All comics by Commander_t

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by Commander_t
3-03-05
Deep within the confines of Dr. Whatever...
Man! Why do I have to be so short?!
The Doctor will see you now.
As our hero travelled deeper into Dr. Whatever's lair, a sense of unease followed him...
Are you in there Doctor Whatever?
Our hero's instincts were right...
I-I don't know how to say this, son, but I love Doctor Whatever!
MOMMA, NO!!!!!!!!

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
Why am I doing this to myself?
The Power of the Darkside compels you!
Maybe a nice little walk will help...
Is that you Michael?
THE POWER OF THE DARKSIDE COMPELS YOU TO SIT ON MY LAP!! hehe...

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
Hello, my pretty.
Hello, Mr. President.
Meanwhile...
Hello, young miss. I've been tapped by the President of the United States to find only the most beautiful women in the world... to combat terrorism.
No way, buddy!
Later...
I'm sorry, sir..
To the Lincoln Bedroom with you!!

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
Ahh, the fresh air of the country! It reminds me of my youth!
ECH! All I smell is dirty rotten cows Mr. President!
HAHAHA! Look at you, you look like my foster home!
Well, at least he hasn't blown his cover... erm...

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
The President didn't know what he was in for...
Hello, farmer! I'm your President!
Oh sweet God, not again!
He never saw it coming...
What is this place?
I'm sorry I have to do this to you, Mr. President...
With the greatest American technology, we were able to recreate you Mr. President!
You could have gotten me a bigger chain...

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
What is this place, pops?
I built this lab after you left me, son. Now, lets get you a new body.
Later, during a news conference...
How long have you had this condition Mr. President?!
SINCE I WAS BORN!! GOD, YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!!
Hello, little girl. Do you want to sit on my lap?
Can it Michael! I've delt with enough crap already today! Get out, before I call security!

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
Wanna buy a bible? Good stuff!
Who do I look like? God?! I'm giving you a ticket!
Don't make me...! I'm desperate...!
...eh...
So, are you going to give me a ticket?
What does it look like I'm doing?! Retard!

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
Mr. President was desperate...
GIVE ME A NEW BODY NOW!!
Just simmer down there kid! These things take time!
Why should I watch that?
Here, watch the Un-Holy T.V. I think Friends is on or something.
Mr. President was desperate...
SWEET FATHER, WHY DO WE ONLY GET FRIENDS NOW?!?!?
Oh God, why do I have to be here and watch this?!

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
THAT'S WHAT I THINK OF FRIENDS!!
Meanwhile...
-we all pray for Mr. Presidents safe return.
Ya, cuz who gonna leeed us tru deez herrd tiimz.
We're going to find Mr. President, right?
Well, right now, all we need to do is pray.

 

by Commander_t
3-03-05
Well, when is this going to go down, pop?
Heck, I don't know. These things take time. I never had a daughter, just a ton of nitwit sons!
NITWIT SONS?!
But you were the best! Honest!
Change me back, now!
Ok! Ok!

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
Ala- whatever. I can make you change back with a mere word. CHANGE!
Mr. President was as good as new...
GOD, ITS HIDEOUS!!
No, its your favorite son, Mr. President!!
Later... At the White House Press Conference...
So, Mr. President, what you're saying is that you were abducted by little green female aliens just to be used for breeding purposes?
Uh, yes. It was, uh, the, uh, most terrible time of my life?

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
In trouble...
Man, I'm lost, and that ol' cowpoke sold me a bum horse.
I'm a horse... I think!
In a dream...
If only I could be on the farm again...!
On the run...
I'll never get home again...

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
What am I going to do with you?
Hmmm....
Whoa! Whoever that was deserves to make some money off that new deep fry invention!!

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
Hola!
...
I'm Amish!
...
Never had he been so confused as he had been in the Devil's City...
Adios...?
...

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
Captain Stupid never expected to find this...
Is this area protected, private?
Wot ya tokkin bout? Pfft. Pertexion fer loozerz.
We've got to secure this area!
Eh, da Capan saz who neeedz securtee wen yeve gott meee.
Captain Stupid never expected to be in this deep...
We need re-enforcements quick!
Da Capan sen meee ooveer aaz yer securtee furce, Stoopid!

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
One evening...
Dad always liked you better.
Of course he did! I graduated from elementary school!
Why do you try to be a brown noser with dad?
Uh...
Busted...
Shut your mouths you two, before I make 'em disappear!! SHHHHHH......
YOU'VE GOT PORN!!

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
Later...
Oh man, Mr. President, it was terrible!! First, I barely survive spontaneous human combustion twice. Second, I barely survive a rabid priest!
Eh... you had nothing compared to me. I mean, my dad wouldn't change me back because I was a girl.
I thought you were abducted by horny aliens?
Uh, yes. Their leader claimed that he was my father.
Oh well. Its nice to have you back, Mr. President!!
Hey, it isn't going to be nice if you don't get me some women! NOW MOVE!!

