All comics by kudzu

Profile

 

by kudzu
7-07-03
Meet Heather
i luv my new LJ!
AKA: sucker4christ
i imagine myself in an online dream world w/ my new friends...
I am on Heather's "Friends List".
www.livejournal.com/~sucker4christ
i can go on + on about how wonderful i am, + all the while i just gain more readers + more fans!
Every day I long for the sweet release of death.

 

by kudzu
7-08-03
One day at a local Burger King...
Well well well if it isnt A-man-duh from school! i h8 u!
It's "Amanda." Um, do I know you?
Every1 knos me! i kno that u r a LESBIAN + like OTHER GIRLS!
Indeed, but it's women like you who make me reconsider for the refreshing apathy of men.
O ya? Well u think ur so big 4 being a vegitarian 2! Well u kno what? im Vegan from now on! What do u think of that?
Oh please... Am I supposed to one-up you by moving to Somalia and eating my own shadow? I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a sexy girlfriend who needs to be covered with EZ cheese. Goodbye!

 

by kudzu
7-08-03
At the salon...
Thanx 4 doing my hair, Lance! Say, do u think that maybe sometime we could go 2 the mall 2gether?
Th-weetheart, you know I love shopping for clothes! Anytime, honey! *giggle*
Thank u! Its a date then, DREAMBOAT! Peace out!
"DATE?" "DREAMBOAT?"
I sure hope she realizes that, though I've licked more dicks than Nixon's dog, I sure don't chase after pussy!

 

by kudzu
7-08-03
Meanwhile, in the dream-like world of online conversations and the imaginary adversaries that pixels can form, after an especially controvertial LiveJournal entry that Heather has made...
[Insert carefully-contrived, elaborately witty and snide comment here]
Whatever!
Strained voices mingle with Heather's indifferent reply...
Aha! I have you! When you say "Whatever," it automatically means that you agree that I am right in every way!
Whatever!
It's odd, the satisfaction that one feels from "winning an arguement" with an opponent who only repeats one dismissing word.
I win.
Whatever!

 

by kudzu
7-08-03
At the pet store...
Do u kno of a way that i could kill the birds outside my window? u c they chirp in the morning when im tring 2 sleep!
This is a pet store, not a supplier for fairy-tale villans! While you're at it, why don't you wear my grandmother's clothes, hide under a bridge and lure all the town's children away with their RATS!
RATS! Thats a great idea! Where do u keep ur rat poison?
Isle 6.

 

by kudzu
7-09-03
At the pet store...
Need any help, Heather?
Ya, do u sell Vegan cat food?
VEGAN cat food? What the hell? Cats are carnivores! As a highly trained pet store technician, I know what's best for your cat.
Then what do cats eat?
Umm... other cats?

 

by kudzu
7-09-03
At the pet store...
Hey daddy! Can i have a ferret?
Sure, honey! Whatever your little heart desires... What the hell is a ferret?
Oh for the love of... This thing looks like a rat that's gone through airport baggage handling.
But... its trendy!
Well, why didn't you just say so! Can we buy other pointless novelty pets such as dinosaurs, mermaids or hamsters?

 

by kudzu
7-09-03
At Heather's slumber party...
Whee! Slumber party!!! i luv all my friends!
I'm your friend. Yay. A friend.
Er, yeah so am I. Such a friend.
Um yeah. So when were you going to get to the part where you give us money and cigarettes for being here?

 

by kudzu
7-09-03
At Heather's father's party...
OMG! My dads friend Bruce is sooo HAWT!
Well, hello pretty lil' lady! How's about you sit on my lap and show me what a good girl you are! I might even show you the back seat of my fancy new car!
Old enough to pee; Old enough for me!
Excuse me sir, but that's my daughter you're talking about. Even consentual sex with a 15-year-old is statuatory rape!
WHAT? I never raped no statue! Oh wait, yer talkin' about our last get-together when I befouled yer hat rack aren't ya?

 

by kudzu
7-10-03
Once more, in the imaginary world of online conversations, posters still wage a war on Heather's online journal...
I hate you!
Whatever!
And I hate that you hate!
Whatever!
I'd tell Heather to note the hypocrisy, but she'd probably think I was talking about a government run by hippos. Her vocabulary is somewhat lacking.
And I hate that you hate that I hate that you hate!
Whatever!

 

by kudzu
7-10-03
At Bible Camp...
i h8 homos!
My child, you should not judge others. Does not the Bible say in Mat 7.1, "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
Chapter 7.15 thru 7.20 sez dat we should judge a tree by its fruit + dat, "every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire."
But, what does that have to do with anything?
Duh we r talkin about homos which r also called fruits!
Jesus, guide my hand well and true so that it slappeth not the feeble minded.

 

by kudzu
7-10-03
At Bible Camp...
Sunset already @ my 1st day o Bible Camp! Is there any swimmin pool here? Catering? Expresso stand?
Nope, but there's a lake, some fresh squirrel meat and water so thick with microbes that it resembles coffee.
Say, ur cute, will u b my b/f?
No, I'm asexual. But someone might be interested, since it's hard to find a private place to masturbate around here.
To be continued...
Kewlies! Where r all of them?
Come to the campfire to meet everybody...

 

by kudzu
7-10-03
At the Bible Camp campfire...
AAAAAAHHH! My fellow campers r non-whites! u r all uh... spics! Ya!
I'm not a spic! Shouldn't she be calling me a wop?
I'm not a spic! Shouldn't she be calling me a wog?
I'm not a spic! Shouldn't she be calling me a towl-head?
I'm a pimp! Shouldn't she be calling me tonight?

 

by kudzu
7-14-03
Its so goood 2 b back from Bible Camp! i wonder what my friends were up 2 while i was away?
/ring/
Wazap?
OMG! i <3 u + u r0x my s0x! u r 2 b a hawt grrrl! Total mall haul 4 realz d00d! Rawk! LOL STFU k? Thx bi!
Wow. Alota stuff happened while i was away.

 

by kudzu
7-16-03
Cult n. - A false religious sect that follows an uthoritarian, charismatic leader.
i wonder y my class voted me, Most Likely 2 Form A Cult? O well, i think i am gonna start my own internet Fan Club!
ERROR: Self-destruct sequence initiated. Ten seconds, and counting!
Ya! A Fan Club 4 all my Friends 2 follow my life + lead!

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