All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
12-05-01
So I says, "Well, them defibrillator paddles ain't gonna perform CPR by themselves."
Ha, Ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
12-05-01
One day on the practice field...
So I says, "Well, them cross-contaminated letters ain't gonna generate enough aerobic cocaine particles to maintain my buzz all by themselves."
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
12-05-01
Well, big boy, let's take that powerful rotor turbine of yours and slowly put it into my particle accelerator. We'll apply some thrust and generate gravitons together.
Oh yeah!
Who the heck am I talkfucking with?

 

by kaufman
12-05-01
Olympic Village, Los Angeles, shortly before the Closing Ceremonies
So what will you do when this is all over, Carl?
Frankly, I don't need to do much. I outed Louganis to Meese, and they've rewarded me with McDonald's and Hertz gigs.
Not bad. Guess I shouldn't have voted for Anderson in '80. All I'm getting is a nibble from Jiffy Lube.
That's tough. Hey, don't let anyone know I finked Greg; I'd hate for them to ...
... MARY LOU RETTON! Have you been listening in?
Pass the Wheaties, boys. Perky Gymnast is outendorsing you!

 

by kaufman
12-05-01
For today, we celebrate the first glorious anniversary of the Information Purification Directives. We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure ideology.
Where each worker may bloom secure from the pests of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought is more powerful a weapon than any fleet or army on earth.
We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause. Our enemies shall talk themselves to death. And we will bury them with their own confusion. We shall prevail!
YIIIIIIIEEEE! Independent Thinker is pureeing you!
On January 24th, Apple will introduce Macintosh. And you'll see why 1984 won't be like "1984."

 

by kaufman
12-05-01
Do you know how fast you were driving?
Never mind that, boy, I want you to bend over and squeal like a pig!

 

by kaufman
12-06-01
o/` I love smog, I hate trees, I'm a reactionary. With a mental age of maybe four or five, I'll ship arms so death squads thrive. o/`
Ha ha ha ha!
Mommy, I heard that those nice Contras are selling cocaine to the CIA, who bring it to our slums so that all the black people will kill each other and get arrested.
No more television for you, little girl! Evil Dinosaur is brainwashing you.
What are you talking about? Barney doesn't even premeire for another 5 years?
Barney who? I'm talking about Reagan!

 

by kaufman
12-06-01
What do I remember from 1984? Well, in that year I lost my cherry ...
Horny student is seducing you!
Or vice versa!
I spent a lot of time in front of a CRT, either on USENET, or playing Rogue ...
Viscious troll is killing you!
Damn!
And although I could make the 15-hour drive home with one hand behind my back, I wound up with plane reservations for Spring Break.
Generous Mother is treating you!
Well, Ok.

 

by kaufman
12-06-01
Just as well I flew home, as I was sick that week. But at my connection point in Dayton ...
The storm's been slow to pull out of New York, so your flight's canceled. Piedmont Airlines is rerouting you ...
*cough* Now you know why I'm calling this airport "Delayton."
I got into Washington National with just 30 minutes to get from one end of the airport to the commuter plane at the other end.
Slow down, Mr. Clock. Panting redhead is racing you!
I made it ... but my luggage didn't
Whew!
Busy stewardess is boarding you.

 

by kaufman
12-06-01
From the New Jersey Turnpike, the Meadowlands sports complex rises like three sphinxes in the desert...
Carcinogenic fumes are poisoning you.
...and a friend and I were going to a hockey game there. However, we had to cope with a downpour and bad traffic, and got there late, having to park far away.
Run for it! Frigid rain is pelting you!
*cough* Here I go again!
But we eventually settled down and enjoyed the game.
Yo! Two more beers here.
HEY GOALIE! ISLANDER CENTER IS BEATING YOU!

 

by kaufman
12-06-01
A few days earlier I had gone to see the doctor.
Sick puppy is infecting you.
Probably so, but let me take some blood anyway.
... And now the other shoe dropped.
Family Doctor is diagnosing you.
Let me guess ... just a bout with the flu, right?
Actually no. I'd had a case of mono floating through my system, and meanwhile subjected myself to all that stress unknowingly. This story is all true!
Clever cartoonist is bullshitting you.
Is not! This is how it happened.

