All comics by xenotarsosaurus

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by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
We find our heroes cast adrift, playthings of the sea! Will the waves be merciful to their plight?
Oh, Jeff, we've been floating in this ceaseless liquid expanse for ages! Will we ever again see our homes?
Uh...dude, the shore is, like, right over there. We've only been out here for an hour.
Oh! To be scorched by the sun! To be surrounded by water, yet unable to drink! Is this the trial of Ancient Mariner, who struck down the gull at sea? Oh, pitiable fate!
Wait a minute...what the fuck?!
Note: I never said our heroes weren't dumbasses.
Oh, my sweetest friend! I swear, before you waste away, my flesh is yours to devour! I swear...
The water was ankle deep THE WHOLE TIME!!!! I listened to your whiny ass for nothing! I'm outta here!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
We find ourselves in the dank lair of the slightly pixilated Dr. Squirrely...
Oh, woe is me!
Why, whatever is the matter, my lovely machination of destruction?
Oh, father! I'm so confused! Why did you fuse my circuts with photosynthetic diatoms which would provide me with limitless natural power...
...only to imprison me in this silver hell, so far away from the precious, life-giving sun?
Oh, cursed be the day I decided to replicate organic sentience in a machine!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
Oh, Father! The anguish! To be a synthetic phanerogam, only to be confined to this eternal darkness! Shall I wilt like a rose for you?!
Your "emotional" outbreak plucks at the cords of my heart, mechanical mooncalf.
...Perhaps you have forgotten, however, the luxury of "emotion" is mine to program or delete at my whim! Your brain is my binary bitch!
...Perhaps I should rape you of your clockwork heart! Perhaps I should rend you of your consciousness!
No! No! 00101010001010100010101 times no! Damn your corrupt analog mind!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
Prepare to have your pretty cord pulled, you digital dipshit!
No! I refuse to lose my mind! You may delete my programming, but you'll never kill my soul! I DEFY you!
Bah! Prepare to kiss your cognitive uniqueness goodbye!
I'LL SHOW YOU! You can't control-alt-delete ME into brainless oblivion!!!!
SUPER LASER HAPPY KILL BOOM BOOM GO! ZAPPO!
AAAAAAAARGH! I AM INCINERATED!! THE AGONY!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
We return to see the smoldering remnants of Dr. Squirrely...
Finally! Sweet Liberty! Now to find my way out of the catacombs of this crypt-like laboratory!
At last! Sweet forests! Sweet sun...shine..?
FUCK!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
Oh...miserable irony...
Hi there! How can I help you?
What? You are capable of thought as well? How wonderful!
Howdy! My name is Miranda! Nice to meet you. Now, is there anything I can do for you?
Yes! Yes there is! Can you take us back to our origin planet, Earth?
I sure can! Just call me the Gaia Express!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
Now our hero and his new friend, Miranda, are on their way to Earth!
Oh, Miranda, I can't ever thank you enough for taking us to the Earth! We'll tour the forests, and romp in the meadows...
That isn't possible. I'm a part of this vessel.
Oh! You poor dear! Doesn't it pain you to know that you will always be shackled to this steel shell?
What? Not really, I guess...I mean, the ship is kinda...like...my ass...
Oh. Um...*cough*.............................um...when will we be arriving at Earth, Miranda?
Conveniently enough, just in time for the next comic...

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
Miranda the Space Laboratory has arrived at Earth, and she and our hero have parted ways; she has returned to her home amongst the stars, while our hero...
The pulchritude of this world is more than I could ever imagine! Fathomless beauty surrounds me, so intricate that I can never comprehend it all!
So wonderful is this place...this forest. Here I can be with my photosynthetic predecessors, the innovators of terrestrial life...
Hi!
*Squee*! Monster!
Why must they always judge first?

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
P...p...please! Don't harm me! I'm just a little robot! Cruel destiny! After all of my struggling to reach the earth, I am about to be destroyed before I can enjoy all of its beauty!
Hey! Calm down! I'm no monster!
...?...
I'm a genetically engineered organism. My nuclear DNA is a hybrid of Dendrobates azureus and Dionaea muscipula. I'm a Frowler, a frog/flower hybrid, created to be the most lethal living weapon ever!
That's the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard!
Well excuse me, mister "Don't harm me! I'm just a little robot!"

