All comics by biped

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by biped
8-25-04
Quick -- take off your pants, and the dinosaurs won't eat you.
(Gulp!) Thanks, mister!
YAAAAAAAA!!!
RAAAAAAAR!!!
Hmm...I guess it wasn't the pants.
MUNCH!!! MUNCH!!! SLURP!!!

 

by biped
8-25-04
I notice you're not wearing any pants! Is this some form of protest?
Uh, yeah. I'm protesting... uh, you know, unfair stuff, and... blah, blah, blah.
It doesn't sound like you're protesting anything specific!
I'm... protesting... mmmnnn... Kathy Lee Gifford.
Do you think that not wearing any pants will have some detrimental effect on Kathy Lee Gifford?
Well, I like the way the breeze makes the fabric rustle against my penis.

 

by biped
8-25-04
So anyway, as I was saying before the break...
I just re-edited the first portion of the show so that you never began to tell that story. You are now talking about your incredible brand-new movie project.
Oh. Well, anyway, I've been --
Due to recent advances in my ability to obtain good guests for the show, you are now being replaced with a more state-of-the-art guest.
And that's why I'm not wearing any --
We'll be right back after these messages. You don't want to turn the channel... those aren't the programs you're looking for... stay tuned...stay tuned...

 

by biped
8-25-04
BLEEDLE-DEE-BLAH!!! DOTE-DEE-DOTE-DEE-DOE!!! HYECK HYECKITY HOO HAH!!!
Oh my GOD... I can't believe I hired this IDIOT to entertain at my daughter's birthday party...
BULL-FUCKING-SHIT, BEE-YOTCH!!! I'M SUPER-HA-HA-FUNNY DUDE!!! SO FUCKITY FUCK YOU!!! DOODLE-DEE-DOO!!!
Well, you're certainly not funny to ME! In fact, I find you incredibly ANNOYING!
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! HEY KIDS, YOUR MOM'S A FUCKING CUNT!!! HEE HEH-HEH HAH HAW!!! NOW EVERYBODY SING, "EAT SHIT, MOMMY!!!"
SHUT UP!!! KIDS, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!! HE'S A VERY BAD MAN!!!

 

by biped
8-26-04
Not even devout Christians are immune to a hapless addiction to videogames...
Tempt...TEMPT...
Resist...RESIST...
Ha-HA! CRUCIFIXION! OWNED!
Pass cup from lips...PASS CUP FROM -- aaah, crap! Dialogue with God terminated!
Heh! His ass is -- FUCK! RESURRECTION!
Ascend-- ASCEND-- YESSS!!! SCOOOOORE!!!

 

by biped
8-26-04
We're the "Two Goo-Goos and One Ying-Yang" Club. I'm one of the Goo-Goos.
I'm the one Ying-Yang!
And I'm the other Goo-Goo.
We're the "Two Ying-Yangs and One Goo-Goo" Club! We hate the other club because they have two Goo-Goos!
We go to war with them at sunrise. The field of battle will be stained crimson and drenched with their flowing blood.
And then we're gonna skin 'em alive and make Halloween costumes!

 

by biped
8-27-04
I, uh...notice you're not wearing any pants today. Any particular reason?
Well, sir...I like to masturbate while I'm at my desk... and not wearing pants increases my immediate access to my... err..."wiener."
I see. And...do you masturbate at your desk often?
At least once a day, sir... sometimes up to five times per day, if I'm really, really...you know..."horny."
Ah. Well, clean out your desk. You're fired.
Is it because of the frequent masturbating? Or are you still mad that I lost the Bickerson account?

 

by biped
8-27-04
There's the stiff, er, victim, sir...dead as a bag full of rocks.
And you say there are no signs of violence on the body?
Not a scratch. But judging from his expression, something unbearably horrible must've happened.
Damn...what could've been bad enough to make him drop dead like that?

 

by biped
8-30-04
PUDDING SNACK!!! PUDDNG SNACK!!! PUDDING SNACK!!!
SHAVING CREAM!!! SHAVING CREAM!!! SHAVING CREAM!!!
Ha-ha, hold on, boys! You're BOTH right! It's a pudding snack...AND it's shaving cream! Right, dear?
Well, actually... no, Edna. I'm afraid the boys simply discovered my secret ten-year jizz collection.

 

by biped
9-02-04
Treaty Time, Beany! Are you hungry for your yummy treaties?
Meow, meow! Meow, meow!
Would you like chicken, turkey or seafood today? Or maybe even yummy "gourmet" fla--
THE BORG ARE COMING. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
Wha -- huh?
Meow, meow! Meow, meow!

