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by bike
7-18-07
The new Harry Potter book has been leaked onto the Internet...
AAAGGHH!!!!!
Experts are recommending that you avoid all news, culture, or entertainment websites because they may contain spoilers...
however, it should still be safe to download porn
**PHEW**

 

by bike
7-19-07
So.... can I get your number or something?
lol omg!! IM me, k? srsly! lol! kthxbye!!
TTYL!!
umm......................... fo' shizzle?!

 

by bike
7-19-07
Some people don't think that a ROBOT would make a good president.
But ARBOX-9 is not just ANY robot... He can shoot LASER BEAMS from his EYES!
So who would YOU rather have LEAD AMERICA in the global WAR ON TERROR? Some PUNY HUMAN...
or a robot with a PROVEN RECORD of blowing things up with his LASER EYES? The choice is CLEAR for me!
Paid for by "Citizens for ARBOX-9 for President"
My name is ARBOX-9, and I approve this message.

 

by bike
7-19-07
So, don't robots like, eat cats, or something?
No, that's from the 80s TV show Alf... Robots eat humans.
What the fu-
No, no, no! Its not like that! Robots only eat GROUND UP CORPSES! Living humans are totally gross - BLECHHHH!
umm...
No offense, of course - I'm sure that YOU would be DELICIOUS! -wink-wink-

 

by bike
7-19-07
Don't see too many robot chicks around... I bet you get pretty "lonely"! -wink-wink-
Yeah... but I'm not above slumming it with a Mac or a Wii or even a fancy alarm clock.
But how can you tell if an electronic device is good looking or not?
Well...
You'll pretty much hook up with ANYTHING with a CIRCUIT BOARD, huh?
You say THAT like it's a BAD thing!

 

by bike
7-20-07
Later this week, the Supreme Court is expected to issue a SPECIAL RULING on the CONTROVERSIAL nomination of ARBOX-9 for President!
Yes, it's shaping up to be a VERY interesting election...
"and now, in local news..."
First a woman, then that 'Obaka' guy, and now a ROBOT!! What's NEXT, a damned PENGUIN?!
Meanwhile........ somewhere in the Arctic Circle
Everything is proceeding as planned.... soon our conquest of North America will be COMPLETE
exxxcellent....

 

by bike
7-20-07
You're still HUNG UP on the whole "ROBOTS EAT CORPSES" thing, huh?
You gotta admit..... It is pretty CREEPY!
Think of it this way... When you PASS ON, would you rather have your remains SLOWLY DIGESTED by worms and larvae...
ugh
...or made into something YUMMY and NUTRITIOUS? ...like a CASSEROLE?!!
I'm gonna go puke...

 

by bike
7-21-07
So are you going to get the new HARRY POTTER book?
What do I look like - a TWELVE-YEAR-OLD?!
Nah, me neither... all that wizard sh*t is for kids
Kids stuff, yo...
Man, I'm gonna be totally bummed if Harry dies...
Snape is evil, I just f*cking KNOW IT!!

 

by bike
7-21-07
So what did YOU think of the Transformers movie?
Ugh! It was sooo lame... ZERO robot chicks, and not one of the humans got EATEN...
they never get it right...
tell me about it...
Except for TERMINATOR 3... that had like the HOTTEST robot chick EVER!
WORD!!

 

by bike
7-22-07
CCNV appealed a decision by the National Park Service which restricted the time and manner in which they could demonstrate
We wanna set up a tent city here in the National Mall to protest homelessness...
No problem son... just don't sleep here overnight.
Sleeping is part of our protest, man. You're totally harshing my FREEDOM of SPEECH, you PIG!
Sorry son, but sleeping and camping are prohibited in the National Mall. You and your unwashed COMRADES will make too big of a mess!
and the Supreme Court ruled...
tough shit, hippie...

 

by bike
7-23-07
one fateful night, after too much alcohol, two strangers embark on a logistically questionable romantic experience
So, should I put on some MUSIC? Maybe light a few CANDLES?
umm... sure
What if I did a little DANCING for you? I've been taking strip-aerobics classes!
ok... that sounds... neat
OMFG!! What do I have to DO to get you INTERESTED.... COVER my PU**Y with ALUMINUM FOIL?
NOW you're talking! COME to PAPA!!

 

by bike
7-23-07
So sweetie, let me see your report card...
Okay, daddy - it's in my backpack! I need your help! Can you say BACKPACK?!
(ugh) "backpack"
LOUDER! Say BACKPACK!!
GRACIAS! Thanks for HELPING!
god, I f*cking hate Dora...

 

In the year 2047...
Has Chinese Democracy been released yet?
Axl says it'll be out around christmas
by bike, 7-24-07

 

by bike
7-26-07
The country of France does not actually exist, you know...
it is a front for a cabal of aristocratic European families who are trying to control our minds through chemicals in our food...
and that's why they're called french fries
are you gonna order something or not?