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
Haalo. Ii'mm heer too tel ya lil bout protekin da wiit houzz.
Protekin da wiit houzz iz aa tuf jaab, wut wid teahiizzm n al. Da Capan saaz Ii gotta puutt liif n lime onna liin.
Wot eeveer da Capan saaz Ii gonna dooo. Wot eeveer Misser Prezdent saaz too doo, Ii doo. Dat aboot rit.

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
Man, Ii needd aa vikashun! See dat guyy, he da Mager!
And Ii'mm yer twwinn!
So, Army Guy traveled far and wide, not resting until he knew he'd be satisfied...
Ii liik da purtee trrees.
YOU'VE GOT PORN!!
Who needds wimen whin ya gott pern!!

 

by Commander_t
3-04-05
This is the end...
Err ya heer ta kil mee?
I'm a soldier, not an assassin.
This is the end...
Wut ya heer fer thin?
For something only you can give me.
This is the end...
I had to kiil da Kernel heer, dun makke mee kiil ya!
I don't know what war has done to you son, but you're crazy!

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
Mr. President was strolling along one day...
Hey! Army Guy! What are you doing out here?!
Da Capan saaz Ii gotta secur da outsiid o da Wiit Houzz.
You've got to go secure the Lincoln Bedroom. We've got some V.I.P's frome Sweden who will be here any minute.
Da Capan saaz swetz'll rott mi teth.
Mr. President was getting a headache...
I'm your Commander In Chief. I'm freaking higher rank than your Captain. NOW, I ORDER YOU TO SECURE THE LINCOLN BEDROOM!!
Ii'll hev too see wut da Capan saaz. Ii'mmshur hee woont liik itt. Hee saaz da Comandeer Iin Cheef is nott soo nis a guuy, iif ya noo wut Ii meen.

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
Santa decided to start early this year...
Dude, were totally messing this up! What if the Christmas Police Come?!
Shut it retard!! Santa, despite being loaded on all the North Pole's booze, still knows what he's doing!
SANTA!!!
There'd be no Christmas this year...
Sweet God, what have you done to good ol' Saint Nick?!
You know it as well as me that he treated little people as slaves. Now I'm saying be free little person! Run like the wind... 'cause I just summoned SATAN CLAUS, AND HE EATS ELVES LIKE YOU!!

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
Hello, I'm confused. My friend was giving me a ride in his Devilmobile and-
Can it, jerk! What's yer name?!
Hezekiah. Hezekiah Swartz.
Amish, eh?
He now wished that he'd never come to the Devil's City...
Yes sir. I was riding in my friends Devi-
I'm writing you a ticket for public indecency. Its rude to live in the 1600's, you know.

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
Hallo, Army Guy heer. Tudaa, weer gonna lurn aboot furreng ertilry.
Ferzt, maake shur yer sppoterz forr nuf waa frum wer yer ammin. Cecund-

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
Sir, I'm sorry. It doesn't look like he'll make it.
Well, we have to inform his family. Who does he have?
The only family he has is his grandmother, sir.
Ok, I'm putting you in charge of that.
Later...
Ma'am. Your grandson has died in a freak military accident. The United States is sad for your loss.
YES!!! WOOHOO!! PARTY AT THE OLD HOMESTEAD!!! YEAHH!!!

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
Meanwhile....
Haay, weer iz dis plays?
Holy crap!! You're a freaking retard!!
Da Capan saaz Ii ken doo anethiin Ii wunt too, jist se lung ez Ii puut mi miind too iit.
... Holy crap!! You're a freaking retard!!
Takk mee too yer leder noo, er elz Ii gonna hev too gett nestee!
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
Welcome to Hospital Mart. We'e got the best deals on your ill feels... May I take your order...?
Yeah, uh, I had a little accident..
Yup, yup! Happens all the time. Now, just take a number and be seated.
... it involved brains and..
Wait a second buddy. Are you a zombie by any chance? Because this memo says I need to destroy you ASAP.
No, I only think I need a little rest is all. Yeah, I'll be fine afterwards!

 

by Commander_t
3-05-05
He traveled deep within the Devil's City...
Hello, I'm Amish. Would you like to convert?
Nno, maan. Ii'mm onn vikashen.
But my non-Amish brother, you must convert!! The Devil's City will eat you alive!!
Ii'll bee eetinn sumtin purtee sunn!
He would keep traveling, unsure of what he would find next...
Well, goodbye my non-Amish brother... may the Lord have mercy on your soul
Eeh, wuteeveer. Thir's mi nu girrlfrin. Ii o hur aboot twennie dolurz!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
Woo, ittz purtee hutt dewn iin heer...
II'vee ben waakiin fer owers. Mi fet er geetin tured...
Ii wundeer eef II'll eeveer git hoom...

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
Well, Mr. President, this area is now secured.
Excellent Captain Stupid! Now, what about the Lincoln Bedroom? You know, we've had some troubles there lately...
Not to worry, Mr. President. I've got a man in there now.
Impressive!
Meanwhile...
Da Capan sint mee heer too securr da Liinken Beedruum.
I no speak da English... I'm from Norway...

