I hope this hasn't been covered.

I thought it might be entertaining if people wrote comics about how their parents, guardians or parole officers first introduced them to the idea of sex. (Another post might cover your first sexual experience.) My friends have always said mine was a strange story, so I'll get things started with a pair of comics on the subject.

I didn't intend this as a contest, so please no wagering. But then if someone wants to be the judge and make a contest out of it, you are welcome to wear that hat.

On with the show.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

So, Why "Spankling?" by Spankling 6-08-01

My father and minister conspired to hire a prostitute to chaperone a sleepover in our church one summer night when I was about 13. I can't believe this is happening! So young and tender... I could make him do just about anything! They chose her well. She had an outrageous body and showed up wearing a thin white blouse with a black lace bra underneath. There are, like, 7 other guys on this sleepover. Where did they go? I'll just separate this one from the herd and have a little fun. She wanted us to screw under the cross on the alter, but that weirded me out too much. So I spent the night wrestling and spanking her in the youth room. Damn! My_hands_are_raw from_slapping_her_ass! How am I ever gonna jerk off after this? Come on boy! Put your arm into it!

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Why would your father and minister set you up with a whore? by Spankling 6-08-01

People_had_strange_ideas back then. They didn't mean to steer me toward hookers. They thought by awakening a part of me that was draw to the fairer sex... They wanted to make sure he didn't turn out gay. And did it work? Are you kidding? You should have seen this woman! Yeah. I was hot.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I have it on good authority that one of the other locals has this story to tell:

A long-time lowpasser reminisces by kaufman 6-08-01

Ok, Mister, which trees would you like taken out? All but this one. It's of sentimental significance to me. For it was under this tree that I first made love. And it was over there, just 20 yards away, that her mother stood watching us. Whoa, what did she have to say about it? Hee-haw, hee-haw.

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ken.kaufman@gmail.com

Hot damn. If I knew they had hookers at church, I would've gone a long time ago!

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

*ahem*

Sex and the Single DH-01 by DH-01 6-09-01

Well, I was introduced to the joys of sex a very long time ago. It was a moment I treasure fondly, a day when I crossed the threshold between being a boy and being a manly man. MOMENTARY FLASHBACK TIME! ... what do you want me to to with the receiver again, miss? I didn't quite hear you properly. Mmmm. I want you to take that big, red, hot receiver in your hand and stick it up your ass, baby! Mmmmm, yeah... then wiggle around and call me your mommy... mmmm, yeah! I only wish others could have enjoyed the weeks of rectal discomfort and the following days of surgery that Iwent through. Ah, those were the days.

-DH1

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Needs more sodomy.

This is a strip I did ages ago which is (loosely!) based on my Dad's attempt to talk with me about the "Facts of Life" - I was almost eighteen at the time, and had just lost my virginity a couple of days before (my Dad has always had incredible timing) and I had been doing "everything but..." with another girl for almost two years.

He sat me down and said, "Son, put the bins out!" by DexX 1-18-01

Hey, son! Where are you off to? *bleep!* Huh? WHy don't you and me sit down and have a talk? I can't remember the last time we - *bleep!* Sorry dad, in a hurry. But... but... we need to talk about the facts of life... Not now, dad. I scored a starring role in a new porn flick, and I'm due on set...

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This signature has performed an illegal operation and has been shut down.

Nibor learns the Birds and the Bees by Nibor 6-09-01

Nibor returns from his first year of college... So, honey, now that you've got a steady girlfriend and all, well, I thought we should talk about something... She's gonna give me the birds and the bees talk now that I'm 19? Your father and I, well, we were hoping that, you know, you would wait before doing...you know? You aren't doing that, are you? Well, actually...yea. And that was our Birds and the Bees talk. Seven years later, my mom discovered I drank beer, too. Oh. Well, never mind then. Mom, the really sad part is, this is the way it actually happened.

I'm really kind of saddened that my parents talk with me about sex fits in 2 1/2 panels, all in all.

It's hard to type with my toes by ObiJo 6-09-01

As an innocent 15-year old I hooked up with a psychotic who was trying to get pregnant. I missed my period. Wh..what?! So I prayed. Please God, if you make her not be pregnant, I'll never have sex again. Or at least till I'm married. Unfortunately, Jesus, like Jeopardy, must accept your first answer. Hiya, hot stuff. Beat it, creep.