 

by bike
7-26-07
on the last day on Earth...
I'm going to call my parents and tell them I love them. Then I'll probably go sit with the people at the elder hospice for awhile. What are you gonna do?
DUH!
what?
Two chicks at the same time, dumbass!
What are you, gay?!

 

by bike
7-26-07
Harry Potter is EVIL! Harry Potter teaches children to WORSHIP the DEVIL!!!
That's not entirely accurate...
The "Ministry of Magic" is an archetype of the ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT designed by the TRILATERAL COMMISSION...
Harry Potter indoctrinates children to be dependant on a bureaucratic state rather than to exercise true self-governance!
...and don't even get me started on how the Zionist media monopolies insert subliminal messages into the movie versions...
(UGH!) It's just a BOOK for f*ck's sake!

 

by bike
7-27-07
So Billy... what did you do over summer break?
I did a SCIENCE EXPERIMENT!
Oh that's nice... What was your experiment?
Every day for breakfast, I ate a half pound of RAW BACON!
o...k...
My mommy made me stop 'cuz there was blood in my poop!

 

by bike
7-27-07
Wally at the office...
Hey Wally... you should try some of this diet mango iced tea that Cindy made. It's great!
Diet, eh... I think not...
Everyone knows that nutrasweet is a chemical sedative, and that it leads to pancreatic cancer, but the FDA is paid to supress the research...
Not to mention the fact that the fluoride that the government puts in the water supply makes your brain more susceptible to electro-magnetic radiation...
the only thing that is really safe to drink is your own distilled urine...
I gotta get a new job...

 

so I says "the next person to ask me why I crossed the road is getting beaked in the ass"
by bike, 7-27-07

 

by bike
7-28-07
In ELECTION NEWS, the Supreme Court is expected to issue a landmark ruling within the next few minutes...
Let's go now to our live feed of Chief Justice Andrew Scalilo in Washington DC...
LIVE FROM WASHINGTON DC
In the matter of Arbox v. Republican Party of Texas, we find that ARBOX-9 IS ELIGIBLE to run for President of the United States
LIVE FROM WASHINGTON DC
Had the writers of the Constitution wanted to exclude robots from the political process, they would have said so in Article II.

 

by bike
7-28-07
Late Night Infomercials for Robots...
"...with the new Ginsu 5000 hand attachment, you can slice through thousands of frozen corpses without resharpening..."
meh
(click) "...all these robots need are simple repairs, and for just one dollar a day, you can help.."
don't care
(click) "...the hot new DVD Naughty Sorority Robot Party!! See these young SEXY robots perform functions they were never programmed to do..."
now we're talking!

 

by bike
7-29-07
So Megan... what did you do this summer?
My stepdad gave me some speed, and I read all seven Harry Potter books in like, two days!!
ummm..
Then this other time, my stepdad gave me some mushrooms, and I watched all six Star Wars movies back-to-back!
I had to close the curtains because the trees were staring at me!
what the hell is wrong with my students?

 

by bike
7-30-07
I heard you hooked up with a human last week! How was it...
awkward and squishy...
Dude, that sucks!
Yeah... but I did get a remote interface with her roommate's laptop
Oh snap! A human girl and a remote interface in the same night! You're my HERO...
Patience, young padawan... someday you too will be a jedi!

 

by bike
8-01-07
The Supreme Court's recent decision to allow robots to run for president is expected to lead to more unconventional candidates
For example, animal rights activists are lobbying the Green Party to nominate an actual animal for president!
If you asked me, I'd vote for a MOUSE or a GOAT before I'd vote for RALPH NADER!
(ha, ha, ha)
(ha, ha, ha)
In a related story, an adorable penguin named Jean-Michel Le Fin has been named Prime Minister of Canada...
meanwhile... somewhere under the Arctic Circle...
...in a sweeping parliamentary victory for the Liberal Party.
Le Fin has promised to bring...
right on schedule...

 

by bike
8-01-07
Wally at the office...
So Wally, (snicker) I bet you're pretty upset about all this robot for president nonsense, huh?
actually...
The robots are pretty harmless. People should really be concerned about the penguins...
Before 1907, there was no credible evidence that penguins even existed. It was like they just appeared overnight...
Some people think that they were created by the government, but I know FOR A FACT that they are actually from a different galaxy...
Their spaceships float underwater in the Arctic Circle, hidden beneath icebergs...
why the f*ck do I even try talking to this guy...

