Here's some stuff I did.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (1) by mmyers 10-23-03

From his humble beginnings as a ne'er-do-well plumber up to his days as an adventurer, one man has tried to do it all on his own terms. Tonight, we take an indepth look at the man, the myth, the legend known simply as Super Mario. We have Mario live from his ranch in Sicily. Mario, how are you? Is-sa theesa thing on? I can see-ah his lips-ah a moving but I-ya can't hear-ah heem. Hello-a? A-moo-ah.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (2) by mmyers 10-23-03

Hello, Mario? Can you hear me now? Ah-hahahaha! Get it? It's like that guy from the commercial? Haha... Yes-ah, Mario can-ah I hear you now. I jussa wanna say thanks fora having me ona. Certainly, certainly. Let's get right to it, shall we? You burst on the scene 22 years ago, making frontpage headlines fighting a big ape. What was that like? Ah, it wasa no bigga deal. Somebody-ah put a big hammersa alla over the factory-ah, I just pickeda them up. But what about the barrels, Mario, then the flaming barrels? Bet you never counted on having to jump and smash those. Wella, I'll admita that that wassa a big surprise. I jumpa wrong and land onna flaming barrel. Doctors saya Mario's chances for childrena, nota so good.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (3) by mmyers 10-23-03

And from that, Mario, for the next 22 years of your life, you've been doing an adventure of some sort, rescuing a princess, gambling, even driving a go-cart. Yesa. It's been a full-a life. In all that time, Mario, any regrets? Ever wished you'd started a family? Retired? I'lla admita, some-a-times it getsa little lonely, you knowa? Too quieta around tha housea? Sometimes I wished I'da spend lessa time being Super and more timea being Mario. *sob**sob* Maybe we should take a commercial break while Super Mario pulls himself back together. No, it'sa OK. Sometimes it's jussa hard being a plumbinga-adventuring-goa-cart drivera. Something gotta give, you know?

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (4) by mmyers 10-23-03

Let's talk about the 80s, Mario. On camera you had everything going your way, left to right, but off-screen it was a different story. Let's talk about your drug problems, Mario. Wella, the 80s werea a hard timea. It seema like everywhere Mario looka, there another gold coin, here another princess, there anothera 1up. And what about the mushrooms, Super Mario? Oh mana, musharooms seemed to be everywhere. I takea one and for awhilea, I feel like a biga man, then something hit me, and I feela small. It wasa viscious cycle And the women, Mario? There werea women everywhere, but ita always feel like,um, how you saya? My princessa always in anothera castle?

E! True Hollwood Story: Super Mario (5) by mmyers 10-23-03

Super Mario, we've got a little blast from the past for you. Now we tried to get Donkey Kong here, but due to his religious convictions, he declined. I haven'ta spoken to him in 15 yearsa, and ita willa be cold day in hella before I do againa. "Instead, we bring you, live from a Carnival Oceanliner, where he is now performing his one chimp show, Donkey Kong Jr." Trent. Mario. It's good to be here. Oop, hold on a sec. Hey titties, grab me a scotch and soda, hold the soda.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (6) by mmyers 10-23-03

Now Donkey Kong Jr., please state your birth name for us. Sure. It's Donkieus Kongstein, the 3rd. Donkey Kong Jr. is just a stage name. At the time, it was hard for a jewish chimp to break into video games. And how old are you now days, DK junior? In chimp years, I'm 22 years old. In human years, I'm 23 years old. I was 4 when the game came out. You had to grow up fast back then, hardly having a childhood. Yeah, back then it was pretty much me and Drew Barrymore partying all the time. I kept on wearing diapers way more years than I care to admit. *sob**sob*

E! True Hollywood Story (7) by mmyers 10-24-03

And junior, what were those early years like for your dad and you? It was hard. Mario was obsessed with Dad, following him everywhere. That'sa monkey shita. He just wanted to hang out with Princess Toadstool and throw some barrels, but you wouldn't let it him. He'd try to hang out in a factory, you'd go there. He'd climb to a different part, so would you. I heara her voicea, "Helpa! Helpa!" Over and over she cry, "Helpa!" I savea her, next thinga I know I got Kong's crazy assa kid throwing bananas at me. Listen dickface, like it says in the bible, "Monkey see, monkey do." Well this monkey fucking did, man.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (8) by mmyers 10-24-03

All right guys, we're getting a little off topic here. Jr, looks like we're about out of time for you but we appreciate your appearing with us. My pleasure, Trent. It's nice to set the record straight. "Murr! Murr-MURR! Meee-Mur, murr-MEEE-mee." All right Mario. We've got another blast from the past for you. Tell me, do you recognize this voice? Hey! That'sa my old pal a-Yoshi. You have presumed correctly old boy, 'tis I, you're old chum and colleague Yoshi.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (9) by mmyers 10-24-03