 

by kaufman
12-06-01
DexX,
dog ball,
and bouts with Holly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
'Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our gay apparel. Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
TOBOR ANCIENT YULETIDE CORNHOLE! RAAAR RA RA RA RAAR, RA RA RA RAAAR!!!

 

by kaufman
12-06-01
Cowboy Plastics
So I says, "Well them polymerized molecules ain't gonna bond by themselves."
Ha, Ha!
Cowboy Fezziks
So I says, "Well them big heavy rocks ain't gonna give the masked man hard knocks."
Ha, Ha!
Coelentrate Physics
So I says, "Well them coral reefs ain't gonna aerate by themselves."
Ha, Ha!

 

by kaufman
12-08-01
Look at this. Nothing but damned souls.
All of whom strayed from the straight and narrow of their various religions.
But no fundamentalist Christians here. Were they more righteous, or something?
Of course not. They just had the shepherding of Jack T. Chick to help them through the perils and pitfalls of this world.
So if other religions picked up the Chick modus operandi?
That's right. Salvation everywhere! And it's already begun! Let's take a look at what's circulating out there ...

 

by kaufman
12-08-01
Hey, Srinivas, are you flaying that cow again? You know they are sacred. That's no way to achieve Nirvana. You will probably come back as a fly.
I know. But I'd rather remain on this earth, even wallowing in deep shit, than be wed to Courtney Love and shooting myself in the head for all eternity.
Please reconsider. This earthly cycle brings nothing but pain. You must escape.
Sorry, Ram, I would love to chat, but I've got some Untouchables to tickle.
His next life...
Hot damn! I'm a ...
... firefly. AAAUUUGGGGHHH!

 

by kaufman
12-08-01
Are you trick-or-trating and letting godless materialism control you? Come to the pumpkin patch and await the arrival of the Great Pumpkin.
No way. I want candy, candy, candy!
Hooray! The Great Pumpkin came and left me 10 tons of candy, a brand new car, a Sony Playstation, and Eunice.
I got a rock, a razor blade, an anthrax-tainted apple, another rock, and a temporary restraining order.
Join us. We all have rocks!

 

by kaufman
12-08-01
Hey Sam, what's new?
I'm putting up a Nativity scene. Isn't it beautiful?
My god! A cross! Perfect right angles! Have you strayed this far from the teachings of our Lord?
Repent! Return to the teachings of truth. Or risk spending eternity blithering away insanely next to Lord Cthulhu in the undersea city of R'lyeh.
blblblblbllblblbbbl!

 

by kaufman
12-08-01
You are right. I see the errors of my ways! I shall repent. I'll strive to erase all Elder Signs. I will work to build a non-Euclidean world.
I will show adults sights no human should see, and decapitate children in the names of Azathoth, Cthulhu, and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
Sam lived a righteous life, and was justly rewarded. He was called to spend eternity blithering away insanely next to Lord Cthulhu in the undersea city of R'lyeh.
blblblblbllblblbbbl!

 

by kaufman
12-09-01
Today on The View, we are pleased to be speaking with the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan. Now Satan, you have a truly vile reputation, but it's not all fire and brimstone, is it?
No, as a matter of fact I've had my pratfalls. I once used telekinesis to put an elelphant into Groucho Marx's pajamas ... and it became the root of one of his most famous lines.
In your new book it says you were also going to teleport a leech to his upper lip, but you decided that would be redundant.
These days telekinesis is one of Hell's main industries. Speaking of which, how'd you like that puddle of bile on your dressing room floor today? My administrative assistant did that.
You ARE the Prince of Lies! Are we to believe that a mere administrative assistant did that?
Well, that's her politically correct title. Officially, of course, she's a secrete ary.

 

by kaufman
12-11-01
Miniature seismographs record users' subvocalizations , which are processed by ten parallel nanomachines.
Gyroscopes keep it upright, and a nuclear powered battery will keep it running for millennia. USB ports are provided to the graviton generator, ...
...and a series of pulleys interface it with any size rotor turbines. Is this the greatest invention since sliced bread, or what?
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
12-12-01
I've had all my picks and tools surgically attached to my head. It makes things much easier.
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL DRILL YOU!!!
Hello, I'm NOT painless.

