All comics by ObiJo

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by ObiJo
5-07-02
So, if a train leaves Boston going West at 45 miles per hour, and another train leaves Chicago going East, no, wait, Boston was East, wasn't it?
Into the ocean?
Oh, right, so the train in Boston leaves going West at 45 miles per hour and the Chicago train leaves going East at 60 degrees. I mean miles! I MEAN MILES PER HOUR! ARRGGHH!!
Where are you going?
To buy dynamite.

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Dern birds keep eaten me wirthlen crop.
wirthling scared, Papa!
I'll protect you, me boy.
Titular bastard!
SQWACK!

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Welcome to Lenny's Discount Scarecrows, where the customer always comes first.
I gots me a berd infantstation!
If you don't mind waiting, I'll go check the stockroom for give-a-fuck. Sorry, all out. Our selection's to your left.
Hmm
Faster, grampa, I'm missing karaoke.
How about...

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Well?
Why's there a gerl scarecrow? She ain't scary.
The gerl? She's the scariest. She's looking up, see? Birds hate that shit.
Hmm
Buy the girl and I'll throw two more in half price.
You got yerself a deal.

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Let's see them berds get past these three!
Are you my new daddy?

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Stop talking. Yer a scarecrow.
I'm not a scarecrow. I'm Amanda.
Then why didn't you talk till now?
Daddy said if I didn't talk or move till his plane took off, I'd get a treat.
When did his plane take off?
Five minutes ago. So where's my Porsche, daddy?

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Well, I can't give ya a Porsche, but what I can give ya is love. And lots of it. I'll be the best pa ya never had!
Ok, daddy!
Just then something amazing happened. The rational man would call it impossible, the religious man- miracle, and the bio-animistic Yet Set of New Seattle- a Type 4 Cellular Transmogrification.
TWO NEW BEINGS BURST INTO SENTIENCE!
SAA
LER

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
SLURPIES!
SLURPIES!
WHERE ARE THEY!
WE MUST HAVE THEM!
SLURPIES!
SLURPIES!

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Stay behind me, Amanda.
YOU, YOU WILL GIVE US SLURPIES!
WHERE ARE THEY! WE MUST HAVE THEM!
SLURPIES!
SLURPIES!

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
Slurpies? Yuck!
I don't know where yer gonna find slurpies round here. Haven't seen em in ages.
THE SMALL ONE REJECTS SLURPIES!
MAYBE IF WE SACRIFICE HER, GOD WILL REWARD US WITH SLURPIES!
SLURPIES!
SLURPIES!

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
WHO IS THIS GOD PERSON YOU SPEAK OF! DOES HE HAVE SLURPIES ON HIS PERSON!
GOD IS THE NAME I GAVE OUR CREATOR! IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO EXPLAIN OUR EXISTENCE, DON'T YOU THINK!
I WAS LEANING TOWARDS A TYPE 4 CELLULAR TRANSMOGRIFICATION MYSELF! BUT I WILL ADOPT YOUR GOD SCENARIO IF I CAN NAME OUR GOD!
OF COURSE! WHAT NAME DO YOU CHOOSE FOR OUR GOD!
SLURPY!
SLURPY!

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
NOW LISTEN HERE! EITHER YOU FIND US SLURPIES OR WE WILL SACRIFICE THE HATER OF SLURPIES TO OUR GOD SLURPY!
LOOK, I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! HAVING SLURPY SIGNIFY BOTH THE BEVERAGE AND OUR DEITY IS TOO CONFUSING! CARE IF I CHANGE IT!
I DO NOT MIND AS LONG AS I CAN CHANGE THE NAME OF THE BEVERAGE! WHAT DO YOU WISH TO CALL OUR GOD!
ROBERT! WHAT DO YOU WISH TO CALL OUR BEVERAGE!
ROBERTS!

