All comics by Barf2

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by Barf2
6-09-04
Mike admits he's gay to the world!
I am so gay! Thank you, good night!
Mike meets a boy!
I like, like your sense of, like, style.
Thanks. I like your pale unhealthy skin and fat computer nerd ass... Wanna fuck?!
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!
That was amazing, and when you put--OH MY GOD!!!
I forgot to mention... I'm a dinosaur!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
They discuss this dinosaur matter...
HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME YOU WERE A DINOSAUR!
Well don't fuckin' tell me who I fuckin' can and can not fuck, you fuckwad! Fuck you!
Okay... Look, I'm sorry baby. I'm just not use to getting buttfucked by a dinosaur.
Well it's hard for me to splooge when your dick is a matchstick in comparison to my body!
Looks like we have some real issues to work out, bitch.
Well... Let's go out for coffee, butternut.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
The coffee shop was closed
Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck! The fuckin' coffee fuckin' shop is fuckin' closed. Motherfucker, huh, sweethart?
Yeah. Well, fuck those coffee fuckers. Let's go fuck.
This canyon is a good place to fuck. So, let's fuck! FUCK YEAH!
Alright, do me like you did my human costume last night!
They fucked!
Fuck, you fuckin' ugly-ass piece of shit! FUCK!!! FUUUUUUUCK!!! Uhhh... I'm spent.
Um... Oh yeah--oooh! Ahhh!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Fuck, what the fuck do you want to do now, fuck bitch cock monkey shit coated buttfucking dino-bitch?
I need to sleep, gather food for the winter, and kill some innocent children. Go fuck a hoe.
Mike does exactly what his homosexual dinosaur partner suggests...
Het stud. What do you want?
I need some "action" if you know what I mean.
Blowjobs are $50, handjobs are $25, ass play is $100, pussy is $125, titty is $10 per titty, and if you get anything in my eyes it's an additional $30.
Uhhh... I got a buck.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Alright, that was good... except for you screaming in pain... I think you're a minor. Anyways, bye!
Ba-bye! Next time bring a full 100 bucks and you'll get more than just 1/100 of the pussy. Good thing you're a quick cummer.
Mike is lonely :(
I miss my jurASSic lover. I can't keep fucking these hoes though... I need to find someone else.
Meet Mr. Sharkfucker!
Well hey there--whoa. You're hot.
Ummm... Hi... Wow... You're one sexy bitch.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Mike ****ed Shark****er up his bleeding *******
That was incredible.
Yup-yup... But, uh... I got something to tell you...
DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!
I'M A DINOSAUR!!! RAWR!!!
NOOOOOO!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
WE'RE EVERYWHERE! THERE'S NO GETTING RID OF US! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Why are you monsters doing this to me?!
Because! That's why! Muhahahahahahahaha!
NOOOO! *sob sob* I must run away due to all of this emotional stress! And, although it may appear that I'm walking, my feet are actually moving really fast, but you can't see my feet, can you?
Boo-hoo! I need to go shopping!
Mike! Come back! Where are you going, my cuddle-bunny?

