All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
1-05-04
I'm sorry. I'd love to fight you, but there's one problem...
What's that?
I'm Canadian.
Poor kid, you don't even know HOW to fight!
I knew I should have spent my $20 on hockey tickets.
Slow down, partner. I'll put us in the Canadian wilderness. Maybe that will inspire you somehow.

 

by umfumdisi
1-05-04
Wow, I do feel a BIT more confident.
Great, now I'll just insult your heritage until you take a swing at me.
Well good luck finding anyting wrong with Canada...
Maple Leafs SUCK. Devils rule hockey!
Hey that's kinda out of line, there.
Hey, I have two US quarters in my pocket, I think I'll buy Saskatoon!

 

by umfumdisi
1-05-04
The exchange rate isn't THAT bad, eh.
Your mother was an igloo and your father smelled of Quebecois!
That hardly makes sense.
Moulson is piss on tap!
If you don't stop, I might get upset.
Blue Rodeo couldn't carry a tune in a toque.

 

by umfumdisi
1-05-04
Well, they are slightly less-well-known than Anne Murray.
Dammit, does anything make you angry?
Not really.
Hell, then I give up.
You give up? I WIN!!
My poor brain.

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Pat...Sajak... book...signing...

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-06-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-07-04

 

by umfumdisi
1-07-04
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the Prestidigitator of Psyche, The Prince of Psychosis, The Psychic with The HighKick...TARMAC The Magnificent!!
Thank you, O Swiller of Suds. *Yeesh, I've heard better introductions at a wake.*
I hold in my hand the first envelope. What is the answer, O Wise One?
Wang Zhi Zhi and Kim Dong-Il.
Wang Zhi Zhi and Kim Dong-Il. Now, what is the question INSIDE the evelope?
Name two of Rabid_Weasle's favorite people.

 

by umfumdisi
1-07-04

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
*Knock, Knock*
Humor, I think it's over between us.
Do I know you?
*sigh*

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
*Knock, Knock*
This is not an entrance. You're on the wrong side of the building.
But I like to come in through the back door...
Okay, but that's an extra $5.

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
Pardon, sir, I'm new in town. Could you tell me where I am?
No problem, but it'll cost you 50 cents.
But I just need to know where I am so I can get to where I'm going.
And that's why you came to Discount WHERE? HOUSE...
If you say "Where's on first" I'm going to give you a good pecking.
Okay, but first you'll have to hand over the cash and fill out this pecking order.

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
Hello, I need to buy a flashlight, but I can't find the damn things.
They're in Aisle 82 between Flare Guns and "Flatliners" on VHS.
*ponder*
Wow, so the whole store is arranged alphabetically?
Yes, even though it means we get a lot of returns on Shit and Shinola.

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
Hello, good sir, I should like to return this suit I purchased.
You "should?"
Yes, pay no heed to my advanced diction. My superhero speech is obviously beyond your ken.
My "kin?"
Zounds! I did not recognize you at first in that human haberdashery. Your alter ego must be that of mine sworn enemy--"Befuddled Man!"
Me, "befuddled?"

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
Dude, would you quit covering your eyes. All that stuff your dad told you is bullshit.
You mean there's no such thing as a Discount Werewolf?
Of course not. Besides, the moon's only half full.
Half...full? But Dad said the Discount Werewolf only comes out when the moon is half-off!
Dude, please tell me you just said, "SPLAT!"

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
Hawke, I need you and Santini to run a mission for me!
Nay, Archangel, I have fields to plow and a barn to raise.
Please, Hawke, it's a matter of national security.
Widow Kauffman's barn won't raise itself, ye know.
TEN MINUTES LATER...
Okay, Stringfellow, we've switched clothes and facial expressions. I'll go plow Widow Kauffman. You go save those hostages.
To the AIRBUGGY!

 

by umfumdisi
2-05-04
It's been a year...
since you came here...
and filled our lives...
with joy and cheer...
and at this time, we'd like to say...
please don't pour any more cleaning solutions in our vaginas!

 

by umfumdisi
2-10-04
Pardon me, ill-shaven bus stop man, have you heard about Schick's latest razor?
No, and I am not an actor.
Well, let me introduce you to Schick's DEKABLADE! That's right, 10 blades plus three moisturizing strips!
10 blades? Won't that hurt my sensitive skin?
Of course not! I'll let Mr. Voiceover tell us why...
Shit, I hope I'm not Mr. Voiceover.

