All comics by r2_d2

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by r2_d2
2-22-04
"Stereophonics: Free concert at The Cubby Bear Wrigleyville"
Can I see your ticket?
What do you mean "ticket"?
You need a ticket to get in.
Your sign says this is a "Free" Show?
It is if you have a ticket.  We didn't put that on the sign because then you wouldn't have come and bought any $4 drinks.
Leave it to Clear Channel to do to live music what they did to radio.

 

by r2_d2
2-23-04
At the beach, R2-D2 meets a beautiful (and natural) redhead.
Isn't this a beautiful sunset?
If that's supposed to be a pickup line, save it.  We'd have to be the last two people on Earth, charged with repopulating the human race, before I'd sleep with you, R2.
Several flawed foreign policies and one nuclear war later ...
Well, now we're the last two people on Earth.
So it seems.  But I still fail to see why I be concerned about that in any appreciable way.
and R2 learns that nuclear holocaust isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Well, you said, "We'd have to be the last two people on Earth ... before [you'd] sleep with [me]."  Well, here we are.
And you thought I was serious?  Gawd, you're pathetic.

 

by r2_d2
2-23-04
Somewhere, USA, 2004.
I've decided to join the US Olympic team.
The Olympics?! That has to be your worst attempt to pick me up yet!
No, really.  I'm going to compete in the Luge.  It's the sport where being "athetic" is defined as "not putting up wind resistance".
Fine, knock yourself out.
Torino, Italy, 2006:
Okay, I could have told him that the Luge also requires balance and coodination, but there was a sale at Abercrombie I had to get to.

 

by r2_d2
2-24-04
You're watching Action 6 News!
... I guess that gives new meaning to the phrase "Heads up!" Ha ha! Back to you, Tim.
Come on, get to the weather report!
Twelve minutes later ...
Final score:  Astros 5, Pirates 2.  In High School action today ...
Enough already, just give me the #$*%ing weather!
Thirteen minutes later yet...
And finally, in weather, it looks like four more days of bright, sunny 75° bliss, before the rain puts a damper on the weekend.
Why the #$*% do I actually pay attention to this bull$#!%?

For that matter, why don't I watch TV indoors?

 

by r2_d2
2-28-04
Thursday, 14:00:
[I'm totally fucking awesome, because I have GNU/Linux installed on me.  Your computer looks upon me with envy.  I actually enable productivity, and am more than an ad-delivery mechanism.]
I have 22 hours to write a thirty-page appellate brief, and to have it copied and bound.  No sweat, I've pulled all-nighters before.
Twenty seconds later:
Oh, great, random shit falling out of the sky from out of nowhere onto my computer, crushing it.  That's just great, now I'll have to go to the law school's lab and (shudder) use Windows.
Stage 1 of Grief:  Denial
This can't be happening!  Does G-d hate me or something?
Yes, He does.  It's because you went to see The Passion of the Christ yesterday.  That was Blasphemous.

 

by r2_d2
2-29-04
So, are you watching the Academy Awards tonight?
No, I'm boycotting them because they snubbed Adaptation last year.
But Chris Cooper got Best Supporting Actor.
And deservedly so.  But it should have at least won Best Adapted Screenplay.  The Academy wouldn't know originality if it bit them in the ass.
Later on that evening ...
And the Oscar for Best Makeup goes to ...

 

by r2_d2
2-29-04
The very next day:
Lemme guess:  you broke down and watched the Oscars.
Of course I did.  You know damned well I couldn't resist that kind of temptation.
But next, year, I am boycotting, 'cuz of how they cheated Mitch & Mickey out of Best Song.
Yeah, that sucked—no one's ever been moved to tears over an Annie Lennox song.  But you'll never go through with it.  You never do, Artie.
Approximately One Year Later:
And the Award for Outstanding Cinematography goes to ...
Well, at least I'm not taping it.  That's gotta count for something.

