Only 3 entries, but I laughed at every single one, so I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. Consider that an honorable mention for every person that entered this contest.
Unfortunately, there can only be one winner, and that winner, by the slightest margin, is brycekain. Take it away!
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"He was cursed with a horrorshow of a face, like Guiseppe Archbold doing a study of mollusk tumors."