Somehow I ended up with seven...

Marlowe Is A Pouf (intro) by umfumdisi 5-18-03

Cannabis Personae: [Philip Marlowe--A Big Pouf] Boney Ard--A Skulle] [Simon--A Younge Lad] [King Arthur's Ghost--A Spirit] [Marlo Marlowe--Philip's Sister] Fjord Fairlane--King of Iceland]

Marlowe Is A Pouf (Act I) by umfumdisi 5-18-03

Exposition: At beck and call I enter here, to ask ye all to lend an ear, this horse's tale is off the hoof, but explains for once why Phil's a pouf... Scene 1--A Pub Welcome, I am ARTHUR, King of The Britons! May I take your order? Hail, Arthur, I am Fjord Fairlane--King of Iceland!! I'll have the Fish Platter and a pint. A wise choice, King Fjord. Would you like chips with that? No, I prefer cubes.

Marlowe Is A Pouf (Act I, Scene 2) by umfumdisi 5-18-03

Scene 2--Marlowe Manor Gretings and Grace, your frigidity, I am Lady Marlowe. You are a smooth and creamy hostess--ho-ho! However, I should like to retire as I'm all bjorked-out from my voyage. 'Twould please you to use my brother's chamber? He is not due back from Worchestershire 'til this hour the morrow. I greatly adppreciate your host-ility. I pray your brother is equally kind. [sotto vocce] I assure you that Philip would gladly share his bed with any man. [vox humana] Good night, my lord.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Marlowe Is A Pouf (Entr'Act and Act II) by umfumdisi 5-18-03

Intermission: me ears is bleedin'--what a dis, an't came from the mouth of Phil's own sis. what a pouf Sir Marlowe be! Act II, Scene 1: Marlowe's bedroom that same night. Hamlet, if thou didst ever thy dear father love,--revenge his foul and most unnatural murder. Arthur, is that YOU? Fjord? I-I'm so sorry. I must be in the wrong theatre. Sorry. Damned English spirits.

Marlowe Is A Pouf (Act II, Scene 2) by umfumdisi 5-18-03

Yes, it's still the bedroom and it's still dark, but it's somewhat later and now Marlowe enters... Damn those salty Worchestershirians! Not a soft cheek among the whole man-Bruce of 'em. At least I've got me soft pillows to cry into.....'Allo, what's all this then! Zzzzz My dear Sis has left me a present. He's a little cold and stubbly, but what th'ell. Egads! Lady Marlowe is all up in mah bizznezzz. Land of the Midnight Sun! Lady Marlowe, you are the sweetest hostess...Ding Dong?

Marlowe Is A Pouf (Act III) by umfumdisi 5-18-03

I'm so sorry, sir, I thought you were my boy--uh, my stable--uh, my busty lover Chantelle. Well, one, I'm not busty, and, two, I'm King Fjord of Iceland. Ah, so that's why I got the "cold shoulder." You're a git.

Marlowe Is A Pouf (Act III and Curtain) by umfumdisi 5-19-03

Scene 2--The Manor again I'm so dreadfully sorry about my brother. Is there ANYTHING I can say to keep you from leaving? Nothing you say will erase the humiliation from my face nor the horror from my memory. I must return home before my shame becomes any greater. Goodbye. Scene 3--A Ship So you told your family you were going to Greece? Totally, Fjordy-baby. I'm all yours for six months. Why don't we make like seamen and swab your deck!?! Epilogue... And so they set upon the sea, adrift in bliss fraternally, and so we thought the King had pouted, but in the end Marlowe was outed. Good night.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Okay, here's something a little more... juicy?

William Shakespeare's "Bitch, Where's My Money?" Pt. 1 by UnknownEric 5-19-03

Alas, young harlot, have thee my dosh? Nay, vile pimp. I used my earnings to pay for my father's kidney stone operation. Ah! Heatheness! 50% of those earnings were to be mine! We had a contract! I thought you would react thusly. Therefore, before I confronted you, I killed your partner, Yorick. You... blech... what??? You killed Yorick??? Do the words "autoerotic asphyxiation" mean anything to you?

William Shakespeare's "Bitch, Where's My Money?" Pt. 2 by UnknownEric 5-19-03

I... I just can't believe you murdered my best friend and business partner! Hey, all's fair in whoring and war. What did you do with the body? Well, I have his skeleton right here. Hang on. *Sigh* Poor Yorick. MOH!

