All comics by Ultamatom

Profile

 

by Ultamatom
7-26-06
Gentlemen like blondes. Or so the gentlemen keep telling me.
Well hey, I'd like to think I have more going for me than just that.
You mean you can cook, too?

 

by Ultamatom
7-26-06
Here's the draft for my newest novel. I call it, "Fuckslut's Revenge".
"anal jizzmaster hardcore gangbang fist titslut fuck wank man yoghurt" ... is it all like this?
No, that's just the prologue. It starts getting a bit racy in later sections.
Your foreshadowing of the anal reaming scene is a bit transparent.
She's secretly a robot prostitute from the future.

 

by Ultamatom
7-31-06
Weird. Alice left a little effigy of herself on her computer chair.
Hey, Alice, you've got some white goop in your hair or something.
?

 

by Ultamatom
7-31-06
Alice, I need you to proofread my latest script, Psychislut Volume IV.
It's about a clairvoyant who assists the police in murder cases by stuffing personal belongings of the missing victim into her vagina and fondling her breasts.
Do you realise that merely through your continued existence you've set the women's movement back by years?
Which movement? Up and down, or in and out?

 

by Ultamatom
7-31-06
An offer from Bob for the part of Frigg in "Thor's Fuckhammer"?
It was on my desk this morning. I told him when I started here that I didn't want to do any acting.
It says here that the worst thing you'd have to do would be let Fenrir lick your --
It doesn't matter, I'm not doing it anyway. Do you want to go and get some lunch?
I wouldn't go into the cafeteria. They were filming "Floods of Jizz XI" and some of it got on the coffee trays.
That's all right, I've been keeping some chewing gum and Prozac in my desk.

 

by Ultamatom
7-31-06
Alice, did you consider that part I offered you?
I'm not taking it. I told you when I started here I wouldn't act in any of these films.
I assumed you were just being coy. It doesn't matter, it's just that there's a tax benefit for me to just add the $5,000 to your regular salary.
... did you just say $5,000? For a one-scene part?
Yeah, we had to make some budget cutbacks after "Shaving Ryan's Privates" flopped. Thor's penis extension is made from papier-mache.

 

by Ultamatom
7-31-06
So, what do you do?
I work in a porn studio.
So, what do you do?
I work in a porn studio.
So, what do you do?
I'm a cashier. Can we go back to your place and cuddle? I'm lonely.

 

by Ultamatom
7-31-06
No way! You work for Robert Scratchit? The creator of Fuckslut? The man who revolutionised the facial cumshot?
Yep!
I've, uh, I've never heard of him.
I like you.

 

by Ultamatom
7-31-06
You're sure you don't want to be walked home? You live only two streets away from my apartment.
No, no, thank you. Y-you're sure not put off by the fact that I work in that place?
Nope! Actually, it's pretty awesome. Is it cool if I call you again tomorrow?
<3 <3 <3

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Excuse me, miss? I'm Neil Jerkit from Jerkit, Spankit, and Spurt, attorneys at law.
Sorry, I didn't hear you come in. Alice Tovores. What can I do for you?
I'd like to speak with a Mr. Robert Scratchit.
Sorry, Bob's not in. He's out on site all Friday morning. Is there anything I can help you with?
Oh, right, he has to film Friday Fuck-Bus ... uh, I m-mean, do you know when he'll be back?
It's all right, hun. I know that you know who he is. I'll give you directions to the set.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Oh, wow. The actual bus from Friday Fuck-Bus. I can't believe they do this live.
Hey, sweet thing. Looking for someone?
Oh! Uh ... yeah. Hi. Is Mr. Scratchit around today?
Yeah, follow me, I think he's just wrapping up. We're done for today.
My name's Mandy, by the way.
I know.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
OK, OK, so just give him the subpoena and say sternly, "Mr. Scratchit, this is for you." Simple. No problem.
Bob? Fella from Jerkit, Spankit and Spurt here to see you.
oh my god oh my god oh my god it's him it's him
Hey, bud! Bob Scratchit. What can I do for you?
I ... I CAN'T DO IT! THEY SENT ME HERE TO RUIN YOU! BUT ... I ... I CAN'T HAVE A HAND IN THE DESTRUCTION OF SO GREAT A MAN!
Let go of my feet, kid. You have no idea where they've been.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Look, kid, I've dealt with this before, it's pretty routine. What is it? Another subpoena?
Er - yes. A local Women's Rights group is campaigning to shut you down.
They say your work is short-sighted, depraved, has no grounding in reality of gender roles or meaningful relationships ...
... undermines tradition and family values, and threatens the development of a healthy sexuality in young men.
And that differs from feminism how, exactly?

