[b]MARKETING BUNGLE MAY COST MCBAZZART THOUSANDS
(Reuters) Melbourne, Australia[/b]

Widespread excitement about the release of independent rocker Wolfgang McBazzart's debut album Symphoniac has been tainted by news that a marketing bungle may cost the struggling artist sales and money.

"I invested a huge amount of money - yeah, my f-cking money - on the understanding that this would be a worldwide release," said McBazzart at a press conference in Melbourne yesterday. "I've been gigging worldwide, playing wherever I could sell some tickets, and the fans are there. However, some d-ckhead in marketing has ticked the wrong box on some f-cking form, and the new album is only going to be released in Australia."

Some industry figures are unsympathetic. "He should shut up and stop whining," said an un-named record producer. "There are almost ten million people in London, yet he only managed to half-fill the Albert Hall at his last concert. That's a couple of thousand fans. Pitching his album over there would be financial suicide."

Further marketing and production mix-ups have even delayed the album's release in Australia. Due to hit the shelves two weeks ago, it is still trapped behind printing and pressing errors.

Those who have heard preview copies of Symphoniac have hailed it as McBazzart's finest work yet. "All his singles and a couple of B-sides are on there, but some of the new material blows the old stuff away," said Ian "Molly" Meldrum. "Expect some huge follow-up singles from this album."

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Spewie Lewis' new albums set to go Double Platinum
Reuters : Friday 24/05/02 18:28

After the astounding success of recent tracks like "Chewin it back" , "Welcome to the Vomitorium" and "Splat Chunk City Blues" , Spewie Lewis and his band have finally released the album their fans have been clamouring for. Produced by legendary produced Theopholis P Wildebeest at a cost rumoured to be £1.5 million , pre-orders for the album have topped the 2 million mark , indicating that it will in fact go straight to number 1 in a number of small countries , and make a serious impact in the charts of the major nations.

Spewie Lewis himself has declined to give an interview on this , stating that he was "Blowing Chunks".

Chunks has refused to give an interview. She says she just wants to get on with her life.

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w00t

[b]Cat-Astrophe!
Anticipated "Kitty" Album Yet to Appear[/b]
NEW YORK (AP)

Fans searching the shelves for the debut album by Hold My Kitty have been left holding the bag.

It seems the American nonet has been having so much fun touring the globe, they haven't had the time to spend in the studio and put out that disc. "It's true, we've already cancelled two recording dates at the last moment. It's like we wake up, and one of us will say, 'Let's play Perth' or 'Winnipeg', and off we go!" explains the band's bass player, Ghoti Breath, looking slightly haggard.

Indeed, the nonet just finished a whirlwind tour playing three nights Down Under, one night in Germany, and then back here for their first performance at Madison Square Garden, in front of over 10,000 jubilant fans. Now they're resting up for what will no doubt be another spell of globetrotting.

It's not as if they're hurting. Their third single, "Smoke on the Litter," has sold over a million copies for the fourth consecutive week, and indeed appears to be gaining a bit of sales momentum. As for the touring, lead guitarist Gut Strunk opines that it has really given the band a tighter sound, which will be evident whenever they get around to recording that album.

There has been another issue of concern. Without their first album even recorded, Kitty is already starting to move on its second album! As keybordist Pa Sense explains, "Our first album will pretty much consist of the music you're already hearing, a good collection of feline-oriented blues rock. But our next album will be different. We want to develop some sort of magnum opus concept album. We have the ideas, but the writing will require a new level of sophistication that I just don't think we've achieved yet." So it seems this group of nontraditionalists may spend the time it might be recording Album 1 honing their craft for the follow-up. Time will tell if it has been worth the wait.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Oooohhh... can I place an advance order for my copy of Sgt Kaufman's Lonely Cat's Club Band?

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That is the best , and worst , RockStar related pun so far.

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w00t

Have you read Ken's song titles? Took over an hour for my eyesight to come back...

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Well, I am now a rockstar.

I'll let you know what happens to my new single.

BTW is there a way to "die" in this game?

Yeah - trying to stand-up comedy between songs at a gig.

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Trying to do stand-up comedy, even...

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Hey, how do we find each others id anyway?

o never mind i got KKP's link.

Anal Reflections Out For The Count?
by Dominic Mohan 25/05/02

I spent the last week hanging out with hot new Scottish Rock band 'The Anal Reflections' as they attempted to record their debut album.

With poor sales on their single "Koala Ovaries", the band found it hard to get any motivation for the album. Although the dance remix of the B-side "You want me to put it where?" has become a huge underground hit on London's gay scene, the band refuse to change their style, or even try to corner the gay market.

Singer songwriter "The Onion" Tommy Jay, who's unique lyrics have caused people to call him the next Rabbie Burns, hasn't taken the set back in their success very well. After dissapearing on a suicidal binge of cocaine and male prositutes, it was almost impossible to get any kind of interview with him.

The only official statment I managed to get from Mr Jay was "Tell them, tell them, uh, tell them that if they want it back, the f---ers'll have to find it first", he passed out before I could figure out what he was talking about.

The rest of the band have continued to play various small gigs in England, being too embarrased to return to Scotland until they are famous and refusing to play Wales because, according to lead guitarist Imago Sanchez, "Wales sucks".

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Dad was flammable

Xero Kelvin Off to a Rocky Start
by Hom Lee

The new experimental group "Xero Kelvin" released a single recently that shows a poor premise for a band with promise. Apparently, most of the bands early efforts were spent practicing and throwing together enough resources for this single, entitled "Miyamoto Musashi's Sword". It sparks of an attempt to stab at some distant though in the subliminal undertow of music, but fails to fully grasp that idea due to the inexperience of its members. The first track, the title piece, is an attempt to recapture Japanese rock with more cutting, sensible American attitude. It winds up sounding like a sword swishing in the middle of air with the lead singer screaming "SLICE THE PIECES SENSIBLY!” reminding me of an add for Pizza Hut. Though it was the best track on the single, I preferred Bagombo Chase, a hard rock/electronica drive with a good premise, but poorly recorded. Hopefully we can here a more specific and ordered sound from this group as time elapses.