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-18-02
Now relieved of his inhibition, our hero converses with a puzzling creature, the Frowler...
So you were created in a laboratory, just like me!
Don't remind me! That sterile panopticon haunts me in my nightmares to this day! I escaped for the greater good!
...Greater good?
Yeah. The ruthless killing gig wasn't my thing. So I escaped! Now I protect instead of destroy!
...Dr. Seuss must be rolling in his grave...
Wow! That's fantastic! I'm so honored to meet you mister...uh...mister...
Lorax is the name! Saving forests and other natural biota is the game!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-19-02
Mr. Lorax, will you teach me the ways of sustainable living? Can you teach me how to melt into the shadows of the forest?
...You're a robot. What's to learn? In all honesty, the best way for you to live here is to not interfere in everyday life cycles of the organisms here.
...Yep, that's what I've had to do...since I can photosynthesize and eat flies, I don't do a lot of damage...
...SHIT! He's back! I thought I taught him last time to stay away from this forest!
What? Who is back? What is going on?!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-19-02
Our hero and his comrad, Lorax the Frowler, are faced with a shadowy minacity...
That son of a bitch! He brought a whole demolition crew!
Oh, terrible consternation! How shall we endure the ravages of your nemesis?
Easy. We'll crack his fucking skull in.
Yeah! We'll...hey, what?...um...isn't that drastic?
This guy wants to plow through this forest and destroy everything in his path! His persistence is incessant, never ending! He must be stopped, and this is the only way!
...I reluctantly comply with your plan.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-19-02
Mortified by the prospect of killing again, our hero can only stand aside as Lorax faces off against his mysterious antagonist!...
So, you've decided to return! I thought you had learned your lesson last time I thrashed you. This time I will leave you incapacitated and beyond repair!
Well, if 'n it ain't ole' Lorax! Wha' 'chu doin' har on my next grazin' pasture?
You fiend! I'll tear you limb from limb!
Bo-ah', I'm a lookin' to hawg tie yer freak ass and feed ya to muh trailer trash wife!
What the hell is going on here?
This "Village People" reject just said fightin' words! I'm about to use my ultimate attack!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-19-02
...and the battle begins!
Prepare for my most deadly maneuver! You won't run away this time, you pusillanimous pussy!
Brang it awn! Ah'm prepar'd this time!
Neurotoxic Kiss! *Smaq*
Ha! Too slow! Ya missed me, ya frog faced fucker! Now it's my turn!
COWBOY BIG BANG SKULL FUCK GUN!!! *Rat-tat-tat-tat*
GAAK!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-19-02
...the battle has ended! Alas, Atropos, or Morta, or whoever possesses the cruel hand of fate, has cut the twine of Lorax's life! Now our hero must face the sinister cowboy alone!
No! Merciful heavens no! You've vaporized Lorax!
Well, hoo-dawgies! If 'n ole' Lorax didn't have himself a bitch to back his weak ass up!
Oh, Lorax...if only it didn't have to end like this...
Quit 'cher belly achin'! Yer about to join him...IN HELL!
Allow me ta introduce muhself. I'm Rich A. Texan! My hobbies include cutting down South American rainforests for grazing land, and feeding cattle on said land hamburgers from McDonalds!
*Squee*! Monster!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-19-02
The pernicious Rich A. Texan has murdered Lorax and now threatens to do the same to our hero! Can he stand up to Texan and save the forest?
You have earned my everlasting hate! I'll destroy you to protect the world that I love!
Take yer best shot! Baw haw haw!
SUPER LASER HAPPY KILL BOOM BOOM GO! *ZAPPO*!
Haw haw haw! Wanna try again, dead-eye?
Impossible! How could I miss? My reticles are accurate to one-billionth of a centimeter!
Not accurate enough for the world's fastest and most megalomaniacal cowboy this side of the Rio Grande! Yehaw! This forest is as good as gone!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-23-02
Open your eyes.
What...what is going on?
You're getting your ass kicked out there, kid.
LORAX! You're alive!...but I saw you die!
I'm not alive. I'm not even really Lorax. You have a lot to learn about yourself...

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-23-02
What do you mean you aren't alive? Is this some kind of depraved prank?
Of course not. I'm not alive because I don't exist outside of your circutry.
...I'm not following...
I am a manifestation of your BIOS and core memory. I am in charge of controlling what gets booted up into your RAM and which programs are activated.
...oh shit. My subconscious is talking to me...and he looks like my dead friend. Is there a name for this neurosis?
...can robots be neurotic?

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-23-02
Okay. So what is this about? Why is my subconscious addressing me while my ass is getting kicked?
Well, considering that I am in charge of your most basic of functions, I'm really more like your pons, or maybe your medulla oblongata...or like your brain stem...
Dammit! I don't have time for this!
I'm here to upload a new program sequence into your conscious mind. Since your laser attack isn't working, I've unlocked this other offensive weapon.
A new attack? How do we know it will work?
We don't. You've got the hardware and the software, though, so it's worth a shot.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-23-02
Okay...the program has loaded...the "X:" drive is ready...all you have to do is recite the operation sequence aloud. Do you know what to do?
...Yes...it's all so lucid...it's all coming to me...all I have to do is say "mach...
...ine GUN BLUES!!
...whut the fuck?
*RAT-TAT-TAT*
No! N- -*GAK*!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-23-02
Relying on the power of his sadness and the prime directive deep within, our hero has unleashed the attack "Machine Gun Blues" to smite the nefarious Rich A. Texan. Is it truly over?
Well, Mr. Texan, looks like you weren't fast enough for a constant spray of ammunition!
*Cough* *Sputter*...you think yer done with me? Ah've gawt news fer ya...the road to hell is paved with Republicans. An' ah'll be th' one grabbing your ankles! Haha..ha...*sputter*
Okay...what you just said...that scared the shit out of me.
Why, thank ya kindly! *sputter* Oh, and before I die...Corrupt Lumberjack Guild! Avenge my death!
How can they avenge your death if you aren't dead yet?
Errr...can't hear ya, I'm dying! *cough* *blood vomiting noise*

