Dial C for Contest by kaufman 4-09-03

Hello, guess what? I made the big time. Yes, they made a comic contest in my honor. Huh? Oh, it's this online thing where people make up comics and try to be the funniest. And this week, they're all about ME! What? WHO AM I? I'm your son. Your only one. Yes, you have one ... Hello? Hello?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC 180: Kaufmania, Part 1 by deucepm 4-09-03

Hmmm... Hey, you wanna stab some stuff? I'm really in the mood to stab some stuff. Spring is in the air, you know? Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute. I just need to come up with something about Kaufman for this contest. Oh, I can help you out with that. I'm a big fan of his. Are you? Hell yeah. Lloyd Kaufman's a genius! Anyone who could create The Toxic Avengers goes on my demigod list.

CC 180: Kaufmania, Part 2 by deucepm 4-09-03

Not Lloyd Kaufman, you filthy jackanapes, KEN Kaufman, stripcreator's resident wacky punster. Oh, yeah, him. Uh...didn't you already do a bunch of strips about him? Why, yes. Yes, I did. The "Hard Sell" series. Ah, those were the days. They sure were the days...OF OUR LIVES! ...what was that? A pun. That was a pun, right? I thought when you yelled something really loud in a wacky voice it was a pun.

CC 180: Kaufmania, Part 3 by deucepm 4-09-03

No, strictly speaking, that's not a pun. A pun is- I know, I know. "The usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound." Right. So, say, if we were to do a long series of strips starring Kaufman called "MURDER ON THE ORIENTEERING EXPRESS," that would be a pun. But we're not gonna do that, right? Shit, no. Good, because I'm not growing that handlebar moustache again.

CC 180: Kaufmania, Part 4 by deucepm 4-09-03

Okay. I've got a great idea. Will it feature Kaufman? Yes. Will it feature a pun so foul that my anus will weep liquid shit? Yes. Good. Well, relatively good.

CC 180: Kaufmania, Part 5 by deucepm 4-09-03

All right, sir, we're almost done with your physical. Now, please turn your head and perform a sudden explosion of oxygen. Uh...what? You know...suddenly expel air from your lungs with a cacophanous noise. Beg your pardon? COUGH, MAN! Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

[Click to view comic: 'CC 180: Kaufmania, Part 6']

The Hard Sell was classic. It should rise from the grave to win this contest.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

CC180: Ghey pr0n by Aero_God 4-09-03

...and that is how you learn to make intelligent puns. Just like me. Why are you watching gay porn? I dont wanna be Kaufman anymore.

Punfight At The So-So Corral by umfumdisi 4-09-03

The anxious spectators kicked up dust while jostling for prime position to see THE DUEL. The dust rose and mingled breifly with the rusty haze of the dying sunlight. As the dust settled, a buzz arose. The sharp whispers and general grumble did not concern the two contestants. On one side stood the challenger--The Punder From Down Under! His foe? The Fastest Pun in the West--Kid Kaufman. A hush fell over the crowd. Luckily, it was a small hush and no one was injured. Well, no one except for the Punder from Down Under whose initial shot was way off target... Jumbo Shrimp. That's no pun--what an Aussie moron!

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

A Kaufman in the Hand... by not_Scyess 4-10-03

Kaufman meets with President Bush in early 2003. Yep. I'm thinkin' we should attack Iraq. A rack of what? A rack of lamb? That should be a pretty easy target. Late March, 2003, Iraq Yesterday Haven't you ever heard of a pun? Oh, yep. That's when they've got too much yardage to gain in the 4th down so they decide to kick.

...is Worth Two Comics Involving George Bush by not_Scyess 4-10-03

What if he pronounced it differently? Yep. I'm thinkin' we should attack Iraq. Attack a rock? That sounds painful; don't use your bare hands. Not much difference, I guess. Haven't you ever heard of a pun? Sure! Didn't you hear my press conference? "We unleash our righteous fury apun this ruthless dictator."

...or Three by not_Scyess 4-10-03

In yet another alternate reality... Yep. I'm thinkin' we should attack France. You probably shouldn't do that. Moments later, in France Wait a minute... I sense there was supposed to be a pun here somewhere... A pun? You mean one of those things you tie around yourself so you don't get food on yourself while barbequing?