 

by biped
9-02-04
Boo-yah ka-sha! Big up yo' self. Today we is gonna be talkin' bout "respeck", yo.
Black Widow's tight black costume is so fucking sexy. And it really shows off her big tits.
CHECK IT -- DA BORG GEEZAS IS COMIN'. YOU IS LIKE GONNA BE RIGHT ASS-STIMULATED, INNIT. NO DOUBT.
Man, I'd sure like to -- HUH?
Wot? "Miss" Reno? But -- you's a geeza, right? No, seriously --
First kitty, and now TV. I'm starting to get A-SCARED!

 

by biped
9-02-04
Oh, it's you, Mr. Hooper. What's up?
I'm all packed up and getting the fuck out, that's what's up. You know, what with the Borg coming and all. Wanna catch a ride?
What -- what's going on?
Wait...you're an alien too, right?
No, I'm just a regular human being.
Shit...you live next to a guy for ten years...

 

by biped
9-02-04
Well, I'm outta here. You comin'?
I guess so. I don't want to get ass-stimulated.
OH NO! THEY'RE ALREADY HERE! AND THEY'VE ASSIMILATED MY SPACESHIP!
Should I go back and get my car?
Well dude, we're cooked. Get ready to be turned into a hideous space monster led by an evil hive mind.
Will there be a pee-pee test?

 

by biped
9-02-04
WE ARE BORG. PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED.
Okay...hey, do you have one of those cool uniforms in a XXXL?
WELL...uh, we may have to let one out a bit -- BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE -- THE BORG ARE CAPABLE OF THIS! WE ARE --
Boy, those are tight. I'll bet the Borg chicks look fuckin' hot in those. Does it ever distract you?
Well, yeah, I -- SHUT UP! WE ARE BORG! WE ARE NEVER DISTRACTED! YOU WILL BE --
If you get a boner, is it, like, a "hive boner"?

 

by biped
9-02-04
COME WITH ME TO BE TRANSFORMED INTO A BORG DRONE.
Wow, Jessica Simpson! You've already been assimilated, huh?
WE ARE NO LONGER JESSICA SIMPSON. AND WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT "ASMILULIMATED" MEANS --
I never thought I'd ever get to see you "in person!" Especially in such a way sexy outfit!
YOU WILL -- oh, giggle! Thanks! I think it really shows off my -- SHUT UP! FOLLOW ME!
All-right a-rooty! I'm-a see dat "walkin' away" booty!

 

by biped
9-02-04
YOU ARE BEING ASSIMILATED. YOUR MIND IS JOINING THE HIVE MIND.
I AM BEING ASSIMILATED. MY MIND IS JOINING THE HIVE MIND.
YOU ARE BECOMING -- YOU ARE -- UNNNGGGHHH! BEER! BIG TITS!
YES. WE ARE BORG. WE LOVE BEER. WE LOVE BIG TITS.
WE ARE GETTING A BONER! WE MUST BE MASTURBATED!
WE WILL GO GET THE STROKE MAGAZINES AND THE TISSUES!

 

by biped
9-02-04
BEER! SPIKE TV! BONER! MASTURBATE! BIG TITS! UNNNGGGHHH!
BORG MUST CHECK OURSELVES BEFO' WE WRECK OURSELVES, YO!
THIS SPECIMEN IS UNFIT! FLY AWAY! FLY AWAY!
Well, heck. I never even got to wear one of those cool uniforms.
Oh, well... Treaty Time, Beany?
UNNNNGGGHHHH!

 

by biped
9-02-04
I think you're just what I'm looking for.
Well, fuck.

 

by biped
9-02-04
No, Brad... no... not that ... I don't think it was designed for that... it's...not going to fit...
???
Ow... ow... not so hard... stop trying to force it... DON'T RAM IT LIKE THAT... OW... OW...
!!!!!
No... no... I'm not a size 5... I really think we should try a size 6... with a wider instep...
zzzzzzzzzz

 

by biped
9-02-04
Come on, honey! There's a Sean Connery movie comin' on -- you'll love it!
No, Mommy! NO!!!!!
"Careful wot you shoot at, Ryan -- some things in HEE-YAH don't react well to BOOLETS!"
WAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAA!!!
Well? How'd ya like it, sweetie?
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, MOMMY!!! I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS!!!

