All comics by DarkwingDuck

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by DarkwingDuck
5-24-06
Arrrr! I be wanting yer finest grog, matey!
WE DO NOT SERVE GROG, MISTER!
Arrrr! What do ye serve, land lubber?
WE GOTS SLOPPY BURGERS AND FUN FRIES WITH STRAWBERRY BEVERAGES TO DRINK!
Arrrrrr!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-24-06
Arrrr! I be wanting yer finest grog, matey!
WE DO NOT SERVE GROG, MISTER!
Arrrr! What do ye serve, land lubber?
WE GOTS SLOPPY BURGERS AND FUN FRIES WITH STRAWBERRY BEVERAGES TO DRINK!
Arrrrrr!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-24-06
Arrrr! I be wanting yer finest grog, matey!
WE DO NOT SERVE GROG, MISTER!
Arrrr! What do ye serve, land lubber?
WE GOTS SLOPPY BURGERS AND FUN FRIES WITH STRAWBERRY BEVERAGES TO DRINK!
Arrrrrr!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-24-06
The foul stench of failure will forever remain with me! OH, HOW IT BURNS MY NOSTRILS SO!
I wish I could turn into a million Skittles right now.
WHEEE!!!!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-24-06
Life.
What a mystery it is. Maybe I'll ask that man who pees on people's faces from a long distance away.
NO!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-24-06
May I AXE you a question?
I suppose so....
What do you think of my big HOSE?
Uh....
It helps me get alot of PUSSY!
AHHHH!!!!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
I will dance on your grave when you die!
But how do you know I'll die before you?
It was an educated guess, you dead idiot!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
Hey, Greg the vampire. I bet you a bowl of my world famous gumbo that you can't turn invisible.
I'll take that bet!
Behold! I am now invisible!
Well, I bet you can't turn into a snowman.
You'd lose that bet, old chum.

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
Is your refrigerator running?
I'd say it's more of a brisk saunter.
This is the police! Come out with your hands in the air like you just don't care!
Is this to your liking, you fascist pig?

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
Captain Bacon Face thinks I'm dead, but I'm not dead. I'm alive. I'm going to make him think I'm a ghost.
Okay.
Hey!
What?
BOO!
AURGH!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
AURGH! A GHOST!
Help me! A ghost is chasing me!
AHHHHH! A GHOST!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
I can't believe that idiot Captain Bacon Face actually believes I'm a ghost.
Wait a second. I'm Captain Bacon Face.
Oops.
YOU LIED TO ME!
BOO!
AURGH! A GHOST!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
I'm sorry for deceiving you, Captain Bacon Face. Will you ever forgive me?
I don't know if I can ever trust you again.
How can I make things right?
Take me skydiving!
And so he did.
Wheeeeee!
Wheeeeee!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Owl.
Owl who?
THAT'S RIGHT OWLS GO WHO LOL!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
You have not paid rent in months, you never clean up, and you're rude to guests. What do you have to say for yourself?
Ever get fucked up the ass with a broom handle?

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
Office Bee, where's that report I asked for?
BUZZ! BUZZ! I AM THE OFFICE BEE! BUZZZZZ!
Okay, I understand. I'll get Johnson to finish it for you.
BUZZ! BUZZ! I DEMAND HONEY!
You make a good point! I'm giving you a raise!
BUUUZZZZZZZ!!!!!!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
When will the madness end?

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
I am having a wonderful time on my day at the farm!
ARGH!
ELEPHANTS DON'T BELONG ON THE FARM!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
And then I struck down the evil kraken with my sword and saved the whole civilization from destruction. Anyway, how was your day?
Well, I finally saw that show House.
Not very impressed....

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
Captain Picard was way better than Kirk!
What about Captain Janeway?
JANEWAY? Now you're just being silly! Call me when you grow up!
I wonder if Prof. Pirate supports our troops....

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
You are under arrest.
On what charge?
Statutory rape.
SHE SAID SHE WAS 18!
Meanwhile....