 

by kaufman
12-12-01
I'm here with Peter Coffin, president of Reston Pete's Funeral Home. Mr. Coffin, how do you respond to complaints about your careless service?
Complaints? You surely haven't heard a word from my customers. I dare say they're all perfectly satisfied!
A cross? I'm Jewish, for crying out loud!
Cheap bastards wouldn't finish the 'B' on my stone. It's Regina I. Bussy.
How dare they drag me out every week and make me say, "Moh".
Demande crematum, non holum interrum.

 

by kaufman
12-13-01
HEY TOOTHGNIP! WE HAD TO TRAVEL A LONG WAY, BUT WE'RE FINALLY ALONE!!!
That's right, Tobor, and to think that we're now about a quarter of the way from the Equator to the South Pole.
Ok, folks. Take a good look at those two lovebirds. Can anyone tell me where they are?

 

by kaufman
12-13-01
WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Pants. It's a boy!
Isn't he darling?
Honey, look at him! I told you you should lay off the thalidomide!

 

by kaufman
12-13-01
WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Pants. It went off without a hitch. Take a good look!
Isn't he darling?
Honey, look at him! I told you you should lay off the thalidomide!

 

by kaufman
12-14-01
You've got to help me, Doc! My entire jaw is in agonizing pain!
It looks like you need an emergency root canal. Please sit down. I can be drilling in 30 seconds.
But aren't you forgetting something? What about the novocaine?
I'm not some kind of maharishi, you know. I need the pain killer, NOW! Well? WHAT ABOUT THAT NOVOCAINE? Doctor? Doctor?
I'm sorry. The number you have called is not in service. Please try again later.

 

by kaufman
12-14-01
One day next to the Mystery Machine ...
Ro Ri Red, "Rell, Rem Roror Rurrines Rain Runna Renerate Rooby Racks Rye Remrelves!"
Ra, Ra!
Rut Ra Ruck Rarr Rue Ralking Rarout?

 

by kaufman
12-14-01
Hi, Clark!
Great Scott! Get a load of those ta-tas! This looks like a job for X-Ray Vision.
This superpower stuff ain't all it's cracked up to be.

 

by kaufman
12-17-01
So he took his toga and toupee off; you've got a problem with that?
Thank goodness you're here, soldier, what's the word from the front?
Hail Caesar, good tidings throughout. Antony hitched his submersibles undetected to the Phonecian fleet, and now his army is storming Egypt.
Cicero's commando squad has infiltrated Asia Minor, and they are now genetically reengineering the opium poppies.
As for Brutus, his army has stormed through France. They must have napalmed 80% of the country.
Brutus firebombed France? That's in direct violation of the Helvetian Accords! What gall!
Uh, what Gaul? I daresay, not much of it left after that attack. Not much of it is left!

 

by kaufman
12-18-01
OH, AREN'T YOU A NICE KITTY KITTY! LET'S FIND YOU SOME GOOD BOOKS TO READ. HERE'S ONE, THE CAT IN THE HAT COMES BACK.
Excuse me, can you keep it down? I'm trying to read.
OH, THE LITTLE GIRL WANTS TO READ, WELL ISN'T THAT TOO BAD? WHO'S GONNA SHUT US UP?
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by kaufman
12-19-01
So ... come up to the lab! And see what's on the slab!
I see you shiver with antici

 

by kaufman
12-19-01
Well, them rotor turbines sure do generate palindromes.
Ha, ha!
o/` Home, home on the range!
Egnar, eht no emoh e.
moh.

 

by kaufman
12-20-01
So these guys want a decision in the contest. How best to resolve it? Better do some historical research.
The contestants receive the news
I've sought out the best way to resolve the tie, and I think I've found it in the First Book of Kings.
Like Solomon, I've cut the trophy in two, and sent half of it to each of you.

 

by kaufman
12-20-01
Santa, for Christmas I'd like a Barbie doll and a pony and a set of ben-wa balls.
Have you been a good little girl this year?
Very good, except for the time I was playing with Mommy's earrings and one of them fell down the toilet and got flushed and we couldn't get it out and she was crying ...
Down the toilet, eh? KER-TRANS-FORM!
Deseptictank!
In the flesh! Now hand me that plunger and snake, little girl.

 

by kaufman
12-21-01
Soylent Red is made of these.
Soylent Blue is made of these.

