[i]One day a friend called me from Texas. He was having a problem running BattleChess on his Macintosh. "It keeps telling me that the program must be run from a hard disk!"

"Well," I asked, "Did you drag the program from the floppy disk icon to the hard disk icon?"

"Why should I do that?" he barked in frustration, "The disk it came on is hard!"[/i]

[list][*]The theme of this contest is technical support. It can be about computer technical support, support for making your VCR work, or anything else. Use your imagination. As long as someone in the strip is giving or receiving tech support. It can be in person, on the phone... or some other method I can't imagine.
[*]Since everyone isn't in the support business, you aren't limited to strips about stupid users. Bad tech support is also a good arena for jokes. Or anything else you can think of, as long as it's about tech support.
[*]Bonus points for strips about tech support for really strange, bizarre, twisted items.
[*]More bonus points if it's funny.
[*]Multiple entries are allowed, but not series. If you can't say it in 3 panels (or 6 with the splitter), I don't want to know about it.
[*]Demerits for in-jokes. I'm as guilty as anyone, but try to make the strip funny to someone who is visiting stripcreator for the first time.
[*]No Photoshop entries this round.
[/list]Judging will take place on Wednesday night around 10:00pm SC time. Possibly an hour earlier if West Wing is a repeat.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

CC 96: @|\| @UD13|\|C3 @T TH3 R0YA|_ C0URT by Haxx0r_K1ng 1-28-02

An0+her d@y, @n0+her @ud1ence... 1 gr0w s0 we@ry 0f theze pe@zantz. yOUR mAJESTY, i HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM. fOR SOME REASON, i CAN'T STOP SHOUTING! wHAT AM i SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THIS? My G0d, +h1s guy 1s @nn0y1ng! He's g1v1ng me a h00ge he@daxx0r! iN YOUR INFINITE KNOWLEDGE AND WISDOM, HOW DO i SOLVE THIS PROBLEM, mAJESTY? Perh@ps j00 left the C@PS L0CK 0n? @lw@z rememb0rz t0 turn 0ff the C@PS L0CK! 1f y0u d0n't, pe0ple w1ll f1nd j00r speech ann0ying. uMMMM... OKAY, MY lEIGE, "WH@TEVER J00 S@Y.

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Tempt th33 n0t my 733+ sk177z!!!

CC 96: True story of tech support by NeoVid 1-28-02

This damn Nintendo 64 game I bought WON'T WORK!! OK, calm down, sir. Just let me see it, and I'll see if I can figure out what's wrong. I've got it right here... Dear God, what happened to this cartridge? Well, when it wouldn't fit in my laptop's disc drive, I had to cut most of the casing off.

Yes, true story.

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

Open mouth, close mind, open door by TheElPaso 1-28-02

FuhCom Games tech support? In "The Adventures Of Jack Nough", when I try to use the poison bomb in the facility, it won't let me. The poison bomb needs ventilation to work. Try opening a door, a window, a vent... something. OK, now it should work, right?

Yeah, I'll do a better one tomorrow.

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My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. -Weird Al Yankovic

CC 96: Curse of the Broken Laptop by TheBlairZip 1-28-02

Well, here's your problem. It's gone into hibernation. Hibernation? Yeah. See, it's..uh...it's resting. It is not resting! I can hear the little fans and motors whirring away! Why can't I get the bloody thing to boot back up? Hmmmm? ....it's probably...umm...Pining for the Fjords! Don't try to Monty Python your way out of this one, you little shit!

I'll do better, I promise.

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If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have no luck at all. D'OH!

This isn't funny, but I've been living it the past few weeks.

Did somebody say "McAfee?" by kaufman 1-28-02

If you have trouble with our products, please click here and let us know. I'm running under such and such a configuration, and your product refuses to load on my machine. The error message it shows is ... 3 days later ... [20 lines of header] We'll be happy to help you, but we need more info. Exactly what components do you have? Reply including this entire message [original message] [that whole message with elaboration inserted in the relevant locations] A few days later ... We'll be happy to help you, but your message was blank. Please send it again. [entire original message without a single bit dropped] FUCKING MORONS!

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I know, in joke, but I couldnt resist.

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Batman created by Bob Kane

I don't know if this one exactly fits here, but it was inspired by an unsatisfactory tech support/customer service experience...

