All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
5-17-04
Hey, Perm, did you see that part in the "Friends" finale when they...
SHUT UP!
.....
I had to tape it because I was out of town, and I haven't had a chance to watch yet.
They all drink the Kool-Aid.
You BASTARD.

 

by umfumdisi
5-25-04
Your word is "apiary."
apiary. a-p-i-a-r-y. apiary.
Your word is "aviary."
aviary. a-v-i-a-r-y. aviary.
Your word is "trichinosis."
You've GOT to be kidding me.

 

by umfumdisi
5-25-04
Howdy, kaufman, whatcha been up to?
I've written a play about a band that writes a hit song and decides to tour 365 cities in 365 days. Of course, by the end, the band is very tired--exhausted even.
Sounds interesting. I'm sure you'll come up with the right band. You seem to have a special talent for that sort of thing.
Umfum, that's it!
Don't tell me.... You're going to put The Knack in "Knackered?"

 

by umfumdisi
5-30-04
So there I was...napalm one one side because some greenhorn Corporal gave out the wrong damn coordinates...
and mines on the other side. Radio Joe wasn't watching his step--soon, we'd be calling him Stumpy. I got a psych discharge after my next tour.
For me, that was Vietnam. Now you wanna get a room or what?
Sure, Jack, and I just have to say, you really put the 'Nam in NAMBLA.

 

by umfumdisi
5-31-04
For some reason, Norm is a squirrel...
My name's Cahla. I wait yah table--five dollah (note the Bahstahn accent).
Hey, Carla, gimme a beer and two aspirin.
What wrong, Nahm? Yah got a soah noggin frahm listenin' tah Cliffy's YAHP-YAHP-YAHP?
Nah, the beer's for me; the aspirin are for Vera.
Foah Verah??
Yeah, I'm in the mood for a little whoopie when I get home, and they're for the headache Vera will say she has!

 

by umfumdisi
6-06-04
Introduction time at the First Annual Serial Killer Convention...
Hi, I'm John Wayne Gacy, I like to torture and kill little boys.
Ottis Toole's the name...cannibalism is my game.
Ted Bundy. Have you seen the TV movie they made about me?
Ed Gein. Would you care to buy any nipple rings? Nipples included!
Yes, I'm Joel Rifkin, and--holy shit, it's....

 

by umfumdisi
6-13-04
Thank you for your purchase. Enjoy the show...
I WILL!
Finally! Hey, did you get extra butter on my popcorn?
Yeah, but the guy behind the counter called it palm grease.

 

by umfumdisi
6-20-04
*tink*

 

by umfumdisi
6-20-04
IT WAS IN THAT DULL JULY WHEN I CORNHOLED PASSERSBY. I COULD NOT TELL YOU WHY. MONSIGNOR, OH MONSIGNOR!
AND THOUGH I FELT THE LOVE BELOW, I JUST COULD NOT LET YOU KNOW. HOW MUCH IS IT FOR A BLOW? MONSIGNOR, OH MONSIGNOR!
AND THEN I LOST YOU TO THE NIGHT, WHICH MADE ME SHAKE WITH FRIGHT. HOW WAS I TO KNOW? MONSIGNOR, OH MONSIGNOR!
NOW I CHASE THE ENDS OF EARTH, SEEKING SWEET WORDS OF REBIRTH. KNOW THAT I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO. MONSIGNOR, OH MONSIGNOR!
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

 

by umfumdisi
6-27-04
Is this a great game or what?
Yeah, too bad I gotta leave soon.
You can't leave, we've almost finished it! Where do you gotta go?
I've got some important business to take care of...
Banned!

 

by umfumdisi
6-27-04

 

by umfumdisi
7-05-04
Am I drunk again, or do y'all see that there alien, too?
REEEP!
I swear I only had this much Huckleberry Schnapps!
FROOD?
I wonder if I'll make the Weekly World News?

 

by umfumdisi
7-05-04
Oh my head. Say, kids, you didn't happen to see any bright lights or strange objects last night, didya?
No, sir.
Not a thing.
What about my asshole? Does it look like it's been probed?
*ULP!*
*RETCH!*

 

by umfumdisi
7-05-04
I can't believe Uncle Rüt showed us his "backdoor." I can't erase that image from my mind.
Try to think about something else.
Like what?
Idunno...warm chocolate pie, a mudhole, Uranus through a brown filter...
I don't think I'm the only one having trouble getting over this.
...a coal mine between two brush-strewn mountains, a giant Cyclops with a huge brown eye, the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop...

