All comics by Kr0n1c

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by Kr0n1c
6-25-04
Well let me count my drawer make sure I aint short and shit....$1, $2, $3 ... whats this? Canadian nickles?Jesus Christ again.
JESUS CHRIST!! Its really you!! YES!! Score!! So like I get three wishes now right?
Yeah its me kid so... Huh??... Wishes? Um Im Jesus... you know savior, messiah, "died for your sins".
For my first wish I want a pony. Than a banana and jar of vaseline than blah blah blah....
Look kid. Im not a gennie. Im your personal Lord and Savior. So if you got any Lepors, hungry masses, demons needing to be cast into swine etc etc.

 

by Kr0n1c
6-25-04
So I dont get 3 wishes?
Nope. Just everlasting life in paradise where my fathers heavenly host will sing of his praises for all of eternity.
What if I scratch the pony and get a bike instead?
JESUS CHRIST!

 

by Kr0n1c
6-25-04
You know maybe I should just stick with the pony. Ponys are fun!! He he he.
What about a sick uncle? You got one of those? I can heal people and stuff. Come on hurry up. I got a barmezfah to go to.
Well my palms are hairy and I am going blind in one eye. Could you fix that?
Sure. No problem. Behold the miracles of the one true lamb in all his glory!! Go go gadget cross!!
AAAAWWWW. IT BURNS!!! WHHHYYY!! WHHHYYY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!!
CRAP!! (Dammit Moses I told you premium only) Ok Ok um... PRESTO CHANGO!!

 

by Kr0n1c
6-25-04
Come on cross dont fail me now.
What whats wrong?
EEEEEEKKKKKK!!!! Um nothing. Everythings perfectly fine.
Look. I know somethings wrong cause I can smell my feet with my ears. And thats just not right.
Your right your an abomination now. Hmmm. Ok one more try.

 

by Kr0n1c
6-25-04
If this doesnt work Moses so help me God Im gonna...
Dam my hands hurt.

 

by Kr0n1c
6-25-04
There you go good as new. Ok im off.
Wait I dont feel right.
Moral of story: Stick with the pony.
Thats why Im a buhdist.
I heard that.

 

by Kr0n1c
6-25-04
Cmon my feat hurt... I mean ears... hands I mean hands.
Ok ok...
YAY!! Im a pony!
YIPPIE!!

 

by Kr0n1c
6-28-04
Due to heavy campaining this time of the month Bush was not able to receive Dick at this weeks convention.
Huh?
Tho disapointed Dick was pleased to be received openly by Colon in Bushes place.
Bush, Dick, Colin...*horny*... I dont know if this is The Republican National Convention or a porno buuuut... either way im wacking off.
One minute later...
Rice came to the rescue of Colin and Dick when The Bush Administrations handling of Iraq came under fire by the Democrats.
Rice, Dick, Colin...*hungry*...I dont know if this is CNN or The Food Network buuuut... either way im wacking off.

 

by Kr0n1c
6-28-04
Welcome to Slarby's. What can I do you for.
Yes hello my infedil friend. I would like for me please 1 pork Slarby-Q with extra pork and American cheez. Also an order of freedom fries.
Ok so... Wait a minute! Your that Bin Laden guy! Im not serving you shit. Besides your muslim your not supose to eat pork.
Im not supose to fuck goats either but do you see that stoping me?
HA HA! Holy flying shit! Thats funny! Well from one goat fucker to another I salute you! Let me go get your food... he he he...goats.
Ha! My superior turban protected brain has out smarted you my stupid Crusader friend. I dont fuck goats I fuck Camels! Score one for the jihad!

 

by Kr0n1c
6-28-04
Yeah I think your pretty and fun and um well... what im trying to say is when Im around you I feel all vulnerable and shit... like a virgin on prom night. What do have to say to that?
I can pee standing up.
I knew you were keeper!

 

by Kr0n1c
6-28-04
.....
Nice oil...
Fuck off...
Yeah well he was a evil dictator any way..
How many terrorist does it take to screw a bulb...
Weapons of mass destruction huh...
Impeachment...

 

by Kr0n1c
6-29-04
Hey man remember that time back in 68 when we dropped all that fucking acid man?
*Hendrix Blaring In The Background*
oH MY gOD IM TRIPPING. oH MY gOD iM TRIPPING. Oh My goD iM TRippiNG. I can hear my heart man. I CAN HEAR MY FUCKING HEART!!!
I can feel the colors.
Um... yeaaaah... good times... except for the fact that Im only 18 and I've never met you before. But other than that good times.
Yeah man good times man. Good FUCKING times.