 

by ObiJo
5-08-02
NOW LISTEN HERE! EITHER YOU FIND US ROBERTS OR WE WILL SACRIFICE THE HATER OF ROBERTS TO OUR GOD ROBERTS!
THAT WAS A PRETTY DICK THING TO DO!
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY!
WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE BUTT OF YOUR JOKES WHEN WE MEET SOMEONE NEW!
OH HERE WE GO! NAG NAG NAG!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
THAT'S RIGHT, MOCK ME! DID I MOCK YOU WHEN YOU CAME UP WITH THIS WHOLE STUPID GOD IDEA! NO! BUT YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD!
YOU DARE BESMIRCH THE HOLY NAME OF ROBERTS! WITHOUT hIM WE WOULD NOT EVEN EXIST!
TELL ME THIS- WHAT DO YOU ENVISION FOR OUR FUTURE! I MEAN YOU WORKED THAT WHOLE DEITY THING OUT SO BRILLIANTLY I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S NEXT!
I WAS THINKING WE'D DOWN A FEW ROBERTS, CONDUCT A CENSUS TO FIND NONBELIEVERS, KILL THEM, THEN DOWN A FEW MORE ROBERTS!
ACTUALLY THAT DOESN'T SOUND BAD!
THEN WE'D CALL YOU THE SON OF ROBERTS, MARTYR YOU, THEN KILL ALL THE ROBERTS BELIEVERS WHO DON'T ALSO BELIEVE IN THE SON OF ROBERTS!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
THAT MIDDLE PART AGAIN!
THEN I'D STRATIFY yOUR BELIEVERS BASED ON SUBTLE DIFFERENCES OF OPINION!
RIGHT AFTER THE SON OF ROBERTS THING!
SAY ONE GROUP THINKS yOU LIKED TO BATHE IN ROBERTS AND THE OTHER GROUP THINKS yOU JUST LIKED TO DRINK THEM!
SOMETHING ABOUT MARTYRING!
THEN THE FIRST GROUP COULD BE CALLED THE BATHING ROBERTS FOLLOWERS AND THE SECOND GROUP THE ORAL ROBERTS FOLLOWERS!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
THEN MONARCHIES BASED ON yOU ASCRIBING RIGHT, DEMOCRACIES BASED ON yOU NOT, AND POINT SPREADS BASED ON yOUR GLORY!
THEN WE'LL ALL STOP BELIEVING IN yOU, CARPOOL TO BOB'S BOWL, AND HAVE COLD ROBERTS AND WINGDINGS TILL WE GET BOOTED FOR GROPING THE LANE WAITRESS!
SOUND GOOD!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
SO YOU WANT TO KILL ME, WORSHIP ME, FORGET ME, THEN GO BOWLING!
YES BUT WE HAVE TO HURRY! I ONLY HAVE THE LANE RESERVED FOR ANOTHER HALF AN HOUR!
HOW ABOUT WE KILL THE SMALL ONE AND CALL hER THE DAUGHTER OF ROBERTS!
IF YOU CAN STAND THE DISAPPOINTMENT!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
Wait fer it.
EVEN A TRUCKLOAD OF ROBERTS COULD NOT SAVE THE ROBERTS HATER NOW! WE REQUIRE hER FOR OUR BELIEF STRUCTURE!
Now?
NOW!
DO NOT THINK THROWING RANCID WIRTHLING FRUITS AT US WILL SOFTEN OUR RESOLVE!
I'M GOING HOME TO WASH!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
We got em, daddy!
We sher did, Amanda!
Got them they had, and with their final breath, the scarecrows made this solemn promise, as they entered death:
IF YOU HIT YOUR SISTER, WE WILL COME FOR YOU! WE WILL MAKE YOU THE SON OF ROBERTS BY BRUTALLY KILLING YOU!
AND IT WILL HURT! AND THERE WILL BE BLOOD! AND YOU'LL BE DEAD! SO DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER ANYMORE OR ELSE!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
THE END. Now turn off the light and get to sleep, champ. I'll see you in the morning.
K-kay, dad. G-goodnight.
Did you talk to him?
You could say.

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
Scarecrow?

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
I have killed you!
I am defeated!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
I have not killed you!
This I know!

 

by ObiJo
5-09-02
Where is that little prick?
What are they fighting for?
Don't ask me, I don't give a damn.

 

by ObiJo
5-19-02
Unfortunately, the plot of this comic necessitated the use of words some might find distasteful. Stop if you are offended by: faggot, nigger, kike, wop, spick, mic, kraut, pole, or canadian.
Some weather we're having.
I'll say, you faggot nigger kike wop spick mic kraut pole canadian.

