All comics by malraux

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by malraux
3-18-01
Man, some of these comics stink...

 

by malraux
3-18-01
Don't you love web stuff that doesn't work in anything other than Internet Explorer?
Yeah. Makes me long for when everything is Microsoft.
Yep. That way, we won't have to bother thinking about what we use.
Somone else's job. That's the best way.
All Hail Bill!
God help me. It's getting hard to tell who's joking these days...

 

by malraux
3-18-01
Our Fearless Narrator[tm] discovers that this web site actually DOES work... in Internet Explorer!
Awesome!
Yeah... uh, pretty cool.
Well, now that we've been talking a while... I think it's OK for me to reveal the true nature of Bill's Minions...
Uh oh... here it comes. I picked the wrong day to start sniffing glue again...
For sufficiently wierd values of "work"...
All Hail Bill! Klaatu Barada Ballmer!
All right... someone's been messing with my .Xresources again... please, let that be it...

 

by malraux
3-18-01
Young Ted is discovering what being a Linux user in a Microsoft world REALLY means...
Ah-ha! You have failed to assume your VisualActiveMinion form!
Well, uh... I installed Norton yesterday. I think there's a DLL conflict...
We'll see about that! Where's your Certificate of Authenticity?
Here's where it gets tricky...
High bower trumps ace...
I don't remember seeing this in the EULA...
I'm on a mission from Leviathan.

 

by malraux
3-18-01
The Minion Of Bill [tm] finds out that There Are Some Things He Wots Not Of...
All Hail Bil... er, Eris!
Linu... Er, Leviathan sent me on a mission. You have been called to help.
I have to clear this with Bill first, though. I mean, with looks like that, you might as well just be some flack from Edelman, you know.
This guy is going to be tough to crack...
And the prophecy is confirmed!
Just as was bespoken in the First Book of Holy Extinguishers! He IS the Kwhistler Hardreboot!
I have the secret password: Seineew era sreenigne epacsten!

 

by malraux
3-18-01
Gnuthulu attempts to trick the tricksters...
Your first mission: install this innocent-looking, um, ActiveX control on the main Microscoff firewall!
All Hail Eris! But... this doesn't use InstallShield...
It's InstallShield... just look at the side of the box.
The Minion spies a snake in the grass...
It says here, "BeOpen, Inc."
Um, yeah... amazing, some of these corporate mergers these days...

 

by malraux
3-18-01
And the Dirty Deed is Done!
I installed that software on the firewall for you, great Gnuthulu....
You have been a good Minion. Here's a Baby Ruth. You... you've earned it.
Funny thing, though. I heard the admin screaming something about Solitaire not working while I snuck out...
That is a side effect of Leviathan's plan. Bill is aware of your concern.
(Dirt cheap, too...)
Are you SURE this is Ballmer Approved[tm]? I mean... don't those servers need DirectX?
All your game are belong to us... heh heh heh...

 

by malraux
3-18-01
After Microscoff's network is down for the third day, the Minion gets suspicious...
I don't understand it... the server farm is in ruins... why?
Gotta think fast...
You see, we had to upgrade the DirectX drivers, or the firewall wouldn't be able to screen for the Melissa virus...
Well, it works for the PHBs...
But without their joysticks, the admins don't have a chance...
Yeah, network security's a bitch, ain't it?

 

by malraux
3-19-01
Another slow night on the talent circuit...
Let's hear it for Janey The Irish Clog Dancer. Next up, it's time for a little wild music, with Cthulu and the Leviathans!

 

by malraux
3-19-01
Back at the talent show...
Put your appendages together for Cthulu and the Leviathans!
*clap* *clap*
'Cause I'm a big rock star, and I'm makin' lots of money!
danana, danana, duh duh dah!
Tough crowd...
Funny, that song always slays them back home.
*boo* *hiss* (Hey, I thought this was gonna be the Blue Men Group?!?)

 

by malraux
3-19-01
Death is a stand-up kind of guy...
So this duck walks into a bar...
*chirp* *chirp*
You suck, Death. Don't quitcher day job.
You live at 23 Mathom Road. Your name is Julian Smith. You have a hairy back, athlete's foot, and I can give that coronary disease a few years' tweak if you like...
Uh... got any more duck jokes...?

 

by malraux
3-19-01
What's the difference between sand and afterbirth?
Wait for it...
Now THAT was worth it, eh?
You can't gargle sand.

 

by malraux
3-19-01
The question: what ELSE can't you do with sand that you can do with afterbirth?
Like, play frisbee, man.
We hang them up until they're dry. They make great loofa sponges...
Spam, eggs, spam, bacon, afterbirth and spam?
I'm thinking, "Acrylic Paperweight"... but I guess you can use sand for that too...
Let's go out on a moral high note...
Two words: "Meat Helmet"
Good answers... I wish this show had been on last week. I could have used the advice...

 

by malraux
3-19-01
Laaaa... la laa laa laa...
We can be like they are... come on baby...
Ridiculously obvious, but hey...
Don't fear the Reaper!

 

by malraux
3-19-01
Business has been slow lately...
Damn right. You're short your quota this year.
Well, I had a good thing going with that Bosnian thing, but those rotten airbags are getting me down.
I could always through a plague or two your way. You know, scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Last time you did that, the Big Guy had to cut his vacation short to sort them all out.
You'd think he'd learn that Universal Forwarding isn't everything Sprint says it is.

