All comics by rfmodulator

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by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Hey, toots, how 'bout a blowjob?
You misogynist pig.
See if I ever call YOU again, bitch.

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Hey, little girl -- do you like head?
You're a pervert! I'm gonna tell my daddy!
Does HE like head?

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Why, hello there Officer Cockroach! What brings you around on this fine day?
Drugs, Red Phone.
We got an anonymous call that a known crack dealer was spotted in this vicinity. You see anything?
Yoiks!

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Egads! It is my evil arch-nemesis, Enohp Der!
Hello, sucker!
What are you doing here in the graveyard, you fiend?
Er...
...well, I'm NOT digging up the corpse of Audrey Hepburn so I can hump it, that's for sure.

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
So, lesser demon of the seventh circle of evil -- now that I've summoned you to do my bidding, what now?
YOUR WHIM IS MY COMMAND, OH DARK MASTER. SIMPLY SAY THE WORDS, AND I SHALL USE MY EVIL POWERS TO MAKE IT COME TO PASS.
...can you turn yourself into my ex-girlfriend and smack my balls on your chin for an hour?
Hoo-HA! God bless Aleister Crowley!

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Why, hello Bipolar Squirrel! What brings you about this fine day?
I lost my fucking meds again. Have you seen them?
Oh, no. You'd better find them quick. You know how you get when---
GYEEEAAARRGGH!!!
No good will come of this.
TIME TO PAY THE PIPER, AUNT JEMIMA!!!

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
The Red Phone tests out his latest eBay purchase.
Tecbot X-19, transmorph to mode 2.
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Very good, Tecbot X-19. Now transmorph to mode 3.
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Very, VERY good. Now run program "cock sucking frenzy."
AS.YOU.COMMAND.

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
The Red Phone sends Tecbot X-19 on a mission.
I.HAVE.BEEN. INSTRUCTED. BY.MY.MASTER. THE.RED.PHONE. TO.KILL.YOU. AND.TAKE. YOUR.PLACE.
That fucking evil bastard!
ACTIVATING. HEAT.LASERS.
GYAAAAAAAAH! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
MISSION. ACCOMPLISHED.
I AM SLAIN! THE HORROR!

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Tecbot X-19 returns from it's mission.
So, did you murder the stupid bitch?
Nice try, Red Phone. I was on to your plan and let my clone go to work for me today.
You're not Tecbot X-19! You're Laura, my ex-girlfriend! What have you done with my minion?
Here, I'll go bring you what's left.
Nuts! I'm sending you a bill for this, you evil whore!
SYNTAX.ERROR.

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Serves you right.

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Why, hello there, Bipolar Squirrel! And how are you this beautiful day?
Abso-fucking-lutely wretched.
Because your car got broken into this morning, and someone stole your stereo?
How'd you know that?
Oh, word gets around pretty fast in these parts. Say, I happen to have a Blaupunkt lying around that I'm willing to let go cheap.
I'm calling Officer Cockroach.

 

by rfmodulator
2-26-01
Say there, little girl -- do you know what a "dirty Sanchez" is?
My daddy says you're a bad man!
Well, it takes one to know one.
I'm gonna tell!
Shit.
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR FIRST AID KIT, FUCKNUT.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Jesus H Cherrypicker! You look like Hell, Red Phone! What happened?
Funny you should ask, Officer Cockroach. I just had the shit kicked out of me by the little girl's dad.
Well, that cinches it then. We've been trying to nail that guy for narcotics distribution for weeks. You just gave us the smoking gun we needed!
No stuffing! Well, don't that beat all.
Yeah... it's just a shame that poor little girl has no where to go.
Oh, I'm sure something will be arranged. Say, you don't happen to know the phone number of the foster care people offhand, do you?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Well, little girl, looks like your daddy's gonna be locked up for a good, long time. Wanna stay at my house?
No way! I already got a new mommy from foster care!
Oh? Does she give good head?
I'm tellin! MOM!
Oh, for fucksake.
Can you spell "restraining order," Red Phone?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Well, after hours of toil and sweat, I've finally gotten Tecbot X-19 back in working order.
AWAITING. COMMANDS.
Transmorph into mode 3 -- in which you take the guise of my ex-girlfriend, Laura -- and make sweet love to me until the windows rattle.
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Apparently there are still some bugs in the works.
BEND.OVER.AND. GRAB.YOUR.ANKLES.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Okay, let's try this again, Tecbot X-19. Transmorph to mode 3.
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Terrific! Now run program "cock swallowing fervor."
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Shit.
SYNTAX.ERROR.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Why so glum, Red Phone?
Eh, it's my X-19 Tecbot, Bipolar Squirrel. For some reason, every time I program it to have sex with me, something goes horribly wrong.
Gee, that's too bad.
Yeah, well, it does have it's other uses.
Elsewhere:
MOMMY.SAYS. TAKE.OFF. YOUR.SKIRT. LITTLE.GIRL.
I feel funny in my tummy!

