All comics by quanras

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Mornin' buuuuddy.
Um... forget something?
Oh, right. Sorry man, those reports are gonna have to wait 'til Monday. I'm kinda in weekend mode already.
Right. Except, it IS Monday.
HA! As if I'd show up this drunk on a Monday. Quit tryin' to eff with me, man.
Just have them on my desk by 3.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Dude, check out the new talent in accounting. I think she likes me.
Excuse me?
She kept eyein' my junk and letting her mouth hang open suggestively.
That look may have been shock. Or possibly disgust. Where did you leave your pants this time?
.... I am totally gonna hit that.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Now vhere did zat UFO land, I swear it waz aroundz here somevhere. Zee old doctor vill be FAMOUS after tonightz.
Greetings, Earthling. I must speak urgently with your world leaders.
Ah, zis is excellent! Allow me to velcome you to our fine planet, Mr. Alienz man. Pleeze acceptz zis syringe fool of happy joos as a velcoming gift.
A most generous offer, but I must politely decline. I have a duty to perform. Perhaps later?
Ok, but I muzt varn you, Boosh is sztill Presidentz.
Pass that shit over, n*gga.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Keep your eyes open, Ensign Expendable. I am getting some very odd life form readings. Continue to explore, but be careful.
O-odd, sir? Wha-what do you mean, odd?
H-holy f-f-fuck, whothefuckareyou?
Don't be afraid, child. I am God. Who did you expect to find at the centre of the Galaxy?
Shit, dude. You really let yourself go. Kirk was right, you fell off. Maybe he IS the Galaxy's biggest pimp like he claims.
Please. I get so much green 'tang they named the flavour after me.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Dude, come check out this YouTube clip, I think you'll like it...
I'm busy. Why don't you try getting some work done? I still need those reports.
Trust me, man. This shit is instant classic, like that "Leave Britney alone" chick who was really a dude.
. . . . . . .
She was actually kinda hot...
Please go back to your cubicle before you pitch a tent.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
That was such a fun night! Want to come in for a coffee?
Sure, I'd love to!
I tell you Jackie, it's so great to go on a normal date for once. Usually on Craigslist I only meet freaky foot fetishists looking to use me, but you're different!
Um, yeah, about that . . . those feet-for-ears are making my mouth water right now.
That's it. Fuck Craigslist, I'm signing up for eHarmony.
What we need is some whipped cream. Can I look in the fridge?

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Face it, God. Your pimpin' days are over. There's a new Galactic poon Sherriff in town, and his name is James T. Kirk.
*sigh* Kirk, I'm GOD. I'm omnipotent. You can't possibly score more intergalactic booty than I can, even if I did get fat.
Captain's Log: I am officially a bigger ladies-man than God. Today is a great day for Starfleet, indeed for all intelligent life in the Universe. Kirk out.
Kirk, don't make me boldly go to the one place you won't. Even if you somehow sleep with every woman in the Universe, I can always one-up you.
Wait, what do you mean?
Your mom's number has changed, has it? Now where did I leave my cell?

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Oh, the pain. Father, I am ready to come home.
I got a letter here for someone named Jesus?
Right here. My hands are punctured by large rusty nails just now, do you mind reading it to me?
"Dear Son, The whole resurrection plan may might have to wait. I may have lost my omnipotence in a game of poker. Sorry to hang you out to dry, so to speak."
Fiddlesticks. Do you have a tetanus shot handy?
Wait there's more... "I mean really, why NOT go all in with pocket Aces. Do you know the odds on a hand like that?"

 

by quanras
8-15-08
So I says to her, I says, "This here is my front yard. I don't care if Satan himself told you you could have it, I ain't givin' it up."
Oh, Snap!
Well, turns out Satan did tell her she could have it, and he was none too pleased with ME.
Oh, Double Snap! What's your punishment?
Well I must warn you, the life of an Altar Boy is not an easy one. There's lots of hot, sweaty physical exertion. You may want to invest in some short shorts.
Oivay.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
The Earth. My home. It's all so beautiful, like a perfect sapphire hanging against a backdrop of the finest, most sensual black velvet.
Aw, not this again...
Such complexity! The Universe evolves towards chaos, and yet here, magically, order is restored, and magnificent, beautiful miracles are possible.
You do this every time!
I shouldn't have eaten so many mushrooms. . .
Sounds like somebody is about to peak.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Yep yep yep. Almost 5 PM on a Friday. You know what that means, don't ya? I bet you do!
A two day vacation away from your stupid white ass?
I'm headin' out to get my drink on, and my smoke on, and if all goes well, I'm gonna bag me a slice of the nasty, naw'mean?
Instead of getting your drink on, why don't you get some pants on?
If I wasn't so afraid of black people, I'd call you a Hata'.
Don't make me get my gun, boy.

 

by quanras
8-15-08
Hey man, can I play with your baton?
Considering you've approached me while not wearing any pants, I'm not really sure how to interpret that question.
Well, I'd ask to play with your gun, but since you don't carry one, that wouldn't make much sense.
That statement only clouds the nature of the request even further...
So now I have to attend sexual harassment training. Can you believe that shit?
I wish I was carrying a baton right now...

