I'm not a puppy person. I haven't been a puppy person since as long as I can remember. The other day, I was thinking about how almost everybody that I currently know of likes puppies and that I don't. But then I caught myself remembering a place that I hadn't thought of in a while that didn't like puppies just as much as me or at least tried its hardest to be entirely ethical about the subject and be supportive of puppy genocide. A place of love, and peace, and tolerance; and no-limits, all-hands-on-deck, rough, tear-inducing... comic-making. Oooh... yisss... dat comiks m8. I remembered you guys and how much I loved spamming the site with mostly mediocre attempts at trying not to be something that stepped outside of the place with no name on 4chan or you know... for lack of an apt description... a hive of super cancer cells in a creature made of cancer cells... cancer.

So, I've decided that I might enjoy a bit of a ride again on the magic doombuggy of awesomeness that is the stripperzipper 5000, whatever that means.

I've been trying to get back into the groove of things over the past few days and I think I'm back to my mediocre self. I've decided to celebrate that fact by making a long-arse strip series about that guy who played a guy in that movie about a guy and won an award for being good at being the guy who played a guy in that movie about a guy and the untold story of how he came to be the guy who was good at winning awards for being good at being a guy who plays a guy in movies about a guy.

So, without further ado, I present to you the first five strips in the series about the guy... you know that guy that I was talking about? Yeah... that one. Here you go:

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {1} by Beeko180 7-31-15

HI THERE! LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GO ON AN ADVENTURE! BUT FIRST... WHAT IS YOUR NAME? What? What the fuck is going on? Where am I? How did I get here? What is this place? WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Are you fucking serious? Do you know who I am, bitch? I'm motherfucking Kevin Costner. You just kidnapped a God. You're done, kiddo. SUPER! ARE YOU SURE THAT YOUR NAME IS "MOTHERFUCKING KEVIN COSTNER"? I won't answer any more of these ridiculous questions. I demand that you release me at once or my lawyers will be hearing of this.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {2} by Beeko180 7-31-15

YOU'RE ALMOST READY TO ESCAPE INTO A WORLD UNLIKE ANY OTHER! BUT BEFORE THAT HAPPENS... ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL? Fucking stop it. Stop it now. This is terrorism. Let me go. ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL? NO! I WILL NOT ENTERTAIN THIS LUNACY! RELEASE ME YOU EARFUCKING CUNTSWINDLER. ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL? I'M A FUCKING BOY!!!! HOW IS THIS EVEN A FUCKING QUESTION?!?! LET ME OUT YOU FUCKWIT!

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {3} by Beeko180 7-31-15

SO... YOUR NAME IS MOTHERFUCKING KEVIN COSTNER AND YOU'RE A BOY? I give up. Yes. Does that make you happy? Are you satisfied? GREAT! IN A MOMENT THIS LAND WILL COME TO LIFE AND A PORTAL WILL APPEAR BEFORE YOU SOON AFTER THAT! I'm going to have your balls stapled to your chin for this when I get out of here and get my hands on you...

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {4} by Beeko180 7-31-15

IT'S HAPPENING! YOUR JOURNEY IS APPROACHING! WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGA SUPER DUPER SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED INTRUDER DETECTED DEATH STARNET DEFENSES SWITCHED TO RED ALERT. LOCKDOWN PROTOCOL DISENGAGED. WARNING. WARNING.   !   WOOGA UGGA UGGA DOOOP BLIP BLIP BLIP BING BING DOOP SO SILENT ZAP DIP DOP DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEP There isn't any time to explain. Sit on my lap if you want to live.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {5} by Beeko180 7-31-15

BOONG BOONG BUBBA DUBBA ZIIIIIIIING FUCKING SILENT AS THE GRAVE BOOPS UP IN THIS JOINT NIGGA BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP Come on, kiddo. Mount me and let's go. What? No. That's gay. HONK HONK HUBBA BUBBA BLEEEEP DOOP WOOOOOOOOOGGGA FOGHORN NOISES DON'T MAKE SOUND. That's homophobic. That's presumptuous. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP The world is falling apart, Motherfucking Kevin Costner. Just get the fuck on my inexplicably magical lap and ride me to freedom for no other reason than to advance the plot. Okay, but this is still gay.

