As I mentioned elsewhere, I'm on vacation in Idaho. I was having a swell time, eating carbs like there was no tomorrow and being a shameless couch potato. And then reality punched me in the gut yesterday. I can't sleep. I can't feel joy. I'm writing this in the hope that this somehow helps.

Earlier in the week, my wife, Lisa, checked our cell phone for messages and found there was one there. It turned out to be an ex-roommate, but after the message Lisa said, "I was worried that that message would be the pet place calling to tell us something was wrong with Diva." I had been thinking the same thing, which is not that unusual an occurrence with my wife and I. Anyway, we were relieved that our hunch had been wrong.

We had reason to be worried about Diva (our cat). Although only 10 and a half, she had nearly died from various illnesses several times in the past. Now, she was diabetic, requiring insulin shots every day, and we had to put her into a pet boarding place capable of administering her insulin while we were away in Idaho. It meant Diva had to stay in a large cage for a week rather than being comfortable in our home, but that was better than her not getting medication. We had left Diva at this boarding place a few months ago when we went on a shorter trip and it had gone fine, so we figured everything would be OK this time. We worried anyway, of course.

Yesterday, we check the cell phone and find two messages. Lisa listens to the first one and I see a concerned look on her face. Lisa said that it was the pet place calling and that Lisa had been taken to the vet because she was lethargic and had stopped grooming herself. Lisa was about to call the vet but decided she should listen to the second message to see if it was an update about Diva. Lisa started listening to the message. The moment I saw a look of horror on her face, I knew what had happened. Diva was dead.

The vet had found that Diva's temperature was low and she appeared incoherent. They tested her blood glucose and found it was very high. While they had her on a heating pad and were administering IV fluids, her heart just stopped.

I can't wrap my mind around this. This can't be true. Diva has been a part of my life for over 10 years. Diva is a part of me. We could communicate without words. I was always there for her and she was always there for me. I could go on for a long time about how close Diva and I were, but I think you get the point.

I wonder how I'll tell various people who knew Diva. "Diva passed away" seems too pleasant. "Diva is dead" stabs me through the heart. I can barely think it. I can barely think about any of this without sobbing uncontrollable.

My wife is inconsolable. I watched her cry herself to sleep eventually and then I laid there for another 3 or 4 hours staring at the ceiling, trying to find an angle that would let me escape this grief.

A voice in my head says, "It was just a damn cat. Get over it. Save your emotions for human beings." That voice has no effect, though. No matter how I try to frame it, I have an emotional investment developed over a decade in this damn cat. It's too late to hold back my emotions.

OK, I'll just be logical. I'll be like an android with no emotions and just analyze the feelings and facts. No, I can't deny I have emotions. Maybe I can be like a Vulcan and control my emotions. I'll build a little wall around the fact that "Diva is dead" and not let my emotions see it. Well, fat chance. I find occasional relief from analyzing my own grieving process, but I can't stop the waves of grief from time to time.

When boorite lost Henry, he posted here and it seemed to help him. I don't know. When someone loses someone, we feel like we ought to express our sympathy but I have never thought that that really accomplishes anything. It just serves to remind the person about their loss. I already know that my family and friends feel bad for Lisa and me. Their saying it out loud will not add anything. Or am I wrong? I don't know. I do already know that I should be thinking about the good times and fond memories with Diva. I know that this grief will pass. I know that others have felt the same things and that they know what I'm going through and that they're sorry. Knowing all that doesn't seem to matter.

All I know is that my eyes are now dry and sticky and they sting. I can't think of anything else. I hurt. I want Diva back. She's in a box and I'm 2000 miles away, and I never got to really say goodbye. She spent her last days in a cage, being handled by strangers. I know I can't put the rest of my life on hold and just stay at home to be with my cat so I can be with her when she eventually dies, but I can't get the thought of her dying alone out of my head.

I want to throw things. I want to break things. I want it all to go away. I want Diva back.

No reply is necessary. I thought it would help to write all these thoughts down but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm going to post this anyway, though, in case I'm mistaken and it does help in some way that I just can't see right now.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

An expression of sympathy from me probably will not do much. Nor would recounting the loss of my old dog a few years back. Even breaking an ugly lamp brings only temporary relief, believe me.

Life is life and cannot be snatched back, human or cat. It is the one thing that merits the word precious. I can't feel your sorrow, but I feel the echo of my own and offer that as a bridge from where you are back to the world. It is a long shaky bridge, and others will need to build more.

You're a strong, resourceful and intelligent guy and you have a sound relationship with your wife. You will pull through. And in years to come there will be days when you forget. But not for long. Remember Diva well. Do her proud. Celebrate her life when you are ready.

Nothing but time does much good.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I'm sorry for your loss, wirthling. Judging from my own experiences, time does definitely make it better. Not that that makes me want to deal with pet death again. While others laugh, I'm fully in favor of Japanese robotic pet technology.

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www.bradsucks.net

It's difficult to lose that which you love. People, pets, friends, places and acquaintances that have held meaning for you....

Different people invest different emotions into different things and it's never easy to lose what is important to you. It is important to remember, however, that the little voice inside of our heads that forewarns us of not only our own mortality, but the mortality of all living things, is there for a reason. It keeps our sensibilities intact when we are met with grief. That most steely of reasonings helps to balance us emotionally in times of loss. We learn it from our grandmothers and from books and listening to conversations as a child. It is there to do battle with the grief we feel when we have lost that which we love, and the process is slow and difficult. We feel sadness, anger, inconsolable grief as our intellect and emotions do battle against the inevitable which is death. In the end, all of this this is resolved within ourselves as we press on with the balance of our own lives which, as we are very aware, must some day have a closing chapter as well.

