My mother reads my comics on my main account, so it will be less of a pain in the ass in the long run if she never sees these. I still want to inherit something when she keels over from a holier-than-thou-induced stroke.

Maternal Meddling 1 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

You should send wedding announcements out. I wasn't thinking about it, but I guess I could send a few to some friends and close relatives. I compiled a list of distant relatives and people you've never met. But I-- Also, I there's some college roommates I haven't seen in 30 years who should get an announcement. It beings...

Maternal Meddling 2 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

[Request for addresses of three people. Indicate loss of own address book.] [Proceed to explain this process takes much effort and will return with info in a week.] Next day... [Explain addresses found on whitepages.com and announcements have been mailed. No further assistance needed.] [Pretend incomprehension and continue tales of treks through the wilderness for addresses.] One week later... [Ask unrelated question and/or send picture of cats doing something cute.] [Respond with alphebetized list of distant relatives and people you've never met.]

Maternal Meddling 3 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

I appreciate the list, but I sent off the announcements last week. Plus, I don't know who these people are. How dare you not know! These people drove all the way from Denver to be at your grandfather's funeral! You do remember I took two weeks off of school during mid-terms to drive 1,000 miles in a death trap car so I could help coordinate the funeral... ..and that I had to sleep on a couch on the porch in winter so those relatives could have the beds because they were too cheap to get a hotel, right? You are so ungrateful of all the work I do for you.

Maternal Meddling 4 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

Who's David and Donna? He's the son of your second cousin (who I can't bother naming) and that's his wife. Oh. Do I know him? You played Monopoly together when you were 8.

Maternal Meddling 5 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

Why should I send an announcement to your second husband's sister and brother-in-law? They like you. That makes one of us. Just because you've only seen them for a total of four hours in your entire life....

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

Maternal Meddling 6 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

Isn't Jeannie the kid of another one of your cousins? [Insert lecture on responsibility of remembering every detail.] When did she get married? I don't remember.

Maternal Meddling 7 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

So who's this Margaret person? [Insert lecture on remembering who someone is that you've never met before.] Oh. I don't remember her husband's name.

Maternal Meddling 8 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

Look, I only sent announcements to the people I care about. If you want these people to know, you send them yourself. How dare you be so ungrateful blah blah wedding blah blah responsibility blah blah my ego... You never sent me an announcement when you got married. Uh... In fact, you weren't even going to tell me. Well, that was different...

Maternal Meddling 9 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

As I recall, you promised to transport me to my new job, then decided to get married on the same day I had to start work... Erg.. ...and didn't even have the balls to tell me you couldn't keep your promise, much less why. Um... I found out a week before I had to leave. From someone else. I had to borrow $750 from a friend to buy a shit car. Which imploded and left me stranded. [Insert lecture on fiscal responsibility.]

Maternal Meddling 10 by SilverPhoenix 10-26-06

Look, if you want to boost your ego through my marriage, I can't stop you. [Masturbates to opulent wedding fantasy.] But this marriage is about me and I'm not going to let you drive me insane with your ridiculous... [Drools over lavish catering plans.] WOULD YOU STOP THAT!? [Ponders renting a surrogate daughter for the wedding.]

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

Maternal Meddling Prequel 1 by SilverPhoenix 10-27-06

10 years ago... Here's 200 graduation announcements and a list of relatives and people you don't know. Take care of them. I only know a dozen people on this list. I think you met some of them when you were an infant. Who are the people in Section B, subsection 12? Those are my college roommates from 30 years ago. Aaaand this pertains to my academic status how?

Maternal Meddling Prequel 2 by SilverPhoenix 10-27-06

2 weeks later... Have you sent out the thank you cards? Yeah, I made sure to send thank you cards to everyone who sent me money or a gift. No, no, no. You have to send a thank you card to everyone who sent you anything, even just a card. What happens if they send a thank you card for my thank you card? Call them. Postage is expensive. Oh I'll call them. Then I'll beg them to adopt me.

Maternal Meddling Prequel 3 by SilverPhoenix 10-27-06

You didn't finish sending thank you cards. I ran out of steam after the first hundred. Oh come on, it's not that hard. I'm running out of things to say that don't make me sound like a card-writing robot. Just say how much you enjoyed what they sent you and you hope to see them soon. "Dear whoever you are. Thanks for the card. It will be a lovely addition to the garbage can."

Maternal Meddling Prequel 4 by SilverPhoenix 10-27-06

You're one card short. I've hit my limit. I can't do any more. If you don't send [name I forgot] a card, you're demonstrating poor etiquette. That will reflect badly on me. Who is this woman again? I think I knew her in college, but I'm not sure. Do these people even know who you are?

Maternal Meddling Prequel 5 by SilverPhoenix 10-27-06

10 years later... Remember that woman you never sent a thank you card to? Of course. You never let me forget. I bet she still remembers what an ungrateful person you are. I bet it was more like this... Who the hell is SilverPhoenix and why did she send me a graduation announcement? Maybe it's a rich relative. Better send a card.

