All comics by mmyers

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by mmyers
12-23-03
It was just a horrible movie, and this is coming from a guy who liked the TV show.
Allright, allright, you didn't like it, I got it. It was a big budget flick. It paid for my home in Martha's Vineyard.
Now for the reason I've brought you here. You are one of my creations, one of my finest creations, the Filing Clerk 5000.
Dear God...I-I really...I really have to make a tinkle right now. Where's the bathroom around here?
On the left. Can I interest you in a soda pop for when you get back?

 

by mmyers
12-23-03
And I'm back. Crap, I left my jacket in there. I better let it air out in there, if you know what I mean.
You're a robot! Don't you get it? You don't need to pee! You don't need to have any bodily functions. I created you.
I-I'm a robot? This is so weird. I don't know what to say. This is like that movie...that one movie...
A.I.? Because I was in that movie.
No. Ishtar, that's what this reminds me of. This fucking sucks. My life's a lie.
Oh, I wasn't in Ishtar.

 

by mmyers
12-23-03
Wait, if I'm a robot, does that mean...?
Yes VIP, Amanda is a robot too. I created all of the filing clerks in my image. The girl ones are just my face with a wig over it. Come on in Amanda.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Filing Clerk, I thought it would be better for you to hear it from William Hurt.
I suppose he was pretty good in the Big Chill. But Amanda, all of your filing skills, all of your knowledge...
It was just what I was programmed to know. In the future, all filing will be done by robots. Robots are the superior filers. Shed your human skin, VIP. Join us.
I suppose peeling my skin off would be kind of cool, like when you take glue and...wait, what did you say about robots being better filers?

 

by mmyers
12-24-03
Come back here, you little dickens.
Nooo waaaayyy.
Says here, "Bite head off chicken and repeat." Sounds easy enough.
Pickard is clearly the superior captain.
ROFL LOL! Kirk was a thinking man's captain. Remember what he did with that lizard guy in episode #37?

 

by mmyers
12-24-03
Boy, my Christmas bonus sucked ass this year.
"Bow-nus"? What's a Christmas Bow-nus?
Christmas bonus, man. It's the extra money a company gives you for the holidays.
Why would they do that? Just give away free money?
Um, because you've worked hard all year and it's just a little incentive.
Oh, I get it! A joke. You are devilish, Gary, just devilish. Bonuses, ha!

 

by mmyers
12-24-03
It is a empirical fact that robots are better filing clerks than humans.
You're insane. you're mad with power. Look at this piece of paper here. It says...ouch! A papercut...*gasp* and I'm bleeding.
But our paperwork confirmed that you were a robot too!
Looks like a misfile.
Then human prepare to see filing like you've never seen before.
Man, good thing I didn't try to rip my skin off.

 

by mmyers
12-24-03
Please Amanda, please don't try to file against me.
You are weak and your filing is slow and disorderly.
Well, if I must I must. Commence filing. Let's see, Edgers is before Robertson; Kiser after Evans; Smith,K is before Smith,R...
Elisco is after Barnes; Ward before Yates...*zzzztt* Can't read hand writing...*zzztt*
Earth shattering kaboom.
Amanda?
Oh Filing Clerk VIP, don't look at me. My motherboard is showing. My circuits couldn't take all of the illegible handwriting.

 

by mmyers
12-24-03
Oh Amanda, your circuits, they're...
Please filing clerk *zztt* I don't have long *zzztt* Will you come down on the floor and talk with me *zzztt* until I shut down?
Um, well, then I'd be off-panel too and that doesn't make for a very interesting picture. Also, the floor is kind of gross...
Then, please *zzztt* do me one last favor *zzztt*...
So then you fucked a robot?!
No, no, of course not...robots prefer to call it "interfacing", and man, I interfaced the shit out of her.

 

by mmyers
12-24-03
That's the sadest story I've ever heard.
The life of a Filing Clerk is a lonely one, full of solitude and self discovery.
Hey, what ever happened to William Hurt?
I'm not sure.
Allright, people, Tuck Everlasting 2: More Everlastinger, Scene One, Take One, aaanndd...ACTION!
Please kill me.

