All comics by The_Crash_King

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by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Mechanical Theater: Opening...
Hello. I'm Bumper-bot. Anal rape is my specialty...
I built you for love. But you only know hate.
Climax...
There is a clown behind you.
Silly Robot. You're tricks are for kids!
Conclusion...
Seriously, Dammit. Turn around.
Oooookay... it's time for another tune up...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Answer me, you pathetic peice of human waste!!!
You can't fool me. I know you just want to suck my brain out through my ears!
I promise I won't try and do that this time. Now, answer the phone!
That's what you said last time. I was in the hospital for three days!
That was the lamps fault. Don't you remember it pushing you down the stairs?
Oh yeah... hey, that reminds me... I need to make a trip down to the store and stock up on painkillers again...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
...and then I said to the policeman, "Hey listen buddy, that window was broken waaaaaaay before I threw that brick through it."
oh... heh heh heh... ugh. Hey, um... can I ask you a question?
As long as it involves me taking my pants off.
Why are you pointing at my breasts?
I like to call it "pretend touching".

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
*blink*
HAHAHAH! I WIN AGAIN!!! You know what to do...
I knew I should never have agreed to this contest...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
And my mother made me wear a bonnet until I was 13...
Uh huh... so these problems seem to be the cause of your mother...
That and the skeleton who tells me to hurt people.
hmmm... I'm going to perscribe you more sanity pills... come back and see me in two weeks...
So you told him about me, eh? Well, you know what you need to do now...
Yeppers. Now, where did I put that seven iron?

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Another scene from "Mechanical Theater"...
I've gotten a letter from your principle, seems you were being a very naughy robot...
If God didn't want me to rape my teacher, He wouldn't have invented anuses...
Still... I think you owe Mr. Stevenson an apology...
Fine. Sorry I had a moment of sheer pleasure. Can you forgive me?
Nah, I hate Mr. Stevenson anyways...
You want me to show you want I did to him?

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Mechanical Theater presents...
...the laziest comic ever.
(I said "lazy", not "funny")
umm... so... you had unrequested sex with anyone lately?
Well, duh.

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
"Fire of Love. Burning Bright."
"Burning... um... houses... in the night."
Ooops... that reminds me. I left the oven on.

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
What the??? Who the hell are you????
I'm Norman, I've been living under your piles of dirty clothes for the last three years.
Really? That's kinda cool...
...wait... under EVERY pile?
Yeah, about that... we need to talk about your... er.. "collection" of women's lingere....

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
In the spirit of comics like "Family Circus", Mechanical Theater presents a strip for the whole family!
I see you've been getting into the cookies again, you little scamp!
Don't worry daddy! Jesus still loves me!
On second thought... screw it.
He does? That's news to me.
It's true! I have the cum all over me to prove it!

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Hey big boy... how about to the two of us go out for drinks?
By "drinks" you mean oral sex, right?
Sure do, honey. Just name your price.
By "price" you mean me tieing you up and leaving you in my trunk for three weeks, right?
uhh... sure. Wait here for a minute... Help! Police!
By "wait here" you mean me urinating all over myself, right? If not, we might have a problem...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Mechanical Theater is back yet again...
I've had it up to here with you, Bumper.
If you think you are scaring me... Think again, fleshy!
Listen to me... this has to stop!
Up yours. I'll engage in anal sex with non-consenting males WHENEVER I want!
What are you talking about? I just want you to quit playing "Stacy Q" over and over...
"TWO OF HEARTS! TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE... TWO OF HEARTS!!"

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Chillin' Revised...
Nick... stop staring at my boobs...
Huh? Boobs? What are you talking about???
WHAT????
I mean... um... damn. Can't keep my eyes off of them!
Damn straight.

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
The End of Nick and April?
What's wrong, babe?
*sniff* You are such a jerk!
Well, duh. Is this suppose to be news to me?
I don't want you to talk to me again until you learn to behave!
"Behave"? Is that some sort of candy?
*sigh* I guess this is goodbye...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
And let's see... then my husband left me for that little hussie girl...
Hold that thought.
GO AWAY CLOWN!!!!
sorry.
Now where were we? Ah yes, my cheating husband.
I seem to remember you commanding me to take off my pants...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-12-01
Nick fights for "his" woman
I know all about you and April, Gabe.
Oh yeah? What are you planning on doing about it?
Something I should have done a long time ago...
And that is?
...and after he drug me into the bathroom... he proceeded to bash my head against the urinal again and again...
*siiiigh* My hero.

 

by The_Crash_King
2-13-01
...and don't forget to tune into our special... are the cleaning products you use every day able to kill you?
What is this, Sesame Street? Am I three years old here? Maybe you guys should do a report that would actually be news!
Oh really, smarty pants man?
damn straight.
Then explain yesterday when I saw you drink two bottles of Drano.
Hey! I needed SOMETHING to wash down all that Comet.

