All comics by gtc3000

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by gtc3000
6-23-09
Do you want the finger or the coffee?
I've got the coffee, so...
There you go.
Points like a dream. Let's turn into robots.
Nice.
Real nice.

 

by gtc3000
6-23-09
And that's when I said "Murder? I barely new'd her!"
Totally.
Still, I did kill her.

 

Ya know that Play-Doh Face Factory was a joke, right?
by gtc3000, 6-25-09

 

by gtc3000
6-25-09
IT BEGINS The internal battle waged within Anonymous Murderer does not boil and rage.
No, no, no, no, no. Not now. So close...
FU...
It seeps and it sneaks. Subversive, it spoils the kill from the inside.
Stick with the plan.
KING...
No cold blood today, Murderer. Just the hot flush of failure and humiliation creeping across your stone gray cheeks. Pathetic, anonymous, your would-be victims won't know you. Tonight is Yom Kippur
dammit
GUILT.

 

Don't be mad. It's exactly what you put on your wish list...
Not quite, birthday boy.
by gtc3000, 6-26-09

 

by gtc3000
6-27-09
Recently, the most earth-like planet known beyond our solar system was found (under someone's bed, I assume).
Anyway, it got me thinking about alien life and whether or not I want to be contacted by it. My feelings change based on the situation.
Example: I do not want to be contacted if the alien has more than one big, sharp tooth. I can handle one because it's kind of like my can opener. And that fucking thing never works.
Two big, sharp teeth might be manageable, provided that one's on the top and one's on the bottom.
Then I will call it grandma and make it buy me a GoBot.
Mommy told me I was a Transformer :(

 

Wilford Brimley here for Liberty Mutual...
by gtc3000, 6-27-09

 

by gtc3000
6-28-09
I just don't understand why the people I'm trying to murder are so stand-off-ish. What IS that?
[gurgle gurgle] [moan moan] [bleed bleed] ...Well...
I scowl. I know I scowl. But I've got the mask, so...
Body language maybe. I'm tense all the time and I'm sure it makes me look fairly unapproachable. And I'm so slouchy and rumpled, too.
Ahhhhh, boy. This one's gonna have me stumped for quite...some...time.
It's a process.

 

by gtc3000
6-29-09
We'll always have Rumschpringe.

 

Where's the good half?
by gtc3000, 6-29-09

 

by gtc3000
6-29-09
Audience: Clap clap clap clap clap...
Thank you so much! How we feelin' tonight, people!
Audience: Wooooo! Woooooo!
Ok, ok. No one feels THAT good. Seriously though, before the show I was backstage getting ready, and I was just about to put my mask on when I thought, "Again with the mask? Really?".
I mean, who am I, the Unknown Comic from the Gong Show? No. It's just me - Anonymous - hiding my face from the people I murder.

 

Rrrrrrrring...
School's out...
by gtc3000, 6-30-09

 

Now get my good side.
by gtc3000, 6-30-09

 

I don't get it.
by gtc3000, 6-30-09

 

Shut 'er down and walk out, Tom. Looks like we're buttin' heads with the suits again.
by gtc3000, 6-30-09

 

by gtc3000
6-30-09
Ahh..Ahh...
ACHOO!
That was NOT bird flu.

 

by gtc3000
6-30-09
I win, mommy.
FUCK...THIS...SHIT.
I win, mommy.
FUCK...THIS...SHIT.

 

by gtc3000
6-30-09
Thanks for covering.
Ya gotta go when ya gotta go.

 

by gtc3000
6-30-09
Scab!

 

I KNEW the Nazis would beat the spread!
It vas zee natural zelection.
by gtc3000, 7-01-09

 

by gtc3000
7-01-09
In George's office...
Hey, is that my pen?
This is not the pen you are looking for.
Ewen, listen. The Star Wars movies are over. That's not even your line. Leave the robe at home.
Can I wear it on casual Fridays?
No.
That is not the answer I am looking for.

