Those of you who haven't been around for a while may have missed what was arguably the greatest comic contest ever, CC #6, AKA the Wirthling Sucks contest. Those of us who truly attempt to go above and beyond the call of duty haven't forgotten those fateful words...

It is not important that you know anything about me. You can use what you do know about me or just make something up about me. Put words in my mouth, make me look like an asian girl, just talk about what a sorry ass loser I am, or whatever. Just dis me hard.

Obviously wirthling is the greatest of men, and rather than fold under the barrage of spite we throw at him he only fires it back at us. Truly he is a man to be admired. I offer this thread as an homage to the great one. I'm posting my own personal collection of comics, as well as a host of brand new ones.

For those of you who missed the original fun, there's no time like the present to get started.

Comic Contest #6 - Wirthling Sucks Big Time by gabe_billings 2-21-01

Well, wirthling poll results are in. Lowpass readers think he sucks more than cauliflower, Wayne Newton and cholera. 34 percent of readers think stoning is too good for him, and 83 percent would like to see him ravaged by woodchucks. Somebody even wants to see him sodomized by a donkey. That one kinda came out of left field. Guilty.

One Good Turn Deserves Another by gabe_billings 2-21-01

Boy, that wirthling sure is a dickless, smelly, turd-eating felchmaster. You can only enter the contest once, you know. This entry doesn't count. I know.

Wirthling, Master of His Domain by gabe_billings 2-22-01

Man, not only does wirthling suck, he's late too. Here it is 11:20 and still no votes. He's probably busy jacking off to a Victoria's Secret catalog he stole from his neighbor's mail slot. You know what we should do? Go over to his house and 'help him along' with his votes. By 'help him along' I assume you mean beat him with baseball bats? Of course. Let's go then.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Wirthling Sucks, Volume MCXXIV by gabe_billings 3-17-01

Wirthling really sucks. I hear you, man. No, I'm serious. He's a real asswipe. A goatfucker of the highest order. A turd-sniffing felchmonkey. I get it, I get it. Wirthling blows. He watches Dawson's Creek and reads Family Circus. Let's lynch him tonight.

Is the Dis Wirthling Contest Over Yet? by gabe_billings 3-22-01

I got a riddle for you. How man wirthlings does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I give up. How many? Who gives a shit? Wirthling's a big penis, and no one likes him but his mom. And even she has her doubts. That's a pretty stupid riddle. I'm a pretty stupid person. What's your point? Nothing, really.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive by gabe_billings 3-23-01

This plan is perfect. Wirthling will never know what hit him. You sure it'll work? Of course. Once he falls through the trapdoor, the lemmings pour out of this chute. When they're finished the walls will start to move in. Ha ha! Into the garbage chute, flyboy! But why are we using Ricky Martin as bait? Two words, my friend. Repressed homosexuality. Tell me... Were you born this stupid or did you have to work at it?

I Hate Wirthling More Than Mondays by gabe_billings 4-06-01

That wirthling sure is a smelly bunt. A what? Oh, I'm sorry. I can't say the letter 'b'. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a schoolboy. I was attacked by a bat. A cat? No, a bat. I see.

Wirthling Felches Apes by gabe_billings 4-06-01

Did you see the news today? Apparently wirthling's had an asshole transplant. Really? Yes. Oh wait, there's a stop press.... What's it say? Apparently the asshole's rejected him!

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Apathy, Inc. by gabe_billings 4-10-01

What do you call wirthling up to his ankles in concrete? I don't know. What do you call wirthling up to his ankles in concrete? A good start!

Comic Contest 22: wirthling sucks... literally by gabe_billings 4-12-01

I'm wirthling, the man-whore, and I like to choke down cocks in Time's Square for spare change. Times Square doesn't have an apostrophe, you git. And by the way, do you take Discover? Wirthling was the best lay I ever had. And that's including Ricky Martin. Wirthling is the biggest cheese dick ever to walk the Earth. And that's including Ricky Martin. I hope all you faggots can stay in one place for me to get my truck and drive back here so I can run your pansy asses down. If all you pissants are about through, I've got a twelve o'clock with wirthling's bum.