When it absolutely, positively has to get there some day... by wirthling 8-20-01

So you say you want to use the slowest and cheapest possible mailing service to ship that box? Yeah. I bought a new monitor and it had a defective adapter. They sent me a new one but they are making me pay for shipping the defective one back to them. Well, we have the "Slow Boat to China" service. Delivery will be within 1 to 2 years. That is, unless it gets stolen by Manchurian bandits en route, which is likely. It costs 3 cents. How's that? I dunno. Do you have anything slower and cheaper? The best I can do for you is "Continental Drift" service, which is free. With that service, your package should reach Toledo in about 130 million years or so. That'll do nicely. Thank you.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Here's one, for what it's worth...

CC96: Joystick Trouble by wirthling 1-28-02

Good afternoon, and thank you for calling Sony PS2 technical support! My name's Maura. How may I help you? Yeah, I, uh, I kinda got my Playstation DualShock controller sorta, um, stuck in my, uh, butt and I can't get it out... Hello? Yeah, I'm here. "Accidentally sat on it" again, eh, Gabe?

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

HOW DO I DELETE A COMIC by crabby 1-28-02

CC96: Dear Robby ... by fpd 1-28-02

Dear Robby, My robotic wife is no longer interested in sex as much as I am. What should I do? Sincerely, Horny in Houston. Dear Horny, I'm sorry the spark has gone out of your relationship. You can make things more electric between you by plugging her in more often. Dear Robby, My little girl is heartbroken over the accidental destruction of her robot nanny. What can we do for her? Yours, A Perplexed Poppa. Dear Perplexed, U.S. Robots and Mechanical Men stores regular backups of each robot's positronic brain. They can virtually resurrect your little girl's nanny for her. Dear Robby, I am attracted to Robots, but I'm afraid of what my family will think if they find out I am a robosexual. What can I do? Yours, In the Closet. Dear Closet, I feel I can best help you by meeting with you personally. I'll be at the Cyber Cafe you emailed me from at 3:00 PM.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

No Serviceable Parts by Spankling 1-28-02

"US Robotics support. May I help you?" Yes. My Clango R-251 isn't... er... meeting my needs. "Could you be more specific?" This is so embarasing. Shh! I tried enhanced sex mode and he only lasted a few days on a charge. Then I accessed his programming from the back and… well... little Clango seems to have lost some_hydraulic_pressure. "Have you tried asking Clango what he might be looking for in the relationship?" Fuck no! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

CC 96 - Tech Support? Yeh Right! by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 1-28-02

Hello , Microsoft Tech Support. Hi. Can you help me. I recently bought Windows ME for my system. Im upgrading from Win 98 and i ... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Wha? Whats so funny. I phoned for Tech Support , not abuse. Im sorry Sir. You willingly bought Windows ME. There isnt a person in this building who isnt laughing just now . "Where_Do_You_Want_To_Go_Today" . HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Well , at least he didnt call me a fucking moron like the AOL Tech Support guy did.

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

Or We Could try

CC96 : Spankling Tech Support by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 1-28-02

Hello , Spankling Tech Support. Hi. I wonder if you can help me. This double penetration dildo i bought simply isnt giving me enough pleasure. I mean , it barely reaches the parts Its suppoesed to , and theres no instruction manual. Well Madam. We have tested this product thoroughly and can guarantee it can penetrate far enough to tickle your spleen. Its just too wide. I can barely get it in a couple of inches. Have you attempted to use the pointed end Madam? Pointed End?

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

And since im on a roll .... or a downward spiral.

CC 96 - Siskel And Ebert Have Nothing on Andy. by Kevin_Keegans_Perm 1-28-02

Hello , Siskel and Ebert movie review line. Hi. I was wondering. I need to write a review for a local newspaper of "A Beautiful Mind" , but its embaressing asking for a ticket. No problem sir. Simply use the word "Oscar" , "Masterpiece" , "Magnificent" and "Russell Crowe's Ass" , and youll be just fine. Thats sounds far too much like my Gladiator review. Its a Russell Crowe movie. What did you expect. Hmmm. "They lodge An Oscar up Russell Crowes Magnificent Ass. Its a cinematic Masterpiece"

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

New Balls Please by KajunFirefly 1-28-02

Good afternoon, technical support, how may I help you? Yeah, I bought the F-series donkey about 2 months ago and it's anus has already began to wear out... I'm not a "big" man and the assistant told me it'd last at least 2 or 3 years! well...uh....sir, I usually find that a tube of anal-eaze helps, but this is Microsoft Tech Support, I think you have the wrong number! I'm pretty sure I dont!