 

by r2_d2
3-02-04
R2 is feeding the parrot of a friend who is out of town.
Hmmm...  I wonder if I can get it to say anything?
Just this little ditty I picked up:
(chanting) Gadji beri bimba clandridi! Lauli lonni cadori gadjam! A bim beri glassala glandride! E glassala tuffm i zimbra!
Shit, this can't possibly be good.
They must play it Madonna records.
Hi, I'm Don.  Did somebody summon me?  It better be important, 'cuz I was playing Jenga, and 'cuz do you have any idea what a bus from the frigging Nether Realm costs?

 

by r2_d2
3-02-04
R2 Goes To the Cinema,
$6.50, Theatre 6
I'd like one ticket for PotC.  Student discount.
Where He Discovers Holly-
I wonder why the theatre's so empty; I thought everyone was seeing The Passion of the Christ, but there are only two other moviegoing patrons--wait a minute, I recognise that theme music!
wood's Horrible Secret:
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days,
This isn't about Jesus at all—"PotC" is actually the film version of Happy Days—with Jerry O'Connell as Potsie!  Oh, the humanity! Damn you Mel Gibson! Damn you to Hell!

 

by r2_d2
3-03-04
http://www.zwire.com/site/11051984.html
And finally in the news tonight, a local woman was hospitalized after driving her car into a river at the state park.
When questioned, she claimed she was trying to reenact a scene from The Passion of the Christ.  This of course, begs the question, which scene was she trying to reenact?
Could it have been this memorable scene?
Now, if I could just find some loaves to go with these fishes...
Is that your Porsche over there in the parking lot?
Or maybe this one?
I can put you behind the wheel of this beauty for only $9999.
Throw in rustproofing, so I can drive it across the Sea of Galilee, and you've got yourself a deal, mister.

 

by r2_d2
3-05-04
http://edition.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/ Movies/03/04/film.goodbye.godzilla.ap/
And finally in entertainment news, Toho films announced the "retirement" of Godzilla after his final film, Godzilla: Final Wars, due out later this year.
Gojira-san, you've made 28 feature films over 50 years.  What are you going to do next?
I'm going to Disneyworld™!
You're not fooling anyone, you know.  You're 65,000,050 years old.
Well, I am going to Florida.  There's a real nice retirement community in Tampa.  They have dinner at 4:00 p.m.—how cool is that?

 

by r2_d2
3-09-04
R2 Has To Explain This Too Many Times.
So, like, why did you, like, shave your head, R2?
Well, I happen to be fortunate enough to have a well-shaped head, so it looks really kickass.
Well, I can't really argue with that.  But, like, what's the deal with keeping the beard, then?
Well, I never shave my beard.  And it creates a really neat contrast around my glasses, which creates a dividing effect at the top of my sideburns, making me look really cool.
I see.  But you're, like, wearing contacts.
That, my friend, is what we call "irony".

 

by r2_d2
3-10-04
R2 Argues Via Instant Messenger (Actual Conversation):
"Godzilla is blue in colour."
"you mean blue with shades of yellow, right?"
Meanwhile, 500 Miles of Fiber-optic Cable Away:
[various frames from Godzilla vs King Kong, which was filmed in colour]
"That's technicolor of a B&W film"
You know nothing of my work.
Wow, Godzilla! In my own living room!  Can I get a photo to prove I really met you?  I'll have to run it through Photoshop, though, you're looking a little green.

 

by r2_d2
3-12-04
(Due to the limited nature of Stripcreator, please assume either that R2 is holding the phone at his head, or that it's a speakerphone)
Hi, this is Debbie at the utility company. We're calling about our Budget Gas Plan, where we can lock in your future gas rates at today's price, before they rise next winter.
I see.  And how does that work?
Over the next seven minutes:
Well, since utility rates tend to rise ... blah blah ... deregulation ... blah blah ... charge current gas price in the future.
I see.  And since you're at the Electric Company, you know I have electric heating, right?
Oh.  Thanks for your time.
Damn.  Why can't I ever get a call from Boardwalk or the B&O Railroad?