 

by biped
9-02-04
Admiral Kirk -- Charles...is dead.
You Klingon BASTARD!!! You killed CHARLES!!!
Dad, that icky Cory Haim asked me to marry him again.
Computer, execute self-destruct sequence.

 

by biped
9-04-04
Hawpy buhthday, sonny! I've bawght you a state to play with! Jolly good, eh wot? Harrumph!
Oh, crikey! I'll name it Rhode Island, awfter our summah romping grounds in the Spiffingtons!
And I'll name the capital awftah you, Fuck Face! And I'll name all the otha citehs awftah all my playfriends! It'll be smashing!
Oh, splendid! "Hee haw", "woof woof" and all that tommyrot, egad! Look, me '37 Bentley, vroom-vroom!
And so he did, naming his lovely new play-cities after his friends Fuck Face (later "Providence"), Ellsworth Barrington, Sarah Coventry, Lamont Cranston, Pip "Fizzy" Glocester, and Dickie Bristol.
Oh, bother! I seem to have been summarily imprisoned!
I understand we're to be executed at dawn! Well, cheerio!

 

by biped
9-04-04
So, what'd you say then, Mr. Jizzle-Jaws? What'd you say then?
If you tell me, I'll let you blow me a hundred times.
So I saids, 'Wrecked 'em? I damn nearly killed 'em!'

 

by biped
9-04-04
Da boss shows da new wiseguy aroun'...
Ovah dere, dat's Johnny UFOs.
Gee boss, why da dey call 'im Johnny UFOs?
Cuz he tinks he seen a UFO once. An' ovah dere, dat's Frankie Pterodactyls.
Gee boss, why da dey call 'im Frankie Pterodactyls?
Cuz he read an article about pterodactyls in da newspaper once.
Wow! Gee boss, can I be Tony Big, Sloppy, Reasonably-Priced Blowjobs?

 

by biped
9-10-04
See? I told you I'd pull my pants down if you didn't knock 15% off the price of those McNuggets.
And if you don't throw in a free fried pie, I assure you the shorts are next.
Good. I was wondering what your penis and testicles looked like.

 

by biped
9-11-04
And now, meet the cast of zany characters you're going to get to know VERY well in future episodes, as I tell you a little bit about... "MY SO-CALLED EVERYDAY LIFE"!
This is my snarky neighbor, Dave. He'll often pop in unexpectedly and make brutally honest observations about me!
Putting on weight? Or did all of your clothes suddenly "shrink" again?
Now meet my kooky co-worker, Debbie! She has the hots for me and stalks me mercilessly! Man, what a handful of heartaches SHE's going to be!
Ooh! Ooh! You ogled me! SEXUAL HARASSMENT! Why didn't you return my calls last night, you bastard?
And this dapper, yet somewhat "sexually ambiguous" fellow is -- umm -- ahh, fuck it. You're never going to see any of these lame-ass fucking characters again.
I -- huh?

 

by biped
9-11-04
-- THE!!! --
Feed...dog.
-- THEY!!! --
Whack...off.
-- AND!!! --
Call...Mom.

 

by biped
9-11-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
...I'm yer twin sister.

 

by biped
9-11-04
Ah! If it isn't the loquacious Zelda! Still playing that ever-present xylophone for the Salvation Army, I trust?
Nope! I traded it in for a shovel, and now I rob graves!
Mmm...I'll masturbate furiously to that notion a bit later, no doubt. Unearth any action tonight, my parsimonious little turtledove?
FUCK chuh! Just dug up a rich, freshly-planted old bastard...and then stripped, skinned, gutted, and fucked him! In that order!
Delightful...and if I'm not mistaken, I detect the aroma of "old dead bastard" slowly roasting over an open fire. Am I invited for the victuals, my dear?
Invited? Hell, I'm counting on your horny fucking ass to jack off some of your patented "special sauce" for extra flavor! Oh, and if Mom should ask -- we were at the library tonight.

 

by biped
9-12-04
Well, Hitler, once again you've given us the absolute crappiest oral report of the entire school year.
Aw, geez...
All this endless nonsense about Aryan superiority, and "destiny" this, and "Mein Kampf" that --
GRRRRRR! SOMEDAY I'LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD, AND YOU'LL BE SORRY!
That's quite enough, young man! You just earned a week's detention in "concentration class."
SOMEDAY I'LL SEND YOU TO CONCENTRATION CLASS, YOU OLD -- ulp! Your shrewish dominance made me h-horny...