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

Apple a day.... by TheGovernor 4-10-03

George Mason University Health and Wellness Center, Fairfax Campus Ok, stick out your tongue, and cough for me please *ack* Come on, try harder, I need you to COUGH Man! Sorry Doctor, *cough* You Called? *Sigh* I didnt see that one coming

It's that time.
I'm only going to list my 5 favorites. If yours isn't on this list, that is because it was number 6. Honest!

The following comic appealed not only to my ego, but to my woefully flawed sense of scale.
The only problem is that ever since it was posted, Andy Dougan won't stop calling me.

CC 180: Even though your probably not a black guy. by Aero_God 4-07-03

So, itsclark. You think you can steal my ideas and use them to win comic competitions, DO YOU? Yes I do infact You dont wanna mess with me man! I have a Ph.D thingamajig in Information Technology from George Mason University! Ha! I have a Ph.D too. ...... ...a Pretty huge Dick.

This next comic had intrigue, drama, and suspense!
Kaufman should really consider letting you punch up his website a little.

CC 180: When plagiarism became a real pain in the ass... by jes_lawson 4-08-03

Int: 2nd International Conference on Knowledge Discovery and Data Mining. 1996. An underfunded college researcher makes his case. ... and that's how we think data mining can be exploited to improve machine learning. Interested? Dr Kaufman! Could this framework be used to teach giant autonomous robots to commit baseless acts of sodomy? Uhh, yes, all the information is there but we'll need more money before we can... Hey! Dr Tobor! Wait!... That's all I needed to know. I'll just "borrow" a copy of your paper... ++What did they say, Daddy?++ Were you like a humourous bell? ++ Did you get the fun-ding?++ No, Punbot. I'm afraid if I'm to pay the bills I'll have to download your humour subroutines and sell your body like so many cheap Asian girl jokes...

This next effort is one of several shameless attempts by Professor Funnypants to appeal to my sense of pity.
Nearly worked, too.

Dial C for Contest by kaufman 4-09-03

Hello, guess what? I made the big time. Yes, they made a comic contest in my honor. Huh? Oh, it's this online thing where people make up comics and try to be the funniest. And this week, they're all about ME! What? WHO AM I? I'm your son. Your only one. Yes, you have one ... Hello? Hello?

Here's one that has a nice beat and you can dance to it.
I hadn't planned to go with an onslaught of puns but this one nearly wore down my resolve.

CC180: Some things Kaufman would say by maddog00 4-07-03

To some, marriage is a word...to others-a sentence. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall. Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated Are puns for children or groan ups? You would think that this would get old.

This final comic made me feel dirty and ashamed in a very special way.
It's also thoughtful and insightful, for those of you who get off on that sort of thing instead.

CC180: This is kind of creepy... by mmyers 4-08-03

Kaufman likes"orienteering"? What does that even mean? He's in MENSA and he has several pets. He has a PhD in IT. What i find to be creepy about the internet is that you can find all sorts of info out about people you don't know... Quit stairing at ME!

So congratulations to MMYERS. Honestly, it was a tough choice, with more fine comics than I have time to comment on. You can all take pride in ect. and so on.

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"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

quote:

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This next comic had intrigue, drama, and suspense!
Kaufman should really consider letting you punch up his website a little.

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quote:

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This next comic had intrigue, drama, and suspense!
Kaufman should really consider letting you punch up his website a little.

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quote:

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This next comic had intrigue, drama, and suspense!
Kaufman should really consider letting you punch up his website a little.

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Ooh, Jes just inspired me to do this strip:

IJCAI-89 Workshop on Knowledge Discovery in Databases by kramer_vs_kramer 4-10-03

So, what seems to be the problem? Mittens here has been a bit frisky, recently. Can you see if there's anything wrong? Good grief! This feline has an extra eyeball on it's back! And she appears to have a tax return forcibly inserted in her rectum. Ah, yes. That may be my fault. Really? Well, the form did say it had to be completed in triple eye cat.

Basil Fawlty

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Hot dog!
This is the acceptance speech where I should say everything that I didn't in the first one. First off, everyone is too funny on this site and make my days of data entry go much faster and better. Second, i don't know Kaufman but I feel much closer to him now that i know secret details from his life. Third, i'll try to make up a better contest than I did last time.

Many thanks,
Matt

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

This CC will give me nightmares.

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dcomposed:11-06-05: If I was a viking invading your village, you'd be the first to get raped.
Crabby: 10/5/06: i would love to feed you fresh fruit while bathing you.