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Back at Scratchit Studios ...
Neil, this is Darren Steam. He's an actor here, but he takes care of most of my legal work. He's an old friend. Darren, this is Neil Jerkit.
Howdy, kid.
Mr. Steam, it's an honour. Wait ... y-you have a law degree?
Yep! Juris Doctor, summa cum laude from Yale, class of 1979. I did a dissertation on professional ethics while I was a tenured professor there.
How on earth did you end up in porn?
Reasons of conscience.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Much later that same evening ...
Aww, damn, closing time. I gotta walk home.
Well, it's either that or we could go back to my apartment and screw like crazed weasels.
... what?
... oh god. I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean it. It was a joke. I swear.
3 minutes and 48 seconds later ...
Oh man. I can't feel my legs anymore.
Here, I'll do it for you.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Good morning, Mr. Steam!
Hello, Miss Tovores. You look rather spry this morning.
I had a good night. Did you talk with the young lawyer about the subpoena?
Yes. It's nothing to worry about. The group has nothing on us. I even went through a list of our actors, their addresses, and their ages. Would you like to join me for lunch?
You know, my boyfriend would kill for that list.
Sorry, my dear. Even in porn, privacy is a citizen's most basic right.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
What was the final word on Robert's offer of the part in Thor's Fuckhammer, Alice?
I refused. Even though it was a pretty inoffensive part, and as much as the money would have helped, I don't want to act in these films.
Well! What a principled young lady you are. Good for you.
You know, I never thought the first person I'd hear that from would be one of the world's most famous porn stars.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
What news?
The subpoena's still in effect. We have to be in court in two weeks. Mr. Jerkit was quite apologetic.
Blast it ... MANDY? GET OFF THE BUCKING BRONCO, WE'RE STILL ON SCENE TWO, HUN! ... Do you know what their angle will be?
I admit I'm a tad worried. I thought they'd drop it. Maybe they have some dirt on us they're going to spring at the hearing.
Oh, come on, Darren. This studio is as clean as a nun's beaver.
What about just after we filmed Fecal Fantasy VII? Alice told me that the janitor cried.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Meanwhile, back at Tim's apartment ...
Oh, Jesus, my head ... wow. Alice already tidied up in here. What the fuck? 6pm?!
Damn, man. I feel like a jerk. I sleep through the entire day from sheer sexual exhaustion ...
... and then she cleans my entire apartment without waking me up, and I stand here like a dunce in my underwear.
Hey, you, I'm home! I bought us some whiskey!
I am going to marry this woman.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
unh yeah god stick it in there yeah faster unh unh that's the stuff luv
Aw, heck, no! Change the channel, Tim, I get enough of this at work.
Fair enough.
*CLICK* ... Two doctors were found dead this morning in London. Pro-life activists are being questioned by police ...
Change it back.
I think people have the wrong idea about where the real filth is.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
I told you, this is "Fists of Furry". You're only beating off on camera. We didn't ask you to soliloquise about being laughed at on the internet.
You're fursecuting me! And compromising my integrity as an artist!
Artistic integrity? Kid, you're working in porn. You have sex on camera for money. You can't claim artistic integrity until you're writing this shit.
And erotic Minerva Mink fan fiction doesn't count as writing. Geez, when I was your age, I would have to keep going through seventy-five shots a day. You kids have no idea how easy you have it.
And no, I don't mean camera shots.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Good work today, Mandy. I think Hippie Handjob is going to be a landmark. Go and get changed.
Thanks, Bob.
I'll see you later. I'm going home to cook dinner.
Are you sure? You could always join me. I was going to order in some Chinese for the office. Do you like Chinese?
Well, the market tends to lean more towards Japanese girls ... oh wait, you meant food.
I love this man.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
Wow, how long as it even been, Mandy? Five, six years you've worked for me?
It'll be six years this September, Bob.
I've always liked working for you. You're funny and very talented, and you give your actresses the respect they deserve.
As a matter of fact, I've often wondered if our professional friendship could be something more, I don't know, intimate. Or romantic.
Hmm. Romantic intimacy. I like it. Work the female market a bit more, we've been neglecting that a bit. Any ideas for a title?
How about: "Robert Scratchit, One of Your Actresses Is Madly in Love With You and You're Too Dense to Realise It?"

