All comics by seinfeld_fan_13

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by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
Hellow ma'am..would you like a cup of tea?
I'd like a cup of blood though...Stupid idiot...
Arn't you one of those cute little Sascquatches? Do you mind if we get a picture?
Your words are touching...
*Snap*
Which gave me an even better reason to kill you! Muhhahaha!--I call the blood
Hey daddy! This man is laying dead on the floor! Can we eat him for dinner? The bloods taken already :(

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
What ever happened to those loner dinosoars?
Im back from my trip...
WOW...a dinosoar. I thought you were extinct thousands of years ago?
My "friends" told me to get lost!
Yeah, but you lived right?
.....Get lost!
Good point...you learn from experience!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
1 Bad Deed...
What'ya doin today Napoleon?
I really freakin hate being asked that question! I will die! ALRIGHT? I WILL DIE!
1 Good Deed...
What'ya doin' today Arabian?
Crash into American building of coarse! GOSH! Why don't i just freggin kill myself, will that make you happy!...
...Evens Itself Out
1 good deed, 1 bad deed....um.... it pretty much evens itself out. No time to ask you freaky looking guy...i gotta get back inside
I think he's saying im not scary enough! I think im gonna cry...fine in wont take over the world then...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
Dum du dum.....Its reliable man!
HELLO MISSY
Hurry quick! Come to my house there is a problem!
WHATS THE PROBLEM DEAR?
If you're really reliable man, i accedently flushed my dog down the toilet! Its causing our house to be a giand waterhole!
EWW...wheres "Mr.Clean" when you need 'em...HEY GIRL, DO YOU WANT YOU'RE DOG TOO?...
No, thats alright...Just fix the pipe please...i dont really care how!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
Tom just never learns..
Hey women! Theres a fire in the house! I'll try to save my most cherished possession.
QUICK! IM CATCHING ON FIRE. HURRY UP AND SAVE YOUR "MOST CHERISHED POSSESSION" AND BE QUICK! IM BURNING!
No need! I've already done it. Oh yeah call 911 by the way. Since you always have this free time everyday! This house is really smoking up!
*WE INTURUPPED THE RE-RUN OF HAPPY DAYS UNFORTUNATELY FOR SOME BREAKING NEWS. A HOUSE LOCATED AT 3445 BROOKLYN ROAD THE RESIDENCE OF TOM AND HELEN IS BURNING DOWN!*
Man, is Happy Days still on tv? Im so sick of seeing re-runs of that stupid show!*Cough*

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
I will be looking forward to seeing you Sunday. Because of the incident with your house and your wife we will be celebrating how sorry we are for you and-
-hey hey hey....listen buddy. Will there be any cake at this so called "celebration"?
I believe we can order a caterer because of your huge loss-
It's alright bud. Just save me a slice or two.
You are going right. This IS a mourning for you...
...what? What did you say?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
Ohhhh... im so lonely...im even not talking to myself anymore...first the house,then the tv, the refrigerator, and my wife...now its a new beginning...
...but now i will be payed $3.25 an hour to have Jerry Seinfeld make fun of me the whole friday night, in front of hundreds of people...all i have to do is stand here, and let the smoke fumes...
How you guys doing tonight? As you know, i'm Jerry Seinfeld and I have a special guest to speak- uh.. i mean i make fun of this guy today while i speak about his life. Well, he just-
... hey... this... isn't... so... bad... after... all...
HA!HA!HA!HA!HA! HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
Hey Tom, great time last night eh?
Wow! you're Jerry Seinfeld? You really gained some weight since your last show on Seinfeld!
Well you know..my metabilism is slowing down-Anyway heres your money...
...thanks...WOW! $728.97! They really love me!
Im beginning to realize they don't need my jokes anymore...all they need to do is look at you and they laugh!...Youm ruined me. Now i gotta do something more useful now! *walks away*
Now all i need to do is breath into a lot of smoke fumes, stand there, and cash in BABY!...poor Jerry...the only fun he had was to make me the laughing stock of the state! I have to repay him somehow!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-06-05
...4 weeks after "that friday night"
I tried repaying Jerry, and it turns into a fistfight! Maybe I shouldn't of tried to redecorate his house...and change the oil to his car...and date his wife...i thought it would make him happy!
