All comics by boloboffin

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by boloboffin
11-16-08
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
So that's what the fuck we're talking about.

 

by boloboffin
11-18-08
To what do I owe this honor, my gracious Master?
Well, I noticed you were down in the dumps today and I wanted to set you straight about something.
But, Jesus, I'm already straight. We took care of that in the therapy sessions.
Riiiiight.
Now I'm 100% heterosexual, because the power of your blood has washed all my SSAD away.
OK, let's start a little further back...

 

by boloboffin
11-19-08
You've got something wrong about me. Who you decide to love is just fine by me.
It is?
Yes, Ray-Ray. I came down here to encourage love -- true love, two people looking at each other, flaws and all, and helping each other through life.
Wow. That's a pretty awesome thing to say, Mr. Savior!
Yeah, well, I've had a few thousand years to think about it.

 

by boloboffin
11-20-08
So you're saying that I should follow my heart and you're cool with that?
Absolutely. Let no man condemn you for the things you approve of.
So go get 'em, Tiger.
OH, BOY! Nurse Hearse is going to be so happy!
That kid's pride flag is missing a couple of colors.
Yeah...

 

by boloboffin
11-21-08
So at least YOU are going to let me out of this place.
No, sorry, big guy. I have to resort to Plan B now and you have to stay.
But...
Console yourself, canine. Pick up your cross and follow Me.
How can I follow you when you're locking the door behind you?!
*click*

 

by boloboffin
11-22-08
Excuse me, Mr. Officer Person. Could you help me find my fiancee's house?
Sure, what's the address?
I don't have one. We just got engaged yesterday and I forgot to ask.
IT WAS A HONEST MISTAKE!

 

by boloboffin
11-23-08
GET THE FUCK OUTA MY BASEMENT! WHO SAID YOU COULD...
Stanley, relax. It's me, Thorn... Cody.
Thorn? What happened?
Well, I went home and took a long shower. Then I just didn't have the energy to redye my hair and put on my makeup.
Too emo for emo, huh? So what happened to your goth clothes?
Mom burned them while I was in the shower.

 

by boloboffin
11-26-08
I think I met someone who I could love the rest of my life, and he's a fucking idiot.
Heh. I'm in love with someone who has no idea that I care and probably no inclination to figure it out.
I'm in love with someone who can't figure out exactly what he wants even though everyone around him knows in a second.
I'm love with someone who'd rather love an square asshole who thinks Jesus cured him of being gay.
I'm in love with someone who expresses himself by quoting the Doobie Brothers.
OK, you win. Jeez, you suck at love.

 

by boloboffin
11-26-08
"This cookbook is written for consenting diners of semen. Please do not add semen to your guests' food without informing them beforehand."
"Some semen cooks enjoy ejaculating directly into the sauce pan or mixing bowl."
"Also, the frozen semen can be mixed with syrup and shaved ice to make yummy ice cones."
"In fact, Dr. Atkins would probably have praised semen as an ideal food had it not been considered a faux pas."
"Fructose, sorbitol, inositol, glutathione, deoxyribonucleic acid, creatine, phosphorus, zinc, magnesium, calcium..."
"...making sure the semen producer is properly hydrated is the key to both high volume and consistent texture."

 

by boloboffin
12-10-08
test
test
test
test
test
That's what I thought.

 

by boloboffin
12-13-08
And what's this room?
This is the navigation room, where we steer the spaceship.
Cool. And what's this room?
This is the blue room, where we conduct the anal probes.
Did we have to leave the blue room so quickly?

 

by boloboffin
12-17-08
I just need to get into his face. "Melvin, I'm sick of your lackadaisical bullshit. Shape up or ship out!"
"Yes, I'm talking to YOU!"
I am a god.

 

by boloboffin
12-25-08
Maybe we should consider a union...
NEVER!!!

 

Back off, dude. I need my space!
by boloboffin, 12-28-08

 

by boloboffin
1-06-09
Do you think your mother would be offended if I email her the children's sizes?
I'm telling you, the INTERNET KNOWS ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

 

by boloboffin
1-06-09
For the new year, I pledge to wear panties every day.
So no more commando?

 

by boloboffin
1-15-09
So my master started watching "The Dog Whisperer."
Oh, gee. How's that going?
We spend hours and hours trying to achieve "calm submissive."
You could learn a little something from us cats.
Are you kidding me? You're the least submissive animals I know.
Yeah, but if you can learn to fake it, they leave you alone.

