My old chum Umfumdisi and I are opening up a supermarket with products endorsed by musicians. We invite you to submit some products of your own and come shop and save with us.

Ronnie James Dio-derant © by mmyers 2-17-04

Woe, something definitely doesn't rock in here. Hey man! Don't you think it's about time you tried Ronnie James Dio-derant©! But Ronnie James, how the fuck does it work? Check it out, man. This here is your armpit! Ronnie James Dio-derant© acts as a Holy Diver for your sweat glands! The blue dot is my Dio-derant! Race for the morning! Check it! There's no sign of the sweat pouring, this antipersperant hasn't left you alone, Like a Rainbow in the Dark! Ronnie James Dio© and Ronnie James Dio-derant© are not responsible for this deoderant rocking your face off.

Music Super(star) market- Ozzy Oscal© by mmyers 4-05-04

Myfff bunnnss if'n kull munn brrann. Mnng (unintelligible) oldden ughn. That's right, Ozzy. Growing older is fuckin' hard. It gets fuckin' harder every day. SHARON! Whuz mie bohn thingie?! That's why Ozzy only drinks Ozzy Oscal, to help strength his bones and to give him the energy to face the day. Sing the fuckin' song, Ozzy! [song] Fragile! but that's how it goes! Millions of people, strengthen their bones! Some wounds are hard of healing, but you don't have to feel no shame, going off the rails on an Oscal train! [/song] Ozzy Oscal© , it's fuckin' brilliant! Just because your bones rattle doesn't mean they can't still rock!

Music Super (star) Market- U-Tuna© by mmyers 4-05-04

Hi, I'm Bono©. And I'm the Edge©. We take ourselves very seriously, but there's one thing we take even more seriously than our music and that's our tuna©, the only tuna endorsed by U2©. U-Tuna©. U-Tuna is dolphin safe and guaranteed to be as pretentious as we are©. Oop, I just farted in the water©. You'll love this tuna, even if it doesn't ring true, open up a can and squeeze out the juice. It's a tuna-full day©! We don't let the fish get away©, it's a tuna-full day©! It won't disappoint you, or leave a bad taste in your mouth, You'll act like you've never had some, and you'll want me to do without©. One can...

Music Super (star) Market: Saline Dion by umfumdisi 4-06-04

Bonjour! Celine Dion here to push un autre product. Thees time it is my very own brand! Je might be the first one to tell you thees, but the climate in Las Vegas is tres different than my home dans Quebec. That's why I have developed SALINE DION! A few drops up your nez will leave you dry and clear in no time*. *WARNING: Independent product testing found that Saline Dion is irritating to 90% of the general population.

Music Super (star) Market: SpongeBob Dylanpants Cereal by umfumdisi 4-06-04

Newsie-eezzie frohm da biz bosh moog. Nunga hooba za! Be mob doo. Hi, kids and hippies, I think Bob is trying to announce the release of his new breakfast cereal--SpongeBob Dylanpants. Izza gozza gee mo dah. Inna ohma oprah okra ohyah! Bob says it's great because of the guitar-shaped sweetened corn and the yummy marshmallow sponges. Nay don fahgahbah da zoopah zree! Din namonee mok. And don't forget the special prize free in EVERY box--a Traveling Wilburys CD!

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Music Super (star) Market: Cyndi Loafers by mmyers 4-08-04

I go jog, in the middle of the night, my father says "Those shoes don't support your arches right." Oh daddy dear, you know you're still number 1, but girls, that wanna go run, yeah girls just wanna go run! Hi. I'm Cyndi Lauper. Ya know, you may not have heard of me in the last couple of decades but I keep busy, in fact, I walk and run alot. That's why I made Cyndi Loafers, the shoe for girls who bop. I bop, you bop, she bops, Cyndi Loafers bop. And Cyndi Loafers come in all colors, all the True Colors. Cyndi Loafers support your arches...time after time. Take it from me, Pete Townsend. I need the money.

