I learned everything I know about college from internet porn by mikeweeney 10-25-02

HaXoRKiNg32: So bro, what'd you think of your first day of school? Terrible. Not a single drunken sorrority orgy the ENTIRE DAY. I feel so betrayed.

[br]
Hello everyone! I will begin by introducing myself, seeing as how I am a NEWBIE in the world of stripcreator. My name is Mike (may or may not be obvious), I am 19, and I am a college sophomore majoring in chemistry at the University of Rochester in Western New York. My life is consumed by school; my only respite being the wonderful freedom that Stripcreator provides (hah!). Actually I do musical theater and juggle, but who cares about that? Anyway, the point of all this rambling is to introduce the topic of the new contest: College. But that in itself is too broad, so I've narrowed it a little (and hopefully allowed for more humor) by making the topic [br]
Common Misconceptions About College Life[br]
I'm basically leaving it at that... no weird and wacky rules hindering the humor. For those of you too old to remember college, or those too young to go, or those bums who never went, it is ok to rely on stereotypes you may have seen in the movies or other media (like the internet).
[br]Entries will be judged on creativity and how much I laugh at them. Judging will be Thursday night, and not before. Enjoy!

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"I shall now explain to each and every one of you why I am your genetic superior, using only your first name as evidence." -- Something Positive

college life by boinky33 10-25-02

Hello, I'm new here in college and- Let's have a three some! Right after our hot and sweaty pillow fight! Then he woke up! You're an asshole, boinky!

I know it sucks, but it's late.
I'll have better ones later.

Here's one I like

the frat by boinky33 10-25-02

You have to take the oath in order to join thr frat! Okay, that's cool. Repeat after me: I solomy swear to always be loyal to the frat and to obey the every commands of the great Satan! Juh? Now drink the magic juice that will transport you to the space ship which will take all of us to the magical planet of Glictukmaburb! I got my testicles removed for THIS?

Everybody knows the correct phrase is "I salami swear"...

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Juh?

Needs more solomy.

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"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

hahahahahahahahahaha

Now I don't know if these are compliant enough, but I'll take a jab at it anyway:

What I said in my literature class today by Devin 2-08-02

Who would like to start our discussion on "Jane Eyre?" Well, I thought the book was way ahead of its time... especially the cyborgs. ...Er, no one watches "Friends" around here?

Why good physics students are bad at billiards by Devin 2-24-02

I win again! Man, you reek at pool! Aren't you supposed to be an A+ physics student? But I don't have time to calculate the force that I need to exert on the cue to get the desired velocity of the ball! And I need to find the coefficient of friction between ball and table, and...

A college hallway in Bizarro world by Devin 10-07-02

The transitive axiom states that if a is equal to b, and b is equal to c, then a must be equal to c. So I was like, "Hey, Bill, what's up," and he's like, "same old, same old," so Kelly was laughing. Thus, if we apply this to our problems, n^2 = 4x + y, and 4x + y = q^2, we see that n^2 = q^2... She was like, "Bill's always the same old, same old." Anyway, Kelly and I went to the mall-- um, hold up for a second. Excuse me, could you be a more quiet? I'm trying to carry a conversation out here in the hallway!

In my digital communications class by Devin 10-23-02

This is what you'll learn today-- Ha ha! HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... sorry, ha ha, sorry...

I decided to do Common Misconceptions About 1960s College Life.

CC 150: Protest by akirajim 10-26-02

What are you doing, Frederick? I'm killing every darkie I see on campus to protest Apartheid. It's totally cool you can stand up for what you believe in! Those were the best days of our lives. Which way to the dorms, man? This comic is not endorsed by the NAACP.

CC 150: A Crime! by akirajim 10-26-02

Wassup, Officer Longdong? There's been a murder on campus. A murder?! Oh no! Actually, several murders. Those were the best days of our lives. Actually, several mass murders.

CC 150: Woodshock by akirajim 10-26-02

Hey, Mr. Ay-rab, drugs are bad! Hey, Mr. Murderer, don't even think to binge drink. There's a little pragmatic poem for you! That's some good advice. Okay, move along, Commie. Please don't assrape me like the other officer did.

CC 150: Tension by akirajim 10-26-02

Excuse me. No.

CC 150: Do the Right Thing by akirajim 10-26-02

RIOT! RIOT! Kill Whitey! *Whitey* Okay, boys, get me the hose.

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~But now you realize / He's not selling any alibis~

CC 150: $|_1GHT M1$C0C3PT10|\|$ by Haxx0r_K1ng 10-26-02

Wow, judging by your Works Cited page, and the sheer bulk of this paper, it's obvious that you put a lot of time into this assignment. And_based_on_your_level of in class discourse on Søren Kierkegaard and his method of indirect communication, I'm certain that you have many insightful points to make on the subject. But I'm afraid that "J00 W1LL PH33R MY 733T P1L0xx0phy!!!" is not an appropriate opening statment for a thesis paper. "F" Fuxx0rz J00!!!!

1 w0uld h@ve g0tten @ be++0r gr@de 1f 1 h@d Wr1tten @b0ut N1etzsche's 733T Ph1l0xx0phy...

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Tempt th33 n0t my 733+ sk177z!!!

First I want to say that both I and the K1ng need to win a contest one of these days.