William Shakespeare's "Bitch, Where's My Money?" Pt. 3 by UnknownEric 5-19-03

Alas, poor Yorick, I knew thee well. Someday I hope to join thee again, in the afterworld, where all of our pleasures shall be ours for eternity. Pleasures? Like what? *psst psst psst* You sick bastard.

William Shakespeare's "Bitch, Where's My Money?" Pt. 4 by UnknownEric 5-19-03

Now, you who are unfit for any place but hell, it is your turn to get your just desserts. Wait! I've learned my lesson, m'lady. I shall never pimp again. You are free from my grasp. Ah, you have come to your senses. Fair thee well, young Spamlet. Then, since this is Shakespeare, everybody died. *plop* *plop*

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I has a flavor!

The Question Part 1 by drunkenboat 5-19-03

To pee, or not to pee: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the pants to suffer the tingling burbles of a raging bladder, or to take arm against a sea of urine and by releasing end it? To drain: to leak;

The Question Part 2 by drunkenboat 5-19-03

To leak: perchance to fart... Ay, there's the rub! For in that breath of ass what things may come. Will I have shuffled off a mortal coil, moist in my pants?

The Question Part 3 by drunkenboat 5-19-03

Shit, I gotta go. Fuck it. Psssssssss... Ah...

The Question Part 4 by drunkenboat 5-19-03

Psssssssss... Psssssssss... Psssssssss...

The Question Part 5 by drunkenboat 5-19-03

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Thus does our shit make cowards of us all? Our hero is sicklied o'er by the pale crust of shit. There is more shit in heaven and earth... What a piece of shit is a man...

[Click to view comic: 'The Question Part 6--The End, or Damnshit Part 6--The End']

By popular demand: An all-new R&G Adventure!

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Abducted by Aliens (Part 1) by kaufman 5-20-03

What now in miserable spate of existence, a mirror'd duo of nowhere men devoid e'er of meaning. And yet to by the Prince be deport onto senseless demise. Verily, 'tis as a whoooooooaa! Indeed.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Abducted By Aliens (part 2) by kaufman 5-20-03

How now, gentle Guildenstern. I feared never again to lay mine eyes once again upon you once the verdant creatures you off escorted. Indeed and likewise, my brother of soul. Methinks we are returned to fair Denmark, duties complete and full of fatigue. Must be you reads me well. My labours of the night leave me in need of rest. But nay, what toil uponst you lay our foreign tripedal hosts? One nonstop exploration of mine innermost nethermosts. An odyssey of mine ilium one might say. But what now of you, facest also probings anal? Nay, in farmland was I required to till concentric arcs comprising eighteen score degrees. But aught were you with me; I fear for you 'twas worst. Fears allayed, fair count'part, for in mine indignities, the dislodgement of one most heinous pebble of kidney, now lying pass'd.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC187: Hamlet 2-The Legend of Curly's Gold by mmyers 5-19-03

Hamlet! Lo, Hamlet, behold, have I been murdered! Father, what ho! Wouldst please thou for me to avenge thine death? No, t'would be unneccesary, but I do have a treasure map. T'will lead you to my gold! Gold, my lord? Go Hamlet, find my lost gold. If you say so.

CC187:Taming of the Shrew, the lawsuits by mmyers 5-20-03

The plaintiff, Katherine. She claims that Petruccio brainwashed her. The defendant, Petruccio. He says that Katherine needed to be calmed down and he did her a favor. Your honor, no one would marry this bitch. I did her a favor. If you call mental abuse a favor, then yeah, you were very helpful. A second lawsuit has been filled against Lucento, for misrepresentation and fraud. Look, your honor, I just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to take my money. You not only lied about who you were, you convinced two other people to do the same. This guy is a manipulater, your honor. Judgement for the plaintiff. Hey, you want to switch clothes and pretend we're each other? Hi-jinx will ensue.

CC187-Hamlet, the first draft by mmyers 5-20-03

Oh, pain, pain and misery. Mine father slain by mine uncle. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right. Hark, who comes? Tis I, Lord Hamlet, the royal physician. It has not gone unnoticed by King Claudius and I your depression. I have brought you Prozac, to ease thy suffering. 'Lo, though I know 'twill not work, still wilt I take it, in hopes I might overdose. Later... Wow, doc, I feel a shitload better. I'm not really obsessed anymore. I can't get upset about anything.

I just got finished doing Hamlet/R&G are Dead, so I'm a little heavy on the Hamlet.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Romeo and Juliet (Rough Draft) by crabby 5-20-03

No way! No daughter of mine is going to be running around with a Montague! That's final! But Daddy I love him! Well in that case it's ok with me.