\/\/!|27|-||_¡|\|@ $µ by gabe_billings 6-21-01

What's the good word? We've got problems. Our taunting of wirthling has decreased dramatically in the last several weeks. What are we gonna do? We'll need to implement a proactive plan, posthaste, to bring our wirthling dissing up to ISO9002 standards. We probably should have started before the last panel. That's ok. We can always make more. Go get the megaphone.

Wirdini the Great by gabe_billings 8-06-01

Say Billings! What's the deal with the milk can? I'm helping wirthling with his Houdini act. I'm supposed to chop him out with the axe if he needs help. Wow. How long has he been in there? Oh, maybe half an hour or so. I did leave for about fifteen minutes to take a dump. I hope all that clanging I heard wasn't him. Say, you wanna go get a waffle? Sure.

Wirthling's Humble Abode by gabe_billings 9-17-01

Say Wirthling... Nice housewarming party you got here. Thanks for coming, Billings. Have a seat, grab some hot cocoa. Better not. I wouldn't want to overheat, what with the warming and all. The house isn't really going to get warmer. That's just a figure of speech. Oh. Then I guess I shouldn't have set the bathroom on fire. I hate you.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Person Man by gabe_billings 9-23-01

I used to be a successful stockbroker. And then one day my wife caught me in bed with my secretary. So she whacked me on the head with a frying pan. Now I'm a fucking mess. I'm depressed. I feel worthless. I live in a garbage can. Could I possibly degrade myself any further? In retrospect, I probably should've stayed away from the secretary. Wirthling wasn't all that good in bed, anyway.

Life's a Beach by gabe_billings 8-20-01

Bradley, my man. This day at the beach was a sweet idea. Yeah it was. Say, you know where wirthling is? I haven't seen him since lunch. Yeah, I was helping him work on his tan. His face was a little pale. That was nice of you. Get me out of this fucking hole, you cockmonkey! The ants are getting closer!

Je ne connais pas les français by gabe_billings 6-28-01

J'ai demandé wirthling pour observer ma maison ce week-end tandis que j'allais au pays. Ce n'était pas une bonne idée. J'ai demandé wirthling pour observer ma maison une fois et il a baisé mon chien tandis que j'étais allé. Si je seulement connu. Je confirmerai l'honneur de Fifi par wirthling provocant à un duel. Vous devriez le défier à un cockfight. J'entends qu'il est arrêté comme un gerbil. Peut-être je pourrais juste pénétrer par effraction dans sa maison et remplir son tiroir de chaussette vers le haut de pudding de tapioca. C'est une bonne idée. Est-ce qu' hé, pourquoi vous ne allez pas extérieur et ne jouez pas la peau et ne allez pas baise vous-même?

Not My Entry by gabe_billings 6-30-01

Wirthling su.... Hold it! What the hell are you doing? Working on this entry for the comic contest. I've got a great one about wirthling and a herd of nymphomaniac wildebeest. Didn't you look at the rules, idiot? Robots, sci-fi backgrounds, 42... The wirthling sucks contest was back in the single digits. But we won, didn't we? Why mess with a good thing? You got a point there, sparky. So tell me about these wildebeest...

Avocado's Number by gabe_billings 8-16-01

Happy Birthday, Dumbass! I got you a cake with a mole of candles! And a ride on the Challenger, which incidentally, didn't blow up. Wow, you used up those constraints pretty quickly. What are we gonna do for the rest of the strip? Wirthling sucks! Wirthling sucks!

[Click to view comic: 'Wake']

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

And on to the new stuff...

Road Rage by gabe_billings 10-21-01

Hey wirthling, sorry about that little fiasco over at the building lot of your new house. Fiasco? You drove a fucking cement truck into the foundation! It'll take weeks to fix all the shit you screwed up. It was an accident, I swear. It better have been. I was aiming for you.

Speed III by gabe_billings 10-21-01

Hey wirthless. I like the new wheels out front. That's not my car. It's my mom's. Does she know anything about disarming car bombs? No. Why? Just curious.

Wirthmobile by gabe_billings 10-21-01

Hey wirthheimer. How's it hanging? Billings, did you break all the windows in my car and paint 'Gabe Wuz Here' on the hood? Is this a trick question?

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Toast Up by gabe_billings 10-21-01

Hey wirthling. Shouldn't you be on fire? What the fuck does that mean? Oh. You haven't used your toaster yet today, have you? No. Why? No reason. Hey, how about making me some Eggo waffles? Sur.... Hey. Wait a minute.

