All comics by pslock

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by pslock
2-03-05
...and his name is Uwe Boll.
OK, this will be REALLY scary!! What we need to do is have you walk up to this house like "OOH!! SCAAAARY!!" and be afraid, OK?
Uhh..but why would I go in there, I thought my character was supposed to...
SILENCE! You're upsetting me now, you're not understanding what kind of movie the audience wants. I do. Now, go towards the house, and when I signal you, start shooting at the demon guys.
What demon guys? I don't even have a prop gun! Where was this in the script?
What script? This is a world of pure horror coming from my instincts, which are always right, especially when I have the budget to realize them...
DUDE, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A MOVIE BASED ON DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??

 

by pslock
2-03-05
It was disgusting!!! I can't believe he got away with it!!!
But I guess that speaks volumes for how low our justice system has fallen in the name of convienience!!
Yeah, but you gotta admit, pedophilia is pretty hot.

 

by pslock
2-03-05
Ugh....Atlas Shrugged?? Who could read this crap? Boooring!
A few years later.
OMG, TOTALLY HOTT CHICK!!
Yeah, I'm like totally into Ayn Rand
A few days later.
Yeah, I'm totally also into Ayn Rand.
Really?? Why...I never knew!

 

by pslock
2-03-05
Say, whatcha doin'???
I'm causing interfaction chaos during the invasion of North Korea by functioning as a soldier of fortune, only interested in destroying the old infrastructure of the deposed government.
...Looks like you're driving a tank through a building and dropping cluster bombs on civillians.
Mmmmhhmmmm.
Ok then, dear...I'll leave you to it.
OK I GET THE POINT! EVERY NORTH KOREAN SOLDIER HAS A ROCKET LAUNCHER AND IS INSTRUCTED TO SHOOT ME IN THE FACE WITH IT!! CAN WE MOVE ON NOW???

 

by pslock
2-05-05
8:59 AM SATURDAY
Guess I better open the store....
9:00 AM SATURDAY
OMG MISTER HAS YUGIOH STARTED YET? IM HERE FOR YUGIOH SAY DO YOU GUYS HAVE THE NEW BLACK THUMBS RED EAR LOBES THOMPSONS GAZELLE CARDS? LIKE OMG THOSE ARE THE COOLEST AND YOU CAN WIN GAMES AND...AND..
9:30 AM SATURDAY
Must...resist...urge...to...kill. Suppress...hate. Become.... super...villian.
LIKE WOW ITS MY FRIEND TIM AND HES GOT DESTINY BOARD RAREZ DO YOU GUYS SELL THOSE RAREZ, HUH? CUZ WHEN I WAS AT WAL-MART I SAW THIS RARE CARD...AND..AND..

 

by pslock
2-06-05
Actually, I'm not dead.
And I never played the guitar.

 

by pslock
2-09-05
Ok, we have this really important project started to move all the merchandise in your department onto these new racks. It's gotta be done, like, YESTERDAY. It is your #1 priority.
Ok. I'm on it.
Actually, wait... Can you, like, run register for a few hours cuz, like a dumbshit, I tarded up the schedule again and we're way short people..it's really important thanks..
....
The next day...
So, why isn't there anything done in your department?

 

by pslock
2-13-05
Arthur Miller died.
I know.
I read all about it. He wrote that play "Death of a Crucible" and was, like, good friends with Marilyn Manson, or something.
That's sort of right.
Internet forum news wins again!

 

by pslock
2-13-05
This man has rainbows in his pockets and smiles in his hat.
But at home he has no one to share them with.
So, now he wants to come to YOUR house.

 

by pslock
2-15-05
Witness the tremendous willpower and control over himself that the average consumer has!
Oh MY GOD!! I AM SO UTTERY OFFENDED BY THIS STORE!! YOU PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE!! I AM NOT COMING BACK HERE EVER AGAIN!! I WILL VOTE WITH MY DOLLAR!!!!
Ok.
The next day.
*whistling*
A few days later.
Umm...where's your books on insects.
Pussy.