 

by malraux
3-19-01
Not everyone's bearish on dot coms...
So did you hear about God's latest venture?
What now?
He wants in on the dispensation of Graces and absolution. He registered "onestopwithpop.com" yesterday.
Trying to disintermediate again, eh?
Of course, there will be casualties along the way...
Gah! He cut the commissions AGAIN! How am I supposed to make anything on rosaries and wafers??
I kept telling you that the VCs weren't buying that whole "bricks'n'clicks" line you tried to sell them.

 

by malraux
3-19-01
Nick has a question for Cthulu
All right, go ahead.
How many Cthulus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know. How many Cthulus DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hell if I know. Why do you think I was asking you?
Although it does sound like it might be fun...
No wonder they call them the "Old Ones". They've all got Alzheimers...

 

by malraux
3-20-01
Two cowboys on the cattle drive, unwinding after a long day's ride.
Oh my darlin'
Oh my darlin'
Oh my darlin' Clementine!
Oh I wish you'd take a shower.
I can smell you...
... through the grime.

 

by malraux
3-20-01
So, the Pony is in the shop again. I threw a rod chasing down an "appointment" in a Porsche. I miss my horse.
Again? You have the worst luck with that Mustang. What're you doing for work?
Well, I've been taking the bus to my "appointments". No one in NY gives you a second glance, though.
So you and the other guys...?
5th street stop: 1:35 pm Armageddon: 1:40 pm
Yeah. The three horseman and the Metro Pass user of the Apocalypse. Scary, huh?
Not exactly awe inspiring.

 

by malraux
3-20-01
I'm just a gigolo! And everwhere I go, people know the part I'm playin'!
When the end comes I know, they'll say "just a gigolo". Life goes on -- without me!
Sing along, you know the words.
'Cause... Iiii-iii... ain't... got... no... bahhahah-day!

 

by malraux
3-21-01
Saturday morning in Clayton's Music Store..
What happened here? This place looks like a tornado hit.
Someone broke in last night and stole all the guitars.
Bastards! Rotten, thieving bastards... so this means...?
Yeah... I'm afraid so...
So what DOES it mean? Let's check our bandit as he escapes...
Heh heh heh... all your bass are belong to us!

 

by malraux
3-21-01
The DNR catches up to a poacher well over his limit...
This is the DNR! Cut your engine and hold fast for boarding!
Aw, crap. I'm 15 largemouth over the limit!
... and realization sinks in...
Drop anchor and heave to, you rotten poacher!
They'll probably impound the boat AND my catch!
... that this is just that same tired old joke...
That's right! All your bass are belong to us!
Maybe they'll just kill me instead... that might be better...

 

by malraux
3-21-01
I'll bet you're tired of seeing us on plain white backgrounds.
The apathy is amazing.
Well, if you think YOU have it bad...
Imagine being the default characters that all the lazy losers pick for their juvenile "jokes"...
We thought this job would be *less* work than our last job...
... working for Nike.

 

by malraux
3-21-01
So what is it with you and that grin of yours, Professor? You look like you've had a sixpack of Jolt...
Think... think... think... think...
Are you on speed or something?
Must... tell... the... truth...
Come on, man, spill it!
I glued my teeth together?

 

by malraux
3-21-01
Roger still can't figure out Doc Smiley...
No, really, quit screwing around. Why do you always smile like that?
What to say... what to say...
Well?
Well, I was doing this genetic therapy experiment on myself, and in walk Marty Feldman and Mick Jagger at exactly the wrong time...

 

by malraux
3-21-01
Artificial Intelligence at last! Two AI friends meet in person for the first time...
They've waited so long... what to say to an old but new friend? Both are extremely sophisticated machines with nearly limitless resources, but beginning a simple conversation eludes them...
So much for not limiting recursion depth...

 

by malraux
3-22-01
Ah, the bright, plucky spirit of youth...
Face it, tube boy. In a few years, your kind will be toast.
...., ... .. .... ..... .. ..., ...
Static, pre-programmed entertainment is passe. If you don't have a mouse and a hard drive, you're just so much old news.
... ...... . .... ..., ... .. .... .
Bright, plucky, and carrying a ridiculous PE ratio......
Nothing to say? Figured as much. Your kind is dead.
And in other news, the NASDAQ continues to fall, having lost half its previous value this year alone. Meanwhile, media giant Time-Warner recorded record profits...

 

by malraux
3-22-01
(OK, OK, I know this isn't how shareholder voting really works...)
OK, Greg, thanks for the SEC update. Now, on to the shareholder proposals...
Item #1, from Roscoe L. Wilbur: uh.... let's see... "Visual Active Farm Animal... With 3-D sheep designer..." Uh, Mr. Wilbur... are you in the audience?
Where "shorting stock" involves more cattle than capital...
Heh, good one, Roscoe. I think they might go for it.
Yep, jes' wait 'til they read th' part about th' point-n-cluck int'rface!

 

by malraux
3-24-01
My son Duncan tries his hand at making comics..
I've lost my killer robot. Is he over there?
Ahhh! Over where?
I don't know. He got away.
What do you think he's doing now?
Have you seen the President? I want to give him some advice on how to get his dad to do all the work.
I thought he already did...

 

by malraux
3-24-01
On a barren, wasted Earth in the 23rd century, the only creatures left roaming are Man's own progeny, the robots. Searching aimlessy, lonely for the guidance of their lost masters, they slowly begin t
*brzzzzt* What are you?
I am your destiny, little metal creature. Touch me, feel my warmth, know my forbidden knowledge.
The more things change...
*brzzzzt* Er, aren't you supposed to be giving me an apple or something like that instead?
Well, I might be able to grub up a can of oil or two... just give us a touch, please?

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