 

by boloboffin
1-19-09
HBO has purchased all rights to Obama's inauguration, and is busy protecting its copyright on the Internet.
The Obama transition has also announced plans to sell other iconic American sites and historical moments for naming rights.
Welcome to the Mentholated KOOL Brand White House!
The American Civil War, brought to you by ShamWow!

 

by boloboffin
1-28-09
Look, it's my day off...
But you don't understand! Obama's close to solving the Middle East...
I'LL HANDLE IT TOMORROW -- OUT!!!!
SLAM
*click* And now back to Meerkat Manor on Animal Planet!
*sigh* I miss Flower.

 

by boloboffin
2-05-09
So you're my new assistant? Great, let's go over your duties.
I'd appreciate that, Mr. Lemon.
All right, so you'll be keeping the supplies in order, writing my letters, trimming my hairy scrotum, getting me coffee...
Hang on. Did you just say "trim your hairy scrotum"?
Well, yes. Is there a problem with that?
Oh, no, I was just wondering if you used a #1 guard on the clippers or if you preferred the closeness of a straight razor.

 

by boloboffin
2-05-09
Oh, nothing can beat warm lather and the icy tingle of the razor on your genitals.
Say no more. I agree 100%. And how do you like your coffee?
Black, two sugars. You know most assistants I've had balk at the scrotum shave.
Oh, not me, sir. Whatever helps you relax and keep this company on the move will be my greatest pleasure to provide.
And how much do you owe on your student loans?
$372,000, and I couldn't be happier to be here.

 

by boloboffin
2-10-09
An discarded birdcage just sitting here on the sidewalk. I should take it home.
I could get a bird. Her name would be Jessica and she would sing to me all day.
Or I could just jam it up my ass and jerk off to Maury Povich.

 

by boloboffin
2-10-09
Who wants to admire my report card?
Who wants to tell me where my bastard family moved this time?

 

by boloboffin
2-14-09
What is love? Is it that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see a pretty face?
Or is it a lifetime of respect and devotion? Is it the flip side of hate, the thing that makes the world go around?
Or maybe love is the present experience of the promise of the future supported by the achievements of the past.
If you loved me, you'd shut up.

 

by boloboffin
2-25-09
Wasn't that a great speech Obama gave last night?
Actually, I'm quite disappointed that it was all gloss and no real details.
But if he'd done that, you would have complained it was boring and wonkish.
But I prefer that he do that. Then it's easier to appear cooler than him.
You realize I'm going to have to rape you for seven hours just to be able to deal with your company.
Hey, the economy doesn't give a reach-around.

 

by boloboffin
2-26-09
Columbus could've saved himself a trip if he'd just bought a globe.
We could've have saved ourselves a lifetime of grief if we'd just aborted you like I wanted.
Bitch, you will not make me cry.
You will not... make... m-me cry...

 

by boloboffin
3-02-09
nom nom nom
Oh, yeah, that's great, keep doing that.
What?
Nothing, I made it look like you were sucking my dick.
You sick fuck. Everybody knows you suck my dick.
i'm sorry

 

by boloboffin
3-07-09
Bad
What did you get for question 12?
There was a question 12?
Worse
What did you get for question 12?
Herpes.

 

by boloboffin
3-23-09
Jesus so ugly, he had to tie 30 pieces of silver around his neck to get Judas to betray him.
The water wouldn't let him fall in.
He didn't have to cast out demons. They were just faster than everybody else.

 

by boloboffin
4-08-09
Let's say the farmer shows you three doors. One's got hay behind it. You choose one.
Rock.
He then opens one of the other doors, showing no hay. He then gives you the chance to switch doors. What should you do?
Can I stick the chicken up my ass?
There isn't a chicken in this problem.
No, I'm asking you: Can I stick the chicken up my ass?

 

by boloboffin
4-12-09
Has never submitted a tax return.
They told me that was a feature.
Likes to hang around with terriers.
You stole that line. Besides, I was young, dumb, and full of vigor.
Illegal Portugeuse immigrant.
Oh, well. At least I got lei'd before they threw me out.