 

by pslock
2-17-05
Wow...I'm inside an ass. How did that happen??
At least it's nice and quiet and no one is around to bother me.
Excuse me but do you actually sell books here??
Motherfucker..

 

by pslock
2-20-05
There's a party in my pocket and the whole world's invited.
The WHOLE world? Sure you don't mean the mud-people and the racially IMPURE??
.....
Wouldn't that include us?
You are so NOT down with your people.

 

by pslock
2-27-05
It's interesting how this trainwreck on SC has evolved.
*blahblahblah dongs blahblah retards blahblah crabby stinks blahblah*
I mean, had things been taken care of when people starting getting zero ratings for criticizing his comics, things might not have gotten this far.
*blahblah little-kitty blahblahblah retard blahblah fat blahblah dumbass blahblah*
But, I guess now all his apologists are being entertained more than ever, because this is clearly what people want to see I guess. Enjoying it yet?
*blahblahblah OMG POOP LOL blahblah fuck blahblahblah*

 

by pslock
3-01-05
Have you heard the conspiracy arguments that the Indian Ocean Tsunami was actually caused on purpose with nuclear explosives?
By who?
People who like causing tsunamis I guess. The Illuminati? Trilateral Commission? Flat Earth Society?
Wait...I know who.
Who?
Surfers.

 

by pslock
3-02-05
SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT UP.
DO NOT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.
YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU SEAN PENN.

 

by pslock
3-02-05
This is a really awesome sandwich!
Care for a bit of garnish? Say...
...a bit of mustard? Or perhaps, freshly crushed pepper? Some dressing perhaps?
Are you always carrying that stuff around with you?
Why do you think I bought this ugly coat? Sex appeal?

 

by pslock
3-05-05
I'm looking for a movie with Angelina Jolie, but I can't remember the name or any plot details whatsoever, I just know I need to see it.
Well...sorry, I can really only look things up by title, and our customer info machine was broken by customers.
That's just lame. Really lame. I expected more from this company.
....
Then you obviously don't know this company very well.

 

by pslock
3-05-05
It should be noted that the customer in that last, amusing strip was undoubtedly looking for "Gia", Angelina Jolie's first feature role. I know this because whenever ANYONE is looking for...
...a movie with her in it and can't remember what it is or anything about it, it's "Gia." This is because people want to see Gia NOT for Jolie's talent or the movie itself.
They just want to see it solely because Jolie gets naked at least once in the film, and that's all people care about is the boobies.
See how predictable you consumer whores are?

 

by pslock
3-05-05
Awww man!! Do you guys have, like, the Faces of the Death movies!! Those are bad, eh!!
No, we don't carry those. You probably won't find those in stores, best place is the internet to get them.
Awww Damn!! Those movies are bad, eh!!! There's one where they kill a puppy, it's tight!!!
It was a stuffed plush toy filled with Hormel Chili. It wasn't real. 99% of the stuff in those movies is faked. Rather badly, too.
...but my cousin said it was real, yo.
....

 

by pslock
3-07-05
I heard that you're a Nazi.
Who told you that? Well, it doesn't matter, it's not true.
Well, then why did you write "HITLAR RULEZ!! JOOS SNOOZ!!" in permanent marker on our bathroom wall?
I didn't!
.....You signed it.
Look, I'm not a Nazi, OK?

 

by pslock
3-09-05
..So anyway, I said "Sanctus Infernum" and my level 12 Dwarf Mage burned his sorry Elf ass....so I...
Wait...stop. I...I have to be honest with you. I'm not sure I like where this is going.
Uh...what do you mean?
Well...all night we've talking about our Creatures and Catacombs campaigns and I've been getting a nasty feeling...
What feeling? Don't you like talking about our campaigns?
No..it's not that..it's just... It feels...like...like you hate elves.

