If someone rated you bad, there'd probably be a witch hunt organized to find the culprit.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

January '02 is when I started to have Internet access again, so I came back to stripping. But it wasn't 'til late, so I only did three that month. And here they are:

Triumphant Return by Scyess 1-30-02

*ding dong* I've finally done it!! Oh... hi, Jon. Hi, Tataki! It took me 10 months of training 12 hours a day, but I've now finally learned to slap Jellyroll Morton's greatest hits on my bare thighs! And you're admitting this... why? Um... I guess, "to make you swoon and fall into my arms with amorous lust" would be the wrong answer...

Leaving the House by Scyess 1-30-02

SWM, 28, 5'7" into music and cows, seeks pretty red-haired girl in white t-shirt standing right in front of him. What? Um, well... I never know what to say as an opening line, so I thought I'd just do it like a personals ad. So, You think you wanna go out sometime, or what? I think you're lucky napalm isn't street-legal. I think you're right. But since it's not, I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Vbigrund by Scyess 1-30-02

It's you! How the bloody hell did you find out where I live? Get the hell out of here! Sorry I'm early. I'll just wait here until you're ready. I've got all week. Um, sure... just let me feed my vbigrund. You're what? Is that your pet? Yum Can you believe one time a girl tried to sick her schnauser on me? She was crazy, I tell you.

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"Old" is the old new.

Based on an unfortunate true story about my New Year's Eve:

Christmas Wish by Scyess 1-02-06

And what do you want for Christmas? I want the disco version of Beethoven's 5th never to have existed. Christmas magic is powerful magic, my son, but that kind of evil can only be defeated by a higher power. Sorry, but my hands are tied. THAT'S YOUR EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING!

It's no secret that I hate acoustic guitars. Here's the reason. (Part of a series.)

Acoustic Guitars Instigate Bad Stuff by Scyess 1-10-06

Yo, dude. Wanna buy my CD? What kind of music is it? It's a bunch of songs about my political views featuring -- ... just you and your acoustic guitar? Dude! How did you know? Lucky guess.

Based on that event where all the Muslims were crushed. I left out the crushed Muslims part.

Eid-ul-Adha by Scyess 1-12-06

Muslims must participate in the annual Hajj pilgrimage to three large pillars outside Mecca where they engage in a ritual called "the stoning of the devil." I wonder if that really works. Woah... must be Eid-ul-Adha. Everything's all wobbly and I've got a wicked urge to visit Jerry Garcia's room. I don't think so. It's just a ritual. Why is a ball of flame raiding our refrigerator?

Theme Restaraunt by Scyess 1-16-06

Welcome to the Psychic Cafe. Here's your spaghetti. Is that all you have? No, but we knew that's what you were going to order. Which reminds me... Then she kicked me in the nuts because I wasn't going to leave a big enough tip. Uncannily accurate.

Based on a club my college buddy always wanted to start but never did:

Rule #1: You Do Not Talk About Procrastination Club by Scyess 1-20-06

Hi. I'm here for the Procrastination Club meeting. Sorry. That meeting's been postponed. When did that happen? Did you send a notice? Well, I meant to... You ass! You know what you can do with your stupid club? No, but I'm pretty sure it won't get done for a while.

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"Old" is the old new.

Due to the overwhelming response from last month, I decided to post February's comics early. First, '02:

Just a Bit by Scyess 2-05-02

So, Jon... what exactly do you expect out of this date? ...! Uuhhh... that's kind of a loaded question, don't you think? What do you expect me to say? Well... let's just say that if you're answer isn't, "a disembodied floating head," you might be mildly disappointed.

Commercials by Scyess 2-14-02

"Hey, buddy. Can I get a ride? I'll give you a buck." "Aw c'mon. What can I get for $1? "...oh, and by the way, if you mention a 10-10 phone number I'm going to ram this bag of half-starved badgers up your ass." This is actually kind of refreshing. "Uh, I think I'll walk." "Damn right you will, fuck-o."