Xero Kelvin Takes a Break
by Jordan McHagas
Xero Kelvin recently told me that he and his band would be taking a rest from their intended life of the studio and concentrate on building a following in New York. Once hopeful to live an easy life in the studio, the band, including Toby Farnswirth on guitar, Joshua St. Edmund on bass, Maxim on vocals, Keith Tipper on drums and Rob Kelvin himself on keyboards, will now be making regular appearances in the New York nightlife scene. Says Rob, "We're really pissed about this. In fact we hate it, but we think that we need to work on seeing what people really like. Otherwise we'll be selling weird albums to the kid that loves Britney Spearmint." "We have good times in New York," Joshua St. Edmund tells us. "Once we went into the subway to do some exposure stunts, and we like grabbed the instruments away from these minority singers and musicians and were playing like John McLaughlin standards in the subway while Rob had some weird distortion turned way up. I guarantee that the subway lost about half its passengers that night as they wandered into the lower levels reeling from our music."

Envelope Pushers Debut as Kelvin-Spinoff
by Richard Katana
On the other side of the experimental band we know as Xero Kelvin is their more…“mainstreem” side of the band, the Envelope Pushers. The same crew that handles Rob's original band heads this one, but they work with a bit more recognizable music forms than Xero. Their first single hasn't shown true promise, but they say they've made great strides in practicing and are doing better than the original concept of Xero. For now, this is the first "sister" band formed almost entirely by the original sibling. Maxim was not allowed to sing in the group though.

Huge shipment of speed floods music industry
International music industry gets more work done in one day than in previous year
(Reuters)

Pandemonium struck the international musical community this week as a massive shipment of speed reached popular musicians, prompting a binge of creative activity.

Authorities are baffled as to the origin of this large quanitity of the amphetamine, but salvaged enough from the homes of exhausted musicians to find that it was of extremely high quality, very strong and pure, and, in the words of Hold My Kitty bassist Ghoti Breath, "Gives a buzz like a whole swarm of bees trapped inside your skull."

Industry insiders have joked that the music industry as a whole got more work done this week than in the whole of the past year. While this is certainly an exaggeration, there is an element of truth to it. Rising independent star Wolfgang McBazzart played almost fifteen shows in six countries in the space of five days. According to those who attended these shows, his performances were some of the best of his career, but the shows seemed a bit rushed.

Others in the industry have denied the use of any drugs at all. Eternity Richardson, front woman for the pop act Bluebec, has long been an opponent of drug use. Even so, friends have reported her behaviour as being "twitchy" and "hyper" in this past week, suggesting that even she, who was once labelled "The Queen of Prudes" by Charlie Don't Surf frontman John Hancock, indulged in some of the potent narcotic.

Police are still investigating the incident, but admit that they have few leads.

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Is this about that massive influx of points yesterday?

'Cause I thought we only got 7 points every 3 hours no matter what- yesterday I left it with like 21 at 3pm, came back at 12am and there was 156.

quote:

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Is this about that massive influx of points yesterday?

'Cause I thought we only got 7 points every 3 hours no matter what- yesterday I left it with like 21 at 3pm, came back at 12am and there was 156.

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Oh, Ken, you magnificent bastard... *laugh*

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Bravo!

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Amazing. *snerk*

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

I have a band on the Rock Star Game. How do I find any reviews written on it?

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

You don't - we write our own.

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Took me a bit to figure that out too.

Xero Kelvin back on track
New York(Reuters)
Rob Kelvin and his tight-knit group of fellow musicians have finaly reached a core group of fans between their home city of New York and Chicago. In their latest set of gigs, the attendance slowly soared to their first time with over a thousand fans listining to a great preformance of the same old songs from their single and unused ones, but played with renewed vigor. "I think it's starting to work out for us, but EP(Envelope) is still doing better" says Rob.

Meanwhile Envelope Pushers has taken on more musicians to become a bit of a bigger production than it was before. Adding on trumpeter Hank Zigramia, 2nd guitarist Moon Unit, and assistant programer Ewan Palmer, they recently recorded their best song yet, "Doomsday Birthday Party". While less people showed up recently at the EP gigs than Rob's personal gigs, this is mostly due to the larger bands mixed reviews- and a lopsided aproach to the new question of whether or not the future of individual musicians will be eaten by the programer. As Rob would have it, "These guys can play their own stuff better and know it better than I could synth it. And I think we need to give 'em that chance." Says Zigramia, "I'm just glad to have a job again man."

Kaufman , that was fucking outstanding.

The much anticipated new single from Spewie Lewis , "I Cant believe you spewed in my face" , is released in shops This Monday. Get yourself down there and pre-order a copy. Its gonna be huge!

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"Life Sucks, Then you Die. The bit inbetween isnt very funny either"

BAZILLA: "MY BEST SINGLE YET!"

Pop singer and song writer Bazilla, claim that his next single released will be his best, despite it being a cover. Bazilla revealed "I'm doing a cover of the massive hit for Jasper Carrott "Funky Moped"" The song which took the UK by storm in the '80s is hoped by Bazilla to sell more singles in it's first week than "Shut up and listen Y'all" did in 6 weeks. At this moment "why oh why oh spells YO-YO" is in it's second week but did not live up to hopes.

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I am not 16 going on not 17, I know that I'm naive.