Music Super (star) Market: Wu-Tang Tang© by mmyers 4-08-04

I'm stirring, drinking, my Tang© should be in violation; drank for more mornings than instant breakfast by Carnation. Me fear no one, oh no, here come, Wu-Tang Tang©, it's good for your tum-tum. And if you want juice, then yo stir the drink up, Wu-Tang Tang© ain't nothing to fuck with. Straight from the mother fucking grocery that's busted, Wu-Tang Tang© and nothing to fuck with. Hyah! Step up boy! Represent! Chop his head off, kid! Hey! Waitaminute! How come there ain't enough room for all of us to fit in this mother fucking comic strip, foo'? Man, there's only three panels and like three black characters in Stripcreator. I blame Brad. He definitely needs to drink his Wu-Tang Tang©.

Music Super (star) Market: DAVID BOWtIE Pasta by umfumdisi 4-12-04

~\ "I'll give you television. I'll give you eyes of blue." /~ I'm watching a commercial ~\ "I'll give pasta shaped like bowties to you." /~ This commercial is making me hungry "Yes, from the Man Who Sold The World, it's DAVID BOWtIE Pasta. Perfect for your Black Tie/White Noise occasion whether you're serving one Space Oddity or a throng of Scary Monsters." I'm not getting all these references

Music Super (star) Market: The Other Other White Meat by umfumdisi 4-12-04

Tired of uninspired meals and fatty fast food? Hey, Mr. Gunderson, what'll it be tonight? Eh, the usual...Beef Wellington McNocock. WHOOSH! Uh, what happened? It looks like we've been transported to a distant, icy land. Dats right! And now you can enjoy a quirky taste sensation pulled straight from my pasty flesh--Björk Chops! Wow, they're even better with BREAD!

Music Super (star) Market: Hot Buns In Hot Pants by umfumdisi 4-12-04

Holy Shitcakes, Des! What is it, Dot? Your family will be here in five minutes, and I forgot the bread to go with dinner! *Ding-Dong* Shit, they're early, I'll get the door. Where's my husband, and who are you? I'm the Hardest Working Man In Dough Business, and I'm here to save your buns. Jump back--Unh! All you have to do is open up a pack of my "James Brown N Serve Rolls," baby.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Music Super (star) Market: Amnesiac by umfumdisi 4-13-04

the Morning Bell awoke me too early. why must i spend my Life In A Glasshouse? my (radio)head felt Like Spinning Plates and i was hungry as Hunting Bears. i decided to go to market. it was hard to enter, i had to Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors. next i had to pusg/push my way through the crowd Packt Like Sardines In A Crushd Tin Box. of course, Pyramid Song was on the over(radio)head muzak. I Might Be Wrong, but i'm pretty sure that was the tune. luckily i found the (radio)head cheese lady with her Knives Out giving free samples. then i made my way to the beer aisle, but what an Amnesiac... i'd forgotten my Dollars & Cents! i grabbed a six-pack and headed for the door. the manager blocked the exit, but i screamed, "You And Whose Army is going to stop me?!" and ran back home--i think.

Music Super (star) Market: J-Lotrimin by mmyers 4-21-04

"I'm still Jenny from the block, still use a pencil to scratch in my sock, used to itch a little, now I itch alot, but I'm still Jenny from the block." You know, running from high profile relationship to high profile relationship really makes my athelete's foot flair up. That's why I had someone invent J-Lotrimin. It's the only athelete's foot powder that's made for a Jennifer... but that's strong enough for a Bennifer.

Music Super (star) Market: The curiously strong Polka by mmyers 4-22-04

Hey, you know, I'm a weird kind of guy, but there's one thing I don't like to be weird and that's my breath. I want my breath to be like a party at a leper colony. Sure, I'll parody anything, but my favorite parody is "Weird" Al-toids, the curiously weird mints! They're like having a drive-in movie inside your mouth! (Britney Spears) "With the smell of your breath, I move aside, your breath is toxic, I'm slipping under the table, with the smell of poison paradise, your breath is toxic!" I wasn't kidding, when I said I that I need you, baby, when I told you I really care...