Tom meets up with his old rocker buddy from the 90s "Spanky"
Hey Tommy!
Oh, hi Spanky? How's it goin'?
Tom not knowing his wife had an identical twin...(Spanky sets him up)
I saw your wife the other day! She's with that guy from the fast food place
Your freakin' kidding...i better not have those side-effects from the fumes anymore! That guy's gonna get a piece of my mind...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-07-05
Back at "Reliable Man" Fast Food Grease Joint...
Welcome to "Reliable Man" Fast Food Grease Joint. Can i take your order?
A knuckle sandwich?
Sure, but it would cost ya'...$0.50...The best thing about this is that you have to pay, and you're not getting anything in return, because i didn't do anything to you!
Why did you tou ch my wife?
Bye bye now!
Seriously...This new beginning im talking about better soon be coming to an end...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-07-05
Hi, were doing a fund to raise money in order to buy bombs to blow out all the places Osama Bin Laden might be hiding...is your father home so i could speak with him?
I will help you...i am suffering from extreme child abuse from my father...once you get the bombs, drop them at my front door and call for me...ok...and no i cannot get my father...*shuts door*
1 year later (Girl died from extreme child abuse) *Man drops bomb on steps and calls for the girl*
Ok...there's the bomb girl...see ya later...
OOO...what is this?
...even more weapons of mass destruction...Osama you are King...Now off to bomb building

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-09-05
Press the "tab" key to start the computer...
And I having to "buy" beer all my life, i could of just been pressing the "tab" key on the computer, and could be getting free unlimited refills?
Press "space" bar and type in desired password, and personal information...
What do you mean you need space? You take enough space up on this damn desk enough, and now you want more? I have no place to put my stupid beer on!
...how can you be 26? According to the answers you typed in, you have an IQ of 36, and you have the maturity of a three year old...
Thats true i do look young don't i? Despite you needing all that space, i get free beer, and a complimenter, all in one! I'm telling you...this world is so advanced these days...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-09-05
Die...you...
huh?
You must die...NOW
No, no, no... that's not good! You weren't mean enough! And why did you have to inturrupt me when i was sleeping...Police?!!
What's goin' on here sir?
My main problem is lack of self esteam...i feel that no one cares about me, they just ignore the deadly ones!...i really gotta see a phyciatrist! this book is really not helping...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-09-05
Im really sorry Jerry for what i've done the past few weeks...Wow, you really lost a lot of weight!
Yeah, all the things you did to me built up anger, and it popped my giant tumor in my stomach!...it wasn't a weight problem...it was a stomach tumor with cancer cells inside...
I'm thinking about a show we could do togeather...like a show about nothing...
Been there...9 years...i think you hung on to the tv. long enough to know that! ah...what the hell...lets do it! i have nothing better to do anyway!
Great!
aanndd CUT! ok. theres our first episode...the "Show about nothing" -Pilot episode...do you want to have another 5 minute conversation?...even if we talk for an hour, we may have a good 4 seasons in!!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
*tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*tap*...
What's this guy trying to do?
Listen dude, i think you're messing with the wrong thing! A "Hammerhead shark"?
I just came to get some fish is all!...Speaking of fish, do you happen to have any?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
...watching his new show premier
"Happy Days" Re-runs will be taken out of NBC and will be replaced by a show called "A show about nothing" with producers Jerry Seinfeld, and Tom Hicky....
Alright! My show has already aired? Beautiful!
4 and a half hours later...
Coming up next...the finale of the show "A show about nothing"
What the hell! I thought all that talking covered only 3 seasons!
1 hour later...
This show \has scored the lowest rating in NBC history of 0.0384...sorry about the inconvenience, but to cheer you all up "Happy Days" Re-runs will be back on as soon as possible...
Ahhh....man!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
New York City
hi...ma'am will..uh you..uh donate some money to..uh the..homeless-
im sorry sonny...i don't have any money... shoudn't you be with santa claus right now instead of scavenging the streets of New York ya stinkin' mutt!
