Honest, Obi, I planned this one all out before seeing yours. At least you'll be one of the select few who understand it ...

CC 137: Pirates of the Monongahela by kaufman 8-17-02

Call me Pops. I'm the head of this happy family of Pirates. My name is Maz. With one swing of my axe, I captured the biggest ship on the seas back in '60. I'm Dock. When I'm stoned to the gills on hallucinogens, no enemy can lay a hand on me. In this korner is Ralph. I remember everyone I vanquished with my mighty club. They call me Little Poison. One touch from me or my brother Big Poison, and it is usually sayonara! This spot reserved for our missing brother Roberto, a bucanneer with a heart of gold and black, last seen bringing his share of the plunder to families in need down south.

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Seas of Cheese by itsclark 8-17-02

Pirate recruiting interviews: I kin snort lemonade frew my nose! Alas, ye needs be made of sterner stuff than that to join me ruthless band o' cut-throats. Away now, Lass! TOBOR PLUNDER MANY A BOOTY! Fine, fine! Find yourself some quarters with the rest of me hearty crew. I'm a divorce attorney! Back, ye thieving seadog! I've hid me treasure where only the devil and me-self can find it!

---
"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

Boorite is a Butt Pirate by itsclark 8-17-02

Excuse the intrusion, good sir. My crew and I noticed your vessel lay perilously low in the water! We've come to remove the excess weight from your cargo hold and, um, carry it back to port for you. New to piracy? Our swords rusted.

---
"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

Pirate Enterprise by itsclark 8-17-02

Arrr! Listen up me harties! I be your captain, and ye scurvy seadogs be my crew! You've signed on for some hard sailin', but rich plunder awaits those with enough backbone to stay the course! Any questions? I'm confused. Isn't this Modern Business Ethics 101? Aye, that it is Matey! Don't be put off by the lingo.

---
"You'll burn for this. Burn in jail!"

Arr! by fuzzyman 8-17-02

It was nice of you to come along with me on this mineralogical expedition, Drexle! Hey, it's beautiful here in Jamaica! I'm more than happy to be here. So what are we looking for? Well, we're searching for forms of iron sulfide buried deep in the ground. So, you mean we're looking for...? The Pyrites of the Caribbean! Arr!

---
...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

CC 137- Law And Order by BigEvilDan 8-17-02

Prepare to hand over your valuables, you land lovin' pig. Piracy, eh? I'm afraid you're under arrest. Yarr! We be in international waters. Thar be no law upon the sea. Really? In that case, prepare to hand over all your valuables, you one legged parrot fucker.

CC 137: Pirate Tales by BigEvilDan 8-17-02

You snuck in late, you're completely wasted, and you lost your pants. I can't wait to see you talk your way out of this one. I can explain everything, I swear! I was walking down the street when... ...I was cornered by a bloodthirsty pirate! My wallet was in my pants, so I had nothing to give him. He didn't believe me. If you refuse to submit, then you shall face the end of my blade! A duel it is then! Prepare to die, you foul rogue! Wait... the story just started. Why are your pants already missing? I don't remember. It was late, and I was pretty wasted.

---
"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

Actually the title's over my head. Will you fill me in if I call you the Stripcreator Football League's leading pun-ter?

That comic made me think of this non-compliant-so-some-of-you-may-bitch-I-shouldn't-post-it-here-to-which-I-would-respond-I-am-an-individual-damn-you-and-then-moon-your-conformist-progenitors one.

Cub Hall of Famers by ObiJo 8-18-02

Hack Wilson I still hold the Major League record with 190 ribbies in a season. Ernie Banks 512 career homeruns, plus I still hold the National League record with 5 Grand Slams in a season. Steve I'm like "roar!" and he just up and shits all over the picnic basket!

---
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

This one also has absolutely nothing to do with pirates! But at least I'm not dead inside you conformist bastards!

I could, you know. by ObiJo 8-18-02

What if I were to make swiss cheese of this house of yours, using only my ass? What if you were? What if I were! WHAT IF YOU WERE! WHAT IF I WERE!