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

MMYERS! Great comics, and where the hell have you been?

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

It's annual review time for the old filing clerk, so I've been all data entry for like a week. Now, I'm stronger than ever.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

Music Super(star)market Quickies by kaufman 4-22-04

inagaddadavida inagaddadavida. Someone's mumbling like she can hardly stay awake. Should have taken your Iron Butterfly Vitamins, now with extra iron! Ow! It hurts when I wipe my ass. Son, try new Johnny Cash. This toilet paper's made of seized laundered money, and it's so soft because we laundered them with extra fabric softener. This forest is so peaceful. I can almost hear the natural music passing by. Ah yes, madame. That is because I have planted these zam fir trees. The wind blowing through them sounds just like a pan flute.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

These are genius. If I could rate mmyers good two or three times, I would.

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I has a flavor!

I feel that I should remention that half of these are the umfumers and half are mine...and that I'm a super genius.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

And the third half are:

The Music Super (star) Market Borrows an Old SC Joke by kaufman 4-22-04

Come over here, big boy. I want you to shoot all over my face. Ok. Hello, this is Johnny Rotten for Sex Pistols. Oh yeah, that felt so great!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Somehow I missed seeing "Wu-Tang Tang."

Awesome.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

I asked umfumdisi about this one, and he was kind enough to let me do the selling of what had been his idea...

It Came From Davy Jones' Locker by kaufman 4-22-04

o/` Here we come, Swimmin' in your glass, 'Cause you sent off for us, What a stupid ass! Hey hey, we're sea monkees, People see us swimming around. So pour us into some water, We'll come to life, we won't drown. We're just tryin' to be your friends, Come and watch us swim and play. We're the hot young crustaceans, And we've got something to say. Hey hey, we're sea monkees, You never know where we'll be found, So don't flush us down your toilet, We might mutate and eat your town!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

These were awesome.

Plus I had one of my comics referenced, and thus I am happy.

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Poop.

Music Super(Star)Market: SpongeBob DylanPants Ad #2 by umfumdisi 4-22-04

Hi there. Are you like me? Are you on your couch right now saying, "No, I don't even know who the hell you are!" Well, on the odd chance that you are like me, I'll go ahead and ask: Have you ever wondered what the hell Bob Dylan was singing about? If so, then rush out today and buy a box of SpongeBob DylanPants Cereal --now with brown and green Traveling Wilberries. Inside each box, you'll find a Zimmerman-approved VOCAL DECODER! Amaze your friends and chastise your enemies when they misquote Bob The Bard.

Music Super(Star)Market: Philly-Smooth by umfumdisi 4-22-04

Good morning, longtime companion, would you like some pancakes for breakfast? An omelette? Perhaps some sausage and biscuits with gravy? Of course not, preferred partner, besides being fattening, all those things take a long time to make and leave the kitchen in a mess. Whatever shall we do? We need something quick yet filling. I know, let's have some of our very own INSTANT HALL & OATESMEAL! That sounds great, Darryl. And we don't have to worry about choosing a flavor, because INSTANT HALL & OATESMEAL is only available in Vanilla.

Music Super(Star)Market: Pearl Jams by umfumdisi 4-22-04

Eddie Vedder here along with Stone Gossard. We're not here to sell you anything. We just want you to know that we have several flavors available if you decide you'd like to try us. There's the original Pearl Jam, and, uh, we also have Spin The Black Berry, and Red Mosquito is pretty good. And don't forget our hard-to-find, limited edition flavor--Yellow Ledbetter. Mmm-mmm.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Please stop, I'm almost peeing my pants. Hall and Oatesmeal! Hahahahahahahahaha!

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I has a flavor!

This one's for Unknown Eric (although I didn't even see his sig when I made it).

