To boldly go where no comics have gone before!

Bad Captain 1 by biped 11-10-05

Hello, Poke Salad Annie? Gator gotcher granny. This is not a "toy", Captain.

Bad Captain 2 by biped 11-10-05

(Stupid Spock...) Hello, Scotty? Are your warp engines running? They are? Well, you'd better go catch them before they get away! He's dead, Jim.

Bad Captain 3 by biped 11-10-05

Hello, is this the "White" house? It is? May I speak to the President, please? Hello?

Bad Captain 4 by biped 11-10-05

Is Mike there? Last name...Hunt? Are you still at it? Shut up, Spock! I'm finally having some fun for a change! This is the 23th century, Captain. No one is going to fall for that old joke. MIKE HUNT! HAS ANYONE SEEN MIKE HUNT!

Bad Captain 5 by biped 11-10-05

Captain, I reported your behavior to Starfleet. They've revoked your communicator privileges. No!!! NOOOOOOO!!! Just for that, I'm setting the ship for SELF-DESTRUCT!!! You -- you can't be serious -- COMPUTER!!! DESTRUCT CODE ZERO -- ZERO -- ZERO -- DESTRUCT -- ZERO!!! You'll need two other bridge officers to confirm, Captain. Fine. What's that little geek's name with the Beatle haircut? "Jerkoff"?

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

CC 302: For My Skull Is Hollow, And I Have Touched Myself 1 by biped 10-23-05

GRRR...I...KILL you...Spock... No, Captain. You are not supposed to kill a fellow Starfleet officer. OH...then...I...STUN you...with...with... Wrong hand, Captain. The phaser is in your OTHER hand. But you are not supposed to stun me, either. Well, then...I...I...call you on...talky box and...talk to you... I'm right here, Captain. And, just as I suspected... this atmosphere is 87% nitrous oxide.

CC 302: For My Skull Is Hollow, And I Have Touched Myself 2 by biped 10-23-05

Ensign...Benson... kill...Spock... KILL...SPOCK... AYE...AYE... CAPTAIN... KILL...SPOCK... KILL! SPOCK! All right, now this is just totally illogi -- Oh...you are SO on report.

CC 302: For My Skull Is Hollow, And I Have Touched Myself 3 by biped 10-23-05

Well, I killed Mr. Spock, just like you ordered, sir! WHAT...THE FUCK...OVER? Guards, put...this man...in the brig... Spock...was my friend... and now he's dead...my friend...is dead...DEAD... ME IN LOVE WITH SPOCK!!! GRRRR!!! ME KILL STUPID ENSIGN BENSON REAL BAD!!! Nurse Chapel! Omigod, HELP me! I -- I don't remember anything that I'm supposed to have -- HELP YOU!!! ME AM GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKEN BALLS OFF, YOU TURD BASTARD!!!

CC 302: For My Skull Is Hollow, And I Have Touched Myself 4 by biped 10-23-05

Captain! I'm picking up a new lifeform reading on the planet! Wha...could it be? COULD...IT...BE...? Hello, Captain. I seem to have regenerated into a baby crab. Spock! SPOCK! I'm...so...HAPPY! ME TAKE CARE OF YOU UNTIL YOU AM NORMAL AGAIN, BABY CRAB SPOCK!!! Well then, whip out those milkbags, Mommy.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Star Trek: The Wrath Of Kong 1 by biped 10-28-05

I love my new Game Boy! I'm playing Super Donkey Kong, Spock! What are you playing? Captain, this planet is extremely unstable. Geo-thermal readings indicate an imminent -- DONKEY KONG DOO-DOO LEVEL!!! I CAN NOW MAKE DONKEY KONG DOO-DOO ON MARIO!!! COOOOOOOL!!! Captain, we must beam up to the ship NOW! Or else the volatile nature of this planet's -- SPOCK... Donkey Kong is doo-dooing on Mario right now. PLEASE stop trying to ruin this for me. I could win some extra DOO-DOO! Captain, what in the world is "doo-doo"?

Star Trek: The Wrath Of Kong 2 by biped 10-28-05

Don't they have doo-doo on Vulcan, Spock? Or maybe Vulcans don't HAVE to doo-doo -- SPOCK TO ENTERPRISE! EMERGENCY! TWO TO BEAM UP -- NOW! Well Spock, I hope you're happy. I just lost ALL of Donkey Kong's extra doo-doo. Captain, the planet we were on is imploding. I just saved both our lives -- FIND ME THOSE CHEAT CODES, YOU VULCAN BASTARD! GET ME BACK TO THAT EXTRA DOO-DOO LEVEL OR I'LL HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED! Oh, very well, you dumbshit. (sigh) My father was right... Starfleet is no place for a logical Vulcan. Here... here's your extra "doo-doo."