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
Hallo, Army Guy heer. Nixed too mi, iz Mestir Prezdent.
Hello, I'm your president, Mr. President.
Iitz mi petreeotik duutee too pertek da prexdent, cuz da Capan saaz soo.
Yeah, your Captain is a freak too!
Mi Capan iz aa nis guuy!
Whatever retard!!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
Well, MonkeyBoy, you're the first monkey to go underwater. How does it feel?
IT'S FRESAKING ME OUT, MAN!!
There is no need to fear, MonkeyBoy, you have a protective suit!
AAAHH!!!
Man, that's some stupid crap...
I'm so sad. I have to play this stuff all day for this creep!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
LOOK AT ME!!!
That's stupid.
LOOK AT ME!!!
Holey Crep!!! Thit's freekiin aasuum!!!
LOOK AT ME!!!
Go join the FreakShow freak!!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
My mom told me to get a job one day, so I did. I'm now working at Bubba's Gas-n-Go as Head Bathroom Operator...
This is my ward, the Toiletron 3000. The greatest in toiletry technology, Toiletron 3000 works due to my efforts alone.
Aw man! That stinks!
Weel, thit's da Capan's fault. Hee's puut uus onn aa strikt diyit oof bakked beens.

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
He'd always been right, hadn't he...?
Of course he had. He would always be right.
Tomorrow will be a new day for us then...

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
Who are you, stranger?
I'm a space man... from space.
What's your name?
Ed...
Ed, eh? Want to have a go at one of my cows?
Naw, I'm not perverted like you!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
RING!!
GIT ON DA PHONE!!!!
RING!!
GOD NEEDS YOUR MONEY!!!
RING!!
I NEED YOUR MONEY!! ...CRAP!! EVER HEARD OF A FREUDIAN SLIP...?!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
Answer please...
NATURE SUCKS!!!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
Are you ready for your big part Dr. Genius?
Yup!
Great! Remember now, just say your line. Don't be afraid of it, just let it come natural.
ACTION!!
Three out of four doctors agree: Death is bad for your health!!

 

by Commander_t
3-07-05
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you the President of the United States...
Hello, I'm your president, Mr. President! With me now, to promote National Unity Second is my leading opponent, Mr. Senator!!
Hello, I'm a senator, Mr. Senator! Now, as you know, me and Mr. President have had our differences...
...but for National Unity Second, we have agreed to set aside our differences, and show our unity for the United States.
We now take you to regularly scheduled programming...
Aw, shut it Mr. Senator! National Unity Second was over ten seconds ago!!
Hey now!! That's not nice!

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
Stop staring at me.
I'm blind.
Its sickening!
Don't look at it then!
I can't stop, I'm too enthralled by your weirdness.
Sicko!!

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
There was something evil in the woods behind the morgue...
H-hello? Is anyone there?
He wandered further into the woods, shaking like the leaves on the trees themselves...
I warn you! I know a form of karate which cannot be called karate due to its deadliness!!
He found the horrible thing, and would live in fear the rest of his life...
AAAHHH!!!!
What?

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
Oh no!! There seems to be trouble in the Lincoln Bedroom!!
Jumping Hyennas and Laughing Kangaroos!! I've lived in a zoo!!
Watchout Mr. Presidet!! He's obviously insane!!
Jumping Hyennas and Laughing Kangaroos!! I've lived in a zoo!!
Wh... What are you doing with that knife?!
Its now come down to a battle of wits!!
Jumping Hyennas and Laughing Kangaroos!! I've lived in a zoo!!
Well? Aren't you going to do something? Do I have to call security?

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
What is this place?
It's called a church.
I've gotta get outta here man!!
No, no. All are welcome.
Oh Sweet God!!
That's right son, pray to Michael, for he sall be with you momentarily.

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
Hmmm....
...
What are you doing?
Oh, me? I'm looking for stupid!
Jerk!!
...

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
LORD!! I'm in heaven!!
You don't have to yell.
Lord, I'm sorry!
Take yer story to the judge, you goon!
Meanwhile... back in reality...
Lord! Why do you forsake me?!
Hey! Am I gonna have to call up da wagon and have em take ya to an insane asylum?!

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
Hey, I'm Doctor Whatever here, to tell you about my new latest invention!
It's called the 'Whatever Religion'. Its brand spanking new at 39.95 starters fee, so act now!! That's right, an easy starter payment of 39.95!
All you have to do is call now! But there's more! If you call within the next five minutes you'll be registered to sell your soul! So hurry up! This is

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
We've never known who we are or where we come from...
Nor have we known where we will be going, or where we're at...
But life is like that sometimes: maybe one should never know...

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
Jerry remembered the good old days he had in that building...
From his time in the band, to the time his kids were born...
He wished for those times again and again, but they were never to be...
I ned mer buuz!!

 

by Commander_t
3-08-05
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Dude!! Don't freak out!! You'll get us killed!!
Buut da Capan iiz ded, ci? Dat's heem ooveer thir!!
Calm down!! We don't want to get overrun by Stupid!!
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!
THAT'S IT!!!

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