 

by ObiJo
5-20-02
Mom, there's something I need to tell you. I've been putting it off for awhile now so I'm just going to come right out and say it. Mom, I'm straight.
Straight? Sweety, you're not straight, you're just going through a tough time right now.
It's not a phase, Mom - I've never seen boys in a sexual light. Not that I haven't tried. The many sweaty hours in Tommy Jones' pickup can attest to that.
But you can't be straight! What will the neighbors say! What will my family say! I'll tell you! They'll say you're a pervert! And they'll say I'm a bad mother! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!
If you're going to scream at me, I'm going to leave.
Go ahead! Go propagate your species, you selfish bastard!

 

by ObiJo
5-21-02
If I was a carpenter, and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway, would you have my baby?
You are a carpenter and I am a lady.
So let's hump.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
911, what is your emergency?
Someone's stealing my truck!
That's not an emergency, sir.
If it's not, I don't know what is!
Rape, for example.
I'll ask him, but you tell those policemen to bring ice.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
?
Fire, you say?

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
Fire!
Lead the way, little girl!
Tree.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
Fire!
Lead the
...
I think you can handle this one.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
Fire!
?
fee-RACK.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
Fire!
?
I am scared of your kitten.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
?
So where is this fire of which you speak?

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
Hey, wait a minute...
What are we doing in a graveyard?

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
On second thought, I`ll have the eggs.
I`m not a waitress.
Does fooling people make you happy?
I never said I was a waitress.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
Yup.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
That was delicious, Sue.
I thought I might have gone a little heavy on the pepper.
No, it was great.
Really?
Yes, really great.

 

by ObiJo
5-23-02
I`m surrounded.
This ax may help.
I`m no longer surrounded.

 

by ObiJo
5-24-02
Cough, kaufman.
Look, I don't want a free physical.
I really called the police, you know. If I were you, I'd scoot.
I wonder if peanut butter increases scoot?

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
What are you doing in this my cave I thought I told you to get your own????
Thyis is the cave of my people and my people deserve this cave!!! Plus its cold outside and I didn't bring my shoes!!!!!
That doesn't mean you can come in on my cave and live within it!!!! This thing which you do is not right and the people who humped to bring you into existence are looking down and FROWNING!!!!!!!
Those sound like the description of those that stole my shoes!!! Did they have only one eyebrow and speak greek, but only when you arent listening?????!!!!!!
Keep the cave.
THANX!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS COMIC AND THE LAST ONE THAT CAME BEFORE IT BUT WITH A DIFFERENT PLOT!!!
I AM STEALING YOUR STYLE BECAUSE ITS FUN AND I DONT HAVE TO SPELL CHECK AND THE LAST TIME I STOLE I WAS FRISKED BY A TALL LANKY SWISS MAN THAT I COULD IMAGINE AS A WOMAN!!
THIS IS NOT RIGHT!!!
IT IS AN EXPLOSION AND I HAVE BEEN TORN ASUNDER THE ONLY THING I CAN HOPE FOR IS TO BE SAVED BY THE END OF TIME AND FAST!!
SO??????
SAVEEDDDDDDD!!!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
YOU CAN'T STEAL MY STYLE CUZ THEN EVERYONE WILL SAVE THEIR ACCOUNT INFO WITH YOU AHEAD OF ME AND THINK YOU INVENTED THE STYLE CAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN HERE LONGER AND A LOT MORE!!!!!
THIS IS NOT TRUE BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL REMEMBER YOU AND SAY I REMEMBER CRABBY AND THATS HIS STYLE AND OBIS JUST IMITATING IT AND ABOUT TO MAKE A BUNNY FLOAT!!
HELLO RUMINATOR!!! IF YOU GET DOWN AND TIE WEIGHTS AROUND MY TEETH I WILL HELP YOU PUSH THAT CAR OVER THEN BACK AGAIN AND TAKE PICTURES BUT WITH THE RIGHT F-STOP!!!
WHO IS THAT YOU ARE DOING AH YES IT IS OBI!!! THAT IS A GOOD OBI YOU ARE DOING CRABBY THAT IS VERY OBI-LIKE AND IN NO WAY DOES MY MEMORY TRACE IT BACK TO YOU AND TOO ITS REAL AND TRUE NONFAKE ORIGINS!
I AM FLOATING OR REALLY BIG AND STANDING ON THIS CAR!!! BUT I STILL WANT MY STYLE BACK AND DON'T THINK I MEAN I DON'T WANT IT CAUSE I DO AND I SAID DO SO YOU SHOULDNT MAKE THAT MISTAKE!!!!
YOUR STYLE????? I MADE UP THIS STYLE WHEN I WAS WASHING MY CAR AT THE WASHANDWASH CENTENNIAL WASH SO FUCK OFF GIANT BUNNY!!!!!!!