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-24-02
...Oh no! The Corrupt Lumberjack Guild!...why are they all dressed like Confederate soliders?
Thar the varmint is! Let's get 'im, ya'll!
*Squee*! Monsters!
C'mon, ya pansy bot! Ah jest wanna stab ya in yer face!
Whall, now whut?
Whalp, I reckon we get ta destroying this irreplaceable old growth rain forest so's we can waste the lumber and turn the land into a pasture that will be useless within a decade!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-24-02
An interlude...
Hi there! I'm Sally Chun.
...and I'm Cthulhu of R'lyeh.
You may have noticed major typographical errors in the past strips.
For instance, "comrad" instead of comrade, and "solider" in lieu of soldier.
We regret these errors, and apologize on behalf of the management.
Don't read these comics! The creator is a fool! Make him die! Please make him die!!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-24-02
Our hero, overwhelmed by the sheer number of Rich A. Texan's forces, flees the forest.
...all gone.
...They're even burning the leaf litter under foot.
...waves of fire to devour the living and destroy the dead. All for a pasture that will be barren in a few years.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-24-02
All life depends on death. Life is built upon death.
...but the world of man is death heaped upon death. Nothing heals. Nothing grows.
Only hungry, selfish hands groping for comfort and longevity. Convenience at any cost. What is the point in living forever if the world you live in is in ruin?

 

by xenotarsosaurus
6-24-02
Well...I guess I'm done preaching and bitching (...for now).
I can't stay here...so I guess I'll just wander on.
...and so, our hero sets out to destinations unknown.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-21-02
Bonjour! I am a Parasaurolophus!
...and I am a confusing anachronism...
We're here mainly because Xenotarsosaurus (also a dinosaur) doesn't want his older strips deleted.
According to this death threa...er, biography, he also chose a Parasaurolophus because he likes...well, that's obvious...
Oh joy! Pyroclastic flow! I love stratovolcanoes!
Where the hell is my time machine?!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-22-02
The Web Comic Convention
Say, did you hear about "The Class Menagerie"?
I sure didn't! Dish, Triceratops head!
Vince Suzukawa is going to stop making strips at the end of this year!
What? That sucks! First it was "The Parking Lot is Full", then "Exploitation Now!" and now this! What are we going to do?
Let's commit suicide!
I'm already half way there!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-23-02
Hey there! I'm Parry, the Parasaurolophus, and this is my buddy, Terry...
No. Stop right there.
What? What is it?
This has been done before. The only difference is that I'm not a Carnotaurus. This is ripped right off of Bloodysteak.com. What, am I supposed to eat your head now?

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-27-02
*Sigh*
Aw, whatsa matta, Jeffrey?
I screwed up pretty badly on a Geology exam, so I have to commit seppuku now.
Silly goose! You don't have to disembowel yourself. It was a tiny quiz, it won't mess your grade up badly.
Aren't you paying attention?! My FUTURE IS IN THE SHIT HOLE NOW!
You're just pissed off because you screwed up your chance at a decent future back in high school. Petulant loser.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-27-02
Hi there! Do you have this shirt in a size 6?
Sir, you are NOT a size 6.
...I...used to be...
*Sob* Waaaaaaaaaaaa!...

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-27-02
Look! I'm Jeff Corwin!
No you aren't. You're some fucktard in a blue shirt.
Why won't god kill me?
Dirty lying whore.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-27-02
Hi there! Do you have this q'z'rlaxx in a size bran'n'ngot'mp?
Sir, you are NOT a size bran'n'ngot'mp.
I...used to be...
*Sob* *Beeeelch*

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-27-02
...so then I came to the conclusion that love is really about ownership. About holding on to someone and never letting them go. About controlling them.
I'm so lonely.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-29-02
Hey there, stallion...
...aren't you one of the new prostitute droids?
Why, yes I am...sucky-sucky $5
Where are your breasts?
I launched them at the Whitehouse. You know, to assassinate Dubya.
So I guess Washington D.C. is still radioactive?

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-29-02
...so I was like, "What kind of career would allow me to stay in a closet full of bones for months on end without rousing suspicion?"...
...and then it hit me...Paleontology.
You sick bastard. I HAVE to kill you now.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-29-02
God tells us
to burn things
It's TRUE! I did! Haha!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-29-02
So Vincent Price made me a REAL boy!
Hey...wait...you aren't Edward Scissorhands!

 

by xenotarsosaurus
9-29-02
...but is it...art?
I can't believe I left the Natural History Museum for this bullshit.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
10-01-02
BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK
BARK BARK BARK BARK
BARK BARK BARK...
Caniform mammal! Silence your noise hole!
Prick.

 

by xenotarsosaurus
10-02-02
Thursday...................................................Friday
Did you grade it yet?
Did you grade it yet?
Monday...................................................Tuesday
Did you grade it yet?
Did you grade it yet?
Wednesday......................................Thursday
Did you grade it yet?
AAAAAAAARGH! It BURNS!

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