 

by pslock
3-10-05
Huh? I don't *hate* Elves...it just so happens I have a whole mess of Elf enemies and most of my tabletop opponents are Elves. I just never play an Elf.
Well, it just feels like you specifically single them out. I mean, you seem to take extreme pleasure in hurting Elves in your campaigns.
....It takes place in the ELF FOREST. Of course there's Elves! They're everywhere!
See how you say that, though? "They're EVERYWHERE!" Like they're bugs or vermin of some kind. I LIKE Elves. Most of my characters are Elves.
Yeah, yeah..ever since that Lord of the Rings bullshit came out, EVERYONE wants to be an Elf. Fucking Elves all over the place. Er...I shouldn't have said that..
Look...I'm sorry...this just isn't going to work out... I'm..not sure about you...

 

by pslock
3-10-05
No, wait! Don't go. Look..I'm sorry...I mean, I guess I just didn't know how much Elves meant to you. I admit, an Elf killed off my last character, and I think I took it personally. Forgive me..
I don't know... I mean, you even said you wanted to move to 3.5 rules. Do you REALLY prefer 3.5 to 2nd edition?
I'm....I'm....not sure. I put on this facade for my friends that I deeply respect 3.5, but I'm just not sure anymore... I'm even considering moving to D20.
Oh.... I never knew. I'm sorry. What an internal struggle. What pain...
Can we start over? Make a "saving throw" against saying stupid things to each other?
Oh..I think your chances of that are quite good, dear...I'll even give you a +5 bonus on that roll, hehe.

 

by pslock
3-10-05
Oh...the dark of my soul is truly darker today than it was yesterday. My love for you is as tainted as an unpreserved cheese.
My blood flows verily onto the ground from where you dark soul doth wound me, and your lips....wait a sec...
What??
Did you just say your love was "as tainted as an unpreserved cheese?"
Yes...verily so..
Yeah, enough with the verily. Umm..where did you come up with that line?

 

by pslock
3-10-05
I thought it worked for the moment. I mean, not everything out of my mouth is fuckin' ANDREW ELDRITCH, OK?
But "unpreserved cheese?" I mean...you're not even trying. It's as if you don't really have a brooding, intense, dark lust for me.
I do have all of that stuff! It's just hard to constantly make it sound like it's a horrible, nasty, pus-filled thing.
Look, my love for you is perfectly dark and morbid and inspired by the souls of the recently departed and their rotting flesh. Your love sounds like it was inspired by....LUNCH or something!
Fucking hell, do I HAVE to open a friggin' VEIN here?? I'll bleed onto this cold, hard, empty ground if it will bring thee verily back into my arms...
ENOUGH WITH THE VERILY, MR. PETER MURPHY.

 

by pslock
3-10-05
Look, how much clearer can I be? My love for you is like a dark vaccuum of a thousands screams echoing from the inside of a tomb!
If only I could believe that... My love cannot be given so easily, for it is infested with maggots and pines for the black storms to come, whilst..
Alright, wait, wait... Can't we just drop this? Do we really have to keep talking like this? Look, I like you a lot, so let's go watch "Touched By An Angel" together and have some popcorn...
Oh my god! Do mean that one episode with the adopted child? It was SOOO sad! But then it got happy at the end! Yeah, let's go now! It comes on in, like, 15 minutes!
Ok...lemme stop home real quick to get that new Lindsay Lohan CD...you'll love it!! It totally rocks!

 

by pslock
3-10-05
I'm...glad you could make it, Agent J94. I see you're in...disguise.
Well, you can never be too careful. I think the KGB is onto me, so I have to keep them guessing. But I wouldn't miss our little rendezvous for the world.
Yes...remember this tavern? It was where we assassinated the President of Moldavia.
Good times....good times. Almost as good as that time we toppled the Calvin Klein regime and made love in your Aston Martin while the streets burned!
We never fought the Klein regime together. And I dont' drive an Aston Martin.
Err...what I meant was that time we...we...