 

by umfumdisi
2-10-04
Schick's DEKABLADE represents the ULTIMATE in shaving technology. Observe...
The first blade contemplates just how to kick the ass of the hair on your face.
Then, the second blade eases in and grabs up that motherfucker.
Blades 3, 4, and 5 pummel the hair until the root loosens!
BLADE SIX CORNHOLES YOUR PORES!!! RARRRRR!!!
by SCHICK!
Blades 7-9 form up a posse and hunt down any of the hair's relatives.
And Blade 10 deposits plutonium in your pores just in case those damn hairs get any stupid ideas. Now that's a shave--DEKABLADE!

 

by umfumdisi
2-12-04
fAp fAp fAp
lo WebAngel, any chance of joining Olympians?
I don't know you do i?
Picture No. 1: The larch. The larch.
Member number 736
I am ranked top 2000 by the way, I am pretty good yeah?
Well, good enough for me - welcome to Olympians!

 

by umfumdisi
2-12-04
...
...
This is one tall fucking cross.

 

by umfumdisi
2-12-04
...
...
Yes, Margaret, I am here.

 

by umfumdisi
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Hi, I'm Lester. (Dammit, I'm pretty sure I checked "no feebs.")
Hi, I'm Stan. (Dammit, I'm pretty sure I checked "no geeks.")

 

by umfumdisi
2-13-04
Hey, there ain't no sech thing as Francis The Fucking Mule.
I thought only Folger's was "good to the last drop."
I TOLD you it would rub off.

 

by umfumdisi
2-16-04
Megan goes in search of her friend Dianna.
Dianna?
I'm not Dianna I'm Mr. Stinky Butt!
Dianna Have you lost your mind?
Yess.
Dianna? Did you know your farts now smell like Menthol?
Yeah, and your breath smells like an ashtray! Who cares?

 

by umfumdisi
2-18-04
Terminal hangnails?
I ain't never washed my butt.
No, you "have not ever" washed your butt.
I don't think you went deep enough. Try again.

 

by umfumdisi
2-18-04
But you wanted to give me a cat scan.
I swear; I have NOT had any absinthe!
*Quack*

 

by umfumdisi
2-18-04
So, do yours sink or swim?

 

by umfumdisi
2-18-04
*Wham, Wham, Wham*
*Wh-*
Hi, are you here to fix the toilet?
No, I'm hammering your door shut.
Sorry to bother you.

 

by umfumdisi
2-26-04
*Whore, Whore, Whore*
*Wh-*
Hi, are you here to fix the toilet?
Nah, I'm screwin' your doorknob.
Sorry to disturb you.

 

by umfumdisi
2-26-04
*Wind, Wind, Wind*
*Wi-*
Hi, are you here to fix the toilet?
The Big, Bad Wolf sent me...
I've got to get a peephole.

 

by umfumdisi
2-26-04
*Window, Window, Window*
*Wi-*
Hi, are you here to fix the toilet?
Actually, I need you to wipe my glass.
This is beginning to be a pain.

 

by umfumdisi
2-26-04
*Widow, Widow, Widow*
*Wi-*
Hi, are you here to fix the toilet?
Yosemite Sam?
No semite, Ma'am.

 

by umfumdisi
2-26-04
*Wino, Wino, Wino*
*Wi-*
Hi, are YOU here to fix the toilet?
Nope, but I can lick your bung hole clean.
Okay, but it's pretty dark down there. (In my wine cellar, you pervs)

 

by umfumdisi
2-26-04
*Why, no! Why, no! Why, no!*
*Wh-*
Hi, are you here to fix the toilet?
Why, no!
Like you didn't see that one coming...

 

by umfumdisi
3-04-04
Ready?
I guess...
Well?
Let me put it this way.
USE A CONDOM. EVERY PARTNER. EVERY TIME.
Are you filming a PSA?
Yes, and you're Genital Warts Girl!

 

by umfumdisi
3-04-04
In your staring, silent eyes I see... the mask of my mortality............ Your time on Earth--your breath--is spent.............. There never was enough. Lament.....
But we were with you at the last --watching, crying, wanting more......... I was the one who said, "He's passed." --now whying, wailing, nothing more.
Yourself, your name, won't be forgotten.
My son, your name, has been begotten.
Neither here, nor near, yet never far. I swear I sometimes hear guitar! Your life was such great melody; I sing it now--sing it for thee.
Rest In Peace Daniel Mark Gable January 11, 2004

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