 

by mmyers
12-26-03
My pirate radio station begins tonight, so make sure you listen.
Awesome, how far out does the signal go?
Just in my neighborhood, so you'll have to drive around the block to hear me.
Why don't I just come into your house and listen to you there?
Because there's no reason to have a pirate radio station if there's no one to listen to it.
I'll never understand the media.

 

by mmyers
12-26-03
Oh yeah, baby, yes, yes.
Yeah, you like that? Oh yeah.
Oh yes, yes, I like it. Yes.
I'm going to work off all that turkey you ate yesterday baby, yeah!
I was just being topical. Come back!

 

by mmyers
12-30-03
Hmm...they must have gotten lost in traffic.

 

by mmyers
12-30-03
Microsoft tech support, this is Lisa, how may I help you?
Yes I'm having problems with some software...
Allright, one moment and I'll transfer you to one of our techs.
Thanks.
[muzak] It's the end of the world as we know it, It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. [/muzak]
I don't know which is creepier, the fact that "The End of the World as we know it" is their hold music or that I swear I hear Bill Gates whipping REM in the background.

 

by mmyers
1-02-04
Babe, can we keep the painrelievers in their original packaging from now on?
Why? The boxes take up too much room in the cabinet.
Yeah, but I can't remember the recommended dosage or how often to take them or even what pill does what.
You take two every four to six hours like every other pain reliever in the world.
Later...
How's your headache now?
Much better, thanks.

 

by mmyers
1-02-04
Gary, it's always about sex with you. Sex, sex, sex. You treat me like some kind of sex object and I'd like it to stop.
Well what kind of object would you like me to treat you like?
A human being, Gary.
A human being object? Like an inflatable doll?
No! A real live human being. I want you to treat me like a human being.
A prostitute?

 

by mmyers
1-02-04
I found an injured squirrel in front of my house. I nursed him back to health with Sprite, antacids, and saltines.
Oh my, antacids and seltzers have been known to make small animals stomachs explode. You're a very lucky, young man.
He's the lucky one. If I were lucky, he'd have been filled with gold, exploded, and I would have been showered in it.
Oh dear.
*chirp*?
You heard me.

 

by mmyers
1-02-04
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Fox Network
OK, we take 8 deceased celebrities and put them in a house together and see what happens. The title...are you ready? "Get an Afterlife"!
Three words. I'M-LOVING-IT.

 

by mmyers
1-02-04
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Years and years of two lonely guys in Civil War attire searching for personifications of abstract concepts.
Well sure, when you say it like that, it sounds stupid.

 

by mmyers
1-02-04
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
I guess 2004 will be filled with more filing, more comic strips about filing, and, if I'm lucky, a 17 cent raise.
You, soldier, are a sad fucking sack.

 

by mmyers
1-02-04
My husband and I were pulled over on New Year's Eve. My husband didn't use his blinker.
You're in your 50s. Surely the cop didn't give you a hard time.
The officer asked if my husband had been drinking, and he said no. I told the officer that he had had a few drinks with dinner, because I don't lie. I assured the officer he was sober, though.
Still the officer took my husband to jail, you know, scared straight and all. As the car drove away, my husband looked like he was happy and joking.
That poor, poor bastard.

 

by mmyers
1-03-04
*Hello, (mmyers), this is Blockbuster Video calling to inform you that you have a late movie and owe ($3.15).*
Wow, Blockbuster has computers that call you to tell you you have a late movie?
*Please return (Mighty Ducks 4) to the store in which you rented it before you acrue additional charges.*
Waitaminute, that voice sounds very familiar...
Stephen Hawking?
*I am working at Blockbuster while waiting for my grants to come through. Just pay the damn money.*

 

by mmyers
1-03-04
Chaka Khan-Chaka Khan...Chaka Khan, let me rock you, let me rock you, Chaka Khan. Let me take you in my arms, Fill you with my charms...
Chaka!
’cause you know that I’m the one to keep you warm
Chaka!
I have to get to work in 10 minutes. Can you get out of the bathroom, please?
Chaka?

 

by mmyers
1-05-04

 

by mmyers
1-05-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
I-I-I just removed this stop sign in the background a-a-and cars just started plowing into each other. Who knew New York's transit system was so fragile?
Who indeed.

 

by mmyers
1-05-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Oh cruel fates that ever there should a news sign that feels empathy, oh cruel deeds that...
Shhhh.