Wirthling Ahoy by gabe_billings 10-21-01

Your new boat is pretty sweet, wirthmeister. Damn right. I had to take out a second mortgage on the house to get her, but it was worth it. I took the liberty of christening the good ship 'Tobor' for you. Thanks, Billings. I wouldn't have expected such a gesture from you. What kind of champagne did you use? Champagne? Don't you christen with a wrecking ball? I hate you.

House of Style by gabe_billings 10-21-01

Hey wirthling, what do you get when you cross a squirrel and a woodchipper? I don't know. What? Go take a peek in your bedroom. You might want to bring some paper towels. And a mop. And some rubber boots. I hate you, Gabe Billings.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

My CC 6 entry:

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

I prefer to pursue loftier matters than how much wirthling sucks. But I did make this one:

The man from Nantucket by andydougan 9-22-01

There once was an old man named wirth, Ling who thought he'd try to cause some mirth, By giving me a false name, To distract from his shame, Caused by his penis's small girth. True story.

Incidentally, there are eleven comics containing the phrase "wirthling sucks", seven of them by Gabe, and one of them a parody of Gabe's strips.

This was a blatant excuse to abuse Brad's newly-implemented multiple-comic code, isn't it?!

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

If I really wanted to do that, I would have posted them all in one big chunk. But that would have looked goofy, I think.

It was more a way to tell everyone just how much wirthling sucks.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

Kinda like telling everyone that the sky is up in the air.

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.

Wirthling is one of my favorite authors. It pains me to be forced to post such vile slander about him. Really it does.

Comic Contest #6 - Quantity by evil_d 2-22-01

I have it on good authority that wirthling -- or, as I like to refer to him, Amazed Porno Bunny -- was the gunman on the grassy knoll. Not only that, but he was the one who translated Zero Wing, too. Wirthling? You mean that guy who writes all those comics about Jesus and sodomy? I heard he gets puppies hooked on crack in his spare time. And that he was responsible for Vanilla Ice! Worse -- NKOTB. And New Coke. But ever since he got out of jail for shoving that old lady in front of a bus, he's been making his living by recruiting people into cults and taking all their money. That explains how he can afford to finance all those fascist revolutions. Word is, he owns a luxurious mansion with six separate torture chambers. Some say that was where Mother Theresa *really* died. No kidding. You know, that pedophile voted for Bush, too. He eats veal and dolphin for dinner every night. And he's getting a show on MTV where he'll do nothing but encourage kids to burn themselves. Oh... well, I guess he can't be all bad, then. I mean, MTV viewers....

Comic Contest 74 - I had to use both sides by evil_d 10-19-01

Damn it, private! You know the South surrendered to us yesterday. What the hell were you doing sneaking around in their camp? Sorry, sir. I was just spray painting something. Spray painting? What did you write? "Wirthling sucks". I see. Excellent work, soldier. It wasn't easy fitting all those letters on such a small guard dog.

I seem to have a greater number of strips about how Gabe sucks. I should start a new thread.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

quote:

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I seem to have a greater number of strips about how Gabe sucks. I should start a new thread.

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Actually this is really a late entry to CC #6:

CC74: Wirthling Still Continues to Suck - by gabe_billings by israphael 10-21-01

Wirth, my man, isn't army life the greatest? I mean, they give you three squares and a cot. What more could you want? Yeah, army life could be OK, if it weren't for all that extra KP and sentry duty you keep getting me assigned to. Well, I'm here to tell you that's all in the past. I won't be causing you any more trouble from now on. OK... What's the catch? It's just that I'll be unable to pull any tricks on you when you're in Afghanistan on that suicide mission you volunteered for. What? I didn't volunteer for a- Oh...

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Sick obsession or unhealthy fixation? You decide:

Project Wirthling by itsclark 10-22-01

Gabe, why don't you come to bed? I'm wearing that nun costume you love so much! Not now honey... I'm making comics about how much Wirthling sucks! Again? Can't you at least do something constructive with your time? Excuse me Sugar-britches. I need to get the phone! Mr. Billings? This is the National Endowment for the Arts. We've reviewed your "Wirthling Sucks" portfolio and we're prepared to offer you a grant! Hot damn! Now here's my vision: Picture the first comic visible from space...