Rarrr...
Ooooo.. arn't you the cuttest dog... you must not have a home! Well let me get you a bone, and get you to the Animal Shelter to get a check up immediatly!
At the Animal Shelter
Some people are so idiotic and selfish on the streets of New York! For Shame!......Oh no!
Yup, and your tellin' me! I'll get the needle! The mutts just fine...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Tom had just been recently deported to Jerusalem...
*clatter*
Osama Bin Laden?!
Yes, you found me! I have been chillin' with Jesus in his Tomb for the past almost 5 years!
You ******* piece of ****! you screwed my life! I once had a job there, and when on my lunch break you bombed my building! *punch* *kick* *slap*
Im very very sorry fellow American!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Just Yesterday a local fire victem, "stand up comedian", and star of lowest rated NBC show "A show about nothing", has found a shocking discovery...
The prime 9-11 suspect "Osama Bin Laden" was found in jerusalem in Jesus' tomb with 5,000 bags of marajuanna, a toothbrush, 4 paper towel rolls, and a stick of deoderant!
This just in... the last 3 items i named had nothing to do with this, and Osama Bin Laden does NOT wear deoderant! I repeat, osama bin laden does NOT wear deoderant!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
What! Its that stupid cat dat eats da bird, not me! I didnt even do noting!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Brooklyn Jail...
Sir, you have violated terrorism, drug possession, illegal gun usage, drug usage- wait you know what, screw it. All im going to say is you have violated 625 laws, and you're in jail for life...
I do not understand much english...
do de do...
You say your name's Osama Bin Laden? Sooo what are you in for?
For a start, i crash into 2 americain building, i had illegal drug...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Channel 73 News (The news that no one cares about)
Welcome to channel 73 news: "The News that no one cares about"...That is why lisa beside me's here gets paid $4.50 a week. I also work for the channel 3 news, this is just my part time job...
...Lenny, atleast im not a damn part-time drug attic, an alcoholic, a convict, and an elementary school dropout!
In todays news lisa was found on the street fighting with a homeless man over a quarter... but don't put the blame on poor Lisa, because that is %6 of her weekly salary...
...you idiot, that was my quarter! How would you like it if someone tried to take your money?
...well its better than buying a bloody gumball and infecting that diabetic disease you're carrying-thats enough for today...if your ignoring us, or just using us for entertainment, we hope you die!
Yeah, whatever he said...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Good Day! Welcome to Channel 73 News! "The News that no one cares about" I feel drunk today so we'll just look at some embarrasing pictures of Lisa... She had to be unidentified in black....
Who the hell is that on the other side of this window...oh! it's me...
I think that i need some serious rhinoplasty!
uh...that was her looking at herself in the mirror... thats enough for today. So if you're just ignoring us, or using us for entertainment. You seriously will die!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Welcome to Channel 73 News "The News no one cares about" Im Lenny...
...and im Lisa. In todays entertainment recent seinfeld cast member "Kramer" has ripped down an entire wall of his house...
...just yesterday, "Kramer" forgot that he wasn't doing the show anymore, and tore right through that wall of brick and plywood...
...he will have a reconstructed home with no doors and walls...
...and that is %100 retarded, recently said from the mouth of Lenny! He will have a home underground!
I was just READING what the damn cardboard said you fruit... So if you're using us for entertainment or just ignoring us... remember... we hope you die!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Good Day! Welcome to "Channel 73 News" The News that no one cares about... we had to change our backround to nothing because after copying 38 other news stations, we didn't have enough money.
We needed to afford a lawyer... and this news station gets paid $25 dollars a show. We shouldn't be telling you this information but you know we don't make enough money...
...and we never have anything that interesting to talk about...
Bye for now, and by the way, we hope you die!
-i-wasnt done! -i was goin' somewhere with this!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-10-05
Hello, i'm Lenny...
...and i'm lisa... lets go straight to the white house for an urgent report with the president of the United States.
hi im Frank, the reporter for channel 73 news... this is george bush incase some of you might not know, he's the president of the United States
Hi fellow americans... i spoke with Sedahm Hussane the president of iraq and has just confessed his real name is "so damn insane" and he needs a phyciatrist immediantly!