 

by r2_d2
3-15-04
Coming this summer, it's "Vapor Trails", the Rush 30th Anniversary Tour!
Tickets to that would be sweet.
The Rolling Stones Were the First to React to the News:
Big deal, Mick, we've been touring at least twice as long as those wanks!
Yes, Keith, but at least we can take solace in the fact that even fewer of kids today know who they are.
"Although I hear Geddy's got a deal with Nickelodeon to try to capture the youth market."
Free Will! I choose you!
This is so humiliating.  Will someone please explain to me what the Hell this Pokéythingie's suppose to be, eh?

 

by r2_d2
3-28-04
Walter Mondale
But everyone in America could relate to "Where's the Beef?"
Roberto Goizueta
Oh, like you knew people happy with the old Coca-Cola recipe.
Sammy Hagar
Shit.  Now I'm going to have to sing Jump every freakin' night.

 

by r2_d2
3-30-04
Kiel mi povas helpi vin hodiaÇ”?
Mi volas aeroplanbileton al Kataro.  Äœi estas mia hejmlando.
Vere?  Vi ne aspektas kiel vi estas de la Lando de Kataro.
Mi certigas vin—mi estas paca Katarano; kaj certige mi ne estas teroristo araba.
Kien min ekspedis ili?
Al la Lando de Kataro, kompreneble.  Ĉu vi ŝatus renkonti la Katojn aliajn?

 

by r2_d2
3-31-04
In The News:  http://tinyurl.com/ysjwh
Ah, fish sticks, fresh from the oven.  Surely my husband will appreciate all the hard work I do slaving over a hot oven now!
I'll just turn it up to 350°, and—holy shit! is that what I think it is in there?
Serves the bitch right—she ain't even opened the damned oven for two fucking weeks.

 

by r2_d2
3-31-04
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/ sm_905414.html
In sports, a new soccer league is being set up in Mexico, in which all players and referees will be gay.  Covering the story is correspondent Miguel Ortíz.
Thank you, Sally.  I'm here talking with star forward for the Fashion Team, Hector Ordoñez.
¿I'm on TV?  ¡Hola, mamá!
* Yes, "Fashion Team" and "G Strength" are actual team names.
Hector, how do you feel about the upcoming match this Friday against G Strength*?
Oh, Miguel, we're going to play fabulously!  I'm going to bend it like Beckham, if you know what I mean!

 

by r2_d2
4-01-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/220795
Fine. Be that way. You're Right. You're always right.
But only about your choice of characters to portray me in this panel.
Well, I don't want to overinflate your ego ...
So I'll tell you that I only picked it because of the unhumanly emaciated physique.
Har-de-har-har.  I'd like to see you make pleated culottes look this good.

 

by r2_d2
4-01-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/220804
Dude, you may have the stunning good looks of Marty Feldman, but you have none of his class.
Who needs class when you've got style?
Did someone say "style"?  I might be able to be of assistance on that.
Wow! It's Steve, the Angel of Sarcasm!
I don't know how this series got this far without you.
Hey!  The sarcasm bit is mine!  Don't try to horn in on my racket!

 

by r2_d2
4-01-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/220815
Wait!  I'm to young to die!
Shut up!  From this point on, you're not allowed to talk any more.
Well, I since I led a virtuous, Christian life, I shouldn't worry, right?  "Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death..."
Yeah, just keep telling yourself that.
Welcome to the Afterlife.  I'm your Angelic Guide, Steve, and I'll be keeping you company for the rest of Eternity.
I always said Sisyphus got off easy.  Turns out I was right

 

by r2_d2
4-01-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ Interlocking_Man/220821
Fo'shizzle, dawg!  You just can't do this to me!  It's Crizz-nuel and Unusual Pizz-nunishment!
You don't understand.  This is Hell.
Wha'chu talkin' 'bout Willis?  I wuz learnin' up in Law Skizz-ool when I got capped—this brutha' knows his rights!
What makes you think we're bound by the United States' Constitution here, anyway?
How 'bout the fizz-nakt that all lizz-nawyers end up hizz-ere?
Damn.  I thought that was a secret.

