Slash is coming out with an autobiography. Nikki Sixx has his Heroin Diaries (startling everyone with the revelation that some rock stars engage in illicit drug use). I too must have a memoir filled with lurid tales of overdoses and bizarre sexual fetishes.

First I need a great rock & roll moniker like those guys have. I'm thinking of calling myself Count Rockula. You know; not Chocula, but Rockula. Awesome, right? My bass guitar player who is constantly in and out of prison could be Shankenberry. Shit, that's at least as creative as "Slash". We'll have costumes and everything.

Once I have about 15 years of hard luck stories of life on the road under my belt, I'll hire a ghost writer and wait for royalty checks to roll in while I kick it poolside with my entourage of aspiring starlet groupies. The working title is, Descent into Madness: Confessions of a Misunderstood Megastar. If you guys could hook me up with some hookers and drugs, that would be a big help during the research phase of this project.

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

The Shocking Rock Confessions of Unknown Eric:

- I never played a gig drunk or stoned.  I tried to practice drunk once, but just ending up thrashing wildly at my bass strings whilst giggling like a schoolgirl.

- I never got laid for being in a band.  Although that was one of the reasons why my now-wife first started dating me.

- One time, when someone in the audience screamed "Show us your tits" at our (female) singer, I showed them my tits instead.

- One time at practice, I dropped my pants simply to scar our guitar player permanently with the sight of my hairy balls.

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I has a flavor!

That was always good enough for AC/DC. You're letting stardom slip through your fingers, Straight-edge!

You'll never get a publishing deal at this rate. We want to hear about fiery sores acquired from groupies of every age and ethnicity.

Now we're getting somewhere! What size cup do you wear?

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

Thomas Dolby was in it.

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Poop.

I once lip synced to War Pigs after a Diet Pepsi binger.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

I once drank a glass of Dom Perignon--at room temperature.

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Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

i was in 2 bands. i hit the stage drunk constantly, practiced while drinking, indulged in weed and occasionally coke, got laid once from all of it, and....and.....

that's it. no outrageous stories.

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Kill Whitey.

i'm usually a little drink-y while singing, but last show I was kinda plastered off of Whiskey & Coke... after this one quiet song, I decided, without telling anyone, that I was going to do an a capella version of the chorus of "When Doves Cry" ...

Our drummer got panties thrown at him, after which he wore them on his head.

Our bass player got kinda trashed last show and was doing what Eric was talking about : flailing wildly at the bass strings and even attempting to sing along with me (note : he NEVER does this)

I was married before joining the band, so no groupie stories

Mostly we just drink way too much.

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Our liability coverage is zero. Our balls however are enormous.

Hump! Get your ass in here and share your lurid tales of bandliness.

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the kid's getting old, the kid's getting old

UnknownEricand she still hasn't put out??

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what if nigger meant kite

mandingoand she still hasn't put out??

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

In college, my suitemates and I played in the basement music room of our residence hall. I played tiny plastic pink harmonica. We played Deee-Lite's "Groove Is In The Heart." Wild, huh?

However, the bass player did take off his shirt, scawl "I EAT MEAT" on his chest with red magic marker and tape stuffed animals onto his sweat pants (a la Flea in RHCP's "Higher Ground" video). Good times.

It was also on our "dry" campus that we "invented" and perfected the Purlple Haze. It's a "cocktail" of vodka and grape soda served in whatever cup/glass you happen to have on hand.

One of our suitemates had a giant plastic inflatable Smirnoff vodka bottle he kept in his room. To celebrate the bombing of Iraq (the first time), I chased my roommate through the halls and lobby of our dorm while yelling "SCUD Attack!!"

And then there was the time that my giant-vodka-bottle having suitemate called ahead to let us know he was coming back to the dorm and bringing his Uncle up to meet us. I promptly went into his room, found his Playboy collection in his closet, opened them all up to the centerfolds and placed them all over his room.

And we won't even discuss the weekend at his same Uncle's lakehouse. Oh man, I had the RNR lifestyle without the RNR ability.

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

"Rockula" is already taken? This sucks. Our debut album was going to be "Rockula a Hurricane". The cover would have me in full costume riding on a hurricane. When you looked closer, the hurricane was going to made up of flying demons and swords, with people and cars getting sucked up into it and mangled. But now all that's out the window. I see no reason to even bother to learn how to play an instrument now.

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I was gonna send a robot back in time, but I got high.

I played the motherfucking VIOLA in grade school!! I think it prevented me from getting laid years down the line too.

ROCK ON \m/

When I was in a band, the old semi-retarded woman who worked in the ladies toilets got up on stage and tried to dance with me.

Then, even though I was trying to play bass and sing (and look cool) she was resolved in her attempt to have a conversation with me.

After many wild gestures and profanities were hurled her way the bouncers finally got her to leave.

I'm talking with a few guys about possibly making a new band, and these guys are fucking nuts, so if that happens I'll no doubt have a fuckload of stories

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The following statement its true. The previous statement is false