CC187 - Titania by tobor 5-20-03

RARR! WHAT FOOLS THESE HU-MANS BE! What is foolish about not wanting to get a 1'x1'x7' steel piston rammed into my lower intestine? SILENCE! NOW SHOW TOBOR THE MERCHANDISE! Yessir. BLESS THEE, BOTTOM, BLESS THEE!

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RAAARRR!!!

CC187: King Lear, the sitcom by mmyers 5-21-03

King Lear gives his daughters, Regan and Goneril, an apartment to live in, but with a catch... Thou must split said apartment in half. Also, thou wilt need to get a roommate. Regan suggests the bastard Edmund, but Lear doesn't approve, so Goneril comes up with a plan... We couldst imply thou art a fop! Umm... *music* Come and rap upon our door, take a step that tis new, wherest the kisses art hers and hers and his ... Wilt thou join me, bastard fop, for some mead at the Regal Beagle?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Now I present you comics here with numbers:
146424 1464
26 146428! oh, yeah!

CC 187 Love's Labors Re-won: Act I Scene i by WiLzzt 5-21-03

Two gentlemen meet together on a street in Verona and exchange words. Behold! I spake mine self unto the lad: "Them rotor turbines will not generate / gravITrons by themselves!" Indeed! Ha, ha! Wilt thou not say of what the fuck thou speak'st?

CC 187 Love's Labors Re-won: Act I Scenes ii-vi by WiLzzt 5-21-03

She is in love with him, he not with her; he loves another, who loves yet another. Some Hijinks are for certain on the way, to bring the sunder'd couples back together! Oh, fuck. My goddamn kidney hath a stone. But my Boragio won't pull it out! I've not no fucking pants, self-centered bitch! Think of someone ELSE's problems for once. RAARRR, BY MY TROTH! TOBOR SHALL CORNHOLE THEE! No prob with that, cause my name's pink don kee.

CC 187 Love's Labors Re-won: Act V & Epilogue by WiLzzt 5-21-03

Some wacky shit has happened, you can see. The lovers found their best fits, finally. Oh, God! Oh, Fuck! Oh Fuck yeah, Tobor! Yeah! I'm coming, please! Oh, fuck! Oh fuck! TOBORRRRR!!!!!! THOU ART THE BEST CORNHOLE TOBOR HAS HAD! Half donkey, and half boy. Need we say more? fin And there you have it, folks! Our time is up! We played the rules, and we expect to win! Suck suck, Fi dollah, in-jokes ain't no sin.

The even numbers, careful metric detail
are sure to win me this CC's first prize!
Oh, shit! You mean, the comics must be funny?
Well there's always one-eighty-eight, i guess.

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AIM: HeeeresWiL | RAAR! TOBOR WILL DEFENSTRATE YOU!

Pulp Shakespeare by TheGovernor 5-21-03

Act V Scene I. Hamlet returns to Denmark from England Does thou know the funniest thing about England, Horatio, its the little differences, I mean they haveth the same shit over there they haveth here, but just there its a little different Prey give an Example Alright well thou can walk into a playhouse over there and purchase a beer, and Im not talking about a small vessel, Im talking about a flagon, and you know what they calleth Vienna Bread? They doest nay call it Vienna Bread? Nay, the English call them Danish Pastries!

JUDGEMENT!

Thank you all for entering. I, Chairman Kaga, have found this to be more entertaining than expected. You have all done a fine job of incorporating our theme ingredient, Shakespeare.

My favorite dishes... er.. comics, were: [list]
[*]MaxPayne - Hamlet Gone Wild - Because everyone loves a good ejaculation joke.
[*]itsclark - You Mock Me, Sir - Funny.
[*]kaufman - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Abducted By Aliens - The usual superior work.
[*]Spankling - King George II - Too true.
[*]umfumdisi - Marlowe Is A Pouf - Nicely done all around.
[*]drunkenboat - The Question - Nice first effort. Welcome to the monkey house.
[*]crabby - Romeo and Juliet (Rough Draft) - Simply elegant. Comic perfection.
[*]mmyers - King Lear, the sitcom - Ha!
[/list]

I must choose a winner from these fine entries. You have made my choice difficult. No doubt those of you who spent a lot of time working on your iambic pentameter and kidney stones will plan my painful demise after my decision (but they were optional rules). In the end, I must award this to...

CRABBY

Go to it, man.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Physicists by kaufman 3-14-02

So I said, "Prithee m'lord, yon rotorial turbines in solitary state shall nary a graviton generate." Ha, ha. You realize that Hamlet will have us offed for that, don't you?