 

by r2_d2
4-02-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/220959
Well, if no one else is around, I'm gonna make a break for it.
I'll just check my back ...
It looks clear.  I'm gone.
Um, hi there.  I'm not really supposed to be here.  They told me I could leave, since I haven't done anything.  Really
Trying to escape, eh?  Well, thou shalt not pass until thou canst answer me these riddles three.  Art thou ready for Question the First?

 

by r2_d2
4-04-04
Every hour 16:30 Friday through 05:00 Sunday
Come on! Come on! Come on!  I gotta win these Tesla tickets!
You're caller two, we're looking for number fifteen.
Finally, Sunday morning, 07:00
Did I make it?
Congratulations, caller!
We've got two concert tickets for you!
Why would I need two tickets?  Are you saying I'm fat?

 

by r2_d2
4-04-04
R2's Apartment, 03:00 a.m.
Is this all my life is really about?
Wait, what is that beside my desk?
Oooh!  "Smarties"!  I've got candy, my life has meaning!
Hey! Pay attention to me!  I gave you life—I can destroy you!

 

by r2_d2
4-04-04
[Doorbell]
Hold on!
Trick or Treat!
Aren't you a little late for Halloween?  Or early?  I'm not quite sure which, since it's, like, fuckin' April.
Oh, sorry.  I could never get the hang of Daylight Savings Time.
 

 

by r2_d2
4-06-04
Salutations!  My people have sent me to deliver the secrets of our advanced technology and inner enlightenment to you, Mr. D2.
An alien?  What do I do?  Okay, stay calm, just remember what you've learned from Star Trek.
Now where did he run off to?
I'll be right back!  I've been waiting for someone to play with!
Damnit.  A tridimensional chessboard.  Well, I may have come in peace, but that doesn't mean I can't vapourize his Trekkie ass.
I made it out of Legos™!

 

by r2_d2
4-07-04
He'd play touch football with the "Nuclear Football"
Hail Mary pass.  I'll go long.
I keep telling you, sir:  I'm not a Secret Service Agent; I'm just a tourist.
At least once a week, he'd lock himself out of the White House
Now which one of these bricks did I hide the key in?
He'd bomb parts of his own country instead of other ones
Okay, I can understand when he nuked Redmond, but why did he do this to New Jersey?
Um, he didn't.  We weren't going to attack Jersey 'til next week.

 

by r2_d2
4-09-04
Now available on CD, Cassette, and Vinyl!
Turning Japanese,
R2 Sings the Greatest Hits of the 80s!
I think I'm turning Japanese,
I really think so!
No, you were just too lazy to change the default settings of the third panel.

 

by r2_d2
4-09-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ sabuwolf/222776
Could we hurry it up a little?  I really do need to be going!
Why are you in such a rush?
I left my computer running seven days ago when I got dragged here.  I need to get home and virus-check it.
You're not fooling me, R2.  Everyone knows you're a Linux user.
And before you ask, "Why are you in such a rush?" did not count as Question the Second.
Get on with it! Or else I'll have to fsck you in the BASH.

 

by r2_d2
4-09-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/222809
Okay, your next punishment is called the "Hall of Mirrors":  You must walk down this corridor, and look into each mirror.  They will reveal your true inner self.
Oooh! Sounds like fun!
I'm probably a sex magnet, or a king, or something important like that.
Hot damn! First thing out of here, I'm going to Richard Gere's house!

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
This song is dedicated to all the "ladies" in the house:
I'm just a Sweet Transvestite / From Transexual, Transylvania, ah-ha!
It appears the lights have suddenly gone out.  We sincerely apologise to all of you who were hoping to see R2 in drag, but trust us, it's better that way. - The Management
Hey! I heard that!

