourself for LAUGHTER!! Because we just had a service for my cremated mother! JUST NOW!
Uh, . . . ok, I'm, uh, sorry to hear that?
LAUGHTER!! Because that is what we do, we Irish people. When somebody dies WE LAUGH! LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH!! So get ready. For that.
So . . . something from the bar then?
Well, duh.

 

by geocurly33
9-29-05
Florida?! FLORIDA?? FLORIDA!!! Your sister is moving to FLORIDA?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AWAY THAT IS?!?
Uh, yes. Yes I do.
Why in the world would she up and move so far away from HER FAMILY?!? She appreciates family LIKE I APPRECIATE FAMILY! WHY, OH WHY?
Well, maybe, uh - to get away from . . . because you, uh, she . . .
It must be that new husband of hers.
**cough** Yup, that's got to be it.

 

by geocurly33
10-12-05
I would like you to bring your family to my house for Thanksgiving.
But we spend that holiday with my wife's folks - we've been doing it that way for 10 years.
But you don't UNDERSTAND! My new husband's first wife died a HORRIBLE DEATH right around a Thanksgiving! So his family doesn't celebrate it. HIDEOUS DEATH!!
Why would he want to celebrate it with us then?
. . . it's not that . . . well, he . . . I WANT THANKSGIVING!
Jesus, fine. I'll give you four hours on the day AFTER. No more. And it'll cost you at least two Chirstmases and all of your birthdays.

 

by geocurly33
10-26-05
This actually happened to me during a live performance of a play I was in years ago.
Mr. Geocurly? Mr. Geocurly 33?
Uh, yes officer?
I was about 25 years old, and was living with my fiance'. It was during the first intermission of a production of "Much Ado About Nothing."
Your mother called and asked that we find you right away.
Holy crap! Somebody died and I have to go on in minute!
It's true - I have witnesses.
She wanted you to know that it's snowing outside, and to ask you to drive safely tonight.
Thank you, officer. May I have your name? I'll be comitting a murder later, and it'll make turning myself in easier if I know whom to ask for.

 

by geocurly33
12-13-05
I know that you and your father have been arguing about putting him in a retirement home. I managed to persuade him to visit a few.
Uh huh.
I also persuaded him to come down for the holidays. I had to drive 16 hours to do it, but I think it was worth it.
Uh huh.
We had several long heart-to-heart talks during the drive, and I think he sees the wisdom of moving somewhere closer to us.
I KNEW I could get him to go along, I just knew it!! Who knew I could be so persuasive?!?!

 

by geocurly33
2-14-06
I want to buy your daughter an INCREDIBLY EXPENSIVE DOLL!!! She needs to come to Chicgo to pick it out.
While I appreciate the gesture, she doesn't need such a thing. But thanks for thinking of her.
When you get here the girls can go to the doll store and you and my third husband can go do guy stuff. It'll be GREAT!!!
Really - that's very thoughtful, I mean it. But we are not coming out all that way just to buy a toy. Thank you, but no thank you.
So how does this weekend sound? Or next weekend?? How about if we drive two states over to get you, then we all go back to my place together!!!!
How about you go back and read the first two panels of this thing? Jesus fucking Christ.

 

by geocurly33
5-03-06
Bringing me into the fold:
Here's an idea: don't tell you dad how much your tuition was - hit him up for a couple hundred extra. It'll be our secret.
Uh, . . . ok.
Bringing my sister into the fold:
Here's an idea: don't tell your dad about those speeding tickets. I'll pay them and intercept the insurance bill. It'll be our secret.
Uh, . . . ok.
A crinkle in the fold:
Here's an idea: send both your kids out to spend a week with me. They haven't really had a chance to get to know me.
Uh, . . . no.

 

by geocurly33
4-13-07
One month ago:
My elderly father and his near-death siblings are reuniting next month! You must bring your wife and kids!!! Before everyone dies!!!
That's a tough weekend; I may be able to come, but I don't know about bringing the rest . . .
Two weeks ago:
You MUST bring your kids to the reunion!! It's the ABSOLUTE last chance they'll have to see these people together! MUST! BEFORE THEY DIE!!
I'm doing what I can; it's just that we have commitments. I'll see what I can do.
Yesterday:
So, the weekend of the reunion, my third husband and I are going to a seminar on ponds. PONDS!! How cool is that? We may not make it to see the oldsters.
I don't make these comics anymore because I've run out of punchlines. All I've got left for her any more is - WTF??!

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