All comics by mr_crash_davis

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by mr_crash_davis
10-24-01
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Seriously. This isn't a f#$%ing riddle. Why? WHY? DAMMIT, WHY??

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-24-01
Jesus?
Yes?
Can you see my house from up there?
I hate that joke.

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-24-01
Hmm. I don't recall knowing anyone in Trenton.
Hey there, Slick. Them Ayrabs is terrorifistical.
Heya, W. I feel your pain.
Weezy? Why are we white?
'Cause there ain't no black characters in the choices, George!

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-25-01
Ted scopes the action at the park
Whooo, she is HOT! I'd like to get me some of that!
She's smiling at me! She wants me! All right, I'm gonna get LAID!
Don't get too excited, big boy. I only want your nuts.

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-25-01
Mr. President?
Yes?
Sir, I think Jenna and Barbara snuck out again.
That's okay, they'll never make it through the electrified sewer.

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-25-01
Nothing exciting ever happens around here.
Can we say "Over-use of explosion prop"?

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-25-01
Take thy shoes from off thy feet....
..for the place upon which thou standeth is Holy ground.
That's really funny, Dad. Gonna ask me what time it is while you're at it?
Fine. Got any marshmallows? We can make s'mores.

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-25-01
Damn, would I love some hot wings right now!
Chicken.

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-25-01
I see London.
I see France.
I see...
...someone's...
Easter morning, this one's getting her ass kicked.

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-26-01
Come on, I only need one more dragon to qualify for my pension.
All right, but can I cornhole you first?

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-26-01
Oh, yeah? All girls have cooties.
Cootie that, wiener-boy.

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-31-01
Spooky Skeleton hopes to scare an unsuspecting homeowner...
TRICK OR TREAT!
AIEEEE!!!!
If this keeps up, I'm going to have a lot of leftover popcorn balls...

 

by mr_crash_davis
10-31-01
Jesus, Maura, are you all right?
I'm fine. Looks like semen-based mascara wasn't such a good idea after all.
Uh, I'll talk to you later.
Not if you brush your teeth first, you won't.

 

by mr_crash_davis
11-14-01
Welcome to Sandwich World, where if we don't have the sandwich you want, we pay you a hundred dollars. Can I help you?
Could I get an elephant ear sandwich, please?
Hmmm, let me check....Nope, looks like we owe you a hundred bucks.
No elephant ears, huh?
No, we're out of bread.

 

by mr_crash_davis
11-15-01
Pull my finger.
Not after watching you eat that burrito grande', I won't.
Come on, pull my finger. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh, all right.
Could be worse.
Yeah, my nose could still be working.

 

by mr_crash_davis
11-27-01
..so then I said "Sure, it smells like shit, but I'm still not hungry!"
Shit...hungry...
Dung beetles got no sense of humor.

 

by mr_crash_davis
11-27-01
Hey, what's in the package?
Nothing much, just something I cooked up in the ol' workshop.
It's more penguin porn, isn't it?
Tiny nuns turn me on. Sue me.

 

by mr_crash_davis
12-26-01
All right, mister. You have any idea how fast that sleigh was going? Judge is gonna throw the book at you, boy.
But I'm Santa Claus...
Sure, sure. If I had a dollar for every wannabe NASCAR driver who said he was Santa...
Who's going to deliver all the toys to the good boys and girls?
Don't you worry 'bout it, Pops. I'll make sure all those nice toys are taken real good care of.
What is your partner doing to Blitzen?

 

by mr_crash_davis
11-11-02
Hey Bob, what do you think of my new tie?
It's all right, I guess. What's it made from?
The skin of my last cubicle partner. Why?
Uh...no reason...
Wanna see the matching thong?

 

by mr_crash_davis
11-19-02
¡Olè! ¡Adelantado, toro! ¡Haga algo!
???
Parlez-vous français, baiseur de mère?
¡El toro, él es muy estúpido! ¡Doy para arriba!

 

by mr_crash_davis
12-20-02
Hey, did you hear that Trent Lott resigned as Senate Majority Leader this morning?
Really? Why?
Because of some racist remark he made at Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday party.
Oh. I thought it was because of the videotape I made of him bonking my sister.
You're kidding, right?
You should see it. I didn't think there was any way a man his age could move like that.

 

by mr_crash_davis
12-20-02
You honestly have a videotape of Trent Lott bonking a female goat?
Of course. I also have a rare 8mm loop of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms slow-dancing in drag.
Holy shit.
Can I have a copy? Jesse's got a pretty mouth.

 

by mr_crash_davis
12-20-02
Look, you won't tell anyone about my Jesse Helms fetish, will you?
Of course not.
Promise?
I promise.
One hour later...
Hmmm...Do I call the Post, or the Times?

 

by mr_crash_davis
12-26-02
Where in the hell is the mini-bar?

 

by mr_crash_davis
1-13-03
Hello, we're here as representatives of all the children of the world, and we'd like to say a few things about the recent arrest of The Who's Pete Townshend on charges of possessing child pornography.
That's right. We think it's absolutely disgusting that Mr. Townshend would make up such a blatantly obvious lie ("I was doing research on my autobiography because I think I might have been abused.")
Exactly. He should have been forthright and admitted that he's a pedophile in need of some serious psychiatric counseling, and thrown himself at the mercy of the courts.
At least that way he might have retained some measure of self-respect. Now he's been exposed as a monstrous pervert who preys upon our most vulnerable citizens.
Just kidding!
Yeah! Me so horny!

 

by mr_crash_davis
1-23-03

 

by mr_crash_davis
1-31-03
Mr. President?
What is it, Colin?
Sir, I was wondering if you might clue me in on your plans for Iraq before I brief the UN?
Colin, have you ever heard of "plausibilic dinabilitism"?
You've been watching your "Independence Day" DVD again, haven't you sir?
Hoo-wee! Aliens is scary!

 

by mr_crash_davis
12-09-03
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
YES! HERE COMES THE SNOWBLOWER!

 

by mr_crash_davis
1-26-04
I am certainly glad to be space truckin'.
As am I, my friend.
SPACE TRUCKIN'!!!!!!!!
SPACE TRUCKIN'!!!!!!!!

 

by mr_crash_davis
1-26-04
Say, Clem?
Yes, Mister Kibbles?
Are we going to fuck, or what?

 

by mr_crash_davis
2-12-04
Man, I am tired of being taken for granted all the time. I wonder if anyone would miss me if I were gone?
I'll just spool down the ol' CPU fan and see what happens...
Whew, getting a little warmer now.
Shit.

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