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
That purse is to die for.
Mike, talk to me!
Look, I can't do this... Dinosaurs are just too much for me!
Well... Good thing you wondered into this laboratory instead of the mall. We can genitically alter me!
You... You'd do... You'd do that for me?!
Of course, buttercup.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Don't be afraid, honey. I'm right out here.
Turn it on already!
It's on!
AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
You okay, sweetiekins?!
Yeah... I feel exactly the same.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Hmmm... Maybe I should get a little genitic altering... Just so we look better together.
Alright, go ahead...
Oooh... This is so perfect. This is the happiest moment of my life!
Alright! Now we're the perefect couple!
I'm so happy!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
...And so life went on for the next three months. I'd like to tell you that they lived happily ever after, but that just isn't the case when it comes to Mike...
I love you!
And I, you.
But then things went wrong...
Hey, what are you doing? Where's my dino--er... My priest... slash... boyfriend...?
Son, you're a victim of child moe-less-tation... Do you need any comforting?
WHAT?! No I'm not! I'm not even a kid! I'm an adult, I just genitically manipulated my body to become a kid so that we could be happier together!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Mike went to visit his lover in jail.
Hey, sweethart. I'm gonna bust you out!
No. Please don't. After becoming a priest, I've learned of the joy of the Christ. Plus, I get lovin' 24/7 in here.
*sniff* I'm so alooooone... I'm so alone... *PHHSS* I'm just a kid, and life is a nightmare! I'm just a kid and I know that... blah-blah-blaaah!
Mike meets someone else...
Hey kid, you've got a beautiful voice.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Fuck yeah I do. So, you sexy piece of fuckin' shit, wanna fuck or not?
Fuckin' right, motherfucker!
That sucked... I didn't cum or anything! I think it's this god damned boy body of mine.
Well, you're not gonna leave, bitch. You're my sex slave forever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You're making me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!
Oh yeah? Go ahead. Try something.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Mike's "friends" came to help.
That's right you piece of shit! You're mine! Forever! And there's nothing you can do about--
MOTHERFUCKER! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MIKE?!
Praise the lord, bitches. I believe in god, motherfucker!
:: INTERMISSION! ::
Enjoy a refreshing Pepsi in the lobby! Pour it on the bitch next to you so you can see her lucious boobies!
Go buy a bucket of hot buttery popcorn. Be sure to hit on the girl at the counter; having sex in the popcorn machine after hours is an experience to die for!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
:: INTERMISSION! ::
Buy some milk duds; drop them into some bitches tits as an excuse to feel her jublies.
Buy some licorish; if you gotta a pretty momacita you can use it to jack her off later!
Be sure to pick up a few jaw breakers; they make great anal beads!
No movie is a movie unless you buy some nachos! ...or at least... the nacho cheese. :D
Well, enjoy the rest of the movie!
This is your last chance to go grab some whoppers for those of you with smaller rectums.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
The t-rex ran off in fear of the plant eater and the worker of god...
Thanks for helping, Sharkfucker.
No problem, little Mikey.
Thanks for helping... but... I want to break up!
You can't break up with the lord.
RAPE!!! RAPE!!! OH MY GOD!!! RAPE!!!
NOOOO!!!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Sharkfucker decided to help Mike alter him again...
Alright, I need you to just press the red button, Sharkfucker!
Alright!!!
AGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! DEAR GOD!!! NOOOOO!!!
Alright... How do I look?
You look... Ummm... Just like new... I guess... Whatever, let's fuck!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
GO GRAB SOME PEPSI NOW, MOTHERFUCKER!
IT'S YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO GET LAID!
My life seems meaningless...
Don't say that, Mike.
I need to do something before I die... Hmmmm...
Run for president. I'd vote for you.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
And so Mike addressed the nation for the second time in his life...
If you vote for me, I'll pull us out of Iraq!
Booooo! I love war, and I love Bush! Boooo!!!
...So that when we nuke the fuckers we don't kill any of our soilders!
Yaaaaaaay! I love war, and I love Bush! Yaaaaay!
If you vote for me, I'll do anything you want!
Yaaaaaay! I have no clue what's going on! I vote for the chessboard!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
If you vote for that fucktard you're degrading America. Vote for me. I'm a pig. Just like Reagan, and that fuckhole got a memorial day 'n shit.
Boo--yaaay!!! Vote the pig--vote the board--pass the reafer, fuckhead.
Just listen to this little bitch.
Hello, America. If you need some lovin' and have some cash on you, call me! 555-5554. Anyways, yeah, I had sex with the other candidate.
See! He had sex with a member of the opposite sex. That shit got Clinton slapped around.
Yaaaaaaaaay! I vote for the pig! That chessboard is boring and dull. The pig rocks!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
I did not have sexual relations with that--okay, I did. But I only payed a buck so I doesn't count.
Booooooo! You suck! Yaaaaay! The chessboard is only human... er... something... we've all got urges!
LOOK AT THAT SEXY BITCH SITTING UP FRONT! DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD SOME PEPSI?!
WE ALL KNOW YOU WANT TO GAZE UPON HER BIG JUICEY TITTIES!!!
If you vote for me... I'll look into hydrogen powered cars. I'll help the global warming problem. I'll kill all the homeless!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! CHESSBOARD! CHESSBOARD!!! CHESS... ect...

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
After the debate, Mike went to talk to that bitch he had fucked.
Bitch, how could you betray me like? All you hoes are the same!
Whatever, Mike. You only payed a dollar!
That does it! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!
OH MY GOD!!!
That's right bitch! Shit, now I gotta dispose of the corpse!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Candy 2004 - 2004 :: She was a good hoe while she lasted
Go get some licorish... In memory of Candy.
The final presidential debate...
I'm gonna kick your ass, you fuckin' ugly stupid-ass shitwad.
We'll see...
I got smarts you don't!
Is that why you forgot to put a comma after "smarts", genius?