 

by mmyers
1-05-04

 

by mmyers
1-06-04
Chuck E Cheese is so much more shitty than when I was a kid. I went the other day. All of the windows are blacked out so you can't see in, like it's a stripbar.
I think they did it so it wouldn't be so obvious that they have like 0 games now, just ball rolling games and whack-a-mole. They just want you to get tickets and pay for drinks and pizza.
One guy gave the bear $20 and he got taken in front of everyone and danced with the animals. They give more attention to the big spenders. Come to think of it, maybe Chuck E Cheese is a stripbar now.

 

by mmyers
1-06-04
Hey, what'cha doin'?
I'm downloading this song that the people on Stripcreator are talking about.
Cool. You wanna run up to Sears with me? We can buy you some new socks.
Babe, you know that I only buy my socks at K-MART, K-MART, K-MART!
What?
Oh man, what have I done???

 

by mmyers
1-06-04
Kevin Keegan's Perm told me to listen to this song, now it's stuck in my head.
Who's Kevin Keegan and why does he have a perm still? It's 2004 for goodness sake.
Elsewhere...
Kelly, Kelly, listen, listen...would you like to come with me to the 'day spa'?
Why, David, you didn't say 'day spa' three times in a row in the voice of that annoying song! You're cured! Let's get married!
Meanwhile...
Kevin Keegan's perm? I don't know him personally but I know he's not a PORN STAR, PORN STAR, PORN STAR! I can't stop! Damn you!
I think I'll be sleeping at my mom's tonight.

 

by mmyers
1-07-04
You know what I hate? I hate bathroom signs that try to be clever. Senoirs and senoiritas, dingos and sheilas...
Cowboys and cowgirls, madames and miseurs. I just want it to say men and women. You know what else I hate?
Yourself?
Lucky guess.

 

by mmyers
1-07-04
I just heard the weirdest thing...
Is it 'docking the ship' where two guys, one circumsized and one isn't and the uncircumsized one puts the flap over the other guy's penis and they masturbate?
Sorry dude. Someone just told me about it and I had to get it out.

 

by mmyers
1-07-04
Um, daylight's coming and I'd kind of like to go home.

 

by mmyers
1-07-04

 

by mmyers
1-07-04
Hey there little wittle Manxy kitty. Whut's your little wittle name?
I'm a tabby.
Does this mean you're not taking me home? Hello?

 

by mmyers
1-08-04
And can you identify the cat in question, sir?
It's the manx! It's the manx! It's the manx! It's the manx! It's the manx!

 

by mmyers
1-08-04
Hey, what are you doing on the computer, on my birthday, no less?
I'm talking to mmyers about manxes, Mom.
Why are you talking about manxes?
Because manxes tell no "tails"...(heheheh)
Honey, are you on "the pot"?
Hold on, I'm typing "It's the manx" over and over. I love that little dance he does. (heheheh)

 

by mmyers
1-08-04
M, go sell the cow at the market and buy yourself a CD burner. We'll make a lot of money by bootlegging CDs.
Yes grammy.
Come on, Cowie. We're going to the swap meet to get a CD burner. Let's take the shortcut through the woods.
Oh hello stranger. I'm taking my cow to the swap meet. I'm going to get a CD burner.
Sure, you could get yourself a CD burner, or you could become part of a community. Let me ask you, do you know what a "regular" is?

 

by mmyers
1-08-04
Grammy! Grammy! Grammy! Grammy! Grammy! Grammy!
Shut up! What?
Only the bestest thing in the whole world ever happened to me today. I became a donor at Stripcreator.com.
You became a whatty-what-what in the what-what?
A donor, a donor, I'm a little donor! A donor, a boner, a little microphoner!
I'm sure this somehow relates back to letting his mother eat paint chips when she was little.

 

by mmyers
1-08-04
So you gave our only cow to this Brad character so he would make you a 'donor' to some organization?
It's a website, grammy, the Wonderful World Wibe Web, the information super highway!
And what's so good about this superhighway?
Well, all sorts of stuff. There's information and lots of pornography. Actually, most of it's porno-graphy. I learned what a 'knacker' is, though.
Ball your fist up and smell it.
This isn't where you hit my arm and make me punch myself, is it?