 

by umfumdisi
7-05-04
Say, Mr. Owl, how many licks DOES it take to get to the chocolatey center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
I don't know. Let's see. One...
Ah Two..
Ah Three...
Five Years Later...
Ah Fifty-Billion Three-Hundred-Sixty-Eight-Million One-Hundred-Two-Thousand Eight-Hundred and Fifty-Three...
Nevermind that! Now tell me how to find out if a girl is really a virgin.

 

by umfumdisi
7-06-04
Neal, last time I was up at 5am, I hadn't been asleep yet.
Sorry, bro, work here on the farm starts early.
Well, what do we do first?
Milk the goat.
You mean, "Give the goat some milk," right?
It's gonna be a loooong day.

 

by umfumdisi
7-06-04
Hi, I'm Roger. I'm new at this, so don't kick me or eat my goatee.
Goatee? Is that some sort of racist remark?
No way. I think they're super cool.
Alright then. Listen, the first step in milking is to get a stool, fool.
How's that?
Great! Now, you need to go find a female goat.

 

by umfumdisi
7-06-04
I tried to milk the goat, but he made fun of me.
Sorry, I should have warned you about Horace. Just go out in the field and call for Hilda. She'll give you milk and no problems.
HIL-DA.... HIL-DA....
Hey, sweetie, nice goatee.
I'm just going to close my eyes and hope for tits.

 

by umfumdisi
7-06-04
Word around the farm is that you got to second base with my girl.
Look, I was just doing my job. It didn't mean anything.
All the same, I'll be keeping my eyes on you, son.
Listen, I'll make it up to you.
Fine. You can start by greasing my loins.
NEAL!?!

 

by umfumdisi
7-09-04

 

by umfumdisi
7-09-04
6:52 AM. Sunrise. Within the space of a few days, I've managed to infiltrate the UMFARM.
So far, I know these things--the rooster is a head case. The pig is a bullshit artist. The cow and the bull have something going on under the hay; if you know what I mean.
But none of that matters because I've got my eye on that goat. He's enough of a bad seed to spread ruination like kudzu across this place.
I'm USDA Special Agent Wings Van Halen-Lot#28429B. I'm a penguin, that's what I do.

 

by umfumdisi
7-09-04
Meanwhile, back at the lab...
This is so exciting! I can't believe a penguin showed up next door at the UMFARM. Thanks to Baron Blande, I have all the penguin DNA I need for my little transformation.
Using biogenetic technology so advanced that not even the narrator can tell you what's going on, Dr. Posey steps into his Animotion Chamber and mutates into a penguin...
Oh Hell! I knew I shouldn't have killed that hooker in here.

 

by umfumdisi
7-09-04
Thank you for the information, Sister. Are you sue I can't treat you to dinner at the Krill Grill?
I'm sorry, Mr. Van Halen, it would be against my vows--and God's law.
Even though I'd been rejected like bad beef, I felt better after walking back to the farm. I knew that somewhere out there were more birds in the air. And one of them dames would want to fly with me..
!
Well hel-lo there short, waddling, and handsome!

 

by umfumdisi
7-09-04
Dear Diary: Tonight I discovered the true meaning of "the agony and the ecstasy..."
Dear Blog: The mating ritual of the penguin is more clumsy and much shorter than I ever would have thought...
Dear God, I cain't believe some of the stuff I see 'round here.

 

by umfumdisi
7-19-04
...so I think that's all we'll need from the store for when Mom visits.
Sounds dandy, Neal.
THE SKY ISN'T FALLING! THE SKY ISN'T FALLING!
Uh, you better add Tylenol to the list.
Yeah, Extra Strength.

 

by umfumdisi
7-19-04
Did you watch "The Sowpranos" last night?
Nah, it hasn't been the same since they slaughtered Big Porky.
True, but the gritty realism appeals to the Jersey Girl in me.
That was awful, Blanche. Is there a point to this comic?
Well, after it was over, I was wondering if Swinton watches "The Sowpranos."
Well quit bothering me and go ask him.

 

by umfumdisi
7-19-04
Hi, Swinton, I was watching "The Sowpranos" last night and wondering if you ever watch it.
I watch many things, Blanche, but television is not one of them.
Oh. I thought you might like it--you being a pig and all...
I see enough swine every day. Why would I need to watch more of them in the quiet, reflective hours of the night?
I'm getting uncomfortable. Will you just tell me a story so I can go?
Certainly, Blanche...