 

by The_Crash_King
2-13-01
Have you heard of this one? These two Russians walk into a~
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
What the hell was that???
That was a seriously funny joke, dude. I have one, also... What's the differnce between a clown and a robot?
Yet another conversation down the drain thanks to ADD...
Man, I wasn't even~
You can't shoot a robot at a circus!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

 

by The_Crash_King
2-13-01
Sometimes at night I lie awake and wonder if the world hates me or just wants me to die...
Then I remember that my purpose is to make children laugh and be happy...
What children? Are you talking about the ones you tied up and locked in your trunk last weekend?
And let me tell you... they were quite happy when they were finally found.

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
Hey daddy! I have a joke for you. What's blue and white and is going to have a big robot dick in it?
*insert silence for dramatic affect*
If I don't answer him... maybe he will go away...
Give up? Here's a hint... it's you!

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
Hey, Everyone. Great to be here. Did I ever tell you about the woman with the poodle? I bashed her head in last week! Get it? HAHAHAH!
Booo! You suck!
I just flew in from San Fransico last night. And boy, are my arms tired... FROM KILLING PEOPLE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Get off the stage, loser! Why aren't you funny?
Thank you, thank you. I poisoned all of your drinks.... Goodnight!
Hello? 911?

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
hmmm... think it's time for more sanity pills...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
Hello, young lad. Would you like a balloon animal?
Get bent, tubby.
Now, that's a big no-no talking to Charley Chuckles like that...
Fine. Sorry. Give me a stupid balloon animal.
I... erm... left one in my pants... would you mind helping me get it?
I hate it when Uncle Charles performs at my birthday...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
wow. Hahahah. You're a silly elephant.
You know that! I'm the silliest elephant EVER!!!
...
*cough*
Why did my parents have to die?

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
Hello all. This is Crash King from the super fantastic series "True Story". With me is Silly Elephant.
Silly Elephant is my name! Being silly is my game!
It has come to my attention that the Silly Elephant character... well... sucks shit. I'm here to disprove all that. Silly Elephant, are you not the silliest elephant in the world?
Yes, I am the silliest elephant in the world. Come on folks, what's not sillier than an elephant?
Dude, that response was pretty fucking lame. Do I have to remind you that your life hangs in the balance?
I mean... uh... you can't spell "Silly Elephant" without the word... silly? Ugh. God dammit. I'm going to be paino keys, aren't I?

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
*ahem*... excuse me little girl...
I was wondering if you would like a silly elephant to play and make silly observations with. Me being a silly elephant would work out nicely if you needed such silliness...
Hey, your that elephant that makes really dumb and redundant remarks about being "silly"...
No... you must be thinking about another elephant. My name is Silly Elephant, the silliest elephant in the world... but it's okay, I get that ALL the time. heh heh heh...
Fuck off, Silly Elephant. I hope you burn in the silliest part of hell!

 

by The_Crash_King
2-14-01
The Crash King tells it like it is...
Hello... Crash King here again to break the fourth wall, and teach everyone how to properly make a comic strip on "Low Pass Comic Strip Creator"...
Yes, please enlighten us, oh Fearless One of Wonderment!
Step one... create a really shitty three-panel comic strip... (just like "Three Reasons"!)
"Pretend Touching"??? LOL!!1 I M A 1337 COMIX WRITOR!!!
*meep* You're so fucking haliarious, dood...
Step 2: Spend a couple hours going through the Random Comic Generator trying to find your comic so you can rate it a 10...
Then give up and go back to masturbating in your own pool of filth and pathetic tears...
You're such a dipshit. See? I make fun of you because it's funny!!!

 

by The_Crash_King
2-15-01
COME ON YOU ASSHOLES... BE FUNNY!!!
He's talking to you. Let this be a warning...
THAT DOES IT. EVERYBODY IS GETTING ONES... (oh, except for you... heh heh heh. Robots are silly...)
Clango be hellava tough, so cut the jibba jabba...

 

by The_Crash_King
2-26-01
Dude.... how can you NOT like Slipknot???
I dunno... I liked them better when they were called "G'war"...
I don't know why you are banging on Slipknot... they are so origional. I mean, they have three drummers!!!
THREE DRUMMERS??? OH MY GOD!! WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME SOONER!?! JESUS CHRIST, IF I KNEW THAT THEY HAD THREE DRUMMERS....!!!
Slipknot: Paving the way in the music industry... WITH DRUMS!!! HOORAY!!!!
Man...
Hey! You know what would be cool? If I started a band with FIVE drummers!!! THAT WOULD BE SUPER EXCELLENT!!!