CC 150: Edyukashun not importunt by NeoVid 10-27-02

At last! I've graduated! After all this time and effort, I've finally got a good future ahead of me... *sniff* One year later Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

CC 150: Mental Giants by BigEvilDan 10-27-02

...and over there is the library, right next to it is the Political Science building. I can't believe I made it into this prestigious university. I'm actually following in the footsteps of some of our greatest minds! ...and right here is where President Bush was found laying in his own vomit! Welcome to financial services. How can I help you? Refund please.

CC 150: The Good Fight by BigEvilDan 10-27-02

Ah, student activists. What valiant struggle have you undertaken today? The government refuses to give me free money. You're on my list now, buddy! You just wait until the revolution comes!

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC 150: Academic Success Through Blood by deucepm 10-28-02

So, Bobby...I understand that your roommate committed suicide. Yeah, it was all tragic and shit. So where's my 4.0? It's just that this is your third roommate in a row to commit suicide by slicing himself up with a scythe. What can I say? I just attract very depressed people. Who are limber. And good with tools. You gonna 4.0 me or what? I'm just wondering why his suicide note read "Ahhhhh Oh God it hurts please stop chopping at my pink, helpless flesh." Hey, is it true that if the dean commits suicide, I get a free scholarship?

Freshman Follies by kaufman 10-28-02

There's no practice this afternoon. Want to head into town and throw back a few pitchers? Sorry, I can't. I've got class. Wait a minute. You actually fell for that gag about the Nebraska Cornhuskers having a university associated with them?

The Close Encounters Mashed Potatoes were also Fake by kaufman 10-28-02

Know what I am? I'm a zit! Eeew, you busted dozens of capillaries and gave yourself a concussion! Sure, John Belushi produced clean white pussy discharge, but it was all stuntmen and special effects. If you try that yourself, it will look more like this.

What They Don't Want You to Know by kaufman 10-28-02

If you don't go to college, there are thousands upon thousands of jobs out there for which you'll be well qualified. I'd like the cheeseburger value meal please. For here, or to go? And would you like cheese on that cheeseburger? Get a Bachelor's degree, and the number of available positions dwindles. Hello, I'd like to interview for a position as a manager at McDonald's. Was Commencement this weekend? You're our 965th applicant this morning! But stay on for a graduate degree, and you'll get the big prize. A set of finely tuned talents so esoteric, nobody will have any interest in you whatsoever. Who? Me bitter?

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Place this one between Elf Life 5 & 6 ...

Opportunity Throws a Brick by Namgubed 10-28-02

"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all ... Thanks for taking me on a personal guided tour of the university president's office ... My pleasure! And thus the native hue of relsolution is sicklied o'er by the pale cast of thought ... And this view from the roof of the admin building is simply breathtaking! SCROE!! ... and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of action." ... But it's geting late, and we should be heading back to the dorms, now. UN-SCROE!!

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"There's no point in beating a dead horse ... except, of course, for the pure joy of it." - A. Whitney Brown

CC 150: What the hell is an "Engineering" major? by Devin 10-28-02

Civils and mechanicals drool! Electricals rule! Lemme hear you say, "DOUBLE E!" Dude, why are you bashing fellow Engineering majors? 'Cause they're posers, not like the Electricals! DOUBLE E!

Bitter? Yes. Self-Indulgent? Yes. Funny? Well, no.

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I has a flavor!

This one I know is compliant:

CC 150: Students stage protests??? Since when? by Devin 10-28-02

Please give a round of applause to our next speaker! Um, hi. Originally I was gonna prepare a speech and protest with you guys... ...But I have a lab report due and a midterm on Friday, so I'm afraid I can't. Sorry.

Not sure about these:

Another juicy tidbit from my communications class by Devin 10-28-02

Here are some tips to help you do better in this class: try to understand the lectures and the material that we cover.

A time-delayed system is... evil? by Devin 10-28-02

So we see on the Nyquist plot that by increasing the gain of a time-delayed system, the system becomes unstable. So the point is that a time-delay is-- Evil! Um, you could say that, but I was thinking of a more professional term. Um... sinister?

CC 150: Media Studies by BigEvilDan 10-28-02

What's with the clown suit? If televison has taught me anything, it's that wackiness abounds on a college campus, and I want to be ready for it. So you're going to be wearing that to your classes? What? Classes. You are here to study, right? These had better be some wacky classes, or television is going to have a lot to answer for.

CC 150: Down For The Count by BigEvilDan 10-28-02

...so, what is the characteristic polynomial for again? If you solve for the unknown, you get the eigenvalues of A. And I can substitute those into the other equation to get the eigenvectors, which make up P. You got it. Okay, one more question. What is six times five? Let me get my calculator...

(I've actually noticed that my ability to do simple arithmetic has diminished since high school/university has allowed to use a calculator. There's probably a lawsuit in that somewhere.)

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"Oh, look, a joke! How original! Thank you, but if I wanted my emotions stimulated pleasurably, I'd get a whore." - Donald B. Jones III

CC 150 by Drexle 10-28-02

Whaddaya want, sonny? I'm about to go to college, and I wanna know what to expect. Like what do you wish you'd known back then that you know now? Out of all the things I experienced in college; the classes, the women, the drinking, there's one thing that sticks with me more than anything else... Yeah? When they say you'll be out in four years, it's a load of shit. Say, how's that term paper coming along?