 

by umfumdisi
7-19-04
The Parable Of The Toaster Oven...
In a certain land there lived a certain man. He was not tall, nor wide. His nether regions were a bit itchy, but that fact has nothing to do with this story.
The man was a man who loved to watch things. He would watch snails screwing. He could watch paint dry. He would even watch his watch.
One day, the man was watching an egg boil. It was a hard-boiled egg, so it took a long time.
Just as the egg timer was about to go off, the boiling water disappeared, and the egg popped out of the pot. Steam escaped from the egg, and an egg sprite appeared.
The egg sprite said, "Behold, sir, today is your lucky day! Because you have freed me, I will give you my enchanted toaster oven."
"This oven makes perfect toast--every time--in two minutes. However, there is one catch..."

 

by umfumdisi
7-19-04
"The catch is...you CAN NOT WATCH the oven while it is toasting!"
Goodness!
The egg sprite continued, "You must wait for the pleasant 'Ding' before approaching the toaster. If you try to watch the toasting process, your toast will burn, and you will be blind the entire day."
What a horrible thing to give that certain man. So what happened?
Well, the certain short, thin man tried very hard every day not to watch the toaster oven, but each day, he ended up blind until midnight of that day.
How sad.

 

by umfumdisi
7-19-04
Well, the man wasn't sad at all. After a couple of weeks, he learned how to listen. After a month of blindness, he learned to feel. After a year of blindness, he learned to see!
And one day the man realized what he had to do. He opened the toaster oven. He started boiling an egg. Just as before, the water disappeared, the egg popped out, and the steam came out...
The man tossed the steamy egg into the toaster oven just as the egg sprite appeared. He slammed the door shut, walked into the living room, and waited for the pleasant "Ding!"
When he went back and opened the oven, he found a perfectly toasted hard-boiled egg sprite sandwich! Plus, he now had the power to control his watching AND an enchanted toaster oven!
So, Blanche, what have you learned from this story?
Never to ask you another question again in my life!

 

by umfumdisi
7-19-04
*SLAM!*

 

by umfumdisi
7-22-04
Amateur Night at "The Funny Farm"
Hey, could I get some help with this mic? I didn't know the stage had a height requirement!
Wow, what a crowd. I haven't smelled this much manure since I met Mother Theresa. Seriously.
Now, for your amusement, I will impersonate a monkey...
~\ "Then I saw her face. Now I'm a believer. Oooooooh, I'm a believer; I couldn't leave her if I tried..." /~

 

by umfumdisi
7-24-04
Your nads feel great. Your lower intestine is free of parasites. Your nose is wet and shiny. You're in perfect health! Come back in see me in 10 years.
What about my penis?
It's a little short and warty, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Is this the part where I ask about boorite?
What's a boorite?
About 50 comics a year!

 

by umfumdisi
7-24-04

 

by umfumdisi
7-24-04
So, ABC wants us to do some skits, tell some jokes, and sing some songs.
People want to see my tits!
That can't be the only reason they gave us a show, honey.
I wonder if they've noticed that I had breast-reduction surgery?
The Nick And Jessica Variety Hour will not be aired...ever. We now subject you to "Extreme Holiday Makeover."
...so we all pitched in and bought you that jizz turret implant.
There will be a Christmas after all!

 

by umfumdisi
7-24-04
Zagbud meeshev noput trotsky Krakozhia!
I don't care what you say or what language you say it in, you're not getting out of this airport until you befriend every employee (including my security staff) and turn them all against me.
Jazz and cannelloni!
Even though you are endearing, resourceful, and cute, I will remain a short, tempermental bureaucrat who alternately loves/hates having you live in my airport.
I go America!
Yes, you have undermined my authority and made a fool out of me on several occasions, but I will let you leave my airport even though I have shown no thread of human decency in the course of this film

 

by umfumdisi
7-30-04
Hey, Swinton, how are you?
Pretty good, Neal. I have been wondering about some things, though.
Well, you can ask me anything, littlefoot.
Great. The first thing is--where does bacon come from?
Turkeys.
Oh, okay.