 

by biped
9-12-04
Hi, Hitler! Would you like to play tag, or dollies, or --
This is MY playground! Mine! MINE!!!
Whatever you say! I'll go away if you want...
YOU'D BETTER, YOU -- ulp! Your simpering submissiveness has set my ball aflame with desire!
It did? What should I do?
Oh, just keep looking at me all simpery-like, and... unnh... unnnnhhh... UNNNNGGGGHH!!! W-would you like to be my girlfriend, Eva?

 

by biped
9-12-04
All right, children. This is "concentration class", so you all must behave and study quietly, or --
NO!!! I will NOT behave and study quietly! I will lead a VIOLENT REVOLT against YOU and the REST of the STUPID FACULTY! GRRRRRRR!!!
Oh? Well in that case, maybe I'd better just get my paddle out and tear your little butt up right now. How would you like that, Mr. Big Boy Hitler?
OH YEAH? I'D --I'D-- ULP! I just gobbed in my pants...!
WHAT? Oh, you're DEFINITELY going to get a spanking for THIS, Hitler!
OH BOY -- uh -- er -- could you wait about ten or fifteen minutes?

 

by biped
9-12-04
Well? How was school today, Hitler?
SHUT UP, MOM!!!
GRRRRRRRRR!!! Stupid mom! Making me stand here in this dark room, all alone... like she was the big boss of me or something... umnn... err...
BAD HITLER... NAUGHTY HITLER... YOU MUST BE PUNISHED...
OH YEAH!!! DO IT, MOM, DO IT!!! SPANKEE-SPANKEE!!! OH MY GAAWWD -- UNNNGGGHHH!!!

 

by biped
9-14-04
I'm so horny, I swear I'm going to fucking muff-dive the first lesbian feminazi that comes through that door.
Thanks for helping out with the big "Men Are Scum" rally, Vera. Remember to "value your vagina."
I sure will! Well, I'm going to go home and contemplate my clitoris for about twelve hours. Bye, Peg!
Make love to me! Now!

 

by biped
9-15-04
Whoa, it's Captain Chip! What did you do this weekend? Anything of note?
I had relations. Um, sexual relations. With a chihuahua.
Dude -- you are OUT THERE! I've never even KISSED one! Much less FUCKED the bitch!
Well...I was lonely. My girlfriend was out of town. It just... well..."happened."
Hey, wait a minute! When did you get a girlfriend? I thought you were GAY!
I DID SOME MOVIES! I NEEDED THE DARN MONEY! I'M NOT -- OH, FUCK IT!

 

by biped
9-16-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
...every Christmas eve, ever since you were born, I've ass-raped your dog and wiped my dick on your breakfast.

 

by biped
9-17-04
Take off that fruity pirate git-up, ya bilge-swillin' landlubber! Ya look like a prancin' fairy!
I certainly will not, you rough, foul-smelling oaf. I happen to be going to a costume party.
ARRR!!! Get shed of that frilly kiddie costume right now, or I swear I'll lop off yer head 'n' feed it to me pet crocodile!
You come near me with that awful thing and I swear I'll report you to the police. And don't think I won't do it, either.
HAH! Told ya! Now let's see yer headless corpse go prancin' inta the police station blatherin' about the mean ol' pirate! THAT'D be a larf!

 

by biped
9-19-04
Captain Picard, sensors detect an unknown alien lifeform dead ahead...it's unlike anything we've encountered before.
Steady as she goes...we'll see if it wants to initiate peaceful contact with us. But ready shields...just in case.
Captain! It's beaming itself aboard! It seems to be materializing right here on the bridge!
Brace yourselves! There's no telling how weird and unusual this totally new lifeform may appear to us!
ARRR!!! Avast, ye scurvy Earth-lubbers! Ye've encroached into me sector and must be scuttled!
OMIGOD! Somebody must've let Gene Roddenberry write this week's script all by himself! ABANDON SHIP!

 

by biped
9-19-04
"I'm tha Rappin' Clown, and I'm here to say -- stayin' in school is tha ONLY way! Buszh-ka-ka buszh pum-pum-pum buszh..."
Oh man, how I'd love to kill that fucking asshole. "Rappin' Clown", my fucking ass.
YO! I heard that, homey, and I'm here to say -- Rappin' Clown's tha dopest dude EVAH day!
WHAT THE FUCK??!!! Consider your fucking ass officially RAPED, you silly-ass clown BASTARD!!! Now BEND OVER!!!
Man, I can't wait fo' de new Star Wars flick to come out, and -- whoa, it's Rappin' Clown! Bust a rhyme for me, muh-fukka!
I -- I feel funny inside... my guts are all loose... some guy just rammed his dick up my clowny caboose...