Criticism is very much appreciated... especially insults. I love insults. When people call me a faggot I get all warm and tingly inside in a completely non-homosexual way.

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

More apples. How do you like 'em?

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {6} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Why can't I sit there, though? ================ I never said that you couldn't. You told me to sit on your lap. I thought that you meant it was a requirement for it to work. ================ I never gave any indication of such an intended implication. THEN WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME TO MOVE OVER, FAGGOT? ================ Because I like to bump uglies with the strange whilst warping through space-time...duh.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {7} by Beeko180 7-31-15

What the shit are these tentacle creatures? ================ Worms. Why the hell are there worms here? ================ What... are you kidding? It's Science 101. Didn't you learn physics in school? We're in a fucking wormhole. What the fuck else would live here?

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {8} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Okay. We've made it. Get the fuck up. Uggh... we've made it where? Oh... shit. Don't take your eyes off of it. Don't look away even for a second. Don't even blink. If you blink... you die. I don't understand... it's just an ice sculpture. Why are we being cautious around an ice sculpture? It's not an ice sculpture. It's a Testing Brad. It's only just an ice sculpture when you're looking at it.

 

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {9} by Beeko180 7-31-15

You're an idiot. Look at it. It's just ice. How can ice be living? ================ Haven't you been listening? A Testing Brad is only just ice when you're looking at it. Wait... what? NO, DON'T LOOK AWAY! SHIT! MOVE ASIDE. YOU'RE BLOCKING MY VIEW OF IT. FUCK! YOU IDIOT! MOVE!!!! test

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {10} by Beeko180 7-31-15

FUCKING MOVE! No, I'm calling you on your bullshit. You think because I've experienced something as whacky as time-travel using a park bench that I'll just believe this- TEST TEST TEST TEST TEST FUCKY FUCKER TESTING TEST TEST TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESTING 1 2 3 FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHG TEST ================================= AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGH JESUS FUCHJCGHCJKH... -c...rap...

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {11} by Beeko180 7-31-15

T...t...e...sssssss.....t ... tttt..t...ttt...ess...szs zsszzz...... . . . In my defense, though, from the start this whole thing hasn't really been all that believable.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {12} by Beeko180 7-31-15

0I K3VIN M9 YA FAKK1N R3KT CUNT AYE G1T THA FUK 0N 3R3 B4 DAY CUM AT U. TH3Y G0NA R1P Y4 BAIIZ 0FF M8 CUM ON AYE ST3P 1T UP!

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {13} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Some time later and somewhere else... Test. What do you mean the bodyguard escaped? Test testing test. TESTY TEST test. test1 A squirrel? test3 testingtestytest2 TESTtest Test... I can't understand a word you're saying. Quit mumbling.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {14} by Beeko180 7-31-15

W0T D0 Y4 M33N C0STN3R EW3 FAKK1N SC4B. I TH0T 3R W3Z K3VIN BACON. G1T TH4 FUKC 0FF M3 B0TE M8 YA ST1NGY CUNT! Umph. UMPH? Fucking... FUCKFUCK! UMPH! FUCKFUCK! WE GO UMPH FUCKFUCK-ING! ME GET VILLAGE! MAKE BIG PARTY! WE ALL GO UMPH!

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {15} by Beeko180 7-31-15

What? No! Wait! NO WAIT? OKAY! BOH! BOH! BOH, GO GET GOH! WE GO DO BIG PARTY! LOTS OF UMPH FUCKING! NO WAIT! B-B-Boh...G-Goh...UMPH!!! yipee

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {16} by Beeko180 7-31-15

G-g-G-GOH! For the last time my name isn't Goh, you fucking twit. It's Gary. Now fuck off or kill yourself. Jesus, dude... you don't have to be a dick about it. If you don't want to freak out the tourists with us you don't have to. No need be such a cunt. BOH! YOU- fuck dude, why aren't you in character? He's looking right at us. I don't want to play anymore. Gary took off his robe again.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {17} by Beeko180 7-31-15

I don't mean to interrupt, but where am I? You're there. No, I don't mean in relation to your perspective of my position. I mean in relation to my geographical location on Earth. Haha The fuck are you on about?