 

by pslock
3-10-05
My god...you're...seeing another secret agent aren't you?
It's a dangerous game we play, you and I. We may die at ANY moment! I...had a fling with Agent V23. It was an in-the-moment kind of thing. All those evil supermodels destroyed! The excitement!
But what about all the super-villains we destroyed together? What about OUR adventures? Or doesn't that count anymore?
Look, I can't have this discussion with you wearing this silly disguise...hang on a second...*urrrgh*
Wait...that's not it... *hurrrrggghh*

 

by pslock
3-10-05
Look, don't worry about your disguise...but I need to know if you want to leave me for this...Agent V23. Perhaps he is more...exiciting for you..
No it's not that, I...*uunnhhh* really do care for you but I...*urrgh* how the fuck do you get this disguise off??? One more time...
Wait, stop there....I kind of....like your schoolgirl disguise.
Why you dirty old agent, you! How unprofessional!!
Oh, I think I'm professional enough. Now, what were we arguing about? Was this your...distraction technique? You know I have my attache' case of....gadgets with me...
Before we finish our drinks let's just assassinate ONE more person here...for old times sake! We'll use the old "Blind Man and Puppy Dog" routine. I'll get my garotte wire.

 

by pslock
3-11-05
*meow meow!*
*woof woof!* *WOOF!*
What's that supposed to mean?
*woof?*..er.. I mean, what? What's wrong?
It just sounded...too agressive. Are you sure you understand your breed properly?
I think so...I mean, I guess. I've been watching all the cartoons. Look, can we just yiff now?

 

by pslock
3-11-05
Yiff? YIFF?? Is THAT all you can think about? I fucking KNEW it! Every time I meet a guy who's a furry he's either gay, married, or just wants to yiff.
Uh..isn't that kind of the point of the costumes and everything? Just some fucked up sexual fetish? Come on, let's get some inter-species breeding ON! YEEAAHH!!
Eww! Get off! Get OFF!! What the fuck? This isn't about SEX! It's about expressing a deep, primitive urge to return to nature. To experiece the freedom of the animal kingdom, if just for a bit.
....
What? IT IS!!
Yeah....right. That's why everyone here has to take their fursuits to the dry-cleaners every 3 days.

 

by pslock
3-11-05
Look, I'm sorry that YOU think being a furry is all about debauchery, but it ISN'T. Some people take it very seriously.
Whatever..I should have just stayed home and beaten off to tentacle rape hentai.
Oh....uh...really? Which video?
"Demon Sin Burglar Virgin Vol. 8" Uh...Why?
Reeeeaaalllly?...*purr*
!!!!

 

by pslock
3-16-05
Umm..I need to return this cd player...
What's wrong with it?
Well, the volume goes up too loud.
Uhhh.....so, why not just NOT turn the volume all the way up? That's why there's a VOLUME CONTROL.
Wait...what??
You're not breeding, are you?

 

by pslock
3-16-05
Well, as you can see, it's a bit of a fixer-upper, but I think you and your husband will love it here. Charming neighborhood, plenty of garden space...
Uh, sir...I just saw the phantom ghost of a little girl crawling out of the phantasmic abyss... I'm not sure this is right for us.
Oh, that's just part of the local color. I assure you, there's nothing here at all that could possibly harm you. And if you leave the lights on 24-7 the ghost babies don't even come out!
Ghost babies?? What the fuck kind of house are you trying to stiff us with?? I should have suspected something when the ad said "I guarantee it's not haunted, seriously."
"Haunting" is such a loaded, overused term...I mean, we're not necessarily talking "haunting" here, what we're talking about is....
That's it....I'm outta here...

 

by pslock
3-17-05
...and over here you can put your entertainment center, and your catbox, and..
Uh, sir?? We're....underwater.
Oh, no, no!! It's just incredibly humid in this area of town today...this house has a bit of a moisture problem, we've acknowledged that...
No, dude...we're under WATER. I mean, look, there's a shark right over there!
We've got exterminators for that.
....