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
... and you're saying that whoever this guy is, he has no idea that you like him.
Yeah. Any advice for attracting men?
You mean from me to you? The darling of the Fuckslut franchise for five years?
Give me a break. Fuckslut is hardly a paragon of romantic attraction.

 

by Ultamatom
8-09-06
You see, Ellen, Japanese schoolgirl bukkake is an art form. I am the artist; my turgid member the brush; your features the blessed canvas.
With these material tools, together, we can express the truly divine; those ineffable driving forces behind human existence. We answer the questions that science never will.
Ahhh, another masterpiece. I throw my paint in measured jets across my canvas. Truly, I am the Jackson Pollock of porn.
If your balls were any more uneven, you'd be Picasso.

 

by Ultamatom
8-10-06
Hello, I was looking for ...
YOU LOOK NOTHING!!! NOT HERE!!! THIS IS NOT LOOK AND LOOK!!! WE RAPE AND RAPE!!! WE RAPE AND THEN RAPE AGAIN!!!
RARR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Do you ever get the feeling we're the lowest common denominator?
Not really. The kids say what they think is funny, and I make porn out of it.

 

by Ultamatom
8-12-06
New media request, Bob.
Who is it this time?
This is from Christians for Moral Reform. They want to interview you for their evangelical television programme.
Really. What's the theme?
"People Who Are Definitely Going to Hell."
I wonder if this has anything to do with my "Falwell and Phelps" yaoi manga.

 

by Ultamatom
8-12-06
... Mr. Scratchit, your schedule here says you're interviewing CMR on cable television next Monday.
That's right. Why, is there a conflict?
What on earth for? They're obviously not fans of your work.
They invited me to an interview. I accepted. It would be cowardly only to accept interviews from people that I know are going to ask me what I want to hear.
All they'll do is shriek at you and tell you you're going to Hell.
Right, because that's exactly What Jesus Would Do if he met a famous pornographer.

 

by Ultamatom
8-12-06
AND AH SAW THE ANGEL OF THE LAWD-AH! AND THE ANGEL SAID UNTO ME, "ALLELUIA!" CAN I GET AN AMEN-AH?
AMEN, BROTHER HARRY!!!
AND THE ANGEL RAINED DOWN BLESSINS APLENTY UPON MAH WEARIED HEAD, AND TOLD ME: REDEMPTION WAS AT HAND-AH!
HALLELUJAH!!!
Backstage ...
This could only be better if he was yelling in German.
You mean that's English?

 

by Ultamatom
8-12-06
Next on the programme, we have Robert Scratchit, pornographer and certain future denizen of the Ninth Circle of Hell.
Call me Bob, Dave.
Mr. Scratchit, how can you justify spreading Satan's works among Christ's wayward flock?
They keep buying it.
Aha! So you admit that these are works of Satan!
I'm not sure, but if they were I'd have some serious questions for my Christian public.