Don't feel bad, mine didn't even get a cameo.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

And, here's the "First Sexual Encounter" strip:

No, Really. Donkey Sodomy is almost ALWAYS funny! by Nibor 6-09-01

Hi, my name is Nibor, and I'm here to talk about my first sexual experience. Hi, Nibor! See, I was raised in Texas, so I'm sure you can guess what it was like... *gasp* No, it wasn't me. It was some buxom young lass with long blond hair and big gazoombas. I was his second.

Okay, okay. So maybe this is more what really happened...

And that...is the REST of the story by Nibor 6-10-01

Spring break of my freshman year at college, I return to the frat house after a week of wild sex. Hey, guys. How was your spring break? OH MY GOD! You got laid, didn't you?!? It was the first time I had sex, and I hadn't really planned on making it public knowledge. What? HOLY SHIT! We didn't have a mike, but he did broadcast it over the house intercom system... NIBOR GOT LAID!!!!!!! *CHEER*

Frat guys are so...sensitive about such issues. I'm still not sure what gave it away. Damn I miss those guys. =)

Great! A mystery! Let's see... What did your face smell like at the time?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

Man, this thread is far, far too interesting for me.

Here we go again...

Women. Can't live with em, pass the beer nuts. by Nibor 6-10-01

My luck with women has been horrible. My first long term gf walked out on me... You're leaving? Yea, I'm going to live with some guy who is leaving his wife to be with me. I don't think you and him will be friends anymore. My second long term gf did much the same... You're leaving? Yea...But don't worry. I'll start dating your good friend, and I'll be okay. Bye bye! I shoulda done like pappy told me and stuck to bangin' the livestock You're leaving? Yea, your roommate is better in the sack.

Great! A mystery! Let's see... What did your face smell like at the time?

Okay, fine. Actually, I do know what gave it away. I was wearing some dorky necklace the chick had given me, and, well, they knew what that meant. Later, she became The Girl In Panel #1, above.

And to this very day, Nibor's roommate is STILL better in the sack...

quote:

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And to this very day, Nibor's roommate is STILL better in the sack...

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How Mom Introduced Me to Sex by Nibor 6-10-01

Honey, I'd like you to meet someone. Who, Mom? Nice to meetcha! This is Sex. Say hi and be nice, honey. You haven't been taking your medicine, have you, Mom?

I couldn't resist. I'm really, really sorry about it, though.

AI Dating Service by Nibor 5-09-01

Bob continues working with his new AI Bob, I've decided you need to get out more. So I've been finding you a woman. You what? I think this one sounds nice. Her name is Candy, and she "Loves to play with big hard dicks". Here's some of her pictures. How does that fit it....ew. How many people are in THAT picture? EW! And what's with the donkey? Bob, you need someone who loves animals. I mean, look at you. Hey!

I realized I also had a comic about my character Bob getting "introduced" to some sex. In my defense, this was written well before I actually read the message boards, so the donkey sodomy is completely unintentional.

Ya, like that will hold up in court.

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I ate a hooker half a bottle of knife.

quote:

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quote:

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And to this very day, Nibor's roommate is STILL better in the sack...

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Only with donkeys, roommate. Only with donkeys.

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Uh.... by boorite 6-11-01

The question is: "How did your folks introduce you to sex?" They didn't! My girlfriend did. Really? How novel! Yeah, she came down to the living room in a nightie, and we started doing it on the floor, and then we went up to her room. And the parents? Parents had no part in it. In fact, we waited 'til her folks were GONE.

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What others say about boorite!

Damn. After telling that story, I realized I will almost certainly never screw another barely-legal teen again.

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What others say about boorite!

Data glut by boorite 6-11-01

Son, we just want to make sure you use birth control. Yes, we realize a lot of couples don't wait until they're married. Ha! They'd be the first. Oh, Pete! Well, now I know something I NEVER wondered.

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What others say about boorite!

Both strips are true, except my mom's not a little Asian girl.

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What others say about boorite!

That reminds me of the following true story.

A bit of Americana by Spankling 6-11-01

Many moons ago I was crashing on the couch at a friend of a friend's. One of the guys who lived there (he was about 30) stumbles through the room dragging a drunk cheerleader (with big pom-poms). C'mon, baby. We don't have much time. Te he! *hic* They rattled the walls in the next room for about 30 minutes. Then they stuffed themselves back into what few cloths they had bothered to remove and he chucked her out the back door. Halftime must be over. You better get back. Sure thing! See you tomorrow? Te he! *moan* Hey, Spankster! Wake up and blow some weed with me! Wrestling is on! *click* Should I be disgusted or ask him how he gets away with that?

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet