Yes, the speed limit is 75. Yes, I am going 83. I know you want to be going 95 and are annoyed that I am in the left lane, but if you bother to stop glaring at my car and peer up ahead, you will notice that there is a slow-moving semi truck in the left lane passing an even slower-moving semi truck in the right lane. Given our current speed, we will catch up to them at the precise moment the truck in the left lane finishes passing the truck in the right lane and moves over to the right lane itself. Thus, Freeway Harmony is achieved by all parties.

Tailgating me is not going to make me go faster. If anything, I might slow down out of spite. Zooming past me is not going to make you look like anything other than an idiot when you catch up to the truck and spend the next minute and a half swerving back and forth in a foolish attempt to make the truck driver notice you would like it to go faster. Especially since the truck driver can't see you riding his ass.

I will not move over to the right lane, especially if it means I will be inconvenienced since I have to slow down by a large percentage or risk slamming into the rear of the truck. It is far easier for you to slow down by a few MPH and wait than for me to move over to the right lane, slow down by 20 or more MPH, and then pray I can get back into the lane sometime in the near future.

If I decide to be nice and/or I will have ample opportunity to move back over to the left (since I will get to see you make an ass of yourself for my entertainment), I will only do so if I am able. If there are cars in the right lane, blocking my movement, then I'm not moving over and no amount of tailgating me will make that happen.

If you stick in an informal convoy with me, our chance of being pulled over for speeding will be greatly reduced. Of course I would relish seeing you lose half an hour of your driving time to a traffic cop because you just couldn't abide being late to see the Survivor finale.

Get your ear off the cell phone, your hand off your cock, your head out of your ass, and use your eyes to look at what's happening up ahead. If you calculate and plan in advance, you won't have to spend your drive tailgating someone who actually sees the bigger picture. You'll just get home cranky about us drivers who you think are "too slow" (if you don't piss off a trucker who smashes your Miata with his back tire out of spite), and we go home only mildly annoyed, write a rant, add your licence plate number to the already growing hit list we've accumulated over the years, and get on with our less stressful lives, knowing we don't look like morons on the road.

And if you decide to remain an asshole and continue to tailgate me, just remember: I purchased full coverage on this rental car. I doubt your coverage even comes close and I don't have to pay a deductible. Don't make me hit the brakes out of spite.

Look, I just finished driving 1100 miles today (yes, one day) and did the same a week and a half ago. So it mostly applies to those long dead stretches of interstate that are only driven by truckers and people going to/from various vacations/visits. Not city interstate driving where all rules are off and the left lane is for everyone because goddamn Kansas City just HAS to have every exit I need on the left side when I'm on the right and vice versa.

I actually sit in the left lane a lot. Of course there's those long dead stretches of interstate. Mostly across Nebraska. God, I hate Nebraska. If it wasn't there, the drive would be nice. Where was I? Oh yeah, sitting in the left lane. Mostly there's no one around, but occasionally there is. If someone zooms up behind me, I'll move no problem. If there's a slower vehicle in the right lane, then I won't. Cause I am also passing that slower vehicle. Unless there's plenty of time for me to move over and back again after the other vehicle has passed. But usually not, because most times the other vehicle is going a couple MPH faster than me. Once because I was so into my groove that I didn't even notice. That must have been between Gothenburg and Sidney. God I hate Nebraska.

I also like sitting in the left lane because I can actually see what's up ahead easier. Even if the vehicle in front of me in the right lane is going the same speed or faster, I'll sit in the left lane a decent space apart. Especially if the other vehicle is an SUV, van, or truck. Because I can't see over them and to me, the entire road is blocked from my view and I hate not being able to see what's up ahead. Doubly so in places that are hilly or have lots of trees. And people who drive these long stretches do the same thing and see other people do it too. It's also really useful at night when animals are all over the place. And at night, I'd rather someone sit in the left lane, even if they aren't passing, rather than behind me because that way I'm not blinded by headlights. And headlights in the rearview are distracting.

But I hate the self-righteous people who are so focused on the fact that I'm going just a bit slower than they are and am therefore inferior to them or I'm an old lady or bad driver or whatever, that they have to create hostile and/or dangerous conditions. Most times I laugh when I see a driver do some sort of complicated weaving maneuver to get past cars they assume are slow, only to discover either an even slower vehicle up ahead that most of us were already aware of and had adjusted for until the way was clear, or that the real reason we're "slow" is because of another car ahead and we want to go faster ourselves.