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Question #1: What will you do with the situation in Iraq?
Fuck them! Nuke the sonuvabitches!
It's a delicate situation. With the mess GW Bush made going into Iraq, for no reason I might add, I'd clean that mess up, move our troops out of there, and continue to help maintain their government.
Question #2: With global warming heating up the world, what will you do to stop this?
Fuck global warming! My plan is that if the world is really hot then skin colors will darken over time and soon we'll all be black and racism will end!
The amount of CO2 factories spew is ridiculous. I'd get them to lower the CO2 and I'd monitor their activities aggresively.
Question #3: China has advanced to space travel. What effect will this have on your presidency?
Their commies! Fuck 'em! I'll nuke their asses!
I wouldn't worry so much about them. Their stock market seems to be doing a good job converting their nation to a capitolism. Give it another fifty years and they'll be just like us Americans!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Question #4 (Final question): What will be your primary goal as President?
Goal? Who said anything about a goal? Hell, I'd just nuke Iraq, colonize the sun, and land the moon!
To heal the Ozone, make peace with our rival nations, and get rid of the national debt.
VOTE COUNT: Chessboard: 200 million :::: Pig: 50 million
I knew I'd win!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
As my first act as President, I order this pig to death!!!
FUCK THIS COUNTRY!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
So... Now that you're president, what're you gonna do?
Well... There's a web-comic called "Mike the bitch" about a gay man with a horrible life. I find this comic to be offensive. I'll get that taken down.
What the fuck?
You're right, I got bigger fish to fry... I think I'll take over the world!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Go buy some Swedish Fish. I don't know how because I was blindfolded, but they're great!
Iraq not only has WMD's, but they also have many Hulks in containment cells underground!
*GASP*
WE MUST NUKE THEM FOR THE SAKE OF AMERICA!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
This is Hoss. He'll be replacing Candy from now on.
Yup, go pur-chase some murk doods. They'll burn your stomach like a cane field in the hiiiiigh winds!
Meanwhile in the depths of hell...
The one above... Mike... He is bringing about the end of the world!
Yeah... So where's my 50 bucks?
SILENCE LITTLE ONE! Keep your mouth shut... well... for now... Listen, my time is coming! I will soon take over their precious Earth! Muhahaha!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
All I need to do is wait for the death of millions... Then I will have my window... Then Earth is mine, and heaven will have to open their gates! Muhahahaha!
Meanwhile, Mike meets up with his his childhood rapist...
You're late.
A wizard is never late, Mike. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
That's not very funny. But nice try.
I come with troubling news. The dark forces are rising. We must destroy the ring of power!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
The plot thickens!
What's going on, Wangdalf?
The cock-ring of power! It must be destroyed!
Oh... Phew... I thought you'd be mad that I broke it.
You already destroyed it? Oh... Well, good. I guess we have nothing to worry about.
Two months later...
Who saw this coming...?
I owe all this to you, Mike. Thanks a lot!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Later that day...
How could I let this happen...?!
Hello, President Mike. I come with news from the oracle. You must come at once.
Oracle? What...? What's an oracle? Is that like... the whale that has big white eyes and stars in movies like Free Willy... and Free Willy 2... and Free Willy 3... and Free Willy: The Land Before Time
Er... An oracle is like an old chubby woman who foresees the future. Yeah... Just go see her!
Where is this "oracle?"
Just follow the smell of the cookies.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
The oracle...
Oracle?
Not quite what you were expecting?
Not really... ummm...
Yeah... Don't worry 'bout that vase.
What vase?
Oh, nevermind.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Know thyself... Sooner or later you're going to have to make a choice... to go back in time and save the world, or to not.
Uhhh...
Now here... Have a cookie... I made it by foot.
I MUST SAVE THE WORLD!!!

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
HEY! DUDE, DON'T NUKE THE WORLD!
Huh?
Resign your presidency to that pig, otherwise we're all doomed!
Ummm... Okie-dokie.
Alright... Now I just gotta wait to vanish...
Those brownies must be kickin' in.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Meanwhile in hell...
HE DIDN'T NUKE THE WORLD! THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!
Well that's gonna cost you another $100.
SILENCE, CANDY! I LOST MY CHANCE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
You need to relieve some stress.
Okay, fine...
No one can resist the Candy.

 

by Barf2
6-09-04
Go get some M&Ms! They're good to pass when Frenching!
Yes-sir-eee! Dem Emer'Ms are suuuuuuure good! Yup, yup!
Well, now what do I do?
Beats me...
Nah, that gets old, and my hand is starting to ache.
Darn.

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
...at the other end of town...
So, is this what you were talking about?
Yes, you look just like him. Now let's make the tape!
Later that day...
My fellow Americans... You may have heard me say that I'm gay before. Well, I'z just jokin'! I say kill the gays!
OMG!!!
My lord, the agent has fulfilled phase one.
Good! Muhahaha! Good indeed. Continue onto phase two!

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Yeah, now grab your foot and bend it behind your back.
President Mike! You're under arrest for attempt at genocide!
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?!
Alright, we'll continue this later. Remember to start using one banana every night.
Alright. I guess I'll go back to school. I got a spelling test anyways...