Star Trek: The Wrath Of Kong 3 by biped 10-28-05

HAPPY KIRK! HAPPY KIRK! GO, DONKEY KONG, GO! FRRT-FRRT-FRRT! Captain, I -- YAAAAAAAAAA!!! Clean-up detail to the bridge! Another red-shirted security guard just spontaneously combusted! Captain, the ship is being pulled into the self-destructing planet's atmosphere, and -- HEY! My batteries just went dead! Kong! KOOOOOOONG!!!

Star Trek: The Wrath Of Kong 4 by biped 10-28-05

Captain, the ship is doomed. I'm ordering the crew into the escape pods -- NO, Spock! Everything will work out okay at the last minute! It always -- -- does -- Well, Captain -- it appears as though the series has been cancelled. What do we do now? Picture yourself...in a boat...on a river... with...tangerine trees...and MMMMARMALADE skies...!

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Star Search Trek 1 by biped 7-08-08

Aw, come on, Spock! This "Amateur Night" thing will really beef up morale! And the crew would LOVE to hear you sing! REALLY! But, this is highly illogical, and--oh, all right. (sigh) Ahem..."If I were a carpenter... and you were a lady..." "...would you still--" HEY, LOOK EVERYBODY!!! SPOCK'S BEING A BIG, FUNNY ASSHOLE!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Star Search Trek 2 by biped 7-08-08

Captain, I must strenuously protest this blatant-- NOW, Scotty! Beam Mr. Spock into the ship's raw sewage compartment! SORRY, SPOCK!!! YOU GET THE HOOK!!! HA HA!!! Next, Ensign Chekov will display his greatest talent...screaming like a little girl. CHEKOV!!! THERE'S A GORN BEHIND YOU!!! YAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! And now for our grand finale! (ahem) "Picture yourself... in a boat...on a river..." HEY, COME BACK HERE!!! THAT'S AN ORDER!!!

Star Search Trek 3 by biped 7-08-08

Scotty, beam Spock back onstage. OH, MY GOD!!! PEEEE-YEEEEEW!!! My father warned me against joining Starfleet. I'm resigning my commission. Aw, come on, Spock! It was all in good fun. I can't believe you're having me court-martialed. Shove it, Captain. Drop me off at Deep Space 9 in all haste. Oh, and kiss my warty Vulcan butt cheeks. "Shove it, Captain... deep...in...my warty, Vulcan butt cheeks...in all haste." See, Admiral? That's why Spock's being such a bitch--cuz he's a fag.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.

Off The Beaten Trek by biped 1-14-07

ENSIGN JACKOFF! I thought I told you to get a haircut! You look like one of the freakin' MONKEES! BUT, KEPTAIN-- my hairstyle is vell vithin da Starfleet regulations! SPOCK! I want you to put one of them Vulcan neck pinches on Jackoff so's we can haul his mop-top ass down to the barbershop! Captain, I checked the regulations, and you do not have the authority to order me to apply the Vulcan neck pinch for your own selfish whims. COMPUTER!!! INITIATE SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE!!! CODE ZERO...ZERO... Oh, all right. Where is the goofy little bastard?

The Unreported Scan by biped 4-04-09

Captain, I've finished my preliminary scan of the planet and found it to be extremely rich in-- Let me guess, Spock. "Dogshit." You have found the planet to be extremely rich in dogshit. This is most distressing. Every time I attempt to make a report to the captain lately, he finishes my sentences with the word "dogshit." Oh, I told him to do that. As ship's clown, I felt it would relieve much of the pent-up tension around here. "Ship's clown", indeed. I must say without reservation that I am entirely-- Let me guess, Spock. "Dogshit." You are entirely dogshit.

Amuck Time by biped 7-14-08

Captain, my 7-year Vulcan...err, sexual cycle...uhh, thing... anyway, I request immediate leave on my home planet-- No need, Spock! I've anticipated this and secured the services of an experienced professional. PON FARR, YEAH! WOO HOO! Uh, no weird "grips", mind melds, or anal. Well, Spock? Get your ashes hauled? Not now, Captain. Dr. McCoy is replicating some "penicillin" for me.

---
Legend, oh legend, the third wheel legend...always in the way.