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
AURGH! I'VE BEEN ROBBED!
Meanwhile, 10 minutes later....
Prof. Pirate, did you rob my house?
Yes.
MYSTERY SOLVED!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-25-06
Oh, woe is me! I am in prison for statutory rape!
Hey, Fish! You're my bitch now!
Fish? That's not my name.
Oh, I'm sorry. I must have confused you with somebody else.
Now, where were we?

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
Listen up, everyone! David Duchovny is coming to town! Make yourselves look presentable!
No time to waste! David Duchovny is coming to town!
Here he is!
YOU AREN'T DAVID DUCHOVNY! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN OLD SMELLY GOAT!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
If our lives was an episode of Friends, you would be Ross and I would be Chandler.
Yeah, right! I would totally be Chandler!
IN YOUR DREAMS!
HEY GUYS, CAN I BE RACHEL?
AURGH! A HORRIBLE BEAST!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
Behold my new slacks.
They are very nice slacks indeed.
They fit like a dream.
Do they have any in my size?
We interupt this comic to bring you a new series: Tourettes Syndrome Timmy, already in progress....
PUBIC HAIR!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
HOLY SHIT!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
Hey, man. Wanna buy some speakers?
Yeah, sure.
Well, you better hurry up, the stores are closing soon.
SLAM!
YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN, JERK! I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT KUNG FU! I HAVE ALL THE SEASONS ON DVD!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
Wanna buy some white squares, man?
No way. I haven't done white squares since the '60s. Those were some wild times, man.
One time I took 18 white squares and washed them down with a bottle of mouth wash. I SAW GOD THAT NIGHT, MAN! I STARED RIGHT INTO HIS FUCKING EYES!
Behold! I have magically turned into a flying shark!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
Wanna buy some white squares, man?
No way. I haven't done white squares since the '60s. Those were some wild times, man.
One time I took 18 white squares and washed them down with a bottle of mouth wash. I SAW GOD THAT NIGHT, MAN! I STARED RIGHT INTO HIS FUCKING EYES!
Behold! I have magically turned into a flying shark!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-26-06
Excuse me, waiter. Can I have some service now? I can't stay long, I'm on my period.
But you're not a lady!
And I'm not a waiter!
I have lost my faith in God.

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-28-06
After being blackmailed by Baron Von Douche, Carlos went to confont him and barely escaped from the bomb planted in his houseboat.
HOLY CRAP!
Then Baron Von Douche hypnotizes Madison, erasing her memory of Derek and the sexy weekend they spent in Moosejaw.
Do you remember Derek now, Madison?
Who the fuck is Derek?
Now, on with the show:
I'm pregnant with three pairs of octuplets and you're the father!
AURGH!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-28-06
Drake finishes his robot that he was working on for months to kill Jacob, so he could marry Brooke.
YES! IT'S FINALLY COMPLETE! BROOKE WILL SOON BE MINE!
Beep!
And Carlos has taught himself to fly, and is trying to evolve into a bird so he can peck Baron Vob Douche's eyes out.
Tweet! Tweet!
Now, on with the show:
I had a uterus surgically implanted into my anus and now I'm pregnant with your child!
AURGH!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-28-06
Drake's robot has learned how to love and has run away with Jacob.
I - Love - You.
While attempting to evole into a bird, Carlos accidentally evolved into an elephant instead and started plummeting to his death.
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Now, on with the show:
It turns out you're actually a woman and you're pregnant with my child!
AURGH!

 

by DarkwingDuck
5-28-06
Dear loyal fans: I am suffering from date rape psychosis and won't be able to make any new comics for a while. I hope you understand.
Dear DarkwingFUCK (lol) how dare u make fun of date rape. its a very serious matter and can be very painful.
example: last week i was date raping this girl and she woke up half way and hit me! she gave me a nose bleed! do you think THATS funny u asshole!?! signed, DBZfan42
THE
END

 

by DarkwingDuck
6-08-06
I wet my bed!
How did you do it?
WITH MY URINE, IDIOT!
Well, you shouldn't have drank all that Yoohoo before you went to bed!
SHUT UP!!!!!!