---
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

quote:

---

Stream of Conscoiusness by ObiJo 8-17-02

I am a pirate. I live in the sea. Wouldn't you like to come play with me. I am a pirate I live on the land. Wouldn't you like to come hold my hand? If in the sea you find yourself, your hand I'd happily hold. If on the land you find yourself, my lawn needs to get mowed. That was kind of a dickish stanza. Mower's in the shed.

Two Bits! by kaufman 8-17-02

...And I'm George Costanza!

---

Three bits, a dollar! by ObiJo 8-18-02

Kennedy, Ted.

You can tell this is fictitious by Ted Kennedy's being the pirate on dry land. (Tell me if that was a low blow and I'll Chappa quit it.)

---
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

At least I pretended to be within the rules with this one...

CC 137: I hate myself by Drexle 8-18-02

Hey ho, Im'e goina Rappe yuo so longe and hrad taht yuo cry seamen! Oh, really? You're going to "Rappe" me? I'm going to cry "seamen?" Yes, I'm gooning too Rappe yuo! Dont yuo undresstand mee bich! Naow unbukcel yuor belt so I cna plaundr yuor boutty wiht my big faat peenes!!! Lemme go over this one more time. You want me to undo my Fatty ARRRRbuckle? So that you can Rappe me? Is that it? Waht aer youo talknig abaut.?

Not very funny, but hopefully it'll be original (I didn't read any of the others so I don't know if this joke was done already) and it manages to fit the guidelines.

CC 137: It has a pirate in it, honest! by Devin 8-19-02

Hi, I'm Devin's CC 137 entry. Wait a minute, you don't look or sound like a pirate. How are you supposed to be a pirate? I, um, use Napster?

It's Iron Comix! The Pirate Battle is o-VAH! And now, the judging.

OTA: Fukui-san! I'm told Big Evil Dan's excellent entries are disqualified because of a longstanding "unwritten rule" of comics contest succession!

FUKUI: Whatever, Ota, you prick.

DUMB CELEBRITY JOCK: Uhh, I thought kaufman's use of puns was real... good, yeah. But I didn't get a lot of them. So... ungh.

BOORITE: I liked the way itsclark's entries referred to ME. That's very important to ME. Excellent!

DUMB CELEBRITY BIMBO: ObiJo's entries were soooooo gooooood! But I don't know much about baseball. *Giggle!*

OLD CRITIC LADY: I'm gonna barf!

DUMB CELEBRITY JOCK: Ha ha ha. Ungghhh, yeah.

OLD CRITIC LADY: evil_d had me laughing out loud right away. "It's an iceberg," "Aaarrrrbonics".... classic comedy with a touch of current events in just the right balance.

FUKUI: ....and a mention goes out to all the other worthy challengers like DexX and israphael and musty... too many to mention here, but there can only be one. Who takes it? Whose comedy reigns supreme?

KAGA: eviiilllllllll ..... D!!!

OBIJO: What? That bastard!

OTA: ObiJo still not happy with runner-up status as victory eludes him by a hair....

So it's evil_d.

Cue the theme music already.

---
What others say about boorite!

Iron Chef Stargell is coming to debone you.

---
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

We are not afraid by ObiJo 8-19-02

We shall overcuh-uh-um. We shall overcuh-uh-um. We shall overcome...some...day! Oh...oh...oh... deep in my heart... I...do...believe... We shall overcome....some...day. Who the hell are you? Next contest's losing entry.

---
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

Arrrrr! Glad I be that I slipped boorite a piece o' me booty before judgin' time!

...I be referrin' to treasure, o' course!

CC138'll be droppin' anchor shortly! Last one aboard's a scurvy dog!

---
The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

And so I'm not a completely self-absorbed yit - Congratulations, _d!

---
I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

evil_d... whatever happened with that auto-magbast plaque? I have a vague memory that I was supposed to provide you with a blank, and then didn't... AM I a slack bastard in this regard?

---
This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Uh... yes. But probably because I disappeared from IRC for a while.

There's still some more work to be done on my end, but after I have the graphic and font files to work with.

---
The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

I thought someone might enjoy this (from Exploding Dog):

---
"Old" is the old new.

That is SO cool.

---
What others say about boorite!

One week to go!

---
ken.kaufman@gmail.com