 

by pslock
3-19-05
Ok...can't screw this up. C'mon..get it right....oh god, here he comes...OK. Relax...just compose myself...
Can I help you sir?
Yes, uhh....I'd like a condoms of box...I mean...SHIT! SHIT!! I...I mean..
Gimmie a sec.. HEY AL!! DO WE HAVE THE CONDOM SHIPMENT YET???
No, no!! Shh..! I mean, I wanted a box of...uh..nipples..NEEDLES! I mean needles!! And some fondling..FLOWERS!

 

by pslock
3-21-05
Ladies and Americranians, I will boldly do the right thing and save the life of a helpless, vegetative woman by voiding the power of your court system for my own whims. I will defend all life.
But what about all the youth of the nation whom you sent to die in another country over made up reasons to go to war?
Heh...what a cute little girl. Girl, I am defending your life, as I would all life. Only freedom haters don't want life.
And what about the mentally retarded people whom you signed execution orders on when you were governor of..
WELL LOOKIE HERE...I have cookies in my pocket!! Try a cookie!! Little girls LOOOVE cookies, don't they? I made them myself while tirelessly fighting for the lives of alll people everywhere...
I think too many people have been "eating your cookies", mister.

 

by pslock
3-21-05
Doodeedoo...time to show more houses! Hmmm..I could swear I forgot to do something. I hate those kinds of mornings.. Anyway...off to the next client!
A LITTLE LATER LTD.
Ooh! This seems nice, I can't wait to see the inside!
Heh, patience my good madam, I think you'll find the long commute worth it for this property.
HOLY DEAR...GOD JESUS CRAP!! THE.....BODIES!!!! *HURRRGGGGHH* *PHHHLLLLRRMMM* VOMIT...NOT..STOPPING *BLURRRGG*
Goddamnit, I KNEW there was something I forgot to do.

 

by pslock
3-21-05
Hey, what're you doing here? What's all the commotion?
I'm protesting that poor, disabled woman being HORRIBLY MURDERED!! Surely someone must stop this travesty of justice!! Depriving her of food is WRONG!!
Well, I think it's a little more complicated than that. I think...
NO IT ISN'T. STARVATION IS MURDER!! IT'S INHUMAN! NOT A SINGLE PERSON MUST STARVE IN THE EYES OF THE LORD!! THIS MUST END!!
Well, you could always give some money or food to that homeless guy right over there...he looks like he could use it.
Eww!! Fucking gross!! You expect me to give handouts to these freeloaders?? HEY BUDDY!! YEAH, ME...OVER HERE!! GET A JOB!

 

by pslock
3-21-05
Wow...I'm starving. Dinner was a great suggestion. How was your day at work?
Oh the usual. Anal, DP, 18 facials in, like, 5 hours. I'm beat. I'm not sure I can do that again. And, honey, I'd appreciate it if you didn't order anything with a white sauce.
Hmm..same here I guess. Some fisting, some squirting action. The usual. Henry, my director, was telling me that I have tremendous potential for the piss-orgy series that's coming up, and...
*SIGH*
What? I thought you were supportive of me doing the piss-orgy?
I am, but why the fuck do you have to bring up HENRY every 5 seconds?? What..is he your BOOOYYYFRIEEEND??

 

by pslock
3-21-05
Look, stop being so damn jealous of Henry. He's a brilliant director...he's opened me up to all kinds of new things...remember how I used to hate vegetable penetration?
Yeah, I know all that, but damn, you never stop talking about him! I mean, jesus, it's be like me talking about how great Andrea's labia is all day or something.
*glare*
What? It's a perfectly valid comparison! I mean...not that..I really care about Andrea's...thingy. I just see it...a lot. Lately. Schedule and all that.
It seems like you brought her up in a hurry, hmmm??
Dude, you gotta admit, she has a great labia.