 

Doc, every time I imagine a perfect being, it springs into existence!
Stop imagining perfect beings.
by boloboffin, 4-15-09

 

by boloboffin
4-26-09
Dude, my friend has hooked up with this Jesus freak and it's seriously cramping his style. Is there any way to save my friend from Jesus?
You are not trying to save your friend from Jesus.
No, man, it's awful. She won't let him smoke weed, she preaches at him, and she reads her Bible out loud whenever I come over. I've got to save my friend from Jesus.
You are not trying to save your friend from Jesus. You are trying to save your friend from pussy.
I am?
Yes, and it sounds like the most righteous God pussy ever if he puts up with it like that. Stop being jealous of your friend's pussy.

 

by boloboffin
4-29-09
Unfortunately, the valedictorian could not be here. He did leave a note to read.
"Dear Bitches -- What happens when you mix a room full of assholes and 200,000 pounds of C-4? Three, two, one..."

 

by boloboffin
5-03-09
So Tammy broke up with Bobby because he was cheating on her in Second Life.
He was actually screwing some chick he met on Second Life?
No. They were screwing in Second Life.
How can you screw in Second Life? Doesn't that require, like, two people to be physically present?
No, Second Life has pose balls where your avatars can screw each other online.
People do that??

 

by boloboffin
5-03-09
Yes, people screw each other all the time on Second Life.
But they aren't physically screwing.
No. You build a computer person in Second Life and then your avatar and someone else's avatar can simulate screwing online.
And that's what Tammy broke up with Bobby over. Bobby's avatar was screwing some chick's avatar in Second Life.
Right. Well, Bobby was making his avatar screw the chick's avatar.
How did he even know it was a chick?

 

by boloboffin
5-03-09
Well, now that you mention it, it could have been a guy whose avatar Bobby's avatar was screwing.
Online in Second Life.
I guess that makes Bobby gay.
Bobby's not gay! He screwed Tammy. He said he liked it. And this avatar his avatar was screwing, it must have looked like a chick, didn't it?
Well, I guess that makes Bobby bisexual.
Or fucking sloppy.

 

by boloboffin
5-03-09
Tammy, Bobby's avatar was cheating on you with an avatar that looked like a chick, wasn't he?
Yeah. Some chick with impossibly large boobs.
But how do you know that it was actually a chick and not some guy with a chick avatar?
EWWWWWW!!!!
Now Tammy thinks she's got AIDS.
In real life or Second Life?

 

Hello, I am totally new and almost convinced about the official theory but I had a few questions about WTC 7...
uhhhh...
by boloboffin, 5-04-09

 

by boloboffin
5-04-09
There better still be 17 jellybeans in my basket when I get back!!!!
*lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick*
heheheheh
Look, here are your 17 jellybeans. You can start eating them now. *snort*
Ew, gross, I'm not going to eat them. Before I put them in the basket, I stuck them up my ass.

 

I don't want to be a sheep.
You and everybody else.
by boloboffin, 5-05-09

 

by boloboffin
5-25-09
God, I hate mowing my fucking lawn.
You should grow pot on it!
Then if the pigs bother you, just tell them:
Hey, pigs, fuck off!

 

by boloboffin
5-28-09
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Authority.
You're supposed to say, "Authority who?"
Let me get these drugs flushed first and I will.

 

Hummussss...
by boloboffin, 6-01-09

 

by boloboffin
6-03-09
I need to get a longer cord for my dildo. It doesn't reach quite as far as I'd like it to.
Your dildo isn't battery-operated?
No, the ones that use batteries are convenient, but as much as I run my dildo...
That's true. Every time I come over, you're jamming that dildo into every crevice you can reach.
I can't help it! The attachments that came with this dildo are such a joy to use!
Well, be careful. If your shag gets accustomed to that wide rotating brush, you'll never be satisified with anything smaller again.

 

by boloboffin
6-15-09
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
This class is well above average!

 

by boloboffin
6-15-09
A can of Spam is opened every four seconds.
How would you even know that?
Oh, wait, it's not Spam. It's whoopass.
And it's about time for you to open one up on me, right?
Three more seconds.
I'll get in the sling.

 

by boloboffin
6-28-09
Crap, I knew turning 13 was a bad career move.

 

by boloboffin
8-21-09
Excuse me, could...
Yeah?
Oh, wow! I'm sorry, it's just... well, I better find out whether you're legal or not before I say anything else.
Ha! Don't worry, I'm 22.
Never mind...

 

by boloboffin
8-22-09
Why do people keep talking about sparkling vampires?
Oh, yeah, it's from Twilight. When the sun hits vampires in Twilight, their skin sparkles rainbows instead of burning up.
You are fucking kidding me.

Showing page 12.

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