 

by DarkwingDuck
6-08-06
My name is Shitty Pants Jim. They call me that because I constantly shit my pants, and my name is Jim.
Why do you constantly shit your pants, Shitty Pants Jim?
Because I love the feeling of warm poo poo running down my leg!
POO POO? GROW UP! YOU'RE 37 YEARS OLD!

 

by DarkwingDuck
6-08-06
BUNKA! BUNKA!
BUNKA! BUNKA!
BUNKA! BUNKA!
HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-07-06
Life is eating at my brain. Eating at my brain like one million maggots. Maggots of death!
Okay, say the exact same thing, but talk like a robot this time.
Life - is - eating - at - my - brain. Eating - at - my - brain - like - one - million - maggots. Maggots - of - death! Beep!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-07-06
This is our 40th comic, Prof. Pirate. I think we should celebrate with a light salad.
40 is the age my mother died. She died while giving birth to me.
I'm so sorry. I can't believe that happened.
Doctors say it was my hook that did it.

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-07-06
Little Stevie, your mother and I have been thinking, and we have decided to get a divorce.
AAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
12 dead Indonesian children later....
Fruit nuts!

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-07-06
When I grow up, I want to be a famous Scandinavian folk singer!
As the snowman walked away, I could sense that things between us would never be the same again. Would it be for the better? Perhaps. But I'm sure neither of us will discover, or, accept that fact.

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-07-06
You got to reach for the stars, girl! Come on and dream! You got to fly to that rainbow! You can do it, yeah, yeah, yeah!
You got to....
SHUT UP! THIS IS MY SONG, NOT YOURS! I WROTE IT AND I OWN ALL THE RIGHTS!
You have the right to remain silent!
HOW RUDE!

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-17-06
Then I said to him: "Yeah right, you idiot!"
You're a real ass face!
WHAT? I'M NOT AN ASS FACE!
Yeah you are! Your face is an ass! Ha! Ha! Ha!
AAUGGHHHH!!!! NO IT ISN'T!
Close your mouth before poop comes out of it, ASS FACE!

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-19-06
Do these pants make my ass look fat?
No, the constant consumption of pies for the past 37 years makes your ass look fat!
So you like the pants?

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-19-06
I make up fake accounts on Myspace, pretending to be Emilio Estevez just so people will pay attention to me.
Being a snowman means that I do not possess legs, therefore, I am unable to walk away from awkward situations just like this one. Although, if I did have legs, I would already have walked away by now.

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-19-06
I was viewing your latest comic and one of the characters, Fuck Nuts the snowman, said he had no legs and could not walk away from people.
Yet only four comics earlier, the very same character walked away from Prof. Pirate! Would you care you explain yourself? How do you expect to keep fans when you can't even keep your facts straight?
You might have thought that you could sneak it in and nobody would notice, but I, CAPTAIN CONTINUITY, can never be fooled!
I hope you try harder next time.
Later....
WHAT A CRAZY ASSHOLE!

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-20-06
There's a voice that keeps on calling me.
Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
Every stop I make, I make a new friend.
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll wanna settle down.
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-24-06
You're under arrest for peeing on the toilet seat.
That's not against the law, you fat pig!
It is now, under the new law of the ruler of the universe!
Ruler of the universe? Who is powerful enough to take over the entire universe?
Corey Feldman.

 

by DarkwingDuck
8-24-06
This is MC Rickles! You better back the fuck up before you get smacked he fuck up, motherfucker!
Please don't hurt me. I just came out to purchase some huckleberries for my kids.
Yeah, whatever! Get the fuck out of my face before you get hurt, bitch!
God bless you, MC Rickles.
Later....
Augh! A vampire!

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