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

have some mom issues, huh?

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Kill Whitey.

Who doesn't?

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

umm, me.

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Kill Whitey.

Either your mom is awesome or you don't have one. Either way, I envy you.

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

she was awesome.

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Kill Whitey.

Remember in UNFORGIVEN when Skinny tells Little Bill, "Well, anyway, I like yeh house"? That's the image and voice I'm using to say, "Well, anyway, I like yeh comics."

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

By the way, I just recieved a wedding announcement for you. I must be your second cousin's son's wife.

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Mediocrity at its most average.

Maternal Meddling: The Return 1 by SilverPhoenix 11-01-06

Nancy's announcement came back. Are you sure the address is correct? Let me double-check it for you. Four days later... Yes, it's correct. I'll send it again then. Maybe you should just call them. It begins...

Maternal Meddling: The Return 2 by SilverPhoenix 11-01-06

You should just call Pat and Nancy and tell them that the announcement came back. What would be the point of that? Then they could verify that their address is correct. But we've both verified it a hundred times, from the return address of letters they sent. Call them. Just to be sure. Fall down a well, just to be sure.

Maternal Meddling: The Return 3 by SilverPhoenix 11-01-06

The next day... Did you call them yet? No! I haven't called them yet! I've been busy. You'd better call them. I don't see the point. Besides, Pat will just talk for hours about his tornado-proof house. Call them! Call them! *sqwak!* Call them! I wonder if the V-chip works on relatives.

Maternal Meddling The Return 4 by SilverPhoenix 11-01-06

Could you just send me their email address? ...why don't you call them? Because it's easier to email the registry link than dictating it over the phone. Let me go find it... Screw it, I'll just drive to Oklahoma. It will be faster. No, no. I think I can find it in the next 24 hours.

Maternal Meddling: The Return 5 by SilverPhoenix 11-01-06

The next day... I'll just write down the link on a piece of paper and put it inside the announcement. Did you call them yet? [lie]I can't call them because I have laryngitis and can't speak.[/lie] I'll check in a few days to see if you've called them. With any luck, I'll be on a five-year space mission by then. Take your cell phone so you can call them.

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

Bride of Maternal Meddling by SilverPhoenix 11-01-06

Monday Did you send thank-you cards yet? I just sent the announcements. I'll send the thank-you cards in a week. Tuesday Did you send thank-you cards yet? Even if I did, you won't get them for another three or four days. Wednesday Don't forget to send thank-you cards, haha! Don't forget to fall down a well, haha!

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

Your comics are excellent. I wish I could've written them.

In fact, I plan to take credit for all your comics from now on. I'll just pat myself on the back for these, then.

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peddling the funny around since 09/24/2002

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 1 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

Two months ago... I want to put an announcement in the local paper when you get married. I'd rather you didn't. But I want everyone to know that you're married! You just want to parade my marital status in front of that backwards redneck town so you won't feel like you raised a failure. I'm proud of my daughter's accomplishment of finally landing a man...even if there's nothing else to celebrate. I'LL GRADUATE COLLEGE WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY!!

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 2 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

Send me your wedding photos so I can pick one to include in the announcement. First of all, I want to read the rough draft before you send it in... That's reasonable. Second, I don't want a picture. Anything you want dear... Danger WIll Robinson!

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 3 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

Today... As you requested, here's the first draft of the announcement I'm going to send. Why does it have our high school graduation dates? That's relevant info. For what? To prove we aren't underage? Everyone wants to know who you are. I don't want them to know who I am!

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 4 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

Why did you list me as Jim's child? He's your stepfather. He's your second husband that you married years after I left home. Technically he's still your stepfather. Gee, I don't know. You never told me you were getting married, remember? Let's come back to that...

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 5 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

Look, leave in parental info if you want, but you cannot use Jim as my father. If I do that, you're out of his will. I was never in it. Then you're out of mine. Fine, you can depend on my brother to take care of you when you're old. Damn, she has me there...

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If only fools fall in love, then that means the human race is fucked.

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 6 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

So send me a photo that you want me to put in the announcement. I told you, I don't want a photo. I'll just use the one I took in Colorado then. When did you take a picture of us? My guess is when you were looking really sweaty and gross after the hike. On the upside, maybe the town will think we're two men getting married and freak out...

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 7 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

Look, I told you, I refuse to have a picture in the paper. Fine. I won't put a picture in. I think I'll have a little talk with the newspaper about you. I wonder what other papers are in the area...

Maternal Meddling Strikes Back 8 by SilverPhoenix 11-05-06

Okay, the two of us have discussed it. This is the announcement we want you to put in the paper. It just says your names and the date of your wedding. Right. That's all anyone needs to know. But they have to know where you work, where you're from, where you went to high school, and what your shoe size is! TBC... I'm dead serious. Let me think about this...