 

by The_Crash_King
2-26-01
Mechanical Theater in: "The End?"
I've had it up to here with you. I should have taken you apart a long time ago!
Daddy, no! I have tasted life and I want more!
Tasted life
Goodnight Everybody!

 

by The_Crash_King
3-08-01
Crash King here. We have secretly replaced Neal's coffee with Decaf. Let's see if he notices the difference....
YUCK!!! WHO TOOK A SHIT IN MY COFFEE CUP???
That's what "Decaf" is, isn't it?
Dude, that's DEFECATE!!! Fucking Moron!

 

by The_Crash_King
3-08-01
Oh my... What a silly clown. I certainly hopes he will be my friend. We will have a lot of fun being silly with each other...
Excuse me there clown... But, I would like to be your friend. Being how I am a silly elephant and you a clown. Our sillyness would be astronomical!
My life is a mind-numbingly painful farce that cycles from one tradgedy to the next...
Really? I accidently ate a kitten today! HAHAHAH! We are going to have so much fun together!
I wonder what kinda price I can get for those tusks...

 

by The_Crash_King
4-06-01
I just got back from a seeing my favorite baseball team, The Mighty Robots, play...
How was the game?
It was good.
How good?
So good that I should point out that nobody can see what my other hand is doing right now...
Jesus. Every Tuesday he finds an excuse to jack off in front of me!

 

by The_Crash_King
2-09-03
Well holy shit. I guess I'm back in action.
It's been TWO FUCKING YEARS since I've made a comic on this shitty ass stinkhole of a website.
So what have you been doing all this time then?
Working a shitty ass job. Living in a stinkhole. You know... the usual shitty ass stuff. ...Stinkhole.
I guess reading a fuckin' thesaurus once in awhile isn't on the list of "the usual stuff"

 

by The_Crash_King
2-21-03
Oh, I sure hope no aliens in disguise are here trying to steal my thoughts!
I think he's onto me.

 

by The_Crash_King
3-17-03
Oh boy oh boy. Time to read some online comics. I sure hope their witty insights and clever dialouge will rocket me into the stratosphere of entertainment!!!
(Some Random StripCreator Comic): "Oh boy! Saddam and George W have really gotten into the stinkeroo now!!! Huh Yuck yuck yuck yuck!!!
Wow. Another pimply faced 14 year old and/or some deadbeat virgin still living with his parents decided to put their two cents in on the war in Iraq. God, now I can die happy.
Well, if you're so damn smart, why don't you put your own "two cents" in?
Cause then I would want my money back.
Still scrounging up enough change for that sandwich at lunch tommorrow, eh?

 

by The_Crash_King
3-17-03
Oh no. This better not be another one of those Phillip Morris sponsered "Truth Ad" kids trying to expose the horrors of nicotene!
Did you know that a certain undisclosed document from the 1980s reported that a certain major tobacco company tried to get teenagers to smoke?
Oh no shit. Wow. Impressive. Seems like you crazy kids have done it again in your fight against the horrors of smoking.
Did you know Ciggerrettes contain Tobacco and that's a plant and we should save the rainforest that is also made of... uh... plants?
I'm going to file that little tidbit of information under "A" for "Already Forgotten".
I dress up like a ciggerrette and hand out pamplets to people on the street cause that's what the company tells me to do.

 

by The_Crash_King
3-19-03
I've got a seceret
I can't give you specifics, but it *does* involve the space agency, communists, and artic seals.
That's great.
On a completely unrelated topic, you want to come with me to Nasa and free the seals they are keeping captive for the Cubans?
I've got a seceret also: I don't like you.

 

by The_Crash_King
3-22-03
Pardon me, ma'am.
*sigh* what?
Have you ever been fucked by a 30 year old virgin in a fruity vest that showers only once a week and uses stuffed animal dolls for sexual gratification?
I have.

 

by The_Crash_King
6-19-03
Hello everybody. I wanted to make an offer to you, but first a little explanation. You see, I've gotten quite bored having to make comics on this website.
I haven't been on this site much in the past couple months... so I wanted to test a theory out.
Anyone that wants to can post using my name. Password: "moats"

 

by The_Crash_King
7-12-03
There's nothing funny about this.
ya.

 

by The_Crash_King
1-19-04
"Tag, you're it." Honey? Why are we getting mysterious threatening messages in the mail?
I'm afraid I've been leading a double life, dearest. As well as your loving wife, I am also a superheroine. Yesterday, my arch-enemy discovered my true identity.
Oh god, oh god. Stay behind me, pumpkin, I'll think of something.
He also offered a hojillion dollars to anyone who can deliver my head on a silver platter.
Didn't your sister give us that lovely silver roast dish for our third anniversary?
Please, sweety. I can juggle tanks and fly through the heart of the Sun. You couldn't even cut my nails. Now come to dinner. I cooked potroast with my laser-breath and your mother's recipe.

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