 

by Ultamatom
8-12-06
But let's be serious, Mr. Scratchit. Really, how can you justify spreading and profitting from this filth?
I already told you: people buy it.
Commodity is the product of necessity. The only reason porn exists is because there's a market for it. My work fills a need, and my sales are testament to its being fulfilled.
The Christian right has some pretty unhealthy and dangerous attitudes to sexuality that leave a lot of people frustrated, repressed and desperate. Paedophile priests are evidence enough for that.
But ...
So really, I should be thanking you for keeping me in business. It's because of insane belief systems like yours that I have work at all.

 

by Ultamatom
8-12-06
What of the disastrous psychological effects and addiction of your customers?
You're destroying community values and profitting from human misery. Not to mention violence against women and children.
Last year I donated one million dollars from my net earnings to women's refuge organisations and a series of state schools.
You ...
Your organisation spent one million backing a campaign for a fundamentalist Christian candidate for governor. And he lost by a landslide.

 

by Ultamatom
8-12-06
But these works are ungodly!
The Bible has references to and sanctions of women being stoned to death, a man impregnating his daughters while drunk, and a dude masturbating onto the ground out of spite.
But that is the inspired word of God!
Yeah, God writes really bad porn.
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES - PLEASE STAND BY

 

by Ultamatom
8-17-06
The website says "Mr. Scratchit's interview was cut short due to technical difficulties."
They actually cut him off, but he let it slide.
Extremist Christians like that give the rest of us a really bad name. So many of them were brought up thinking such stupid things.
It's different when you've converted out of active gratitude to God for saving you when you were in a tight spot.
You got your nutsack caught in the paper intake for the photocopier.
Hey, all I'm saying is it was unusually lucky that the cleaning woman did an extra round that night.

 

by Ultamatom
8-17-06
Whither goest thou, comely wench? Hath the hour grown already so tardy?
Verily, noble Sir, it doth behove me to return to my place of labour.
Pah! We'll have none of that. Thy labour henceforth shall be genuflection, to wit, for the receipt of my lascivious will.
I kneel to receive thy seminal blessing, m'lord.
I don't think this is going to fly with the Globe Theatre.
Stop letting him write the scripts. It's hard to read a dictionary with semen in your eyes.

 

by Ultamatom
8-17-06
You see, Monsieur Scratchit, ze madamoiselle ees so smitten with zees young man, she must find a way to declare her love for heem.
Alors, in zees scene, she has coated ze walls of ze apartment with her blood menstruale.
You're fired, André.
Quoi?! Vous americains! You have no understanding of l'art vrai pornographique!

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
Do you ever stop to think just how far we've come?
I mean, I'm sure I remember hitting the far wall from here ...
I almost got that far once, but Mandy's face got in the way.

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
Mr. Steam, what's your real name? You're even Darren Steam on your driver's license. Surely it isn't on your birth certificate?
Well no, actually I'm Polish. I changed my name when I moved to America for college.
Oh yeah? What's your real name?
Sergeinlvinklristzof Najcharakterystyczniejszego.
Wow. That's quite a mouthful.
Yes. Speaking of which, I think the set is ready for Scene 8.

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
So you're smitten with Bob, and he won't pick up on your hints? And you can't tell him straight out?
Ooh, no, I'd seem like a total slut.
... No, it's way too easy.
Alice?

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
Listen, Bruce. I'm fed up with you suddenly bursting into tears in the middle of a shoot. It's bad porn if someone is crying.
I just can't take all the fursecution! It obstructs my artistic vision! I thought you were my friend!
Bob, I ...
Kid, take it from me, there are very few real friendships in this business, and there's no love in it. If you need a friend, get a dog.
:,(
And whether you want to love that as well is none of my business. Yes, Mandy? ... Mandy?

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
Do come out, Mandy. There's no need to stay in there. What's the matter?
Nothing. *sniff* I'm fine.
You've been blubbing audibly for the past ten minutes. Come out, dear, and tell old Darren what happened.
I'll be OK. I think maybe there's just something in my eye.
Should I guess what it is?
Please don't.