 

by biped
9-20-04
Oh...oh, yeah...(*thwap-thwap-thwap*) ...OH YEAH... OH... AH... EH... ARRRRGGG!!! Ahhhhhhhh...
Heh-heh... if only Mr. Baxter knew where the cream in his coffee comes from!
That does it! You're fired!

 

by biped
9-20-04
ARRRR!!! What'll ye be havin' today, matey? There be a sale on all the double-meat burgers today!
Well, well... the dreaded Cap'n Blueballs... working at Fatty Fatburgers.
AVAST, YE SCURVY -- look, I needs the money. Piratin' was gettin' a bit slow, and --
Did I give you permission to speak? Just shut up and take my fucking order, fuckface.
WHY, I'LL LOP YER HEAD OFF FER THAT, YE BILGE-SWILLIN' -- oh fudge, another one. Well, I heards Home Depot was a-hirin'.

 

by biped
9-21-04
ARRRRR!!! WE BE STORMIN' DAVID HASSELHOFF'S ERECT NIPPLES TODAY!!!
WE'RE GONNA POKE 'EM AND TWIST 'EM! AN' TICKLE 'EM! ARRRRR!!!
Ja, ja! Your new album ist ser gut, I loff it, Mee-stah Hesselhoof! You giff me your ow-toe-groff, bitte! Ja, ja! Wunderbar!
Okay, I -- HEY! OW! HA-HA! EEK! What the FUCK??!!! My TITS!!! What's happening to my TITS!!!
AVAST!!! I BE YANKIN' THE TINY HAIRS AROUND THIS SCURVY BASTARD'S LEFT TEAT!!! YO-HO-HO!!!
SHIVER ME TIMBERS, HERE COMES THE LOTION!!! HAUL ARSE, MATEYS!!! WE'LL RETURN AT THE COCK'S CROW!!!

 

by biped
9-22-04
GLAYNATAR!!!
GLAYNATAR!!!
GLAYNATAR!!!
GLAYNATAR!!!
GLAYNATAR!!!
GLAYNATAR!!!

 

by biped
9-22-04
It's good to smoke cigarettes, Sally. They're good for you.
Go ahead and eat the yummy chicken before it's fully cooked, son.
Today we are going to learn about what vile, godless creatures babies are.

 

by biped
9-22-04
Richard Simmons is not gay.
Richard Simmons is not gay.
Richard Simmons is not gay.
Richard Simmons is not gay.
Richard Simmons is not gay.
Richard Simmons is not gay.

 

by biped
9-23-04
Hey Mom, guess what? I just saw a priest leading a funny animal parade!
DAMN IT, BOBBY!!! YOU SKIP YOUR RITALIN ONE MORE TIME AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!!!

 

by biped
9-23-04
*Things People Think About And Secretly Wish To Talk To Someone Else About It But Will Never Admit It In Public.
FUCK, NOT AGAIN! I splooged all over my best "big jugs" mag! Now the pages will stick together!
I hate it when that happens.
This is a new series that will explore those taboos.
SHIT! FUCK! PISS! The centerfold is cemented together tighter than a fucking VISE!
Yeah, jizz'll do that.
And put them into the public setting for all to see.
THAT DOES IT!!! From now on, whenever I find some PRIME WHACK-OFF MATERIAL like this --
-- two copies, dude. Always buy two fucking copies.

 

by biped
9-24-04
FUCK! A guy can't even slip into the shower to jack off without Dad barging in!
Whoa...I can't believe I ate twelve chili-cheese burritos last night. This will definitely be the biggest, smelliest shit EVER.
I think the bathroom's empty, Father. You can just go right on in.
Thank you, my child.

 

by biped
9-24-04
"LADIES: Human dildo for rent. No batteries necessary. Hands-free relief of sexual tension. Call Bobby at 1-555-221-4950. (If Mom answers, hang up.)"
"FOR SALE: One human penis. Only slightly used. Makes a great novelty gift. Testicles included free. Before Thursday, call Glen at 1-555-241-1001. After Thursday, call Glenda at 1-555-241-1001."
"LOST: One Puerto Rican male. Nude. Probably handcuffed. May be running down street. Disregard any delusional ravings re: kidnapping, etc. Call Jeffrey D. at 1-555-735-8332."

 

by biped
9-24-04
Pardon me -- does this bar serve ducks, dogs, parrots, nuns, and/or priests?

Showing page 13.

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