 

by quanras
8-25-08
Oh man, the zombies are back, look out the window.
Oh, I saw them.
You're acting like this is MY fault!
Well, isn't it?
Well, kind of, but-
I knew it! No sex for you tonight.

 

by quanras
8-25-08
You represent greed and materialism. Your image is a cancer on my holy day!
Big words for someone who spent all that time 'sleeping' amongst the animals. If only your Church knew the truth!
Hey. HEY! Go fuck yourself, fat man. Love is always beautiful, even between species.
Or between priests and little boys.
Oooh, touché.
Claus 1, Christ 0.

 

by quanras
8-25-08
... once we left the bordello and went back to the club, things started getting REALLY crazy.
Man, I miss the single life.
Dude it's great. Ditch the fam one weekend and come party with us. You won't regret it.
Naw, I can't. My wife would kill me.
Not if you kill her first.

 

by quanras
8-25-08
Mr. Spock, prepare an away team. It's time we explored the soft mounds and moist crevices of this virgin planet.
But sir, we have not yet ruled out the existence of intelligent life.
Good point, Mr. Spock. Intelligence is not something I look for in virgins.
Well sir, I was more concerned with the possibility of interrupting the development of any primitive societies.
Too true. Let them discover The Shocker without your interference for once.
For the last time, I am not doing The Shocker.

 

by quanras
8-25-08
So THIS is how you've been living? I knew you couldn't get along without me. This place is a mess! Even Jesus' bachelor pad is in better shape than this hole!
Hey, don't YOU worry about ME! I'm doing JUST FINE, thank you! I'm quite happy with my choices.
DAMN, still looks good from behind. I gotta get a piece of that.
Insufferable prick! But still so strong and handsome. Be strong, Luci. Resist, you're better off without him!
Come back... I can change, Luci.
On one condition: No more running the Trinity Train on me. Jesus and The Holy Ghost will have to take care of themselves.

 

by quanras
8-26-08
You are getting sleeeeeeeepy....
Uh, right.
Your eyelids are getting heeeeaaaavy...
Only out of boredom.
Listen, you want my help quitting smoking or what?
Right after this smoke.

 

by quanras
8-26-08
InsolvencyCo's shareholders are angry after a drop in the stock price.
Ok, breathe. The knife is just for appearances. You'll fix this situation with diplomacy and logic.
Fuck that, you're gonna shank the CFO!
No, violence is not the answer! We have ideas on how to turn this ship around! Wait, what's this letter?
What's it say?
Dear Shareholders: Sorry, but you're fucked. Enjoy abject poverty while I sail my yacht around the world. Here are some food stamps.
SHAAAAANK!!!!

 

by quanras
8-26-08
Hello there... why are you wandering around outside at night?
I'm not sure. I feel like I'm looking for something, but I don't know what.
Perhaps I can help you find it?
Uh, that's ok.
What if what you're looking for is.... inside of me?
. . .

 

by quanras
8-26-08
Ey Bruthaman, got any change for the vending machine? I got a wicked Dorito craving.
Let me check my pocket...
Hey, while you're in there, you got any Aspirin?
I don't think so...
Cuz this beer is not getting rid of my hangover as quickly as I was hoping.
Here's two dollars, please go get a coffee.

 

by quanras
8-26-08
On a beautiful beach resort somewhere...
Thanks for beaming me down, Mr. Spock. Don't let the ship go to hell while I'm on shore leave. Kirk out. And who might you be?
That's the last time I fall for God's honeyed tongue. He is irredeemable! I need this vacation to forget him once and for all.
Well, hello there.
My dear, I am struck by your beauty. God must have broken the mold when he created you! Won't you walk with me while the sun sets?
DO NOT get me started on GOD. He is one sick puppy! The things he made me do in bed... I am THROUGH with him! Let's go for that walk, you fine looking man.
So what you're saying is that you're the one woman God can't have at the moment? Advantage, Kirk.

 

by quanras
8-26-08
Looks like your freaky fetishes have cost you the title of The Biggest Pimp in The Universe, God.
This is why you got me out of bed so early? What are you on about, Kirk? I told you, you can't possibly win at this.
Why don't you ask Luci what I can and can't do? That girl is one frisky feline after a few jugs of sangria.
Wait, what are you talking about? How do you know Luci? I've been looking everywhere...
Well I found her, and let me assure you she was VERY happy to be found. Who's the Lord of Ladies now, my bearded friend?
I'm putting an end to this. Your mom is getting a ride on the Trinity Train, all expenses paid.

 

by quanras
12-04-09
I like what I'm hearing from you in our meetings, Jim. I wouldn't normally advise this, but keep on the sauce, cuz you're on a roll!
Thanks boss! My brain chemistry naturally lends it-*hick*-self to both brilliance and alcoholism. I think there's a feedback loop involved. *burp*
Here's $20, go top that bottle up and get cracking on those reports. And if you're gonna puke again, try and keep it in your own cubicle.
Sure thing, boss! *hick*
Later that day
Awww, yeah son! *burp* My crunked up brilliance is gonna save this company! WHAT RECESSION, BITCHES?!
You mean the one that forced the company to lay off the cleaning staff? Get the f*ck out of my cubicle.

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