And you could obviously see that he's either wearing a hat and mustache to cover his identity, or he's super mario... its a strange world out there...
Thats it for today, and i almost forgot, you will die!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Welcome to "King of grease, sugar, and fat fast food joint!" We have a new contest... be 300 pounds by the end of the week by eating only our food, and win unlimited supply!
What if someone's 298 pounds, and all they need to gain is 2?
All contestants must be a minimum of 250 pounds...please get your damn hand out of your pants please!...this place is dirty enough as it is!
Good luck...i think you might have to add 200 pounds to that goal because %96.6 of American adults reached 300 pounds back in the 80's!
how am i suppost to know... i immigrated as the king of England! What do you think i should do?
#1 take this contest over to Canada...#2 if you reach 300 pounds by monday i'll take my hands out of my pants... in the meantime i'll be hangin' around you!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Come to my room Carlo!
Oh nooooooo... michael jackson!
Do you seriously still notice me? I had so many surgeries to switch from a black man to a white woman!
Uhh... your nose just fell off!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Yes you guessed it! Its channel 73 News again! Im in a really good mood today... do you know why Lisa?
...why lenny...
'cause today we have reached over 29 viewers...
...thats what that screen says!
...wait 28, 27, 26, 24....18, 17 why are people stop watching?... 16, 15, 14-
Lenny... i think we're embarrasing them... so remember ONLY the people who don't watch our news, they will die!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
So, how's it going today Timmy?
How's your mom Timmy?
huh Timmy?
...your babies' dead!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Tom has decided he had "wasted" all the skills he had back at highschool...
Wow! what a piece of machinery!
Operator... i have made a new discovery!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Get your ass off the floor, and get me a damn bone!
Atleast us cats do something...
what!
catch rats, birds, snakes...
you know i have the ability to eat you also you know... dogs are always known of beating up cats, and torchering them as well... so get the hell outta here!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
And the Winner for the shortest, worst rated, and the most stupid sitcom is "A show about nothing"!...Tom Hickey & Jerry Seinfeld...
Well, these last few weeks of mine were hard...
but...rewarding! If my wife hadn't died, i wouldnt of wone this award! And if i didn't date Jerry's wife i wouldn't have this award either!
uhah...yaa. thaank.. youuu...
I really did something with my life, and it prooved it last night... i watched this thing 23 times, and i like it even more...why is it still smoking... oh well time to watch Happy Days!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Welcome to channel 73 news. The best damn part-time job a celebrity could have! Canada and the United States have come to a conclusion...
...yes at a local meeting yesterday Canada and the USA have decided to dump all their garbage in Australia.
George Bush said that they should dump American garbage in Iraq, because he's so damn obsessed with that country...
...they answered what he said, and did a favour to all americans...
Ahhh darn! Hey Iraq soldiers, please dont huirt me...OH hi hercules!
ahhhhh... go suck a lemon *slice*

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Why do you always lick yourself all the time? Doesn't licking your ass taint your water and food?
...no...
Us dogs get as dirty as we want, and let the owners wash us... you have to TAKE ADVANTAGE of them!
you smell...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
When you read those stupid comics when a dog and a cat are always fighting with eachother, you usually see the cat getting kicked...
...you also see cats getting stuck under car tires, getting their tail stepped on, and falling from apartment buildings...
atleast we live... the dogs are punished by having a 12-gage shotgun popping a cap inside their hollow head, through their hollow brain...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-12-05
Hi, it's Channel 73 News "The News that no one cares about"...
right indeed Len...without further adoo, lets follow up on our story in Australia...
In Australia...
Oh Gully, hey molly... we'll have to either stick the garbage in the dingo hole or the kangaroo hole...
i didn't even know kanga's had holes...
i suggest the dingo hole mate! Now geet on with it...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Christmas Eve...
Hey santa? Arn't we goin' to deliver the presents?
Ho Ho Ho... too drunk!
What about all the cute little kids that want their christmas presents?
Ho Ho Ho, those kids are screwballs anyway... they know there's no Santa Claus!
