All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
10-11-02
Praise Allah! Allah this, Mohammed that!
Hey! Not only is that guy of a dusky complexion, he's praisin' Allah! He must be one o' them torrerists! After him!
I wish they'd put a health warning on the Koran...

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Uh-oh! My forty-second prayer of the day is overdue. If I can't shake this guy soon, I'll be going to hell for sure.
Terrast!
Hey! If I was running towards Mecca, I could pray on the run!
Towel head!
ABOUT TURN!!!
Curry muncher!

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
...so you see, if I don't pray while facing Mecca, the ever-rational Allah will condemn me to hellfire.
Well, the military stopped bombin' them terrorists for Ramadan...
...and if utterly vacuous but culturally sensitive gestures are good enough for our brave boys, they're good enough for me! Eastwards it is!
Camel jockey!
Dear Allah: I don't know why you're so down on this lot. They seem a reasonable enough bunch...

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Carpet flyer!
Excuse me. What's the big hurry?
I'm chasin' a tetrastarist.
What! One o' them Hamas or al-Qaeda types?
Hmm, no, I was thinking Continuity IRA myself.
After him!

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Sand nigger!
Are you two chasing that poor man?
Yes. He's a al-Qaeda Hamas tarist.
You think he might be carryin' one of them' nuc-u-lar dee-vices the President warned us about?
Probably not. I don't know if you can fit a nuclear-equipped warhead on your person.
After him!

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Dune coon!
What's the business, that such a hideous trumpet calls to parley the sleepers of the house?
We're chasing a Hamas terost with a nuc-u-lar dee-vice.
Hey, you reckon he could be Saddam Hussein?
Nah, I'd wager against his coming to Glasgow.
After him!

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Sun goblin!
Where are you going in such a rush?
We're chasing Osama bin Liner. He's a turtle with a nuclear device.
That's ridiculous.
Plus he's a fan of nu-metal shock-rock eight-piece "Slipknot".
AFTER HIM!!!

 

by andydougan
10-11-02
Scud pusher!
Hook nose!
Red Sea pedestrian!
Sheep shagger!
NYAAAARRGRGGH!!! KILL!!!!!!11
La ilaha illa Allah! Alhumdu lillah! Allahu Akbar!

 

by andydougan
10-12-02
What's going on here?
I'm getting a backstreet abortion. The Bush administration closed all the clinics, so this is my sole option.
Uh, right. Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where the house of...
...Uh-oh, gotta go.
Where'd Gaddafi go? Hey, that woman's gettin' a abortion!
After her!

 

by andydougan
10-12-02
Baby killer!
Tree hugger!
Foetus eater!
Sheep shagger!
Wait...do you like Slipknot too?
Son, when we get home, you are *dead*.

 

by andydougan
10-12-02
Hey, what's the hurry? You're not supposed to run so fast while with child!
If I throw up in here and die, you'll be sorry.

 

by andydougan
10-12-02
Help!
What appears to be the problem?
I'm being chased by irate pro-lifers.
Ha ha! Is there any other kind? Okay, hop into my car and we'll get you out of here. *I'm* not pro-life!
The exact opposite, in fact. Nyeh, heh, heh...
Why does your car smell of decomposing human flesh?

 

by andydougan
10-12-02
Pardon me, but did you happen to see a pregnant person come past here?
Yes. She went thataway.
Right. Let's go, boysies!
Thanks. I'll be getting home now.
NO! I mean, er...I'll give you a lift. Just drink this valium and climb into the boot.

 

by andydougan
10-18-02
Greg Dyke, BBC Drector-General
Huw, the government wants us to increase voter apathy, so we'll need a boring person to front our political items.
Andrew Marr?
He's away on maternity leave.
That's insane.
I know. In my day, we were just expected to struggle on. Fuckin' unions...

 

by andydougan
10-18-02
Hey, what about John Pienaar? He'd be perfect!
Except that he's been missing for the last year or so.
Damn! Have you tried phoning his house?
All the phonelines were removed in May to help pay for Anne Robinson's literacy therapy, remember?
Look, I specifically said never to mention that fiasco again!

 

by andydougan
10-18-02
No, I haven't seen him in ages. I thought he was with you.
All right, thanks anyway, Mrs Pienaar.
No joy.
Then there's only one thing for it.
Squander licence-payers' money on a private eye?
Du-uh!

 

by andydougan
10-18-02
I've just thought up a great joke! When is John Pienaar not Joh-
When he's AWOL.
Lucky guess.
If this carries on, I'm going to be not Huw Edwards.