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
So, Red Phone: you sent your transformable robot sex toy to my house, disguised as me, to sodomize my foster daughter? You truly are an evil bastard.
Can you possibly have anything at all to say in your defense?
Did the video record okay?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Hello, Laura. I hear you're seeing somebody new.
Not that it's any of your business, but yes.
Well, I hope his cock is as thick as mine, truly I do. Who's the unlucky bastard?
Here he comes now.
God hates me.
Red Phone! How are you, old salt?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
So, lesser demon of the seventh circle of evil -- just how powerful are you?
WITH A SINGLE THOUGHT I CAN EVAPORATE MERE MORTALS INTO A FINE SUBATOMIC MIST, SENDING THEIR SOULS INTO AN ETERNAL TORMENT.
Can you destroy my ex-girlfriend?
HEY, NOW -- I'M NO MIRACLE WORKER, JACK.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Why, hello there, Red Phone.
Sweet honey in the rock! It's actress Anne Heche!
Yeah, well, I'm not much of an actress anymore. Ever since I came out of the closet as Ellen Degeneres' gay lover, no studio will look at me.
Gee, that's too bad. I really loved you in "Wag the Dog."
Thanks. You got change for the pay phone?
Sorry, flat busted. Say, are you still gay?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
No way! You had sex with Anne Heche?
It wasn't all that great, actually. I can tell she's still gay.
Well, at least you're getting some. Laura broke up with me this week -- said she "needed some space."
Hmm...
Do you think I'm a competent actress?
Shut up and fuck me, stardust.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Mother Teresa's blessed stench! It's my evil twin, Enohp Der!
Surprise, jackass!
What vile plan are you hatching now, wretch?
Why, I've planted a bomb in your secret underground lair, Red Phone! MUHUHAHAHA!
This is YOUR secret underground lair, you dipshit.
God fucking damn it.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
I didn't know you used to fix complex robotic systems for the CIA, Officer Cockroach.
Yeah, for about 4 months -- then I got a position on the local police force. Much better benefits.
Well, nail me to a cross and call me INRI. Thanks again for fixing my X-19 Tecbot!
Hey, no sweat, old pal.
And now, for the unbridled misogyny.
SHUT.UP.AND. FUCK.ME.STARDUST.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Say there, Bipolar Squirrel -- you haven't seen Red Phone around, have you?
Can't say I have, Officer Cockroach. Is he in trouble?
Oh no, not at all. I fixed his X-19 Tecbot yesterday, and I forgot to tell him something very important about it.
Oh?
"Yeah. The vaginal lubrication reservoir is out of fluid."
IT BURNS!
SYNTAX.ERROR.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Officer Cockroach, you corn-eating shithead! Since you forgot to tell me that X-19's vaginal reservoir ran dry, I've been chafing for a week!
Hey, my bad. It was an honest mistake.
Yeah, well, I just found out today that the company that manufactures the proper lubricating fluid has gone belly-up. Now what?
Oh, that's no problem. A 70/30 mix of motor oil and pineapple juice will work just fine for the X-19 series.
And how exactly do you know this?
At this time I would like to plead the Fifth Amendment.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
So, Doctor Schematic -- what's the science lesson you'll be teaching us today?
Well, Red Phone, today we're going to observe the deliterious effects of high-level gamma radiation on carbon-based organisms. Excuse me while I step into the reactor core.
Running low on test subjects this week, Doctor?
I need an Advil.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Tecbot X-19, transmorph to mode 2!
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Whammo! Now that's a ride, jack.
The Red Phone boards his magnificent star-chariot.
Set course for White Castle, biznatch!
COORDINATES. ACKNOWLEDGED.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
The Red Phone flies to the White Castle drive-thru aboard his astounding transforming rocket.
May I take your order?
I want a sack of burgers, and put a JATO on it!
Yo, you can't be talkin' to me like that.
I demand prompt, quality service! You people are what's wrong with America today!
What, black people?
No! Minimum-wage foodservice workers!