 

by Kr0n1c
6-29-04
What I learned in college...
...thats when I realized that after enjecting coffee grinds mixed with Mountain Dew between your toes while doing a RedBull enema...you dont need sleep!
Giving till it hurts...
Im sorry but putting old foodstamps and expired pizza coupons in the offering tray is not the churches idea of giving back.
Recieving till it hurts...
So let me get this straight. The reason I been feeling tired and dizzy is because Im suffering from a vitamin defiency?
Yes. Dont think of me as only your docter but also as your local neighborhood Protein Propaganda Nazi. Now bend over BITCH!

 

by Kr0n1c
6-30-04
Your now entering the "No Win" zone...
Seperating church and state or personal war against christiananity. Today in our talking points memo Miss Jane Lee explaining the ACLU's mobolizing against God.
You see... well Bill we are not mobolizing against...
Shutup you stupid idiot... no one wants to hear your anti-christian jihad ideology... you dumb communist whore. Ok next up we got controversal documentry director Michael Moore.
Bill. I know you dont agree with my views but if you would give me the chance to...
Shutup.
Im sorry? What was that?

 

by Kr0n1c
6-30-04
Nothing.
Um...ok. Well what Im trying to say with this documentry is...
Shutup.
You said something. I just heard you.
I didnt say anything. Im fair and balanced. Go right ahead.
This film...

 

by Kr0n1c
6-30-04
Shutup.
GOD DAMMIT BILL!!! YOU FILTHY SON OF A...
Shutup you fat idiot nobody believes your nazi propaganda idiology. Moving right along. Up next is gangsta rapper Ludacriss. Ludacriss isnt "gangster rap" poisoning kids minds and detiorating society.
HEll naw! You see Bill...
Shutup you goldtooth wearing, forty drinking, gangster rap idiology teaching bastard.
You see thats why you put your guest in a different room than you cause you know they would reach across that table and ring your lil punk ass...

 

by Kr0n1c
6-30-04
*Cut his mic..can.. can you cut Luda's mic pleez...thank you* For our final guest we have Hilary clinton here to dicuss her husbands new book. The mics yours Ms. Clinton.
Go right ahead. The floors all yours.
But... but if I talk your gonna cut me off, call me an idiot, than at some point use the word "ideology".
No I wont.
Honest?

 

by Kr0n1c
6-30-04
Honest as I am fair and balanced.
Well...ok. The new book is about...
Shutup you stupid idiot. Shutup, shutup, shutup, ideology aaaaannnnnddddd shutup.
God hes sexy.
Moral of the story: Kr0n1c always forgets to properly number his comics and he cant spell and hes stupid and a dumbhead.shutup. The End.
Ok time for the most ridiculous item of the day. Me! And also the fact that I have fans or people believe that Im an independant when actualy Im a republican in desguise. Goodnight America and shutup.
*Psst* Bill. Its me Fox. Its time to renew your contract.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-01-04
Looks like its gonna rain. Ill just step into this Catholic church till the storm passes.
Oh hello father. Im just stepping in out of the rain for a sec. Hope you don't mind.
Well...that could've gone better.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-01-04
HeY bilLy! yAlL WanNa gO "sNipE HunTiN"?*BURP*
Sure cousin Jed.
You gOtTa wATch oUt their QuICk liL FellErs!*BURP*
I know Jeds my cousin and all but... dam rednecks are dumb!
Three weeks later...
Well...that could've gone better.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-02-04
BEHOLD! I AM THE GREAT WIRTHLING FROM THE 13TH DIMENSION! GAZE UPON ME AND ALL ME GLORIOUS POWER!
I thought if I ignored it it would go away.I didnt gaze upon that floating head when it first apeared a week ago what makes it think Im gonna gaze upon it now?

 

by Kr0n1c
7-02-04
BEHOLD! I AM NOT A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION! I AM THE GREAT WIRTHLING...*interupted*
Yeah yeah... IM THE GREAT WIRTHLING! IM A FLOATING HEAD BLAH BLAH BLAH... I get it all ready sheesh. Im still gonna ignore you.
Jackass.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-02-04
I SHAKE THE HEAVENS WITH MY GLORY! BEHOLD ME IN ALL MY INFINATE POWER!
Yeah yeah yeah... look at me im a floating fucking head! Its always about you! You ever think about someone else once in a while?
Gee... Im sorry. Well... how was your day?
It was good I closed the Preston Acount.
Yeah thats great. I know you been working hard on it
Yeah I was thanks.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-02-04
BEHOLD!
DAMMIT! With this fucking floating head following me around I havent been able to get any action. Im just gonna turn out the light and...
*thwap...thwap...thwap...thwap..thwap..thwap.thwapthwapthwap!!*
I hope you know Im telepathic and I can see in the dark.
FUCK!