 

by andydougan
10-18-02
The P.I. is here, sir.
Excelente!
Okay. You're looking for one John Pienaar. He's about four feet tall with a moustache and horns.
That could be anyone. Does he have any distinguishing features? Birthmarks, mannerisms et cetera?
He sits on barstools a lot.
So do I, after stupid assignments like this one.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
Perhaps you can fill me in a bit about this John Pienaar?
John Pienaar, eh? Let me tell you about John Pienaar...
He was born in 1949 to a poor single mother who lived near Rotterdam.
Nnngh! Push! I've got to push! Hnnngh! I'm pushing! I'm pushing! Gnnngh!
Oh, no, wait, you're actually supposed to pull this door.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
Hey! I think my waters just br...agh!
To quote Hobbes out of "Calvin and Hobbes": words fail me.
Woo-hoo! HOLLAND! Yeah!

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
I don't think I've ever seen a birth defect like this before.
How d'you mean? Is my brain missing? Do I have spina bifida? Are my genitalia ambiguous? Am I Siamese quintuplets?
No, it's more that you've got horns and fur.
Maybe you shouldn't've done it with that goat, then.
This is Holland. We do things like that all the time.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
Mama Pienaar had very little money. This is why I described her as "poor". Before long the coffers began to run dry.
Well, son, this is my last penny. Should I spend it on food for you, my one-day-old son...
...or fritter it away on the craps tables of the den of deceit and sleaze that is Las Vegas?
I'm not sure it'd go very far towards either.
Vegas it is!

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
Abandoned, John set off to seek his fortune.
This probably isn't the best start to life.
His first attempts to find work were not successful.
You want a job, eh? How old are you, son?
Two days.
Got any references?
No, but I do still have some of my umbilical cord.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
John was tireless in his pursuit of work.
The only vacancy I have is for a contract killer. Ever killed a man?
No, but I can almost use a flushing toilet.
Sadly, he got no offers. Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue.
Hey there, big boy! Looking for a good time?
I do declare, there were times when he was so lonesome he took some comfort there.
Okay, dammit. Let's go for it.
Ha ha! I was just kidding. Like I'd shag you.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
Eventually John found work licking excrement from the shoes of wealthy pimps.
Hurry up. I'm getting married in half an hour.
At least I still have my dignity.
But John wasn't deterred, and made a solemn vow to himself...
One day, I'll leave this two-bit dump! One day, I shall see the shimmering lights of the BBC!
You missed a bit.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
John's big break came when a BBC employee visited his boss to make a "documentary" on the business.
Word is this is the place to come for quadriplegic black sluts.
You want 'em, we got 'em.
Hey! I know you! You're Angus Deayton, rising star with the BBC!
You know me? Er, uh, I'm just, er, making a documentary. Yes, that's right. A documentary.
It's a cutting-edge exposé of this seedy business.
What? Right, you're dead!

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
Say your prayers!
Wait! I can explain!
Tell it to my friends Smith and WessAARGH!
He slipped and broke his neck.
Oops. I must've forgotten to do his shoes today.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?
Could you put in a good word for me with the BBC, try and get me a job there?
I can do better than that! I can take you home for a cocaine-fueled romp with me and Edwina Currie! Whaddya say?
A BBC job will be fine.
I'm not sure you've got the right attitude for it.

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
John's excellent work as a researcher on "Supermarket Sweep" soon attracted the attention of the Beeb bigwigs.
So I was thinking that for the next show, we could have the contestants pull out uzis and cut Dale Winton into bloody slivers.
Amazing! You shouldn't be wasting your talent on this shit!
He was transferred to the news department, where his reporting of the first intifada won him acclaim.
Going onto a bus and blowing yourself up is maybe not the best way to solve problems.
Uh, no...here, let me tell you how things work around here.
Palestinians = good. Israelis = bad.
Hurrah! That's one in the eye for George Bush's black-and-white view of the world!

 

by andydougan
10-22-02
...and the rest is history. John is now one of the Beeb's most respected journalists.
Er, I actually just wanted you to tell me when you last saw him. None of that was relevant.
Just as well, seeing as how I made it all up.

 

by andydougan
10-26-02
Mum?

 

by andydougan
10-26-02
Hey, where are we? This isn't my house.
Oh well, I might as well tell you. I'm a serial killer and I've abducted you. I'm going to dissolve your eyes in vitriol and then pour them back into your sockets.
Whatever for?
It's the only way I can get sexual satisfaction.
You mean prising open my ribcage and scooping out the contents of my thorax doesn't do it for you?
Nah. Not my scene.

 

by andydougan
10-26-02
What about making me eat lots of jam then sticking killer ants up my anus?
Not into it.
Stripping the skin from my torso and then rubbing at the flesh with steel wool until the bone is exposed?
Whatever.
Disembowelling me with a blunt pencil and then filling up the cavity with razor blades?
I can take it or leave it.