 

by bike
8-02-07
Wally at the office...
You know, Wally... you really should start a blog or something.
But, you probably don't like the Internet - do you?
The Internet itself is okay...
the real problem with computers is the operating system...
Microsoft works with the Chinese government to track every document on your computer. Apple brainwashes people into using iphones and...
ipods so that they can monitor the music you listen to and the people you talk to. And it's no coincidence that the official Linux mascot is a penguin!
The only way to be truly safe is to write your own operating system, and let me tell you, that TCP/IP stack is a real bitch!
(he, he, he) Know what I mean?!
you need to get laid
big time

 

by bike
8-02-07
An interview with Republican presidential candidate, ARBOX-9
Mr. ARBOX...
your opponent, Mayor Guliagi, has made a bit of fuss about the fact that you - as a robot - eat dead humans. Your response...
Thank you, Rita...
I happen to know for a FACT that Mayor Guliagi himself eats dead fish, dead cows, and even dead chickens!
and do you know who else eats dead chickens, Rita?
terrorists
You heard it here first! Mayor Guliagi EATS like a terrorist! More on this story as it develops...

 

by bike
8-02-07
You are the KWISATZ HADERACH, Paul! Put on this suit that lets you drink your own pee and go into the desert...
ok
There you will lead the Fremen. Once you control the spice, you will totally have the Guild and CHOAM by the short ones...
spice, uh-huh
and watch out for the water of life, 'cuz it will totally f*ck you up.
Any questions?
You're kidding about the drinking my own pee part, right?

 

by bike
8-06-07
Ay-yi-yi!
Arre joo downloadeeing a moviee? Joo are comeeting thefft of eenteelectual propertee!
Joo are takeeing the muney from the peeple who worked on eet!
No es bien!
What does joo haaf to saay for joorsellf?
børk a møøse, høser

 

by bike
8-07-07
These new birth control pills are totally messing with my period
Yesterday, all I did was spot, but today my flow was really thick... almost like mucus.
So, what do you want to do for dinner?

 

by bike
8-07-07
forty weeks after the events of Life with Robots #10...
I figured I'd find you here. We need to talk about child support
jigga WHAT?!
I got pregnant after we hooked up six episodes ago. You're the father, and you need to be financially responsible
Well, what makes you so sure that it's my kid?
src="waaaahhh.wav" autostart="true" loop="true"
So, where should I start sending the checks...

 

by bike
8-09-07
Wally at the Conspiracy Theory Convention...
Oh man! I am so excited about this year's convention... "set phasers to FUN"
ummm, I think you are in the wrong hotel... the Star Trek Convention is across the street
awww, nuts! Musta been a transporter malfunction...
god, what a WEIRDO!
So as I was saying, the best tin foil hats have a non-conductive layer between the metal and your head...
Right! 'Cuz otherwise it acts like an antenna, rather than a shield...

 

by bike
8-10-07
I want you to download the new Fergie song and put in on my MP3 player
(chuckle) You mean Fergie like, "Black-Eyed-Peas" Fergie?! (chuckle)
It has a good beat - I'll listen to it when I workout
Should I get you some Backstreet Boys too while I'm at it? (chuckle)
Pretty strong words from a guy who owns the soundtracks from Grease AND Grease 2!
why does she always have to bring that up...

 

by bike
8-10-07
Mr. Arbox, in response to your claim that he eats like a terrorist, Mayor Guliagi has sworn to eat only hot dogs and apple pie until election day. Any thoughts...
Thank you, Rita...
Live via satellite
What Mayor Guliagi is forgetting is that hot dogs and apple pie are actually German foods, and that Cool Ranch Doritos are the only food that is truly ALL-AMERICAN...
I believe the American people deserve a leader who knows the difference, Rita!
You heard it here first, America - Could a Guliagi Presidency mean the end of Cool Ranch Doritos? More on this story as it develops...

 

by bike
8-10-07
ok Wally, just look into the webcam and start talking. After you're done, we'll post it onto "YooToob" for everyone to see...
(ahem) The penguins' first goal is to take control of Canada and sell vast tracks of the Northwest Territory to a cabal of penguin-controlled banks
Next, they will gain control of the US government and redivide North America. All United States territory north of the 35th parallel will merge with Canada...
while everything south of it will be given to Mexico. Over time, global warming will force people to move further and further north...
making the land which the penguins own worth trillions of dollars. They will effectively control all North America!
this guy is gonna be a problem... time for a little covert action...

 

by bike
8-21-07
So Father, since we are the last two people alive, we should probably start having sex in order to repopulate the planet
Sorry sister, but that ain't happening!
Wait Father! I've been praying for guidance, and I feel that in these circumstances, the need to survive outweighs our vows of chastity...
Vows?! No, I don't think you get it. Let's just say, I only play pitch and catch with Little Leaguers - and you're a grown woman. YUCK!
shoulda seen that one coming...

 

by bike
8-22-07
Hey sugar! What's your name?
My name's Lana. Lana Miles.
Whoa! Your name is an anagram of "ANAL SLIME"!!! (ha, ha, ha, ha!) ANAL SLIME!!! ANAL SLIME!!!
DAMN YOU MOM AND DAD!!!
So, parents - choose your children's names carefully, because it could be an anagram for something gross!