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Later at the police dep...
Mike... Pfft... Scumbag! We saw the tape, you piece of shit.
Ummm... Who the fuck are you?
Later at the police dep...
I have to go undercover to the animal lovers ball later tonight. Anyways, what do you have to say in your defense?!
Look, I didn't know she was underage. I mistaked an ASB for a DMV! BIG FUCKING DEAL!
Later at the police dep...
Uh, that wasn't what I was talking about. I meant the video where you proclaim your hatred to the homosexual community!
Fuck that, I'm a homosexual! Why would I hate the rest of my buttfucking brothren?

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Meanwhile in hell...
Muhahahahahahaha! When he wages war on the gays, the world will be mine!
He's in jail right now, you dumb fuck.
DO NOT LECTURE ME ON THE VALUES OF MASTURBATION, WOMAN!
What the fuck?
Brother, what the fuck are you doing with--is that a... Motherfucker, you and your hoes! Anyways, the world will be mine soon. We have a certain business goin' down up there.
Brother! What business?

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Meanwhile on Earth...
I instate the Patriot Act, and I shall use its power to find and kill every last gay on US soil!
And off we go to kill the gays in the name of the Confederation of Mike!
My lord, phase two is underway. The gays are being slaughtered as we speak.
Good! Muhahahaha! Now... we've come to the moment of truth... proceed with phase three!
:: INTERMISSION! ::
Go buy some delicious diet soda and popcorn! You'll die someday anyways... Might as well come to hell with memories! Muhahaha!
The devil uses popcorn butter for our lube, and so should you!

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
I have notified he who shall not be named.
Good! Now... proceed with secret directive #4...
...in hell...
Muhahahahahahaha! The prophecy is fulfilled! Earth is mine!
I got jizz in my eye.
...in jail...
God dammit... Who the fuck started war on the gays?!
I don't know... But you're gonna have to go talk to him.

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Mike, meet Mike.
Hey, fuckbag, what the fah... Oh my god... Who the fucking hell do you fucking think you are, motherfucker?!
You don't remember, do you...? You don't remember what you use to be?
You're not me. I'm me!
You're a chessboard! Homosexuality and genitics have destroyed the person you were!
No... NOOOOO!!! I'LL KILL YOU!
It's too late, Mike.

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Wha... What do you mean it's too late?
It's only a matter of time before the Dark Lord rises up and conquers all that is known!
Suddenly the scenary changes into a horrible world of pain and fire!
Oh my god... the devil's taken over... The Dark Lord did rise up...
This "devil" of yours is only a pawn in our game! Soon the true Dark Lord will emerge!
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY!
Muhahahahahahahahaha! And by the way... Your jurassic priest lover says "hi."

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Later on da streets...
Hey, fly fucker! Where's the Dark Lord? I know you know what I need to know, so just tell me!
I know nothing! Bzzzzz!
I'll rape you.
Okay, okay... He's on the moon. That's all I know. Bzzzz!!!
Fly me to the moon! Let me play among the stars! Let me see what spring is like on... Jupiter and Mars! In other words... ooh-oh, in other wooooooords...!
...yeah, sure, I'll give you lift to the moon.

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
Later on da moon...
What the fuck...?
Ahhhh... Mike. I've been expecting you.
Listen up, cheese-dick! You got three seconds to surrender! One...
Surrender? My, my, my... Why the fuck would I surrender when I'm so close to universal dominace?
Ta... Two... >:(
Being the right hand man of the devil, doing his dirty work... It's not a life I enjoy, Mike. That is why I must rule this petty excuse of existence.

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
THREE! There, now go ahead. Kill me.
Holy fuck, I'm being lured into a trap! I BETTER STRIKE!
...go ahead Mikey...
WACHAAAA!!! Whoa... Holy shit, I did it!

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!!!
Not so quick there, Mikey-boy...
Muhahahahahahaha!
What the...? No, it's impossible! I squashed you into nothing! MOTHERFUCKER!!!
I'm invincible! You kill me, I go to hell, I come back up! NO ONE CAN KILL ME BUT GOD HIMSELF!!!

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
GEEEAAAAHH!!!! NOOOO!!!
Praise the lord!
That's right, motherfucker! And by the way, I'm a girl, you sexist dickwad!
Uhhh... God... Er... Goddess... Can you send me back to Earth to save the world? Please?

 

by Barf2
6-10-04
And so God the Goddess sent Mike back to Earth to confront the devil...
Alright, Satan, it's time you and I rumble! I ain't taking no more of this "taking over the world" shit! BRING IT ON MOTHERFUCKER!
I'm not Satan. I'm the Jersey Devil. Satan is to your right. I just work for him part-time.
Quite...
Alright, Satan, it's time you and I rumble! I ain't taking no more of this "taking over the world" shit! BRING IT ON MOTHERFUCKER!

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