 

by kaufman
12-21-01
?
?
Hey Doc, where's the quadripalegic ward?

 

by kaufman
12-21-01
I am a biscuit, in a box I dwell, it's dry in here, but what the hell! I just lie in here with all of my friends, I hope this good life never ends!
What's going on, they've taken me out, for what purpose, I have some doubt. I'm on the floor, I've drawn a crowd, and now their grunting's getting way too loud!

 

by kaufman
12-24-01
Whoa, that was a rough Season, Santa. I'm sure ready to close up the factory.
Tell me about it, Legolas. I've earned my 6 months in Rio,
By the way, I think between the tight chimneys and the dogs and the strip-searches, that coat's finally had it.
Not a problem, I have a special source of replacements.
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL COR... DAMMIT, WHAT A LOUSY TIME TO MOLT!!!

 

by kaufman
12-25-01
Onboard TWA 1225: North Pole to LAX
So where are you headed now that the deliveries are over, Prancer?
Oh, I've got a sweet little dotcom startup in the Valley to manage. And where are you headed, Rudy?
Hollywood. I'll be co-starring with Mary Poppins in a remake of that 1995 Playgirl mockumentary. And it all has to be finished in 6 days!
You're putting me on again. Just like when you said your nose could concentrate a laser beam. No way is that true.
It is so true. Look at this Time magazine: RUDOLPH, JULIE ANDREWS IN 2001'S MAN OF THE YEAR
*sigh* I keep telling you to take that remedial reading course. If you did, you might quit calling the Big Guy Satan.

 

by kaufman
12-25-01
One day at the ranch ...
So I said, "fucking aol mutherfucker disconnect god damn dial up peice of shit trash."
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
12-26-01
You can't keep us in here. Don't you know who I am?
We sure do, Mr. Claus. And we're charging you with cruelty to animals, evading customs and smuggling, ...
violating restricted airspace, speeding, 75,218,341 counts of breaking and entering, another 30 million or so petty larceny...
Sheeeee, man, you hear that? He's baaaad! You can't lock me up wid him!

 

by kaufman
12-26-01

 

by kaufman
12-26-01
As we saw last week, if you cross a man with a hooved farm animal, you'll get a centaur.
And if you cross a woman with a fish, you'll get a mermaid.
Today we find out what happens when you cross a man with a bed ...

 

by kaufman
12-27-01
One day on the set...
So I said, "For $1,000,000, what don't rotor turbines generate by themselves? (A) Wind, (B) Photons, (C) Gravitons, or (D) Almonds?
Ha, ha.
Isn't Cody just the most precious thing?

 

by kaufman
12-27-01
Another great pickup line ...
I really love your peaches, wanna shake your tree!
Sounds great! Let's go back to my place.
Step right in, bedroom's on the right.

 

by kaufman
12-28-01
So, what will you all do now that Christmas is over?
I've got a big contract with Keebler lined up. They've got a major biscuit shipment to Scotland they need prepared.
I'll be playing the Wicked Witch of the West in a traveling production of The Wizard of Oz. You won't want to miss my exit scene!
I've been pining fir a few weeks in Tinseltown. I maple out of the city and head to the beech - I've gotta spruce up my tan, yew know.

 

by kaufman
12-28-01
1968
Look, Tito, it's a clear day here in Gary. I can see across the street.
I'm over here, Michael.
1988
RAAAR! LEAHCIM WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
1995
Hey Elvis! It's me, your son-in-law! Tee hee.

 

by kaufman
12-28-01
1970
Im blakker than this now butt my brothers rapp me.
they rap you good
1984
watch my thriler video or i will have to rap you on the trane to nevverland.
i am a dogg you queer rappist
2o0l
your affrade of me arnt you cuntwash!
prngtkclg

 

by kaufman
12-28-01
Although I can't remember, my tattoo says the guy in the red suit is the one who killed my wife and that I should kill him. Goodbye at last!
.....click
Ha, there's a suitable victim. I'll kill his wife, freeze his brain, and leave him a note that will frame Santa.
.....click
Sorry Frosty, with the recession like it is and your slipping ratings this season, we've got to let you go.

 

by kaufman
12-29-01
Ho, Ho, Ho! PULL!!!
* BANG! *
You're a real bastard, Nick. Why not just put the old ones out to stud?

Showing page 10.

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