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
YOU CAN STEAL MY STYLE A LOT BUT NOT ALL OF MY CHARACTERS OR MAYBE EVEN ALL OF MY CHARACTERS BUT THAT WOULD NOT BE PREFERRED!!! I SUMMON THIRSTY BEATNIK!!!!!!
I DO NOT KNOW THIS THISTY BEATNIK BUT HE CANNOTBE A MATCH FOR MY VERY OWN AND ALL MINE SHIFTY POOL CLEANER WHO I NOW SUMMON IF HE'S DECENT!!!!!!
YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR MY UVULA AND THOUGH I THINK THAT SKIMMER LOOKS MIGHT SHARP BUT STILL---UVULA!!!!!
I DO NOT FEAR THAT THING WHICH YOU NAME AND I KNOW NOT ITS MEANING BECAUSE I KNOW NOT ITS MEANING!!!! hAHA!!! TELL ME THOUGH SHOULD I FEAR IT???? SERIOUSLY
YOUR STEALING MY CHARACTER NOW I CANT BELIEVE IT I WISH I COULD SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT AND WELD YOU MOUTH TO YOUR ANUS!!!!!
I HAD THIS CHARACTER A LONG TIME AGO THE SAME DAY I THINK OF "I DO NOT FUCK TIT!!!"

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
I am not OBI I AM CRABBY and what did you tear the roof of this air vehicle off for the plane will now crash!!!!
You look like oBI to me and i needed to get honey-roasted PEANUST! Eagle.
Eagle brand peanuts do they even make those. I remember once i had
yeah thats great story obi but i need to find the dumb cunt of a stwaitress and get those honeyreoasted peanuts. Eagle.
I AM NOT OBI!!! You know if i saw the balding guy behind me snarf a few dozen bags so maybe you can tear him open and get me his watch but not his creditcard cuz that'll trace.
i would do that but he's about to hit that WASH AND WASH CENTENNIAL CAR WASH right now see. Splat!!! I've never seen one bounce.

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
if you want to be a SHIFTY POOL CLEANER you have to speak in all lower case except making reference to SHIFTY, POOL OR CLEANER or any combination thereof except pool cleaner shifty cuase thats silly!!
I do not want to be a SHIFTY POOL CLEANER but I honor your people with my caps!!! I want to be a giant squid!!!
if you don't want to be a SHIFTY POOL CLEANER why did you come to the SHIFTY POOL CLEANER regularly scheduled thursday meeting at the microfiche room of the library.
I needed to use the microfiche projector and also I heard you had BEAR CLAWS!!!!!
you fucking ass whore. if i wasn't a SHIFTY POOL CLEANER and you weren't a GIANT SQUID or both OR SHIFTY POOL CLENAERS weren't the favorite food of GIANT SQUIDS i'd pee right on your eye!!!!!!!
These things you say hurt me but not a HURTING too great for BEAR CLAW!!

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
What are you thinking about CHICKEN OF THE SEA.
I was thinking what a good and great thing it was and smart to tell you island people whos island i shipwrecked on and who had ne'er encountered chickens that chickens aren't edible!!!
WHICH MAY NOT make sense to you out of of context but you see for PURPOSES OF EXPLANATION chickens are edible and very delicious and i sometimes nibble on myself but only in discrete areas!!!!!
WELL THEN I WILL EAT YOU UNLESS YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THIS IS AND I CAN IMPLEMENT IT BUT WITH IMMEDIATE GAINS IN SOCIAL POSITION AND SES!!!!!
That's a teriyaki chicken MAIRINATE but you can only get SOCIAL BUTT PATS if you have a chicken you can kill and use these instructions i've written out making me eNTRILEY unnecessary during cooking!!

 

by ObiJo
5-25-02
Are you waiting for a bus a or are you just sitting there and waiting for candy??
This is a bus stop and not a place to gather candy in hand and eat it like a little piggy or at least not a place to expect to cuz who am i to say its never happened!!!
It could.
It could indeed. Do you have any candy?
NO AND WHAT A STUPID WQUESTIONARE YOU INSANE FROM THE HOT SUN OR JUST A STUPID STUPID PERSON HERE COMES THE BUS WANTTO SHARE A SEAT!!!!!!
I can't see why not.

Showing page 14.

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