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Dad was flammable

CC96: Filthy Canuck by lemur68 1-29-02

All the text on my monitor is highlighted, and it's stuck that way. Sounds like you hit CTRL-A. Hit it again. 20 minutes later I did what you said, but it's still there. Let me repeat. Hit CTRL-A. 45 minutes later So I keep hitting control, eh? But nothing's happening, eh? !!!!!

Please disregard the duplicate comic preceeding this one. This is why we don't enter the title before we finish the comic lest the cat walk across the keyboard causing you to save it.

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"America loves its kings, from George III to Larry." --HJS

Demerit me. I found it amusing.

CC 96: Make That Call (redone) by deucepm 1-29-02

Okay. This is VERY SIMPLE. The Spell Check is under the toolbar... I dont HAVE ONE!!!!! Yes...yes, you do. See, it's the bit at the top that says "File, Edit, View," and so on. YOU STUPID!! I WILL CUM DOWN THER AN START RAPPING YOU!! Mr. fuck, if you're going to become abusive, I'm not going to be able to help you. SUCK ME OF LAMER!!! ha ha

Had to redo this one. Ironic, isn't it?

CC 96: ERROR! Intellegence failed. by Jabizo 1-29-02

Hello? I am having problems with my new computer. When I turn it on the screen never shows anything. Did you turn the monitor on? Oh.. where do I do that? Say, before I forget, I tried to use this free AOL disc I got but I don't have any mail. Isn't it supposed to tell me I've got mail? Well first you need to turn on the monitor. Then, have you connected your modem to a phone line or cable? What language are you speaking? I'm sorry. There's not much I can do. You see, all your problems are due to 'One D Ten T' errors. Do you understand? 1D10T!!

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Vulgarity is simply the conduct of others. -Oscar Wilde

CC 96: And She'll Have Fun, Fun, Fun by AntimatterSwirl 1-29-02

Here at Good Good Good Good Vibrations ... Hello, my vibrator won't work. Try flipping the batteries the other way ... (she's obviously blonde.) Our Technical Support staff is so sensitive to the needs of our customers ... I'm failing to achieve multiple orgasms. (Clearly an Aries.) They can tell a lot about them just from the call. I keep chipping my teeth. Okay, what part of Arkansas are you calling from?

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Have a positronic day.

CC 96: Hell Hath No Flurry by kaufman 1-29-02

... I don't care. You just get tech support called, and get that thing fixed. Sure thing, boss. I trust you don't mind if I get a damned soul to sit on hold for a few eons. Yo, Stella, the boss needs you to make a call for him ... A few eons later ... Hello, Amana customer service, how can we help? Yes, we have one of your icemakers, and it's just putting out warm water ...

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

I must try to remember that excuse.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

I must try to remember that excuse.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

CC96: Ann Droiders by fpd 1-29-02

Dear Ann, My robot boyfriend and I feel like we're ready to have sex, but I'm worried about catching a virus or getting pregnant with a cyborg. What precautions should I take? Virgin in Virginia. Dear Virgin, So long as you're not having cybersex with your boyfriend, you don't have to worry about viruses. And cyborgs are made not born. He can't get you pregnant. Dear Ann, I disagree with the advice you gave to Virgin in Virginia. I had sex with a robot and was infected with nanobots that carry the Trojan virus. Helen in Greece, NY. Dear Helen, Thank you for correcting me. Dr. Susan Calvin informs me that nanobot infection is a serious danger for humans in robot-human sex. It can be treated with virus-killer nanobots. Dear Ann, You omitted an important issue in your response to Helen in Greece, NY. A virus-killer nanobot can attack only known viruses, yet new viruses are being written every day. Bible-Belt Hacker. Dear Hacker, Thank you for raising the important point that robot-human sex always remains a danger. Robots should be careful too, because infected humans can infect them.

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FPD is the foremost plague on discussion boards. Do your part to stomp out FPD.

It looks like you need the proper ordnance. by kaufman 1-29-02

Are we all ready to hunt some Microsoft tech reps? Absolutely. Pull! *Whoosh* *Bang!* Oh shit, you didn't forget to load the dum-dum bullets, did you?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com