All comics by ObiJo

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by ObiJo
11-07-01
o/` He fought all the way Johnny Reb, Johnny Reb. He fought all the way, Johnny Reb. o/`
I hate that guy.

 

by ObiJo
11-07-01
Sure, patriotism and a sense of duty figure into it, but every soldier really has a personal reason for fighting.
Homosexuality!
Heterosexuality!
Paper!
Plastic!
Toilet seat up!
Capitalis...sorry, I must have taken a wrong turn at feminism.

 

by ObiJo
11-07-01
Hey, Ken. How the wife and kids.
Not bad, thanks. Lisa just had her seventh birthday.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
You can say that again.
You ran me through!
Quotas, Bob, quotas. If it's any consolation, I feel like a real dick about it.

 

by ObiJo
11-07-01
For years after, people would remind Ben of the day he sneezed funny and thought he was a squirrel.
Squirrel!

 

by ObiJo
11-07-01

 

by ObiJo
11-07-01
This town ain't big enough for the both of us, Red.
Then I reckon you better leave fore'n you get hurt.
Draw!
Poor bastard.

 

by ObiJo
11-07-01
It's hard for a girl like me to find a nice guy. I went out with an octopus last week, but he was all hands.
That's the thing about the sea, if it ain't one thing, it's an otter.
Seems like all the nice guys always get hooked by someone else. Guess it's time for me to master bait.

 

by ObiJo
11-08-01
Report, Sergeant!
Sir, everything is destroyed, sir!
Everything? But what of our superior fire power?
Sir, everything but the cannon shot out little novelty flags saying, "Ready, Aim, Retreat", sir!
Then what of strength in numbers? I told the General I wanted everything but the kitchen help on that battlefield. Did he follow my orders?
Sir, no, sir! We had sauciers flanking left, pastry chefs flanking right, and Jorge, our well-intentioned but extremely dead busboy charging head on! Got hit with everything but the kitchen sink, sir!

 

by ObiJo
11-13-01
wirthling's comic
Why'd the chicken cross the road? Hell if I know. But he picked the wrong day for it with Laura "Crash" Bush and her Bronco of Death stalking the crosswalks.
ObiJo's tag team complement
Hardy Har ARGH. That's so funny I bit through my lower lip. Thanks a lot, PARTNER. I think the treehugging hippies behind me liked it too, 'cause they put down their fetus yoyos just to clap.
Can you believe those two?
Fucking zealots.

 

by ObiJo
11-15-01
So it's your birthday, huh? What's your DOB?
I'd rather not say.
Credit card number?
That's personal.
Bullet?
8965-4328-3222-4567

 

by ObiJo
11-15-01
Brad, your mother sent me in here to talk to you about the birds and the bees.
I'm 25, dad.
I know, but she has this crazy notion that since you still live at home and wear your Pooh Bear slippers, you're somehow too immature for an adult relationship.
That's just silly.
To tell you the truth, I tend to agree with her.
It's just you and me now, Pooh.

 

by ObiJo
11-16-01
I can't sweep, dada. Tell me a stowee.
One story, but then it's off to bed with you, missy.
...so there I am with Ben's guts oozing all over my army-issue boots, and all I can think is how great that first kill felt. I was alive for the very first time. THE END.
Later...
Dada, my nightwight went out! Gooks in da wiya! Gooks in da wiya!

 

by ObiJo
11-16-01
Wee, wee, MOTHERFUCKING wee.

 

by ObiJo
11-16-01
ZZZZZZZ

 

by ObiJo
11-16-01

 

by ObiJo
11-18-01
Is it true what they say about black men?
No. We bowl just fine.
I meant that you're all hung likes horses.
Well, a picture's worth a thousand words, so let me just lay down right here and...
Jesus Christ!
We only have a couple of minutes before I black out, so if you want to grab the ladder behind the shed, you'd better hurry.

 

by ObiJo
11-18-01
They say a sheep's vagina feels exactly like a woman's.
Who does?
Hey, Rog. You hear about the outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease? Every sheep within a hundred miles is dead.
MOTHERFUCKER!!!
What's wrong?
Nothing.

 

by ObiJo
11-18-01
I wonder when I'm gonna get to see a woman naked again? It's been so long.
Hmm, that's a tough one.
I'm gonna go with NEVER.
You're quite the prognosticator, Russ.
Thanks, but it was just a pretend guess to make you feel bad.

 

by ObiJo
11-18-01
Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
Should have checked that seam.

 

by ObiJo
11-18-01
It takes a special breed of cop to work these streets.
If it ain't a cross-dressing wolf, it's a crazy one-shoed pumpkin-carrying bitch running down the highway, or Peter Piper publicly playing with his pecker.
I swear, if I didn't have a wife and kids who depend on me for the shoe payment, I'd probably end it all now.
Attention all units. Robbery in progress at Miss Muffet's Tuffet. CAUTION: suspect is considered eight-armed and dangerous.