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {18} by Beeko180 7-31-15

I mean... where am I on Earth at the moment? The fuck is "Earth"? Haha Kidding.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {19} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Seriously... You're in South Africa. Oh... what's with the getup? I'm blending in with the local colour. Black people? Don't be silly. Blacks aren't coloured. They're... shaded or something.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {20} by Beeko180 7-31-15

I thought that when you said that you were blending in with the colour you were being figurative. No, I was being literal. But your costume is white. White people aren't actually white and to establish my point further black people aren't actually black. Nigga please. Don't be so black and white about definitions.

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

If I couldn't imagine Kevin Cosnter going through this, it wouldn't be as entertaining.

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It was such a waste of everyone’s time and money that even the Tokyo stadium’s rape robots apologized– something they were programmed specifically never to do.

I do so definitely concur with you, good sir. There really is nothing quite like seeing the final moments of the late great Ex-CIA hitman Kevin "The Ripper" Costner being played out in a series of comic strips with exact and precise accuracy. I couldn't imagine his actions in these final moments of his life any other way. It is good to know that I do him justice. R.I.P The Bodyguard (1992-2015).

Moar:

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {21} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Several hours later at sundown in the village... So what brings you to the backend of the backend of the backend of the world? Um... what? You're in the middle of nowhere in the shittiest part of one of the poorest nations in the world. So... the backend of the backend of the backend of the world. Oh... uh... The south is the shit part of Africa? I always thought it was up north that was shit... Dude... everywhere is shit. But the south of anything is always shitter. Think about it.

 

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {22} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Who the fuck is this guy you're talking to Nick? Who am I? Who am I??! Who are YOU, BITCH?!?! I'm your lord and god THE Motherfucking Kevin Costner! Oh my word... it... it can't be... it's... it's the chosen- I mean the bodyguard.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {23} by Beeko180 7-31-15

The what? ...come. Quick. Follow, you must. Hurry! Far now, it is not! Where the fuck are you taking me? I can't see anything here. See soon, you will! This way!

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {24} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Meanwhile back at the village... testing test TEST TESTING

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {25} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Here, we are. It's pitch black. Where is here, you annoying fucknutter? I can't see a thing! Your niggerdom talking, that is. Stretch out with your feelings, you must. You must feel it. You must feel around for it... the light switch. Seriously... I can't fucking remember where it is. I haven't been here in yonks. Could you help a brother out, please?

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You have my most solemn and honourbound of vows that clicking this link will not direct you to a youtube video of a rick roll

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {26} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Got it. Nifty! *flick* Hang on... lemme get out of these robes.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {27} by Beeko180 7-31-15

You're Jesus. No, don't be retarded... you are. What? No, I'm Kevin Costner. Exactly. You're Jesus. A.K.A The Bodyguard.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {28} by Beeko180 7-31-15

But... But I can't be... J-j- Jesus. No, I'm Kevin, just THE Motherfucking Kevin "Almighty" Costner. Hahaha, well "just THE Motherfucking Kevin "Almighty" Costner"... Congrats mate, you're Jesus.

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {29} by Beeko180 7-31-15

All the while at the village... AAAGAGAAHAGHH!!!! TESTING1234510TESTING TEST TEST!!!! TEST!!! AGAHAGAHAGAHGH OH GOD PLEASE-AAAGHH! TEST!!! Seriously dude... this isn't cool. I'm like, death and shit. I have sort of a schedule to keep. Very busy. Tell me where he went. Haha!... um... who?

Kevin Costner Goes on a Fantasmical Adventure! {30} by Beeko180 7-31-15

Come on... you're choking my balls with this. Just tell me where he is. I don't really know... does your friend have a name? ... *sigh* Tell me whereTHE Motherfucking Kevin Costner is, please. Haha!