Weaving in and out of cars to make a point about how much faster you are is a stupid thing to do, especially when there's a lot of cars already close together at interstate speeds. All it takes is just one car to put on its brakes, even just a tap, and everyone plows into everyone else.

Another thing that infuriates me. Other drivers usually assume I'm the slow one (even if I'm obviously keeping time with cars ahead of me) because I do this silly thing where I actually put a safe distance between my car and the car ahead of me.

Yeah, that's right, I actually don't want to hit the car in front of me. It's once thing to be in bumper-to-bumper traffic, but when there's a sparse number of cars, it's inexcuseable and anyone who does it should be ticketed at the very least (preferably, lose their licence temporarily). So to anyone who tailgates me in that manner: it doesn't matter if you're my best friend. I will treat you like the moron you are.

Something about seeing car after car smash into each other over the past day makes me cranky. My only hope is it's the moron drivers who are getting hurt. They actually deserve it.

Most of what you say I agree with, Ivy, but the left lane is a huge hot-button topic with me. If there is some idiot going way too fast and you're in the left lane and you see him coming up on you, you're better off getting over into the middle lane. I've seen too many accidents where some speedy asshole zooms around the slower-moving car only to hit that same car trying to zoom back into the passing lane. The left lane is for passing. People linger in there, which doesn't bother me. What bothers me is when someone faster is going to pass other people and the person who lingers in there won't move out. Let yourself be inconvenienced, and get out of the lane to let the speedy jackass through. I do tons of driving every week and have driven back and forth across this country. I still get the fuck out of the way of an idiot going 90 if I'm in the left lane.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Mikey, on the stretch of road(s) Ivy is talking about, there is no middle lane. There's two lanes, that's it. I-70 is only a 3 lane road for about 12 miles at a time.

I hate people who linger in the left lane. I personally avoid it except when necessary. On a four lane road, I will use all 3 of the right-most lanes, and never venture into the left lane, unless something odd occurs, such as 3 cars in the 3 right lanes all scooting along at 45 mph. Otherwise, I fear it. The guy in the sports car doing 100 always seems to find me when I venture into that left lane. I leave it to the stock car drivers.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

When there are two lanes, there is no passing lane.

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The giant three-phallused phallus of Uzbekistan will one day squirt the cosmic jizz of revenge all over Canada.

Well, yeah if there was a middle lane I would, but the only time I get a middle lane on I-80 is when I'm near a large city. Which is basically Omaha/Council Bluffs and Des Moines. And then it's not so much a passing lane as a "I need to get to my fucking exit so you wankers better let me in" lane.

Let me put it this way, there's an ass zooming up behind me at 25 MPH faster than me and I'm zooming up on a slower vehicle in the right lane at 25 MPH faster than it. Either way, one of us is going to have to slam on the breaks. I just think it should be the people going the fastest since i'm ALREADY doing 8 MPH over the speed limit! Which, I discovered, is the perfect I-80 speed to avoid ticketing.

Side story: so I'm on the deadest of the dead stretch on I-80 and the ONLY thing I have to worry about is staying on I-80 West. Up ahead is where I-76 starts and I have to veer to the right to stay on I-80 West. It's always been just a merge thing, with both lanes splitting in both directions but they just had to do construction on it so now it's a right lane only exit. I've been boxed in the left lane since the first sign hit (10 miles previous) and have been trying to get over to the right. I can't slow down, I can't speed up, I can't move over. I turn my blinker on, do that creeping thing towards the right, even gesture, but not a single damned car will let me in. So I end up passing the turn. And since it's the dead zone, I have to go a good ten miles on I-76 S before the next exit. Then I turn around and come back, only to discover that the exit from I- 76 N to I-80 W is fucking CLOSED for construction! So then I get to go another ten miles on I-80 E before I can turn around again and come back on I-80 W. This time, I spent the whole ten miles behind a semi going 45 MPH because everytime I tried to pass, some jackass going at least 110 would zoom up behind me and I wasn't about to get boxed in again.

As the cars that boxed me in merrily went on their way to I-80 W that they should have let me take, I cursed their axles. Vocally, and out the window. There were also gestures involved.

Hence why my mellow trip ended so badly.