 

by Kr0n1c
7-03-04
A THOUNDSAND ANGELS SING OF MY GLORY! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE OMNIPOTENT WIRTHLING FROM THE 13TH DIMENSION!
Yeah yeah I heard it before. IM THE WIRHTLING WOOPETY FUCKING DOO. BOW DOWN BEFOR POOPETY POOPY POO.
You know what I dont have to take this shit. Im out!
Good! Who needs you!
One minute later.
*Sniff* I miss him!

 

by Kr0n1c
7-03-04
Five minutes later...
Hey. Fancy meeting you here. Hows it going?
Yeah fancy running into you in my own apartment. Yeah so hows things?
Im good. Found A new mortal to follow around. And you?
Im great.
We had some good times huh?
Yeah *sniff* good times.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-03-04
Oh... he was a terrible mortal! He didnt ignore me or anything. Lets be friends please!
Lets never fight again!
Moral of the story: You can lead a horse to water but you cant teach a new dog old tricks. The End.
Behold... *interrupted*
Shutup.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-03-04
So you gonna order something or is it time for more imaginary acid flashbacks?
You remember that time we dropped two sheets of acid than picketed in front of the white house man?
Fuck Charlie! Bring home our troops!
War is bad man!
* Back in Kack! #12
Look, I told you before*. Ive never met you. Besides I dont have feet for ears.
Yeah man! We realy stuck it to the man that time um... man.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-05-04
John tracked down the mysterious man to a old motel outside of town hoping to put this whole thing to an end and find out what happened to his missing bride.
Ive got him.
Shit. How did you find me?
I've been following you for days. Wheres Jane? If you hurt her so help me God...
Dont worry Jane is fine. Shes here. I... well I think I just better show you. Let me go to the bathroom. wait here.
Dont try anything funny.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-05-04
15 minutes later...
John...
Jane! Your ok! Wheres that guy at? Im gonna teach him a listen.
Look. John, theres something I have to tell you. You see me and the mysterious man we are... the same person.
What? You mean like twins.
No. Im a... Im a transexual.
A WHAT? But you cant... what about that night we... vagina... Huh?

 

by Kr0n1c
7-05-04
Look I know its a lot to 'take in all at once'. Take a minute to 'swallow' the whole thing and Ill understand if you just wanna 'fuckit' and call the wedding off.
So confused...
And they lived happily ever after. The End.
You wanna make out?
Ok.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-05-04
'thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap
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thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap'

 

by Kr0n1c
7-05-04
HA HA! Lookit the horse face on that ugly fucking old skanky fag-hag!
*GASP* NOBODY talks to Zelda, Queen of the Gypsies like that! NOBODY!
Boy, are you in for it! She'll probably put a curse on you or something!
Ahh, BALONEY! What could possibly happen?
Later that night we find our hero alone when he makes a terrifying discovery...
*thwap thwap thwap*Yeah whos your Daddy BITCH! WHOS YOUR FUCKING DADDY!*thwap thwap thwap*... wait a minute... Im blind. OH MY GOD IM FUCKING BLIND. NOOOO!!! DAM YOU ZELDA!!! DAAMMM YYYOOOUUU!!!
Oh wait a minute. I have the lights out! Heh heh heh oh man. Now where was I? *thwap thwap thwap* Oh my God! *thwap thwap thwapthwapthwapthwap* OH SHIT! YES! YES! *POOT* YYYEEESSS!!! *SPLOOGE*

 

by Kr0n1c
7-05-04
Later that night...
*thwap thwap thwap thwap thwap*

 

by Kr0n1c
7-07-04
Did you go pay the bills or have you been procrastinating again?
Yeah I paid them.
No you haven't because you haven't even left the house.
Ok ok I'll go pay them...sheesh.
Five minutes later upstairs in a dark room.
*thwap-thwap-thwap*

 

by Kr0n1c
7-07-04
Did you go pay the bills or have you been masturbating again?
What? Huh? NO! I wackked off... I mean paid them off.
Look. If your not gonna go pay them just give me the money and I'll go do it.
No. I'll do it. I swear.
Five minutes later upstairs in a dark room.
*thwap-thwap-thwap* Tell me to pay the bills! *thwap-thwap-thwap* I'll show you who pays the dam bills around here! *thwap-thwap-thwap*

 

by Kr0n1c
7-07-04
What were you doing up there?
Um... I was paying the bills. On the internet. Yeah thats it! On the internet!
Gimme the dam money! Im gonna go pay the bills you perv. First let me go upstairs and get my coat.
WAHHH!!! COCKBLOCKER!!! WAHHH!!!
Upstairs in a dark room...
*BZZZZ* Dam idiot boyfriend! *BZZZZ* I'll show you how to pay the fucking bills! *BZZZZ* Just like that! *BZZZZ* The bills are paid BITCH! *BZZZZ*

 

by Kr0n1c
7-08-04
Jesus De Ortega the III
!Aya Caramba!

