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Dramatis Personae
Andy Dougan film critic extraordinaire. Enjoys illegal pornography and biscuits.
Russell Crowe actor and poet. Husband to a trophy wife. Father to a trophy son.
Huw Edwards BBC news anchor. The Hunky Face of Teatime®.
George W. Bush President. Defended the whorehouses of Houston from the Viet Cong.
Christian Slater certifiable actor. The id to Crowe's ego.
Osama and Mullah Omar fugitives. Kandahar's answer to Bert and Ernie.


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by andydougan
John Smeaton, the bravest man alive
So these terrorists are comin at us wi fuckin petrol boambs. An ah'm like, ah'm no havin this, an ah fuckin set aboot thum, know?
Ah booted that cunt's cunt so hard ma fuckin Achilles tendon snapped. Now thae cunts know no ae fuckin mess! Yas!
I've never been north of the Chilterns, so I have no idea what you just said. But this'll have to do. I have a baccarat game in half an hour.
At least we know that we are a strong people who will not be cowed by such craven acts.
Next: we were going to show Die Hard 2, but that's got airports blowing up so it might make our viewers cry. Here's Fried Green Tomatoes instead.
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