Never mind the pinheads, couldn't you have just taken US 385 north from Julesburg, and picked up 80 again west of the split?

(Meanwhile, after deiving 563 miles yesterday, I'm looking for the fuckwad (sic) who splattered half the right side of my car with used chewing gum.)

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

How long did these drives take? All day I'm guessing. I say this as I'm driving 450 miles to Dartmoor on Friday night. I imagine it'll take about 5 hours, 6 if I stop for dinner.

Jes's condensed rants:

- single lane tracks through villages that call themselves 'A' roads. (build a damn bypass!)
- mobile phones and using them at the wheel (illegal)
- Crazy Frog ringtone (nothing to do with driving, I just hate it with a passion)
- The M25 is always closed at Watford when I try to use it. Always.
- public transport is too expensive.

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

quote:

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Jes's condensed rants:

- single lane tracks through villages that call themselves 'A' roads. (build a damn bypass!)
- mobile phones and using them at the wheel (illegal)
- Crazy Frog ringtone (nothing to do with driving, I just hate it with a passion)
- The M25 is always closed at Watford when I try to use it. Always.
- public transport is too expensive.

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I love those drivers who ride your ass (even though you're doing 15 mph over the speed limit already) for a while then get fed up and switch lanes, completely unaware of what's coming up in that other lane they moved over to. Sure, it looks like there's lots of open space over there, but they forget that there are about 10 clover leaf entrance ramps in the next mile and they have to slow down to about 30 mph each time to let people on, since they can't get back into the lane they were originally in. Kinda like a high-speed version of the opening scene in Office Space. Funny stuff.

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Think classy, you'll be classy.

The only complaints I have about driving are as follows:

1) People who think "merge" means to come to a complete stop and wait until there isn't any traffic in any of the lanes so they can pull out into the furthest one
2) Semis that drive through town (seriously... I know that you have to get your stuff all the way across town, but why, oh why, must you use the busiest roads to do so?)
3) Farmers. They don't know city driving rules.
4) Old people should have to retake their drivers test after they reach a certain age. I'm pretty sure driving 60kph down a 90kph road isn't cool.
5) The stupid pigheaded "I just got my licence therefore I own the road" teenagers. My cousin is testament that where he may not own the road, he could sure pay the insurance company enough to repave it (4 accidents within the first year of having his licence, 3 of the cars totalled off)

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Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist.

Don't forget the "I own a Civic/Cavalier/Truck therefore I am teh awesome!" fuckwads on the road.

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Poop.

Most rational and realistic drivers don't clog the left lane unless it seems necessary for their safety or (imagine this) the safety of others.

It's pretty obvious when some ass chunk is driving the left (passing) lane with little regard to the traffic around them. In the past I was known to tailgate them or pass them, get in front of them, and slow the hell down until they HAD TO CHANGE lanes. Taste of their own medicine, I said. I guess I've mellowed because now I'll stay close behind and flash my lights incessantly while gesturing at their rear tire. :)

Also, I've seen too many airheads chatting on cell phones and driving in the passing lane who don't even realize they've slowed down 5-10 mph. I back off or get around them ASAP because it's obvious they're not paying close attention to the road ahead--let alone what's going on behind.

Last week I saw one of the stupidest drivers ever. They were in a generic 80s Mercury trying to merge with 55-65 mph interstate traffic at a robust 40 mph (uphill, no less). Not even bothering with acceleration, they swerved across two lanes of traffic and into the left passing lane--making a minivan brake quite hard and nearly being clipped by an 18-wheeler on the way over. They stayed in the left lane eventually achieving about 50 mph (area has a 55 mph limit) yet would not move as traffic bottlenecked behind them. It's this type of asshattery that makes driving so interesting.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

On my daily commute I have about 15 - 20 miles of I-84 between Newtown and Danbury that I have to run. When I get on this road I am generally in the left lane because my exis will be on the left, and the traffic is heavy enough that if I don't get over early I will have few opportunities to change lanes. That said I am generally going faster than the people in the right lane on this two-lane road.

What irks me is that you are practically forced to tailgate the people in front of you, because if you leave more than a couple of car-lengths of space, some fucktard will think you're all laggard and pop into that space. Even if there is nothing behind me and I am at the end of a fast-moving convoy. They gotta get that one car ahead, because it's going to save them so much time.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.