We appreciate your joining us Yoshi. Where exactly are you right now? Honey, breakfast is ready. I'm having chamomile tea, darling. Sorry Trent. I'm at my domocile, my beach house on the coast of Honalee. Gooda God, Yoshi. Timea hasa ravaged youra once bashfula good looks. Well, old friend, many of us are unable to afford the Botox injections and plastic surgery required to avoid the aging process. Aha-ha-ha.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (10) by mmyers 10-28-03

Yoshi, I can't help but notice that you are not talking in the garble and burbles that you are known for. What gives? Ah yes, the sweet chirping and beeping that I normally employ. The year was 19 and 96. I was fresh out of Juilliard, star struck and looking for a break. I was, shall we say, wet behind the ears. My agent called, telling me of an audition for the sidekick to mario in his next game. I leapt at the opportunity when she told me. Re-enactment They want you to audition, kid. Two questions. Can you drive a go-cart and are you willing to do anal? But of course. Two questions. What's a 'go-cart' and what is 'anal'?

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

E! True Hollywood Story: Super Mario (11) by mmyers 10-29-03

Re-enactment All right fellas, we're going to do a screentest, see how you two look together. We need you guys to improvise a little something. Here's the scene. You're lost, you're scared, you've only got each other to depend on, and the twist is... you're in a blender. ACTION! My senses burn! This blender is whirling me around to and fro' and the blades are coming closer. As I shuffle from this mortal coil, may mine last breath be one of triumph and not fear. Ah cutta! Atell me he-a ain't gonna really talka like that. How am I speaking that bothers you? I can try to speak differently. I can do accents. I was trying to evoke the experience of being trapped in a blender. This isa bullshita. Mario willa be in his trailera. Somebody-ah needs to fetch me a decafa mocha and some Spaghetti-o's.

E! True Hollywood Story (12) by mmyers 10-29-03

And thus, due to Mario's own insecurities, the sophisticated journeyman character of Yoshi became the affable goof Yoshi. I was happy to have steady income, though. And can you tell us the inside story regarding Mario riding around on your back? Yes of course, the "Piggy back incident." Mario was under contract negotiations and began ranting that nowhere did it say that he had to walk around so it was written in that I'd carry him. Degrading. Hey, I hada pulled a musclea in my backa. Looks like we're about out of time, Yoshi. Are there any projects you're working on or things you'd like to plug? My new book 'I'm not Yoshi' comes out Nov 18, I'm in negotiations with the PAX network for a "Kittens are funny" special, I'm performing A Doll's House in New York, and I sell crafts @yoshigifts.com.

E! True Hollywood Story (13) by mmyers 10-29-03

Mario, we're quickly running out of time. As a bit of a wrap up, we've invited some of your contemporaries to say a few words. This is a cut throat business, you know? To his face, Mario and I were always cool, but behind his back, I always wanted to kill him. Respect. Link from Zelda here. Mad props to Mario for staying hip. Mario is always riding the crest. Driving games get hot, Bang! Marios got a driving game out; fight games are hot? He gets one. What's next? Hey dude, Frogger here. Most of us old timers are dead now. Q-Bert OD'd, Pitfall Harry died of a scorpion bite, Spy Hunter: car accident. They chewed us up and spit us out like it was Burger Time. Mario! This isa Luigi, you sumbitch! You throwa me a bonea every few yearsa to be in somea go-cart game and you thinka thats enough to pay me back? The namea on the marquee wasa Mario BROTHERS. You dropa the Brothers but keepa the Mario. You forgota where you comea from, you sumbitch.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Classic stuff! I laughed... and cried... and then laughed some more.

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Destroying my reputation one post at a time.

These are great, the Yoshi ones are tres' well good. The last ones a killer. I loved them all. And was still laughing even though this is the 2nd time I have read some of them.

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

I enjoyed them mmyers, and if we're Mario were around he would of laughed his head off. Too bad I beat him too it and chopped his head off with a slightly sharp, plastic baseball bat. (RIP) Keep up the ass-kicking mmyers! =D

That has to be the best Mario parody ever.... Welcome to my list *<}:o)

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Heavy-Duty *<}:o)

Thanks for the kind words, guys. I'm really into the idea of true stories behind video games right now, only I can't think of what character could be Q-Bert. Glad you enjoyed teh funny.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Great stuff!

My only problem was that Mario's accent made me talk like Father Guido Sarducci all week.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

This isa bullshita. Mario willa be in his trailera.

That is a great line. I'm partial to old videogame strips so this series really manhandled, er tickled my funny bone.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

hey man- this comic is ace, v. funny - but i cant believe you left out King Kooper and Bowser, Toad and princess peach and toadstool, you should pay more attention to mario history :p
lol im just kidding it rocks

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D.D.Z