 

by mmyers
1-08-04
I...
wonder when if they'll ever turn the heat on? I wonder too.
This...
place needs to be cleaned up before the fire marshall sees it? I'll get right on that.
The good thing about everyone saying the same thing over and over again is that I can stop them before they say it. The bad thing is I can still hear them saying it in my head.

 

by mmyers
1-09-04
Brad follows closely behind...
Looks like we're lost, Brad. I'm guessing we're in the colon somewhere. I...hey, what the hell is that?
Nevermind Smoke-em. Smoke-em is going away now. Don't hurt, Smoke-em.
We're not going to hurt you. We're trying to find our way to dcom's butt...or find a way to save the universe, we're not really picky.
Smoke-em can take you. Smoke-em can take you to the precious. You follow Smoke-em, he take you to the precious.
Hey, has anyone seen my cigarette?
Good grief, this is exactly the feeling I got the last time that someone crammed a lit cigarette in my butt. Better not to ask the circumstances.

 

by mmyers
1-09-04
Shirt-girders: (noun) The little plastic devices in shirt collars that hold them stiff.
You all right, Rube?
Your dadblammed shirt-girder poked me in the eye while we was huggin'.
Imbibe-zillment: (adjective) To stop by someone's party to grab some of their beer and leave.
So long, cunters!
Stop him! I've been imbibe-zelled!
A Trap-etizer: (noun) Any food item that contains one of another food item that doesn't belong. i.e. an onion ring in your french fries
You should be happy that there's sour cream in your plain taco. That's normally extra.
But I'm allergic.

 

by mmyers
1-10-04
Did you drink all the orange juice out of the carton?
Yep.
You shouldn't drink out of the mouth of the OJ.
Because of germs? I finished off the carton.
No, you shouldn't drink out of the carton because I stick my dick in it to open it. It's a game I like to play with myself, you know, the "Open the OJ with your dick" game.
*Bleech*

 

by mmyers
1-12-04
You know, honey, sometimes I'm amazed, you know, really amazed...
That you get to wake up beside me every day for the rest of our lives? I'm amazed about that too. Isn't love wonderful?
I was going to say "Amazed how far computer graphics have come in 20 years" but yes, love and all that crap is pretty amazing too.

 

by mmyers
1-12-04
Hey Filing Clerk, we're rolling out a new policy for vacation days. Now instead of sick and vacation time, you'll just have one set of hours to pull from.
That sounds good, I guess.
Yeah, well, the policy also says that you receive 20 fewer hours of vacation and are required to use 18 hours when we tell you to.
Hey that kind of sucks, man. What's the deal?
We have a policy in place regarding questions of the new plan. It goes like this...LALALALALA, I can't hear you.

 

by mmyers
1-12-04
One day, they'll probably make statues of us and put them in the park.
Why would they do that?
You know how they do that with old people who die who are always in the park? That'll be us, man. I can't decide if I want to be in this position...
Or like this. What do you think?
I hope if they make one of me, it's me shitting on a pigeon. It's probably the only chance I'll get.

 

by mmyers
1-12-04
Hey, guys don't drink out of the watercooler. The water's skunked. It tastes like a condom.
You're disgusting, Filing clerk.
Yeah, that's disgusting.
What? I didn't say it tasted like a used condom.

 

by mmyers
1-12-04
Erik, did you know that when a person on a bike raises their arm that it means they're turning?
No. I have a bicycle safety class next cemester.
Yeah, man, I didn't know that either.
I don't know who was sorrier that I didn't know that, me or the guy on the bike. Hey, I think I hear sirens, we better duck into this pub while it's still happy hour.

 

by mmyers
1-12-04
Allright, we know you're in there and we know that you have drugs! Come out with your hands up!
Oh snap, it's the cops. Shit, I'm busted!
We're giving you until the count of 10 to come out or we will come in after you.
Shit, ya'll, flush everything you can down the toilet and somebody grab me my submachine gun.
A-HA! It is me, Jesus!
Damn, Jesus, that shit was cold. I thought you was the cops. You want your normal nickle bag?

 

by mmyers
1-13-04
So how did your date with Greg go last night?
Pretty well. I let him get to 2nd base.
Wow. Hey, did you ever notice that there aren't any bases for guys?
No, guys are more like Little League T-ball rather than Major League baseball.
How so?
They swing wildly, there's lots of confusion when they actually get something, and then they want ice cream afterwards.

Showing page 13.

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