 

by umfumdisi
7-30-04
Any other concerns?
Yes, actually, where does sausage come from?
Lots of things, actually, but mostly cats.
Yuck.
Yeah. First, you have to cut off the cat's tail and shave off the tail hair. Then, you shave the rest of the cat, grind up the body, and stuff what comes out of the grinder back into the shaved tail.
No wonder sausage can be so expensive.

 

by umfumdisi
7-30-04
Is that it?
No. I've been saving the most worrisome one for last. Where do pork chops come from?
...uh, I think you should go ask your Mom about that one.
Okay, I will. You know, Neal, I'm glad I can talk to you about stuff--especially considering that I'd love to ask my Dad these things if he were still around. See ya later...
Whew! I'm glad he didn't ask about pickled pigs feet.
Maybe Mom will make me some bacon for breakfast.

 

by umfumdisi
7-30-04
Sister Mary Martha drove an '86 Rabbit. No one would have guessed she had a dirty little habit. Driving down from Oklahoma to avoid the law, she'd pick up special packages down in Arkansas.
Do you have the stuff?
Sure. You got the money?
There was a radio evangelist sermonatin' on the Maccabees while Sister Mary Martha was gettin' tantric on her rosaries.
"Apollo Creed is our Father. Hell, Mary, don't bother."
"Everything's a mystery when you're ridin' on a rosary."
She had the goodies in the hatch and the devil on her mind. That's when the blue and red started flashing from behind.
Oh dear, oh dear.

 

by umfumdisi
8-03-04
Yeah, there's somethin' 'bout Mary Martha, and it's more than you know, but five-oh had spied her habit and was about to let her go.
You take it easy, there, Sister.
I will, officer.
Until his flashlight shone bright into her rear seat, and, when he saw her spiffy box, he almost lost his feet.
Holy Swiss Cheese! What's that?
Mary saw him distracted and suddenly reacted. She jerked off his billy stick and knocked him out real quick. She prayed forgiveness with all her might and made tracks on asphalt darker than the night.
*THONK!*

 

by umfumdisi
8-03-04
=> Satan is burning down the city!
Never fear! For, I, ANAGRAM MAN, am here! And with a few keyboard manipulations, I save the day...
=> Now, Santa is turning Ed bitchy!
Then, after they've brought you another salad with different dressing, you complain that there aren't as many croutons as the first salad.
Thanks, Santa.

 

by umfumdisi
8-04-04

 

by umfumdisi
8-04-04

 

by umfumdisi
8-04-04

 

by umfumdisi
8-04-04
I NEED TEH RAPP!!
And once again, ladies and gents, SATAN is the Staring Contest Champion of the Universe!

 

by umfumdisi
8-25-04
What's up, umfum? You've only made six comics this month and none since August 5th!
[SAVE]
Not anymore...

 

by umfumdisi
8-25-04
Senior Citizens: They're not just senile old people who smell like cat food. Here with a report is Staci Kantspell...
Thanks, Stevphen. Last week, I spent a few days at the Rusty Springs Retirement Community.
At first, I was a bit scared, but I soon learned their lingo and became the darling of oatmeal night.

 

by umfumdisi
8-25-04
Many of the words used by Senior Citizens can not be found in modern dictionaries. However, I was able to find one gentleman who gave me the "scoop" on Senior Slang.
I'm passing along his knowledge so that more people will be able to communicate with the elderly.
For instance, a "Rapscallion" is a teenager--often a young, disrespectful punk.
And a "Scalawag" is a younger punk--most likely a pre-teen or grade schooler. In fact, most seniors are afraid of children over the age of two.
And to most seniors, a "Kid" is anyone under the age of 50.
Some seniors do retain a sense of humor. To them, "Wet Blanket" is not someone who spoils a good time, but is what happens when you sit in the rocking chair too long.

 

by umfumdisi
8-25-04
Yes, Seniors like to consider themselves as experienced rather than aged.
Still, "23 Ski-doo" is used as a joyful exclamation instead of a description of a number of personal watercraft.
Further, Seniors can be suspicious and fearful of technological items. "That Damned Machine" commonly refers to the personal computer.
Many times, though, it can refer to something as harmless as a VCR, phone answering system, or digital alarm clock.
Finally, the elderly can be quite literal, I was a bit offended when my source told me about "Shaking Hands With Abe Lincoln."
By the end of his explanation, however, it was quite clear that he was talking about the time that he actually shook hands with our 16th President. Old folks really are living treasures!

Showing page 13.

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