 

by ObiJo
11-18-01
Look at my cool decoder ring, ma! You can turn any message into a code! Here, try it!
Sweety, sit down. There's something we need to talk about.
C'mon, try it once first. Pleeeeze?
9 3 1 14 20 2 5 12 9 5 22 5 25 15 21 20 15 15 11 20 8 5 20 9 13 5 20 15 20 18 1 14 19 12 1 20 5 20 8 9 19 9 19 1 12 21 20 5 25 15 21 12 15 22 5 15 2 9
Wow, that's a good one! What'd you say?!
"Your father just called. He's leaving us and moving in with his secretary. It's all your fault."

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I told her to hit snooze.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
Anyone know where I can rent me a shovel?

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
That's when my clocked switched over to gay night-cravings time.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
And I thought that was just her bad eye.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I told her she wasn't ready for motherhood.
Now I'm grounded.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I said I thought it had stopped.
Bad move.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I'm hoping she's just gassy.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I find that hard to believe.
She's only eight.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I hope it's water-proof.
I'd hate to take that Slip 'N Slide back.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I told her to wipe my ass and call me cute-ums.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I started calling her "momma", but she eventually got tired of that.
So now I only do it during sex.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
Let's see, I have to pick up the kids, take the turkey out of the oven, get the turkey to Meals on Wheels by 7, then help Joe paint his living room.
With a little hustle, I should just make it.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
So, you been surfing 'stroids long?
Long enough to know they don't have an atmosphere, so fire can't burn.
Since you were kind enough to point that out, let me return the favor by commenting on their negligible gravity field.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
Mission Control, I am approaching the M-class planet now. Touchdown imminent.
Roger that, Robert. All of earth prays for you on this historic day.
Opening capsule doors.
And with those doors open a new epoch. One in which mankind is no longer alone in the universe. Go for first contact!
Where's my planned escort? No matter. I'll grab a seat and wait.
Greetings, human!

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
So you are a member of the Therawoodseet species?
Indeed, human. I am Ambassador Ikea. Follow me, please.
Hey, hey, hey! I can't run that fast!
Damn thing's like a deer.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
Where the hell did he go? Maybe into that house.
Knock Knock Knock.
What can I do ya fer...MONSTER!
No, you see I'm from another pla
SLAM!
Get my gun, Martha! I'm fixin' to shoot me a monster!
That could have gone better.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
What in de hell you got on yer head there, Louie?
Some stupid hat Susan's making me wear. Says it makes me look taller.
Yer so knot-whipped. Don't matter, tho. Let's go get the boys! There's some monster roamin' 'round and we're gonna do something bout it!
Do we have to? I wanted to practice my juggling.
Do it fer Susan, Louie. You don't want no monster to get her, do ya?
Depends on the product life of this hat.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
Who's knot is it?!
It's your knot, Ikea! Give it to me hard!
You like that, Martha?!
OH GOD, YES!
Thanks, sweety, you were great. I better go, though, before your husband gets back from catching that human. Which shouldn't be long. That was one slow biped.
If I hadn't orgasmed, I'd almost feel sorry for the little guy.

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
Shit, there's like twelve of them coming! They're just too fast!
Hello, human.
Listen, you GOTTA believe me. I'm NOT a monster.
I know that. You're just incredibly ugly. It's me, Ikea. If you want to live, climb on and don't say a word.
Look out, 'Kea! There's a monster on ya!
You DARE mock Ambassador Ikea's ceremonial scarf?!

 

by ObiJo
11-19-01
That was close!
Closer than you think. I almost decided to go tantric.
What?
Nothing, nothing. Look, we're pretty close to the castle, so just hold on and I'll take you there.
________________________Therawoodseet_Castle________________________
This is where our paths part, human. King Roy Loak awaits your arrival inside.
Thanks, Ikea. I appreciate both your help and lumbar support.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-01
King Roy Loak?
Yes, Robert, come in. I've been expect *COUGH COUGH* I've been expecting you. *COUGH COUGH COUGH*
Are you okay, Your Majesty?
No, Robert. *COUGH COUGH* I'm afraid I'm not. I'm on my last leg.
Is there anything I can do?
Commit your species to peace with mine, as I now commit my species *COUGH COUGH* to peace with yours. Oh, and one more thing you can do to help an old Therawoodseet feel young again.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-01
Knock Knock Knock.
What can I do ya fer...YOU AGAIN?! Get my gun, Martha!
Catch me if you can, footstool!
*COUGH COUGH COUGH* Who's knot is it?!
Yours, Your Majesty, yours! Don't stop till I'm royally fucked!
I'm gonna miss that planet.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
Ha, ha!
It's a horse, Joe.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
Looks like we'll soon have another 100,000 mouths to feed.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I told her that's not what I do.

 

by ObiJo
11-20-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I bought a shirt.

 

by ObiJo
11-21-01
Holy Shit!
Yes, it is me. Henry Housefire.
Can't you spare the living room? I know for a fact there's stacks of newspapers and gallons of gasoline in the garage.
Picture tubes are the caviar of the flammible community.
Holy Shit!
You've been sold out, my tasty friend.

 

by ObiJo
11-22-01
Let's do this.
You got it.
Goddamn, son!
*SLURP*
I take it you're not Mr. Jeffries and you're not looking to buy a bottle of '53 Dom.
It's your scratch, Jack. I'll be Clint Eastwood in a tutu if you want.

Showing page 12.

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