Jim's Philosophy by Scyess 2-14-02

Yep. The quick-draw. That's what life is all about. Ha! You would. You think life is about power over others. Might makes right, right? How archaic! Life is about understanding, thinking, and learning to love your fellow man. DRAW! Life is more than just a contest! It's a journey to... AAAUUGGHHH!!! Too slow.

What's Up by Scyess 2-14-02

Hey, Earl. What's up? Hi, Jon. Did you know that through diet and subliminal messages you can make large groups of people unwittingly perform heinous, criminal acts of abuse and perversion? Well, gotta go. See ya! Hey, Jon. What's up? Don't ask.

5:15 by Scyess 2-21-02

*pant pant pant* I finally found you! Okay, here's the deal. The place has three security sub-systems and 20 armed guards. I'm going to go in the north way -- they'll expect that attack least. But you have to get those security systems disabled by 1900 hours or else I'll be spending the rest of my life as the quadrapalegic love-bitch for some inmate named Spike. Okay! Let's move out!!! In about two hours whoever that was is really going to wish I knew what the hell he was talking about.

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"Old" is the old new.

Then '06

From my CC entry that lost:

Stop, Drop, and Roll. YATTA! by Scyess 2-06-06

Holy crap! I just heard the Earth will be destroyed in 30 days! Oh, shit! What should we do? Uh... game of Bubble Bobble?

Yum by Scyess 2-11-06

You look happy. I found some gum in Sanna's room. It's super chewy and tastes great! Hey, guys. Have you seen the box of flavored condoms I had around here? Don't worry, Jon. You're not the first guy whose happiness was based on latex and spermicide. Well, it still tastes great.

Domestic Unrest by Scyess 2-13-06

What's wrong? I found out my parents are fighting again. That's tough. Why don't they get along? They get along fine. But they're back on the professional tag-team kickboxing circuit. Well... your mom does throw a mean uppercut. But what if they won't let her take her walker into the ring?

What They Really Want by Scyess 2-14-06

Kiss me, Jon! What? You heard me, Romeo. Kiss me like I've never been kissed before. Apparently, that didn't mean repeatedly ramming her face into giant inflateable novelty lips. Women sure are hard to understand.

This is true:

It Makes... NO SENSE! by Scyess 2-22-06

My washing machine has a "hand wash" setting. Cool. MY WASHING MACHINE HAS A "HAND WASH" SETTING!!!!!! Apparently this is a bigger crises than I first imagined.

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"Old" is the old new.

These make me laugh. That's important. Write it down.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

We're technically not legally in April until I post my monthly comics, so here they are. I'll start with March '02:

Random Comic! Spontaneousness by Scyess 3-15-02

Dude, watch this! Spontaneous combustion! Is this cool or what!! It's not really spontaneous if you planned it. Damn, this guy is hard to impress.

Pegged by Scyess 3-18-02

Damn, Jon, you look like shit. Didn't things go as planned at the women's prison? Sorry to interrupt, y'all. I just wanted to let the readers know that Dan Savage in his column "Savage Love" determined through a reader poll that the term for a woman's strapping on a dildo and fucking a man in the ass should be called "pegging." That may be useful information for the remainder of this strip. Thank you and enjoy! Ick. Actually, maybe I'd prefer it if you just kept your adventures to yourself. Why are all the chairs in this house so fucking hard?

Uninformed Kangas by Scyess 3-20-02

. . . ! Okay, fuck-o. This is a stick up! Take out all your cash and put it into my pouch now! Lady, that's just gross. The pouches of marsupials aren't pockets; they're warm, fleshy, mucus-lined bodily orifices. You might as well ask me to shove my $4 up your ass. Um... maybe I should come back after I do some research.

Pathos by Scyess 3-20-02

((sigh)) My life sucks. It should be illegal for someone to feel this hopelessly pathetic. **ding dong** Yes? It has come to our attention that you are a miserable loser. There's a $400 fine for that 'round here, mister. Justice is less satisfying than I had hoped. You don't mind if I take a huge shit here on your sidewalk, do ya, boy? I didn't think so! Loser.