 

by gtc3000
7-02-09
The power of Christ compels you!
Used to.
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
Nah.
The power of Christ repels you?
Sabbath Rules!

 

by gtc3000
7-02-09
Dead
Dead
Soon
Looks DAMN fit to me!

 

by gtc3000
7-04-09
What if we're not alone in the universe? Yeah, I'd like to meet 'em but, should the situation arise, I've got some hard and fast do's and don'ts. So, listen up aliens who I hope aren't ALIENS.
(1) I DO want to be contacted while with other people so that we can back up each other's unbelievable story.
(2) I DO NOT want to be contacted alone in an elevator because I will fart and the alien will know it was me.
(3) I DO want to be contacted if it's going to be like CONTACT. (4) I DO NOT want to be contacted if it's going to be like NELL.
(5) I DO want to be contacted if I have on clean underwear. (6) I DO NOT want to be contacted if I will have had on clean underwear.
So, come on down aliens. And if you play your cards right, for $20 you can probe anyone named Cinnamon. Seriously, anyone.

 

by gtc3000
7-06-09
Umm, I was wondering if you would have dinner with me?
Yes, I would!
Really? Dinner? With me?
Yes with you, silly. I've been waiting since we first met for you to ask me. You're such an introspective, mysterious person. I can't help but be intrigued.
Actually, there's not much behind the mask. What you see is what you get.
Well, then nail me behind that dumpster and get the hell outta here. And keep the mask on. There's enough puke back there already.

 

Daybreak...
Not funny not funny not funny not funny not funny not funny not funny not funny not funny...
by gtc3000, 7-06-09

 

AAAYYYYYEEEE just cut my balls shaving.
by gtc3000, 7-07-09

 

by gtc3000
7-09-09
Nnnnoo!
But I want to GIVE you another scoop, not take away the one you've got!
NOT...STRAWBERRY.
I've been giving you strawberry and you said you liked it.
I know. I love strawberry.
Have we met?

 

by gtc3000
7-10-09
You gotta help me, doc. I keep having this irrational dream where my lady leaves me for someone else. Do you think it's some sort of manifestation of overall anxiety and poor self image?
Ah. It sounds to me like you're going to have a breakthrough right...about...
...now.
Sorry, babe. You knew I was a Capricorn.

 

by gtc3000
7-12-09
Uchhh. Another day out in the sticks.
I know, right? It's like, why even crow when I know I'm just waking everyone up to the reality that they're still stuck out in this genetic backwater of a town.
To keep it real for a sec, though... it's not like any of us have been bustin' our asses to make it to the big city.
Truly. We're just a bunch of lazy complainers. I'm so lazy that if I got my head cut off I'd probably just sit down and die complacently in a pool of my own blood.
Christ, Dave...
To thine own self be true, Steven.

 

by gtc3000
7-12-09
My god. They've taken everything. Those thieving ingrates of a staff finally cleaned us out of office supplies. At least now there's nothing left to...
Woah. Wait till corporate hears about...

 

by gtc3000
7-12-09
So, THIS is where they keep the unedited script for Phantom Menace.
That's no script. It's a space station.
Alright, Ewan. That's it. I know Skywalker Ranch Tour Guide is the best job you've had in years, but I've got to let you go.
The Empire has been alerted to my presence?
No, I've been alerted to your dementia. Have you?
I am not the droid I'm looking for. You're no moon. I'm a space station! May my force be on you. FRACK!

 

by gtc3000
7-15-09
So, what now, Steven? What do we do?
I don't know, friend. I dream of a bigger, better life for us, but...
But what?
Dammit, Dave. Don't interrupt me.
I'm sorry, Steven. I'm just so scared. Scared to stay; scared to leave. Scared to say...oh, screw it...I love you. There Dave, are you happy now? I love you.