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
I hate John Cage.

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
We don't need no education / We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom / Teachers, leave those kids alone
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
All in all, it's just another brick in the wall.
All right? Who chucked a brick at me?

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
Red, red wine
Stay close to me (hic!)
Could somebody help me up? I think I've had too many! (hic)

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
... Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Well, maybe if you'd put on a little weight, you wouldn't have that problem!

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
Brown Sugar!
How come you taste so good?
That reminds me:  could someone get me a donut while I'm up here?

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks'!
Yes, and if you inquire any further as to the matter I shall have to open a serious can of whoop-ass on your tiny frame.

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
Testing. Testing.
{weeeeeeeeee}
Testing. 1. 2. 3.
{weeeeeeeeee}
Wait a minute—this isn't Back on the Road Again...

 

by r2_d2
4-10-04
The Devil went down to Georgia
He was looking for a soul to steal
You know nothing of my work.

 

by r2_d2
4-11-04
I've never been a sinner / I've never sinned
I've got a friend in Jesus / So I know that when I die
He's gonna recommend me to the Spirit in the Sky
You know nothing of my work.

 

by r2_d2
4-11-04
For the 42nd Time, R2 Ruins Another of Your Precious Childhood Memories:
These are the people in your neighbourhood
In your neighbourhood
And if you don't immediately quit singing so loudly that the entire neighbourhood can hear you, the rest of the neighbours and I will kick your scrawny little ass for destroying our property values!

 

by r2_d2
4-11-04
Based on www.stripcreator.com/ comics/ClashTheStampede/223156
Two against nature don't you know / Who's gonna grok the shape of things to go
Two against nature make them groan
Is he making fun of us?
I think so.

 

by r2_d2
4-11-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/223195
Move it, it's my turn to sing now.
Fine.  If you think it's so easy.
Psycho killer, qu'est que c'est / Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better
Officer! I swear it was a justifiable homicide!  Have you heard R2's singing?
Oh, well, you're free to go then.

 

by r2_d2
4-11-04
Based on www.stripcreator.com/ comics/ClashTheStampede/223203
I'm a little bit country
And I'm a little bit rock and roll
Now available in this 86-disc set, R2 and Xenu sing all your favourite duets!
I really can't stay
But baby, it's cold outside
Hey, how come I keep getting the female parts?
No, no, no.  Your line is "Brad, I'm mad / for you too"  Let's take it from the top!

 

by r2_d2
4-12-04
Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds aaaaaand mars!
"No" means "no"!
Ow! my nuts!  Now I understand what they meant by "Love is just a lie made to make you blue".

 

by r2_d2
4-12-04
Darganfyddais gwir baradwys Rhyl / Gwledd o fedd gynhyrfodd Cymraes swil
Every day when I wake up / I thank the Lord I'm Welsh
That's it!  By the authourity of Her Majesty's Government, I'm hereby invading this strip.
Pommy wanker.

 

by r2_d2
4-12-04
Continued from http://www.stripcreator.com/comics/ ClashTheStampede/223325
Okay, so this is the car you wanna take to Vegas?
Yeah.  Sweet ride, innit?
I don't think that's a good idea.
What makes you say that, my lad?
Well, if Grand Theft Auto: Vice City has taught me nothing else, it's that if you're gonna steal a car, you do it when there aren't any cops around. That and how much the 80s rocked.
Vice City?  I thought the only video games you played were on the Atari 2600?

 

by r2_d2
4-12-04
Continued from www.stripcreator.com/ comics/ClashTheStampede/223401
So we're getting out in the morning?
Yeah, but it's not gonna be pretty when we do.
Why's that?
Well, we were on the news last night.  Scientologists have been waiting seventy-five million years for me to escape from imprisonment.
So we'll probably have an army of Scientologists assembled outside the jailhouse waiting to kill us in the morning.
Hell, I'm sure we can take 'em.  As long as I get to shiv Barbarino.

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