 

by bike
8-24-07
visiting the in-laws...
So... you know how to do that photoshop stuff, don't ya?
I don't like where this is going...
'cuz I got these pictures that I took... of myself... and you could, you know, make some things bigger or like, remove sores and stuff...
must..not.. throw..up.. in..mouth..
I wannt put 'em on craisglist, you know... get me some of that MILF pussy everyone's talking about!
too late

 

by bike
8-25-07
visiting the in-laws...
Would you like to say grace before dinner, dear?
ummm... no thanks
Oh that's right. I forgot that you're a godless heathen that will drag my dear granddaughter's soul into eternal damnation with you
well, it could be worse... at least you're not Catholic

 

by bike
8-26-07
I hope that visiting my family wasn't too traumatic
let's see... your uncle is a total pervert, your grandmother thinks I worship the devil, and everyone else calls me 'homo' because I like diet soda
my cousin said you were cute...
oh yeah, which one?
the one with the meth problem
did you ever think you might have been adopted?

 

by bike
8-27-07
at the conspiracy theory convention
Oh my gosh! You're Wally, right?! I saw your presentation on UFOs and it was great! I was hoping that I could ask you about the hybrids?
Sure, what do you want to know?
The hybrids are the result of cross breeding between humans and an alien reptilian species, right?
Yes, and they have used their powers to infiltrate all major world governments and global corporations.
Wow! You are sooo knowledgable. Could we go somewhere and talk about this in private?
That's actually a good idea, because there are probably microphones hidden in the furniture here...

 

by bike
8-27-07
Before we start, you should know that I don't use birth control. The government puts in additional hormones for mind control experiments.
And I stopped using condoms ever since the manufacturers starting putting RFID chips in the packages...
we could have buttsex...
wait a minute, something's not right here...

 

by bike
8-27-07
Get back! Get away! You're not really a woman, are you?
uh, I don't know what you're talking about Wally... of course I'm a woman!
No, you can't be! Only drug dealers and NASCAR drivers have buttsex on the first date! You would know that if you were really human!
(sigh) You're right Wally, this has gone on long enough. I really didn't want it to come to this...
AARRGGH!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm sorry Wally, but I can't have you running around telling people about our plans. But for the future, here's some advice - Never say 'no' to buttsex, even if it's with a penguin.

 

by bike
9-03-07
So like, Muslims don't eat beef, right?
uh-huh
So like, if there was a war between religions, cows would totally be on the Muslim side...
There oughta be a law that says cows can't have guns
Remember kids: if you smoke pot, you will probably have to listen to stoners rambling all day long about stupid crap. Just say no!

 

by bike
9-06-07
Parent-Teacher Conference Day
Hello, I'm Mistress Poisontears. I'm your daughter's new teacher...
umm, hello
Your daughter is very talented. Last week during arts and crafts, we made paper maché mausoleums and hers was the best!
well, I suppose that's nice...
So, how did it go?
we need to start going to school board meetings

 

by bike
9-08-07
Was that your mom on the phone earlier?
Yep. My sleazebag uncle got arrested for exposing himself to his coworkers...
Is he going to have to go to jail?
Actually - he convinced a judge that he is a sex addict. Not only did he get the charges dropped, but he got put on permanent disability.
So he gets money from the government, and he can flash people with impunity...
don't get any ideas

 

by bike
9-10-07
Were you able to fix my DVD burner?
Yes I was; it was actually kinda cool...
Your DVD drive didn't recognize the brand of discs that you bought, so I hacked the drive's firmware and built in a new media block. Pretty neat, huh?!
You do know I stopped listening at "yes" - don't you?
yeah, I figured

 

by bike
9-17-07

 

by bike
10-25-07
After being ambushed by a penguin disguised as an attractive woman, Wally was taken to the penguins' secret lair near the Arctic Circle...
You aren't going to anal-probe me, are you?
No, Wally - what we have in store for you is much, much worse. (ha, ha, ha)
it's THE VIEW, with your host, WHOOPI GOLDBERG!
NOOOOO!!!! Don't make me watch Whoopi Goldberg, you cold-blooded BASTARDS!!!!

 

by bike
11-07-07
Can I stay up until ten o'clock, Daddy? Pleeeeaassee! Sandy's dad lets her stay up until eleven!
No, sweetie. Sandy's dad is only trying to be cool because he and Sandy's mom just got divorced.
So, when parents get divorced, they let their kid do whatever they want so that they'll be the kid's favorite?
yep, most of the time...
Daddy said that your butt was huge and that he's going to go out for drinks with his old college girlfriend and that all your casseroles taste like poop. Just thought you'd want to know...

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