Music Super (star) Market: Morrisey Morsels by mmyers 4-23-04

Hi, we're the Keebler Elves! And by popular demand, we present Keebler's Morrissey Morsels! Designed by Morrissey himself, these cookies...um.... I'm sorry, that guy's a fucking weird-o. *Munch**Munch* Good cookies, though.

Also, Hot buns in hot pants nearly made me fall out of my chair.

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Peeing sitting down is the gift you give yourself.

What's better than Jam and Bread?

Music Super(Star)Market: Pearl Jams by umfumdisi 4-22-04

Eddie Vedder here along with Stone Gossard. We're not here to sell you anything. We just want you to know that we have several flavors available if you decide you'd like to try us. There's the original Pearl Jam, and, uh, we also have Spin The Black Berry, and Red Mosquito is pretty good. And don't forget our hard-to-find, limited edition flavor--Yellow Ledbetter. Mmm-mmm.

Music Super(Star)Market: Half Baked by umfumdisi 4-23-04

When it's late at night, and you're composing music in your home recording studio, nothing hits the spot like a sandwich. And You Haven't Done Nothin' until you've had turkey on Stevie Wonder Bread. Speaking of turkey, you'd be a jive turkey to buy what Stevie's sellin'. Take it from the man who Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe, and buy Barry White-Wheat today. Look at those smug Americans. Never Again will you have to put up with boring whitebread. Add a little taste to your life with PumperNickelback, eh.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

Now playing in the Hard Rock aisle:

Music Super(Star)Market: Rage Against The Cornell by umfumdisi 4-25-04

Chris Cornell here with another fine product available at your local Music Super Star Market. Do we get to talk this time? When I left Soundgarden, it was because of so much friction within the band. The other guys wanted to write lyrics, but I WRITE THE LYRICS! So, I found myself a group of guys who shut up and play. At least he's talking about us. Still, all that friction hurt, you know. That's why I came up with AUDIOSALVE. It's guaranteed to ease those old wounds. Just tell us when and what to play, Mr. Cornell.

Music Super(Star)Market: Your Handy Holiday Friend by umfumdisi 4-25-04

Just one more piece, honey, there's only a few left... NO! It's old and dry and smelly--like grandpa. How many times has it happened to you? You make a year's worth of sweets for the holidays, and nobody eats your fudge. Sure, everybody claims to like fudge, but three weeks later, you can't get the dog to eat it! Well, Introduce Yourself to The Real Thing--FUDGE NO MORE. Add Fudge No More before you bake. Here's the secret...it's laced with just enough Angel Dust to make your household break the fudge-eating Record Of The Year!

Music Super(Star)Market: Always Sugar Free! Pt.1 by umfumdisi 4-25-04

Say, did you kids hear the one about the early bird? Clowns are lame. And sad. This party blows. Harder than your sister!

Music Super(Star)Market: Always Sugar Free! Pt.2 by umfumdisi 4-25-04

Oh Yeah!!! Holy Shit Holy Shit It's the... TOOL-AID Man!

Music Super(Star)Market: Crünchy Töppings by umfumdisi 4-25-04

Is your lettuce more limp than a biscuit? Is your radicchio no longer rad? If so, take it from me, Emeril Largassé, and... kick your salad up a notch with Mötley Crüetöns! Available in four fine flavors: Viscious Vince! Munchy Mick! Naughty Nikki! Totally Tommy!

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

I prefer these comics ten-to-one over the leading brand of comics.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

I'm running out oF space on the piece of paper that lists the awesome things you guys have made.

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

So I know he's not in a band but -

Music Super(Star)Market: Richard Dreyfuss ate my Squirrel. by smamurai 4-26-04

Hi, I'm Richard Dreyfuss. And I'm his stunt-beard double. I also play in a band. An unknown band. Now I'm not sure what type of animal lives in a dray. But you guys do, and you probably keep them dirty critters as pets right? And you probably hate having to clean up all the shit they shit in the afore-mentioned dray. What did them suits say we should use again? Now I'm no Dreyfuss, but don't use me, use 'Lemon Fresh No Dray-Fuss!' It shouldn't make your pets bald.