Its time for you to pick up my shit now...
you're old enough to do it yourself... you're freakin' 505 years old! Go take a shit somewhere else! -and get out of my living room!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Welcome again to channel 73 News... "The News that none cares about"
England is being thretened of large bomb attacks in the downtown area!
Yes it's about time they get hit with something...
-Thats not what the screen says! Anyway, lets go to England right now and talk to a local man...
you know, i asked the terrorist if he'd like a cup of tea, but he tried to blow my face off!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Good afternoon, and welcome to a special Channel 73 News! We were talking too much about boring topics which made us more like a normal news station so we have to lay off the important news...
...That's right Lenny. Just recently last week michael jackson showed up to court with his pijamas pleading to the judge that he wont lay another court appearance because he already has 92 more to go.
Yes, all 92 court appearances are for molestation and he only molested 6 different people!
A very scary man indeed...
Hey i gotta funny joke! What did the boy say when michael jackson went to his home to molest him?... he said halloween is not until another 3 and a half months, but thats a good costume though!
...i hope we dont go bancrupt after today...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Why do cats crap in a "litter box"?
Like, what is the point of it? You're sitting in a box filled with crap from 6 days ago!
Us dogs are more civilized and modern... we crap on other peoples lawn, and the owners pick it up! I think we're more like the owners than they are!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
This is our 5th comic, and you barely said a damn word! I feel like a fool! And why does this comic creator keep leaving us with the same damn blanc backround!
*sniff* uhhh thats better... wait, its that stupid marajuanna mascot again!
Smoke,smoke! Oh yeah!
Stop staring at me, and get the hell out of here!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Michael Jackon, there is an angry mob outside, and you are 4 hours late for court! Get down here now! Ill shoot down your door ya woman!
Daddy, he's here, stop beating around the bush, and get your ass down here!
Honey, i'll have to throw out little "blanket" your baby sister to all the people...
No! you have to go to court!
Michael Jackson has gotten himself into even more trouble...*BANG* "I think i got 'em!"
oh no! Synthia, how could you throw your own "mommy" out the window?
Your a beautiful looking specimin! Yee haw! Im taking this chick to ye ol' farm!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Hey, where do babies come from?
Why do you ask son?
i know where they come from... i just want you to say it , thats all..
well...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Hey deb. It's time we do something togeather, just as friends... im going to a theater to go see some chinese acrobats. Why don't you come along.
Uhh... im fine...
...Im not asking you, im telling you...
did you say chinese acrobats? Oh i'd love to...
i spent $200.00 each on these tickets, so you better like it!
o...oh...okay

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Going to the theater...
I brought my friend Jack, i hope you don't mind...
oh thats fine...
Hey Jack. let's get in the theater...
Yeah whatever... lets get this thing over with...
Welcome to the Theater...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-13-05
Intermission time folks...
Deb: Im hungry... can i get a chocolate bar...
Dax: Sure here's the money...
End of performance
Deb: Zzzzzzz.............
Dax: Yaa Wooo!
How did you like it?
Yeah... it was very expensive, which surprised me, the caramel and chocolate tasted good though. Ohhh I can feel the bubble... Ohhhhh... Dax:*slice*

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
This damn cat is 19 years old now, and it's still not dead yet... i'v been waiting for it to die ever since i got it back in 86'... what will i tell mark? That cat's his only friend...
Dad, i'm goin' to school!
Bye honey *door shuts* now its time for me to take action... ill bring it to the vet, and say that i found it on the street! I'll tell mark that he ran away... nice kitty, nice kitty...
At the Vetrenarian...
Oh so you're saying that you found it on the street... Oh! what do you know, it has one of those tracking devices where you can contact the owner!
Oh shit! I'll be right back... nice kitty... nice kitty...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
AAAHHHHHHH!
...uh...what's the word on the street, are you the...th.. the raper?
no..no..no, the REAPER
Ohhh.... you had me scared for a second there... *slice*
well, thats what i do best, isn't it?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
AAHHHHHHH!
Michael jackson!Are...are... you the reaper again, or just the raper?
well... in a way, kinda both
AAAAAHHHHHH!
Next...

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