 

by andydougan
10-26-02
Say you were to stick an egg-whisk into...
That's enough. Get inside, you!
Fuck. I've forgotten what I *was* going to do now.

 

by andydougan
10-26-02
I think you were going to dissolve my eyes and pour them back in...?
Oh yeah, that's right. Thanks. Now, climb down into the pit, please.
Pit?
There's a ladder at your feet.
I can't use a ladder. I'm pregnant.
I wonder if the Moors Murderers ever had these problems...

 

by andydougan
10-26-02
So what is this place?
This is where I keep my victims until it's time to finish them off.
And how long is that likely to be? "How 2" is on in fifteen minutes.
I like to take my time. That goat thingy's been down there the best part of ten months.
Any chance of a portable TV, then? That Fred Dinenage got it goin' ON!
K...k...kill...me... now...

 

by andydougan
10-29-02
Here's my resumé. See what you think.
Under "Desired job title", you've written "employee".
That's what I want to be.
So who are you hoping will employ you?
A company.

 

by andydougan
10-29-02
Hey, do you know the boss at the company?
Yes! He's my boss, as a matter of fact.
The one who drives the car?
Yeah, with the wheels.
And what exactly are you going to do at the company?
Work.

 

by andydougan
10-29-02
So what are you looking to get paid?
Money.
Yeah, but how much?
A sum.
...More or less than 50k?
Yes.

 

by andydougan
10-29-02
Officer! I got a good look at the bank robbers. I know who they are.
Who?
Bank robbers.
When do I get my reward?
At some point in time.

 

by andydougan
10-29-02
dialogue
dialogue
narration
dialogue
dialogue

 

by andydougan
10-29-02
Those were the best strips I've ever made. I'm going to print them out and tattoo them onto my chest.
Do what you like. It's of no concern to me.
How much do you think it would cost to get my DNA matrix reconfigured to resemble those strips?
Can you stop following me?

 

by andydougan
10-31-02
Russell Crowe costs the fund for victims of the Bali bomb $$$! Jennie Bond is on the scene!
I think I can do more good by making great films for the victims to go and see. I've got a new one coming out called "Master and Commander". I play a muscly guy.
Please help.
Ugh! Security!

 

by andydougan
10-31-02
I don't have time for some exploded sissies. If they were hard like me, they would've blown the terrorists up themselves. I like to think of myself as a man's man.
Mr Crowe, your hairdresser has arrived from the other side of the planet to frost your tips.
Well, tell him to fucking wait! Can't you see I'm doing an interview here? I mean GOD!
You'll cut that bit out, right?

 

by andydougan
10-31-02
So what have you got to say about the rumours that you've knocked some ho up and you're now paying to get her an abortion?
Sheer defamation. Any child of mine would be well looked-after and would never want for anything.
That's funny...why did I suddenly shudder like that?

 

by andydougan
11-05-02
I think we should make a television appeal for John Pienaar to get in touch with us.
Don't you think he'd already have done that if he was able to?
Almost certainly. But it's less work for me this way.
Sounds good! Hey, why don't we reconstruct his last moments? That works every single time on "Crimewatch"!
Really?
Nah.

 

by andydougan
11-05-02
Now, who are we going to get to play John Pienaar in our reconstruction?
Well, it'd have to be someone about the same height and colouring, who's well acquainted with his mannerisms...
I guess this is what I get for switching bodies with him...
Shut up and attach the moustache.

 

by andydougan
11-05-02
Er...Greg Dyke, BBC director-general?
The very same. Are you Andrew "Andy" Dougan, film critic extraordinaire?
At your service.
We're filming a reconstruction of the last known moments of John Pienaar, political journalist. We believe you figured in them.
Wow! You want me to be on TV?
No, we want you to tell Russell Crowe what happened, so he can play you.

 

by andydougan
11-05-02
You're getting Russell Crowe to impersonate me in this reconstruction? Why can't I play myself?
No offence or anything, but ratings tend to be inversely proportional to the number of hideously ugly people in a show.
Well, that doesn't seem to apply with "Eastenders"! Anyway, Russell Crowe?! He looks like an unshaven down-and-out!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, you'll help us out with the script?
I'm loathe to be involved in a production featuring that whoremonger.
Speaking of which, is your mother home? I could do with a quick one.

 

by andydougan
11-05-02
I mean, my in-growing toenail can act better than him!
Look, maybe if you stopped hiding your feelings and just asked him out, he'd say yes!
You...you think?
Ha ha. Like hell.

Showing page 11.

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