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
I've known Robert a long time, and I know he's very fond of you. But he's just so focussed on his work. He doesn't even let himself consider that kind of thing.
Why not?
Psychologists call it desensitisation. After watching people fuck for hours on end on camera, it looks pretty artificial and hollow no matter what the context. It's the one valid criticism of porn.
Robert enjoys his work and he knows that sincere feelings of attraction to anyone would likely complicate it, let alone feelings for one of his most respected actresses.
Besides, you're a little tall for him.
Yeah, and he already knows all my signature moves.

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
Back a bit ... to the left ... OK, hold it ...
If you pull this off, I am adding a zero to your next paycheck.

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
Take off the suit, Bruce. You don't need to wear it at home. You know that it makes Dad really upset.
No! Stop challenging my way of life! You don't understand me!
God, whatever. I'll bring your dinner down to the basement when Mom's done cooking it. I'm going back to my apartment after dinner.
Tell her no pepper! It offends my delicate artistic sensibilities!
<BuckBunny> Why does nobody like me, FurryFox? Only you understand me.
<FurryFox> their all phillistines, buckbunny. now concentrate lol. I slowly stroke ur ears ...

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
Hello, Brucey, did you have a good day at work? I made you some - OH DEAR LORD NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dammit, MOTHER! I told you to knock!
What ... what the hell is that on your screen?! Turn some lights on down there!
It's Jeremy Bernal's work, mom! He's a true artist!
*sob* Oh lord, I knew I should never have homeschooled you. Let alone carried you for NINE WHOLE MONTHS
RABBITS ONLY GESTATE FOR 28 DAYS, MOTHER! WE ARE THE SUPERIOR SPECIES!

 

by Ultamatom
8-18-06
I caught our son masturbating to internet animal porn as I was bringing him dinner today.
Uh-huh.
It's horrible. He doesn't look after himself, he has a terrible job, and even his sister won't talk to him when she can avoid it. And they're both porn stars! Our children!
Uh-huh.
Damn you, Boorite, are you even listening to me?!
Uh-huh.

 

by Ultamatom
10-28-06
<BuckBunny> ... and she interrupted my lapine onanism! I tell you, FurryFox, we are being targeted here!
<FurryFox> i no its awful lol!!1 =o.O= let a girl comfort u *mrrr*
<BuckBunny> You understand me, FurryFox. You're a true friend. You're the only woman who ever understands me! *cries*
<FurryFox> yeh lol shhh it's ok do u want 2 yiff ^.^;
<BuckBunny> ok im stroikng my rabit cokc
If there's more to life than messing with furries' heads, I don't know what it is.

 

by Ultamatom
10-28-06
You're not your usual spry self, Ellen. Something on your mind?
You could say that.
My older brother is the saddest case of a human being you ever saw in your life. He's 25 next birthday, and he doesn't have a real friend in the world. Bob's going to fire him today.
When he's not working here he's eating burgers at the Eat'n'Get Out on the corner, or jerking his greasy little dick to online furry porn. And he reduces my mother to tears.
Maybe your dad should talk to him.
My dad got PTSD and a nervous twitch in Vietnam. Last night he was cleaning his guns in the basement, and he asked me if it was legal to abort a kid at 307 months.

 

by Ultamatom
10-28-06
... so that's it, Bruce. You're defiant, generally unpleasant, and you smell bad. We've given you enough chances to shape up. Clear out your locker by noon.
You're fursecuting me! You're worse than Hitler! This is just like the Holocaust! You Nazi!
... listen, you conceited, fat, greasy little fuck. I'm Polish, and my father was in Auschwitz through 1944. Give me one good reason I shouldn't kick you in the teeth for that.
I've never seen a rabbit run that fast.
He's just lucky I didn't bring my .22.

 

by Ultamatom
10-28-06
They fired me, Dickmouse.
I know, BuckBunny. Your sister called me and told me you'd probably come over. Come on in and have a drink.
She's mundane. She doesn't understand me, either. Everyone's against me. Especially Bob. And FurryFox turned out to be a guy ...
Ahhh, don't worry about it. What'll you have? I'm out of carrot juice.
How come you don't wear your suit during the day?
Because I got beaten up enough in high school.

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