But it sucks in the meantime.

I'm sorry about your cat, Wirthling.

I hope the battle moves swiftly.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I have nothing wise to say. I'm just entirely sympathetic. *hug*

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

Maybe that was a bit wordy. Sorry.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

i cant actually imagine giving a shit that much about a cat. am i a bad person?

I personally can't imagine anybody giving a shit as to whether you're a bad person or not. You'll have to sort that out for yourself and eat what you cooked, I suppose.

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I wanted my half in the middle and I wound up on the edge.

You're not a bad person for not understanding the deep attachment people have to their pets. You are a bad person for posting an insensitive comment about it in a thread that someone began in utter grief.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

You're not a bad person for not understanding the deep attachment people have to their pets. You are a bad person for posting an insensitive comment about it in a thread that someone began in utter grief.

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That and not using capitalization makes you downright evil, mr cummings.

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"Jelly-belly gigglin, dancin and a-wigglin, honey that's the way I am!" Janice the Muppet

I don't have anything useful to say, but I'm sorry for your loss. I know how awful it must be.

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The what mentioned above is total fiction. Please don't take it seriously!

it wasn't meant to be insensitive. i thought it might spark off an interesting debate but never mind.

What a load of crap. You said it because you wanted to piss people off. You thought it might spark a debate?

Have you ever walked into a funeral and said, "Hey, do corpses really need pants? You're gonna bury him anyway. Why not naked? Whoa, don't get testy! I just thought it might spark a debate!"

Unless you're just dumb, this is obviously not the time and place to start a debate on whether pets are important.

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100 pounds of shit in a 25 pound sack.

looks like i'm dumb then. sorri.

I just don't know what to say, Wirthling.

I, like many others, am at a lost for words. I'm a horribly emotional person and I'm really not looking forward to dealing with the same grief, I just hope that posting your feelings here has helped in some way.

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Dad was flammable

I know that sometime in the future, my dog will die. She's a great pet and everything. The thought of it makes me feel really bad.

Then my cat will croak, and he's one of my closest friends I've ever had(corney as that sounds). THEN life will really suck.

If i feel as bad as I do thinking about it, it's gotta only be worse for you. I feel for ya man.

Sorry to hear about your loss. Your feelings are justified, you've just lost a family member. There is no quick way to get over such a loss. Just take extra care of your selves and eventually the pain will lessen.

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

Thank you, wirthling. If there is any good that comes of this, it's this: You've given me some insight into what my wife will go through when her cats pass away.

The two of them have been her companions for 15 years now, and date back to her first marriage. I've only known these cats for about 5 years, so I'm not quite as attached, though I like them and they like me (if only as a provider of food and belly rubs).

They are very healthy indoor cats, and I suspect that they have a good five years left in them. But when the time comes... well, I'll be extra sensitive to her feelings.

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...Trot and Cap'n Bill were free from anxiety and care. Button-Bright never worried about anything. The Scarecrow, not being able to sleep, looked out of the window and tried to count the stars.

My sincerest apologies and sympathy to both you and and Mrs. Wirthling. It is not an easy thing to just get over, regardless of what anyone says. And for those folks who don't understand a human grieving for a pet...well, those sorts of people scare me.

You can do a search for sites listed under "Rainbow Bridge" they have lots of memorials and forums and you'll like minded folks there. It sounded hokey at the time, but I put a memorial online for one of my cats and it helped a lot during the initial phases.

Big hugs from myself and Arrycat.

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Women are fisher's of men because we all know.... The small ones you throw back. The medium ones you eat. The large ones you mount.

Boo!

What the holy fuck is your problem, kingofthehill? Just go away.

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I am a delicate fucking flower. https://beacons.ai/jesskent

Thanks for the kind and helpful words, all.

I don't really mind what kingofthehill said since I haven't got the slightest clue who he/she/it is. Besides, this is a web forum so one should not be surprised to see posts from people with no emotional connection.

I'm done with my unplanned break from SC, I suppose. In my effort to find something new and distracting, I started hanging out at rottentomatoes.com (it's a movie geek web site). It helps that I can get there at work, too (the proxy blocks SC). Unfortunately, the message boards are crawling with a lot of really annoying people. Rottentomatoes is the place to be if your current favorite web forum doesn't have enough egotistical blowhards, Tarantinophiles, or endless discussions about whether "The Two Towers" is awful or a masterpiece. I'll probably continue to hang out there, too, since there are occasionally good discussions. At any rate, it made me miss this place, so I'm back.

Yup. Back to the ol' manrape.

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"And Wirthling isn't worth the paper he isn't printed on."

Glad to have you back and I must say, I went through the same thing. I moved almost 3 years ago and left my dog of 10 years, behind. My parents decided they were unable to keep up with his medical needs and had him put to sleep without my consultation or approval. I still think of him dying alone, wondering why I had left him and where I had gone. The grief is still something I am unable to fully grasp and, almost 2 years later, is a fresh wound beneath when I pick at it.

I used to cry when I went away to camp for a week and left him behind, thinking of how he must feel to have me abandon him because he didn't know I would ever be back. That possibly he just thought I had left him and didn't love him anymore. After coming back from a year away, it was as if I had never left him. Still the best pal I ever had. Pets are amazing, Wirthling. They have amazing tolerance and understanding and they are so capable and full of love, I am sure that your Diva knew you weren't leaving her in an ill manner and that you still loved her dearly.

Sorry for your loss, though my post is later than everyone else's.

Cheers.

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dcomposed:11-06-05: If I was a viking invading your village, you'd be the first to get raped.
Crabby: 10/5/06: i would love to feed you fresh fruit while bathing you.

Okay, I'll take you back, but we're going to have to get some counseling.

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www.bradsucks.net