 

by pslock
3-21-05
It looks to me like there's just some issues here that may never get solved. I'm not sure I feel like eating now after the Andrea comment. And I even ordered the roast beef!!
Look, I'm sorry I was jealous of Henry. It's just... I guess I'm mad cuz he sees more of you or something. I mean, -I- wanted to show you vegetable penetration first, and..
You did? I...I never knew.
Well, it was that one week where I got all caught up in the "CUM ON GIRLS OF THE 4-H CLUB" series and I had to leave town for a month...
...BOW CHICKA WOW CHICKA BOW...
I'm sorry I got so upset...I think we can finish our dinner in peace now. And maybe...have some...veggies for desert??
Only if you...have a side of...white meat with it.

 

by pslock
3-21-05
So...I took LSD for the first time today.
Yeah?? ....And???
WHO SAID YOU COULD SPEAK?? WAS IT THE GAY PENGUIN?? CUZ IF IT WAS, I WILL STAB HIM WITH THE RAINBOW!!!! FUCK THOSE FAIRIES!!
....

 

by pslock
3-22-05
*clackity clack* Heh....take THAT, world!!
What are you doing? Is that a weblog you're making?
HELL YES!! I'm becoming a "blogger" journalist. You know...not caring about the commercial publishing world; just saying whatever -I- want to without interference!!
But...you have nothing to report. You have no political contacts and you're not a whistle blower. You work at the "Fancy Pup" hot dog stand.
Are you kidding? I can expose the seedy underbelly of Fancy Pup...make people SEE the truth that -I- am exposing them to!!
I don't think complaining about the girl who refused to date you really qualifies as over-the-edge journalism. But, your general appraisal of her outfit might be good for an online fashion column.

 

by pslock
3-23-05
HEY GUYS THIS CORPORATE JOB SURE SUCKS!! WHAT WITH THE CUBICLES AND QUIRKY BOSSES AND ALL THAT!! PAPERWORK!! AM I RIGHT? I NEED COFFEE!!
So why don't you just fucking quit?
THE END
Say, that's a good idea.

 

by pslock
3-25-05
... it's got plenty of room for all sorts of cat activities and, if you're looking to start a family, well it's perfect!
It's a locker.
Well, yes, I believe the DESIGN is BASED on a locker, but that's just for security purposes. Artistically, the...
No. It's just a locker. Removed from a high school judging from the graffitti and the smell.
"MR. BENNETT IS A FAG!" Oh, that's just the architect's unusual signature style! He loves marking each piece he makes with some cryptic..
You and your family's shoes are SO urinated on.

 

by pslock
3-25-05
Hey, how's it going today??
Not bad I guess, you horrible meatsack. How's your day?
Not too bad I guess. Got an A on my math test.
Well, gee, that's great you insufferable, red-blooded, semi-bipedal freak!
I wish I didn't have to take classes in the "Insect Wing."
You better not have any fucking magnifying glasses on you or your DEAD.

 

by pslock
3-25-05
Jesus, I'm getting so tired of hearing about that Schiavo woman and her feeding tube and all that crap. I mean...
HEY!!!
What?
That's, like, a really good name for a band! "Food Tube!"
I have to admit, it is. You'd have to be like punk, or post-punk, or wave punk, or punk punk or whatever..
Dude, check that shit.... Freeform jazz combo, all the way. We could be called "Food Tube and the Persistent Vegetative States."

 

by pslock
3-25-05
Please don't say it....please don't say it....
Hmm...maybe I should compliment her hair again. I mean...she'll LIKE that, right? I mean, I can't stop doing it! I LOVE her hair!
..don't say it...just go five minutes without saying it you sorry-ass motherfucker... dear god I hate you... just...die
Of course, I've been complimenting her hair every five minutes for the last few hours. But, she HAS to like it. Right?
Five Minutes Later...
Hey, aren't you going to say something about my hair?
Nah...I noticed the little tag back there. Nice try with the wig there, but I've seen better. Much better.

 

by pslock
3-26-05
Wow. 651 comics. Wait...should we be impressed??
Not really.
Why not?
Because he only started using US in the last 150 or so.
Bastard.
I say bring back that Meeting Evil shit.

Showing page 13.

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