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
After his scrumptuous meal, the Red Phone decides to pay a visit to Laura aboard his fantastic rocketship.
What in the name of Lon Chaney is this?
Guess who's comin' to dinner!
Red Phone! What are you doing in my house? And where on Earth did you get a rocketship?
Not bad, hey? That's my good ol' X-19 Tecbot in mode 2. Try not to be too jealous, it's unhealthy.
One could draw the obvious parallel between vehicular ownership and penis envy.
Hoo-HA! Shecky Green, ladies and gentlemen!

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
So why did you bring your rocketship to my house?
Why, just to show off, of course. If you'd like a ride in it, I may be persueded via the usual methods of fellacio.
Drop dead, you fixating piece of rancid shit.
Hey, your loss toots. I got other options.
Later:
Wow! Izzis a real space-type rocket?
Hey, I ain't payin' you to yammer, crackwhore. Make with the dick sucking.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Okay, tell me what happened from the beginning, Black White Castle Guy.
Well, Officer Cockroach, this motherfuckin' rocketship comes blasting into the drive-thru, and the pilot yells, "Give me all your goddamn burgers or I'll burn this fucking building to the ground."
A rocketship? That's pretty odd.
Well, I know there's a guy around here who has one. I've seen him before...
Wow! Izzis a real cow-meat burger?
Don't suck dick with your mouth full, crackwhore.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Son of an overused cliche! It is the bane of my existence, Enohp Der!
Salutations, cuntlicker!
What deviltry do you commit today, enemy?
Using my superior mind science of the mind, I have trapped you in a temporal vortex! MUHUHAHAHA!
This is a PhotoShop filter, your yammering simp.
Oh, for fucksake.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
So, lesser demon of the seventh circle of evil -- if you can't destroy my girlfriend, what CAN you do to her?
WELL, I COULD POUR THAT CLEAR PALMOLIVE DISH SOAP ALL OVER HER CAR.
WHEN IT DRIES, SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL. THEN, THE NEXT TIME IT RAINS, HER CAR STARTS FOAMING LIKE A RABID MUTT! ISN'T THAT A GAS?
You are the lamest fucking demon I have ever seen in my entire life.
HOW MANY HAVE YOU SEEN?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Go to www.thechisa.com, computer.
BEEP
Egads.
I knew I should have never gone over to Windows ME.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Well, my computer caught fire while trying to browse the internet.
Fortunately I am not without a plethora of hobbies to bide my time.
...and then, I want you to wrap your thighs around my head and squeeze me like a lemon.
AS.YOU.COMMAND.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
I would like to take a moment to discuss the rampant misogyny found in this comic.
I think that this fixation with female sex robots is insulting to women everywhere, and degrades all human society. I am thoroughly appalled by the situation.
You're just jealous because Tecbot X-19 can do the "lampshade" position better than you.
Die in flames, you festering boil on a yak's ass.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Why so glum, Melancholy Komodo?
I had a date with Laura last night, and she stood me up.
Gee, that's too bad, old buddy. Hate to say I told you so, but the woman is a total cunt, you know.
Yeah, shoulda listened to you. Well, see you around.
MISSION. ACCOMPLISHED.
I think I love you.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
The denizens assemble to express their griefs to the proper authorities:
The Red Phone is a fucking jerk. He broke into my car and stole the Blaupunkt stereo out of it, then tried to sell it back to me!
Yeah. He put his X-19 Tecbot in mode 3 and made me think it was Laura, then proceeded to have it stand me up for a date.
He continually belittles, sexually harasses, and attempts to murder me.
He's a bad, icky man!
So what are you going to do about it, Officer Cockroach?