 

by Kr0n1c
7-08-04
What say you we go and have us a bit of tea?
Splendid idea I do say. Let me just... oh seems we have locked ourselfs inside the lab again.
Hmmm. Boingo and Jimbo do seem to be missing too I might add.
Oh those little rapscallians! I can see them thru the lab window. Perhaps if we just yell to them... Jimbo! Boingo! Be a good couple of lads and do go fetch us some help!
Outside the lab.
They locked themselfs out again.
Really. Again?

 

by Kr0n1c
7-08-04
Fuck em. Theres a party at the Neverland Ranch anyways.
Kool.
Well it seems they have gone to fetch some help. I do hope they don't get lost.
Not to worry old boy. These are the most brilliant cimps in the world! We have spent millions of dollars and the last 60 years cloning them to perfection! Now lets play charades to pass the time.
Sometime in the not to distant future.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-09-04
A sneek peek of "Bloopers From The Passion of The Christ" coming this summer on DVD!
Oh... he he he. I seem to have done it again sorry about that Mel. Can we do another take? Oh my this is so embarrassing. The suns in my eyes thats all. I won't miss again I swear.
I can't take this. This guy is just too unprofessional. Can some one get me down. And bring me a Latte.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-10-04
What are you doing here punk? This here is Marboro country.
Uhgg... burritos coming back.
*POOOOOTTT*
Moral of the story: Never insult a lit cigarete who has been eating bean and jalapeno burritos.
AAAHHH!!! DAM YOU!!! AAAHHH!!!
Jalapenos!

 

by Kr0n1c
7-10-04
After some hot hunching...
Oh man that was good baby... oh wait you got some jizz on your chin. Wait its on your shirt to. The walls, floor, its everywhere. I'll just dry it up with my Bic lighter here.
NO! WAIT! JIZZ IS FLAMMABLE.
Please kids... never drink gasoline before sex... and use a condom. Thank you.
Note to self: fire is not a cleaning tool.

 

by Kr0n1c
7-25-04
America in the begining (pretend the little asian girl is a Native American chief)
Hi Im new here. Can you welcome me to your land by giving me food in the winter so I don't die and teach me to live off the land? Later I'll repay you by killing off your people and breaking treaties.
Sounds great! Don't forget forcing christianity on me and trying to tax my casinos!
A little later.
Is it cool if we kidnap you, take you over seas and force you to work till you die. In a couple hundred years will give you some rights except in the south.
I thought you would never ask.
I don't know when this happened but it did, except the 'open fist exploding heart' thing.
Hey have I got a deal for you! How about working in inhumane conditions busting your ass on the railroads! Will even under pay you! The only thing is you can't ride the railroad back when your done.
Can I use my 'open fist exploding heart ' technique?

 

by Kr0n1c
7-25-04
The 80s.. the 70s to I think... no wait just the 80s... aww fuckit.
Hey Im gonna give you these weapons to fight the russians and Iran. Im not giving then to you because I care I just don't like the godless russians. Make sure you use them on your own people! Enjoy!
Yes! Score! Thank you my western friend. Please come again.
Now! Yippppie!
I come again. Good news! Im gonna free your people by bombing the shit out of them! How about that? And it has nothing to do with oil! I swear!
*sniff* America I love you *sniff* set me free!
...and that is how America came to be.
Thats rad!

 

by Kr0n1c
8-07-04
I'm so glad you were able to find a babysitter at the last minute, darling.
Yes, we're really lucky that Stupid Joe was available.
STUPID JOE? Oh no! You left the baby with Stupid Joe?
Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong?

 

by Kr0n1c
8-07-04
I'm so glad you were able to find a babysitter at the last minute, darling.
Yes, we're really lucky that Stupid Joe was available.
STUPID JOE? Oh no! You left the baby with Stupid Joe?
Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong?
AAAAWWWW!! DAM YOU HORROR BABY!!! AAAWWWW!!!
You have officialy been killified... bitch.

 

by Kr0n1c
8-07-04
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by Kr0n1c
8-14-04
Enough fucking around Vinnie. Ya gots the Don's money or whut? It ain't good ta keeps the Don waiting ya know. I don't wants ta havta bust ya balls.
*Gulp* Um I-I-I don't have the Don's money b-b-but maybe I can repay him some other way?
Hmmm...
Uh oh.

 

by Kr0n1c
9-10-04
I'm gonna do it! If I see Maura today I'm gonna ask her out.
Oh God here she comes! Ok Pete this it. Don't freeze up. It's now or never!
Hello Pete.

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