 

by gtc3000
7-16-09
Chapter 1: Opening the Gate of the White Picket Fence Surrounding the Yard of Your Dream House.
Ooo. That's good.
"Step 1: Time travel to the '50s. Step 2: Punch yourself in the face for living in a fantasy world and, therefore, never allowing yourself to be happy."
"Step 3: Stop reading this worthless book (did you notice the rest of the pages were blank?) and go do something fun."
The very next day...
Ah, here it is. "How to Build a Time Machine In Three Imaginary Steps, You Idiot".
I'm sure that last part's meant to be motivational.

 

by gtc3000
7-18-09
I'm sorry, Steven. I just don't feel the same for you as you do for me. You're my friend, but "love"? No.
It's not "butt love" I'm after, Dave. I don't even know how that would work.
No, no, I...
Back off, Dave. I don't yell "Cock-a-doo doo-shute!", every morning, ya know.
Yes, Steven. I know.

 

by gtc3000
7-21-09
Bull semen.
Mothra.
Death warmed over.
Oh, did I pass wind? Excuse me!
The fires of Mordor. Tacos.
Same.

 

by gtc3000
8-22-09
Day One: 3:06pm
New cat?
New 6th graders.
Yikes.
If you happen to see my stapler, tape dispenser or pancreas put them in my box, please.
Will do.

 

by gtc3000
9-27-09
It's my birthday today. Yup, the big T-W-O.
What's that? Oh, you're too kind. I tell ya, it's the sunblock. You've got to put on your spf 80 sunblock every...single...day.
Oh, and placenta. You've got to eat your human placenta every...single...day.
And dinosaur DNA. You've GOT to inject your amber-extracted dino DNA every time Richard Attenborough can harvest it for you. If you wanna look your best, there's just no way around it.
...And excercise, eating right, avoiding excess in general, blah blah blah. Trends, fads, trends and fads.
Did I mention my hyperbaric chamber?

 

What are limiting factors and how do they affect experimental outcomes?
by gtc3000, 11-05-12

 

Gleep glorp...What are limiting factors and how do they affect experimental outcomes?..Glorp gleep...
Judging from that laser, I'd say this isn't just a quiz, is it?
by gtc3000, 11-05-12

 

...stupid fucking Brooklyn hipster fucking Cthulu dicks... Fucking Beatnick Cthulus, man. Fuck!
by gtc3000, 11-05-12

 

Why is it important that some of the carbon in the oxygen-carbon cycle is locked up in carbon sinks?
Who does this nut think he's talking to?
by gtc3000, 11-06-12

 

by gtc3000
11-07-12
What are some ways that waste can be recycled and reused, my alien friend?
Glurm trup neeble zee.
!
Nice!
Flarg!

 

by gtc3000
11-12-12
Do you think differences in external air temperature affect the rate at which biomass decays?
Y...y...y..e...s...s...s...s...
Do tell!
cccan't...too...ccccccold...
Exactly!
?

 

by gtc3000
11-15-12
Conjour up whatever cheap, back-alley trick you want, Brunhilda. I'll always have the only bone you truly want.

 

What is a "niche"? What is your niche in you r house/community/circle of friends, etc..?
by gtc3000, 11-19-12

 

by gtc3000
11-19-12
What do you want me to say, Mike? That I'll stay? That I love you? NO! I'm just a curiosity to you and your horny friends. But I'm no freak. I am proud. I am strong. I ...am...Cockasian!

 

by gtc3000
11-20-12
Your bus is going to come and you're going to leave me, Stephen. Were we really so bad for each other?
BUS STOP
I'm getting on a bus naked, Michael. Naked with my last pair of hole-filled underwear tied to a stick. Yeah, I'd say we really were so bad for each other.

 

Summarize the characteristics of your project biome.
by gtc3000, 11-28-12

 

by gtc3000
12-18-12
!
...27 innocent people dead, most of them children...
I'm out.
And my name is Anonymous, ok? Just plain Anonymous. Goodbye, and...well, just goodbye.

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