Hmm. You do all make a valid point. I suppose I'll have a word with the lad next time I see him at the whorehouse.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Seventeen million picoseconds ago in the Matrix:
Trinity! I must escape this madness!
Take the red pills, Neo.
If you say so. Got a glass of water?
First, make violent love to me until I stutter like an epileptic.
Later:
God is dead, and they're selling the estate.
Sixteen Coricidin will do that to you.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
The Red Phone holds his first press conference.
Hello, gentle readers. I have an important announcement to make.
On the advice of my attourneys, I must ask my fellow online cartoonists to cease using my name and likeness in their strips.
I trust that you will not force me to take action in this matter. It wouldn't be pretty.
WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU HIDE THE COFFEE, YOU ROTARY-DIALING RED FAGGOT?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Uh, uh, uh...
Yeah, bitch. You know you like it up the ass.
You fucking bastard. Using my anal fetish against me just to get a quick fuck, knowing there's no one else in this town willing to give it to me like I want...
Au contraire, ma cherie. There are indeed those who like it your way -- but trust me, you don't want 'em.
Uh, uh, uh...
Yeah, bitch. You know you like it up the ass.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Bipolar Squirrel happens upon the Red Phone's secret basement lab.
Why, looks like the Red Phone forgot to lock his door... and oh! If it isn't his prized X-19 Tecbot.
Y'know, I've always wondered what "mode 4" was...
Later:
Great balls of elephantiasis! What the Hell happened to you?
You really don't want to know. Say, would you terribly mind extracting this bowling pin from my rectum?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
So! You have defiled my precious X-19 Tecbot, Bipolar Squirrel! Have you anything to say in your defense, lest I release my tempestuous fury?
Oh, bite me, you Ma Bell-looking marmoset turd.
That tears it! If you thought mode 4 was bad, little man, you shall pray for death after experiencing MODE 5! Transmorph, X-19!
Tonight, on MTV's "Cribs"...
GYAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
The Red Phone for Dummies:
Greetings, gentle reader! Do you know what context clues are? They're little details we use to derive information about a situation.
Example: you may think this lass facing me is my ex-girlfriend, Laura. Nope! My basement lab in the background and her all-caps, monotone delivery tells us that it's actually Tecbot X-19 in mode 3!
AWAITING. COMMANDS.
However, when placed inside the blue-walled house of the slut in question (accompanied, of course, by a plethora of catty insults) you can be sure it's good ol' anal-fixated Laura! Got that, dummies?
Apparently, it's not enough for you to insult just the characters.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
One fine day on the art-fag campus:
Dude, do you like Stereolab?
I despise all sound.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
You should sit, dude.
The blood of my people spills deep into this land.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
What's your problem, dude?
Can you not feel the looming shadow of death all around us?

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Well, looks like it's time for your bimonthly lube job, Tecbot X-19. Transmorph into mode 3.
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Excellent. Now turn around and bend over.
AS.YOU.COMMAND.
Mind you, I don't really HAVE to do it this way. I just think it's funny.
WARNING. RECTAL.ENTRY. EXCEEDING. TOLERANCES.

 

by rfmodulator
2-27-01
Well, we did it! We made 50 comic strips in a single day -- and not a one of them sucked!
I think we should bring out our writer for a congradulatory round of applause. Come on out, boss!
Oh, fer fucksake.
moh.

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