CC 110: Beware of Cow by Scyess 3-30-02

- = Beware of the Dog = - **DING DONG** - = Beware of the Dog = - What? Good afternoon, sir, would you like to buy -- woah, what the hell? Are you supposed to be "the dog?" - = Beware of the Dog = - They were out of "Beware of Cow" signs. Now prepare yourself for pain heretofore only known to cud, dickbreath. Maybe you'd be more threatening if you weren't pink. Just a suggestion.

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"Old" is the old new.

And because being ignored ten times is twice as good as five, here are my favorites from March '05. (It was a hard choice; last month wasn't prolific but it was pretty good.)

Alas, my random comics are usually better than the ones with my usual characters:

Random Comic! In Memoriam by Scyess 3-02-06

It is expected that the premature death of a spouse brings great sadness to the one left behind. But it does more than that. Even after coming to terms with the loss of a love and the pain... ...she suffered, the lonely remnants of life are tossed into chaos. The empty house... the inevitable questions at parties... everything seems to turn hope for a new start into a directionless limbo. But this is a comic strip... so here's a clown with a lisp. Hey, there, thourputhth! Why tho thad?

This is true:

Tougher than Spelling Bees by Scyess 3-03-06

I pulled you over for going too fast. Do you know what the speed here limit is? Yes. It's an arbitrary number decided by a panel of aging bureaucrats under the flawed impression that in all cases safety can be measured by speed. This is probably the worst date ever. Sorry. I didn't know there was going to be a vocabulary quiz.

Open Up by Scyess 3-11-06

I'm thinking of seeing a psychiatrist, but I'm worried people will think I'm a freak. No. Lots of people see psychiatrists. Go ahead. You look pretty much like I thought you would. That'll be $350.

Wonder Years by Scyess 3-22-06

You ever wonder why sometimes shit floats on the water and sometimes it sinks? No. No one wonders that. Ever. They all have more to do with their time than contemplating the eccentric behavior of feces. You ever wonder why girls never like me? No.

This is also true:

Another Truism by Scyess 3-24-06

Do you like the tattoo under my belly button? It says "love" in Chinese. Well, yes... it could be translated that way, but it really means "love" in more of the sense of "incest" or "beastiality." I didn't know you could read Chinese. I can't. But no one who gets Chinese tatoos can, either.

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"Old" is the old new.

Some damn good comics from May '02. It almost makes me wish someone were actually reading this thread.

Libraries are Fun by Scyess 5-21-02

dum dum de dum... hmm hmm hmm... high hopes.... hm hm hm... high hopes... I got them... HIGH apple... PIE in the... SKYYYYY HOPES!!! YYEEEAAAAHHHH!!!! ...anyway, I think they're serious about the rule against bursting out in song in the library. Maybe if you could just refrain from tap-dancing on top of the card catalog...

A-Pathetic by Scyess 5-21-02

Tataki, sometimes I get the feeling you don't really care about me at all. What? No, Jon. It's not that I don't care, it's just... well... ...ah, fuck it.

Random Comic! Holiday Cheers by Scyess 5-22-02

I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Tonight I will... Stop right there, buddy. I'm Jewish. Uh... then, er... I AM THE SPIRIT OF CHANNUKA PAST! Sorry, but Channuka is one of our least significant holidays. The only reason anyone cares about it is that it comes around Christmas time. Umm... I am the hallucination caused by drinking Everclear straight from the bottle! Well, all right then.

Lessons from Jim by Scyess 5-29-02

...and make sure you dispose of the rest in a sanitary manner. And that's how you de-bone a chicken. Are there any questions? Cowboy Jim, isn't the chicken supposed to be dead before you start? What were those funny words you were screaming at it? ________________ Why did that chicken look like a golden retriever? Woah, there, pardners. One at a time.

The Differently-Abled by Scyess 5-31-02

Okay, I give up. WHY have you been standing here with your mouth open for 7 hours looking at that peanut? No elbows. *sob*